Jul 27, 2007

Daddy, Lover, Bastard


 Disclaimer: This is strictly a piece of fiction. Has no resemblance whatsoever to my life.
She didn't wanna go home. As the day went by the shadows loomed past as if stalking her with their darkness. Blackness spread its tiny claws around her delicate neck. What the night would bring terrified her.

" I wish I could stay back in school."
" I wish I could play hide and seek with Sasha."

She hadn't been able to play hide and seek with Sasha . It scared her. Closed , dark places reminded her of the nights, the endless nights, suffocated her thoughts with the bad dreams she had promised not to tell anyone ever.

" I wish I could see the blues, the oranges, the pinks and the lilacs like Sasha always did."
Lilac was her favourite colour.
" Why does it all seem colourless?"
" why does everything resemble grey?"
" Mommy why are you gone for such long long times?"

The school bell rings and with every chime of the bell the sense of doom grows closer and closer. Daddy picks her up from school.

" Baby see what I got for you." She turns around to see the doll starring back at her, it had lovely golden hair and was wearing a satin dress with satin slippers. She takes it from him and turns away to look out of the window listlessly. In the confines of her room, all alone she strips the doll of the pretty dress, tears it away viciously, the tiny satin slippers are cut into bits and pieces with nail scissors and the doll is hidden away to the back of her toy cupboard that she rarely opens these days. The clock strikes 12 and the candle light has illuminated her corner of the bed, where she awaits him. He comes each night, night after night.

"Where are you Mommy?"
He says she will be punished if she doesn't do what he asks her to do. He commands her not to breathe a word of this to any soul she knows. He tells her that if she does so then they will think she is a wicked girl.He curses her and calls her names when she doesn't pay heed to his instructions.

" Why does he do this to me?"

" Why can't I tell Mommy about this?"

" I feel dirty from inside."

Knock Knock! Its him. She stands up as she hears the creak of the hinges. She can see his sooty profile against the ebony of the night.

" Little girl its me. "
She stays rooted to the spot.

" We are gonna have ever so much fun." He whispers softly as the shivers run down her spine.
"Open your damn clothes." He hisses like a viper into her ears.

She nods silently and mechanically opens one button of her nightdress after the other.

" Why do you look scared you conniving little whore?" He says with a glint in his eyes and they widen as they watch her undress.

" You revel in this as much as I do.Don't you look at me with that holier than thou look. You'll do exactly what I want you to do. Do you understand that?" He screams aloud.

" Yes I do Daddy."

" Come closer. I want to feel that silken skin of yours against mine."

He feels her, touches her all over, devours her life out of her.

" Why would my very own Daddy do this to me?"

" Why oh why does my Daddy hurt me so much?"


" Fucking bitch. Seducing me with her innocence. She thinks I can't comprehend the desire in her eyes. She made me do this to her. I'll wring that tender neck of hers lifeless like the way she treats those dolls I get her everytime ."
She can't breathe, she closes her eyes and tries to imagine she she was somewhere else. She saw the blues, the oranges, the pinks and the lilacs again. She tries to reach out to them but like each time they vanish.

The sound of running footsteps on the staircase. Someone is coming.

" Hide, hide, hide Daddy."

Silence and the door opens, bright blinding starlight, sunshine amidst the dark dark night. Mommy takes her away covering her wounds with a sheet and the veil is lifted.

She saw the blues, the pinks, the lilacs again.


Lilac her favourite colour.

But she never saw him again, never saw her Daddy, her lover, the bastard.

Jul 24, 2007

HAPPENSTANCE


She didn’t know what changed in her that day. Now when she looked back it dawned upon her how her dreams started taking substantial shape from their nebulous existence sometime that evening in the midst of meeting a stranger after more than a decade. She found the trail to the air castle her thoughts kept building. Things began to seem more crystal clear; goals became more concrete, milestones more important, the path to get there a little more visible. The mirage that he’d be there waiting for her at the end of the road just so that they could be fellow travelers sometime in this journey was her sun beam on dreary days, days when everything went wrong, silly misunderstandings, fights, failed deadlines, mayhem everywhere.

They kept in touch rather sparsely, but rarely were they not in touch. In some way or the other she’d know what was happening in his life. Long periods of silence were interspersed with a “Hi” one day or a “Hullo” a month after. When she’d want to feel close to him she would read his blog that were reflections of his thoughts over the years. His writing made her laugh, cry, giggle and sigh. She almost forgot his presence but then he’d appear out of nowhere almost magically and fill every nook and cranny of her being like never before. A midnight conversation with him made her cup runneth over and for days after she’d be smiling secretly to herself. Smithreens of his words kept coming back to her mind.

“Okie we won’t ever talk about this again. Try and forget that anything ever happened. I’ll try and forget too.”
“ Where are you when I need to hug you the most?”
“ Just when you think there is no one better, someone comes along and sweeps you off your feet all over again. There is only one soul mate though and that’s the one you should be looking for.”
“Can you cook? Oh you can. What a comforting thought.”

Childhood memories of him would resurface at the oddest moments. Like the night she stood at her window looking at the moon to be reminded of a moonlit night years and years ago when they had gone to the fair together, the smell of smoke in the air and their childish banter as they sat on the lone two-wheeler in the parking lot. How they had fought all the way during that journey when they’d gone with their families visiting their Dads at the base and how their Mums had to keep both of them away from each other as they nearly ripped each other apart. The hours and hours spent playing Houses and she could almost hear his boyish voice teasing the little girl she had been.

She closed her eyes and saw the man the boy had become, the man with whom she had shared fleeting moments of enchantment, the man she would never meet again. She’d never tell and he’d never know.

“I closed my eyes and the world dropped dead.
I think I made you up inside my head.”

Jul 17, 2007

Islamophobia


This entire hullabaloo about the failed bombings at Glasgow and Indian muslims being implicated in the United Kingdom for the first time in connection with terror activities got me thinking yet again. I am sure a lot has been written and debated upon by the media around the world including the clerisy, not to forget the common man, where Islamic Fundamentalism is concerned and shall be continued to do so. All this while most of the public was under the misconception that only poor muslim youth take a recourse to such anti social activities ranging from suicide attacks to bombings as it is their way of attaining martyrdom[incidentally I read somewhere that Islam says such martyrs have 72 virgins waiting for them at the gates of heaven which reminded me of this post by Evil Spock :)] and after their death their families are given a lump some amount of money by the terrorist outfit they had been a part of. This is true till a large extent; poor kashmiri youth are lured by outfits like lashkar-e- toiba and on the pretext of fighting for Islam what takes place in the Madrasahs is a complete brainwash where any semblance of sanity is systematically removed from their minds and the main goal in the life of these youth is battle against the non believers or plain old Jihad. That is the tragedy of Kashmir where true peace and harmony is a dream. Ethnic cleansing has turned this state to a graveyard of the dead.

9/11 ofcourse didn't make the situation any better and now it seems that the last 6 years ever since that fateful day in September 2001 the world has been gripped by this fear of Islam popularly known as Islamophobia. Muslims are discriminated everywhere, be it in England where they come up with proposals like muslim women should choose not to wear the hijab or France which goes a step ahead and bans headscarves in schools altogether and not to forget dear old United States. George Bush the self proclaimed Big Daddy of the world and his faithful battery of followers take personal pleasure in inculcating the fear of Islam in the western world. He calls it " War against Terror" though by the likes of it , it seems it is " War against Islam". What happend at Glasgow and London last year was just an after effect and the result of a major portion of the world trying to alienate the followers of a particular religion and insisting of labelling them as fundamentalists and insurgents. Muslims are looked upon suspiciously everywhere in the western world. Try any busy international airport be it Heathrow, or JFK you'd see the world of difference in the way a white man is treated and the way a bearded muslim is treated. It is these small prejudices which could be one of the reasons why educated muslims like Sabeel and Kafeel Ahmed[brothers from Bangalore, one is a doctor and the other an engineer] resort to such drastic anti social activities like an attempt to bomb the Glasgow Airport. For them it is a vent out for all the frustration they feel towards the mass change of opinion this world has experienced after 9/11, it is a reaction for all the injustices done by the Americans and their allies in Iraq. Bush gets to carry out his agenda in Iraq, destroying the governmental machinery piece by piece and a certain section of the troops even indulge in perverted fun on the way[not to forget the incidents at the abu ghraib prison] to ravage and ruin a country which has already been wrecked by a three decade rule by an eccentric dictator.
We shouldn't blame Islam for all these mishaps, it is our own making, the fact that we did not raise our voices against all the injustices at the right time , the fact that America chose to bring Bush back to power even after the disaster in Iraq, the fact that we continue to be oblivious of what the true message in the Quran and very conveniently blame the religion for fostering terrorism. It is ironical that two men will be probably be put behind bars for the rest of their lives for failed car bombings which only caused harm to themselves at the end of it while Bush will continue to walk on this earth with his head held high proud of the fact that he carried out his " war against terror" successfully. This saga will continue, it'll be some other educated muslims expressing their anguish over the discrimination taking place and we humans will again and again choose the path of doom hurting none other than ourselves.

Jul 12, 2007

Much Ado About Nothing


I don’t exactly like all this fuss about being tagged cos then I have to come up with 8 facts about myself. I don’t wanna sound like some pompous, self obsessed woman. But nevertheless by the end I am sure I’d sound like one. Oh a certain maker of doggerels tagged me or should I just say plain and simple Doggerel Maker is compelling me to reveal 8 things about myself. So here goes the list of 8 hitherto unknown abstracts about me.

That I am not as innocent and gullible as I look. My unconscious Miss Goody Two Shoes look fools people very often before they actually see me in my real elements.

That I was an ugly duckling in school, very quiet, not confident at all, bloody shy and no not that I grew up to be a swan but a lot of people don’t recognize me now cos I didn’t quite turn out to be what they’d thought I’d be hehehe!

That I wanted to be an archaeologist when I was all of 11 because I was passionate about history but alas realized that in my country archaeology has very little scope hence had to settle in for something conventional.

That I when I was a kid I ran through a glass door whilst playing hide and seek and while trying to hide from my the then crush I ended up running through the glass door and in the process landed in the hospital with 57 stitches and life long scars on my legs.

That I am hooked onto this song called High by Lighthouse family at the moment and have been driving my housemates a wee bit crazy cos I wanna listen to it all the time.

That I love pink. [Tsk Tsk ….how cliché am I ], I have a pink phone [fluorescent pink mind you], pink bags, pink shades and on a given day you’d see me clothed in pink from head to toe. However I am forced to adorn black and white professionally:(.

That I am attracted to tall men, really tall men . A la’ Daddy Long Legs. I can't relate to people who are aimless or without a goal. I'd love a go getter and not some lost soul who doesn't know where he is heading.

That I love body splashes with fruity smells, I smell of strawberries, or all peachy and lemony. Sometimes people say I smell “yum” heheh!

Okie enough of me and since I happen to be the proud owner of a happy disposition today I shall not name 8 other bloggers who have to carry on this chain. Cheers people! Lemme end with the funniest quote I found the other day J

“If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it.”

Jul 6, 2007

By The Pricking Of My Thumbs, Something Evil This Way Comes



“Rape's not something where you just go, "Well, get over it" or "Believe in love and peace, my child, and it'll all be over." Well, fuck you, that isn't the answer. It's a great thought, OK, but you can go and stick crystals up your butt and get on with it. I'm all for love and peace, but that's not the side I work on. If somebody would talk about it, or worse, joke about it, I would be ready to kill. That's not healing. It was a very long time after that before I was able to be with anyone again. And it has never been the same as it was before”
Tori Amos

Famous words by American pianist and singer-songwriter Tori Amos. The reason I chose to start this post with this quote was another blog I stumbled upon the other day. I love blogging and in the process end up coming across a wide range of blogs, some are nameless poets, some are mystic storytellers, some are passionate activists against the war, while some are regular people like me who are a comfortable mish mish of a little bit of this and that. But this girl was different. I found this particular blog and what I read disturbed me. She was unusual, wrote with a certain aggression, an unexplainable force, something pent up inside, simmering on the surface but difficult to pin point what exactly it was. I read on and saw signs of a dysfunctional family but curiosity had got the better of me until I finally reached a particular post where she had described her nightmares. She’d written about a dream of that heinous act of rape, which had taken place when she was only 13 years old, and how it all keeps coming back to her in her dreams. The nightmares don’t seem to end and how she just wished that the girl next door who looks ever so happy would just stop smiling because she cannot stand to see someone else so gleeful and without a care in the world cos she can never be like that. Tragic, isn’t it?
The author of this blog was a smart young woman with an amazing job. This girl oscillated between from being brilliant to being the angry feminist to being downright eccentric. I liked the way she wrote, one moment she was a human rights activist advocating the cause of Muslim women and how the purdah and hijab should be abolished and next moment she’d be making downright fun of people who smoke ultra milds cos she thought they were gay cigarettes. However throughout her writing there is always an underlying sense of pervading doom. Why wouldn’t it be there? Some man did the unthinkable to her when she was only a child and he killed her soul, buried her very existence , her sense of wonder, her happiness and gave birth to another being.
Rape is an unspeakable horror and for most of us it is something we read about in newspapers, or see in movies or news channels. I know that in today’s world it is very much a reality. Statistics prove that every half an hour some woman is raped in our country. The irony being that now we can’t constrict the term rape only to women. Men are being raped; small boys are also victims of this heinous crime. I can only imagine how tragic it would be, how violated one would feel. It would leave terrible psychological scars that are sometimes almost impossible to obliterate.

This girl lives in the same city as me.

She is in the same profession as I am.

I might have passed by her sometimes.

She has this garb of ordinary on for the world.

But no one knows about the tormented existence she leads.

The voices which grow louder and louder, the monster who doesn’t go away and the horrible memories which haunt her.

Would I have grown up to be such a cynical and dark individual if I was raped as a child?

Would I have let that rape define my whole life, dictate my thoughts forever?

I don’t know, don’t know at all.

But what I do know is that “You know that saying, bad things don’t happen to good people?. That’s a lie.”

It can happen to anybody , we have been lucky , damn lucky and to those who have gone through this,and come out of it hats off to you women. You don’t need my pity or for that matter anybody’s pity but darn you have some strength of character. For all those women who lost their lives cos they became the victim of some filthy bastard’s twisted thinking may your soul rest in peace.

As for the rapists, sexual abusers and every category akin to them , well they should be bloody castrated, then blinded and have their hands and limbs cut off. I wish the Indian Penal Code had death penalty for rapists but in our country life imprisonment itself amounts to 14 years in prison. 14 years is too less for this evil to die. We should have multiple sentences like the kind they have in the United States where the convicted murderers and rapists are given life terms comprising of 100 to 150 years in prison. They make sure that the beast rots in prison and dies there. Hope even hell doesn’t give shelter to such hideous criminals.

“I don’t want to know about the constitution of the rapist—I want to kill him! I don’t care if he is white or black, if he is middle-class or poor, if his mother hung him from the clothesline by his balls: I only want to kill him! Any woman who has been raped will agree.”

Jun 29, 2007

An Ode To Daddy Long Legs


As I sit here on my brown and fawn colored desk, white tube lights, hushed voices, the clicking of the keyboard, sterile environment, I think of you as you give way to the unknown.

As I stare at the computer screen hour after hour trying to make sense out of these insipid contracts somewhere half the way across the country you are intent on making innumerable lists of what to take with you, what to throw away, what to keep hidden within the labyrinth of your mind forever.

As I pen my thoughts down on this torn piece of paper you are trying to fit in your whole life into a couple of suitcases and bags but alas a few tears spill over, so do a host of giggles, some sighs and a collection of dusty old dreams.

As I cross the road trying to make my way between the ugly huge bus and the swanky new Mercedes, lost in my thoughts, you are opening new doors dreaming of a blinding sunshine.

As I go about doing my mundane daily chores you finally finish packing the gamut of memories in different compartments.

As I remember every tiny detail of that long ago august evening, coffee on 100 feet road, the conversation, the music, the feel of your arms on my shoulders, the long drive, the starry sky, the midnight walk, the laughter, Romeo and Juliet, you say farewell to this life and tip toe your way to new avenues, hesitantly at first but confident with every stride.


As the rain comes pouring down cooling the parched earth, I rush outside to feel the spray of raindrops on my face and tonight I spare a single fleeting moment to think of you wondering how pensive your thoughts would be as you sit by your window watching the last misty rain which has become a mere drizzle by the time it reached your city.


As you traverse a new pathway, and hop, skip and jump down the yellow brick road I am reminded of the small boy I use to play with, and somewhere across the oceans, thousands of miles away I am biding my time to get ready for my travels hoping that I’d be able to see your footprints, hoping that sometime along this journey I’ll turn around to find you by my side….

Dedicated to one who must not be named, to one who said he'd love a dreamer, he'd love someone independent,he'd love someone who loves late night coffees and over night phone conversations,to one who'd be delighted to be woken up at 4 am in the morning by annoying messages,to one who knew the lyrics of my favourite song " Romeo & Juliet",to one who'd love traveling as much as I do,to he who'll never ever understand me...

Jun 21, 2007

Fly Away Again.....


Yeah I am feeling bloody impatient today. It seems everybody is getting to where they want in life but me. Last week I was on the “ I don’t know what I am doing with my career” mode, then I switched on to “ I am the only one who isn’t in love with her job” mode, and after a lot of afterthought and contemplation I finally settled on “ Everything in life has a time” mode. Someone I know had his visa interview today and he should’ve got it by now. Yeah he also seems to be leaving for the Promised Land on my birthday (sometime in august). I called up my eternal whining partner in Chennai and started complaining about how every soul I know is going somewhere but she and I. It just so happened that she was also accompanying this friend of our’s to the U.K visa office. I was like “ Shivi what the hell? Even Vaish is going to Brighton, Thri is going to Pennsylvania, P is already in London, Parag is going to Leeds and that nasty Fatty is going to Washington D.C to do a course I always dreamt of doing and here are you and I just stuck in the middle of nowhere. Doing something we ain’t even in love with.”

That’s the story of my life. Stuck in a job which isn’t bad but hey I am not exactly enjoying it. I keep weaving dreams and building castles in the air wondering when will my time come. Shivi and I have made at least a million plans of how she is going to study in California and I’ll be in New York.. We’ll go for a holiday to Venice one summer or Greece maybe. We’ll meet up when she comes down to NYC or I’ll go visit her in L.A. Then maybe we’d catch a shuttle and go to Ohio too for a bit. Sigh! I love traveling; I can’t stay in one place for too long. Can’t help it. I have lead a wandering life since I was a kid all thanks to my father cos he was in the army and hell I hated it at that time. I always had to say goodbye to all my friends and change schools and start afresh all over again. I just wanted to stay in one place and often wondered how does one feel when you are born in one house and live in that house half your life until you are an adult. I don’t know. I have changed so many houses, been to so many places, made so many friends, bid adieu to most of them.

Finally when I was 10 years old we settled down in one city and I stayed there till I was 18. Those 8 years were probably the closest I have come to stability and being rooted to one place. I got out for college at 18 and I have been on the move ever since. I could have stayed at home but I chose to move out. Till date I don’t wanna go back and lead that easy life of comfort. Living at home is a luxury I think and I don’t wanna get used to that. There is soooooooo much to do, so many new places to go to, interesting people to meet ( not to the creeps though). That is why I get this itch when I hear someone is heading out to UK and someone to the US. Last week I told my Mum on the phone that I wanna go work in Afghanistan. I was serious. I checked up job positions in Afghanistan[found something in Kabul Municipal Corporation;)] for women and they did need lawyers and human rights activists but apparently I am too young. She went ballistic saying whats with me and this wandering streak in me. Why can’t I just lead a normal, peaceful life like most sane women my age would? How am I supposed to explain to her this feeling of being stifled as I sit on my table doing my monotonous job day after day, dealing with buildings, structures, bricks and mortar, corporate ventures and contracts. This is not me. This job is so far away from what I dream of doing. I didn’t go to college thinking I am gonna be doing this after I get my degree. It just happened by chance cos my other plans didn’t materialize. But that doesn’t mean that this is what I am gonna be doing for the rest of my life.

Finally after a lot of arguments my Mum agreed to the United States. There is no way in hell that I am gonna be allowed to set one step in Afghanistan as long as my family is around. I guess I’ll just have to wait for my time. I shall go away too someday.I'll go everywhere. Go do something I can be passionate about, get that degree I so wanna get, study some more. I'll go to London and roam around this one city I have heard so much about. I'll go to Greece and wanna see the Acropolis, and how can i forget Paris, have a cup of coffee on a sidewalk cafe .I'll go to Prince Edward Island in Canada so I can finally go see all those places mentioned in "Anne of Green Gables". I'll go to Istanbul and Mongolia and my favourite Australia.Sigh! Till then I have to bid farewell to all my friends as they go on to greener pastures pursuing their dreams.

So Thri, best of luck. Hope you get that teaching job you’ll be so perfect at.

Vaish I hope you finally learn how to be independent and stop hankering and getting worried about stupid relationships.

Fatty I envy you woman, I am so jealous. But wish you all the best nonetheless.

P I miss you soooooo much. Someday you’ll be arguing at the International Court of Justice. Knowing you, I am sure you’ll get there.

Parag, my monkey I hope you manage to get the CFA degree you so want and kick Willem’s butt in South Africa hahah!

Mister Daddy Long Legs you’ll be leaving really soon for _____. I want you to be really really happy and hope all your dreams come true cos you deserve nothing but the best.

Shivi darling you are in the same boat as me but maybe some time soon in the next few years you’d get a job at the HARPO studios as a producer.

As for me, I’ll just have to wait for a new day till my time comes to fly away again.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? — it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies..."

Jun 15, 2007

Dancing Eyes



It was a night out at a friend's place when she noticed him making conversation with someone .She wanted to to go home and was thinking of ways and means to get them to drop her home before they decided to go out partying but somehow she got talked into it and before long was heading to this new nightspot in the city. She was muttering under her breath “ Damn I hate, so hate these late nights.” She entered along with the rest and looked around for an interesting face only to be greeted by the same old pretty faces with a jaded look and an empty head to compliment that perfectly.

“I wonder how they do this week after week. Dress up to look all sexy and beautiful and make idle conversation with a couple of flighty people whom you wouldn’t bother to call or keep in touch besides meeting up with them in these so call happening places.”
“ Yeah isn’t it painfully and excruciatingly tedious to make polite conversation.”
She looked around to see the new guy standing behind her with only a tiny hint of a smile on his face.

“God I do have a big mouth.”

She had spoken her thoughts out aloud which she seemed to do pretty often these days.


She asked almost scornfully,“ Who would you be?”

“ Oh I forgot to introduce myself. I am Akaash’s cousin .”

That is why he had tagged along with them.


She looked away trying to locate the others in the crowd. They seemed to have vanished. She didn’t like this stranger who insisted on talking to her when her conversation skills seemed to be on a sabbatical.

But then again there was no harm in exchanging a word or two. At least she wouldn’t feel like an outsider. She took a sip of her Bloody Mary[She loved the tangy taste of the tomato juice blended with vodka and a dash of Tabasco sauce and the salt on the rim of the glass, which gave it that added zing]
and turned to look at him.
“ You have a smoke?”

“ Yup I do.”

“ Thanks”

“ So what do you do?”

That’s how the conversation started in a crowded bar between two strangers from two very different walks of life. He was from Dubai and had just shifted to India looking for a job and she was a journalist working in Delhi the last couple of months. They got talking and before long she started enjoying herself. There was something about this guy with light eyes. Not the green catty kinds, but the light brown, hazel eyes. Dancing eyes with a naughty glint in them.As if he had a million questions to ask her and a million stories to share. He made her laugh with his silly jokes and anecdotes.He had travelled a lot, born in India, grew up in Dubai, studied a bit in Chennai but finally landed up in Adelaide. He had gone backpackking all over Australia, shared a nightcap with a moonshiner, had a meal around a campfire at an aborginee settlement, made friends with a kangaroo, been scuba diving at the Great Barrier Reef and he liked his marshmallows all gooey and syruppy with hot chocolate in the middle of the night .
He wanted to know why she liked a fruity peach perfume and if she wore kohl everyday.

He asked her why a Bloody Mary and not Long Island Ice tea and why Benson and Hedges lights instead of Marlboro lights.


He wanted to get her an apple juice of all the drinks she could possibly think off.

“Apple juice. Wonder why apple juice.”
He’d go talk to Akaash when Akaash wanted to introduce him to his friends and come right back standing close to her but still not close enough. He’d insist on lighting her smoke each time she wanted a light instead of just handing her the lighter. They didn’t have the conversation of a lifetime that evening, they didn’t even have a heart to heart chat. It was just two strangers who initially started talking to keep monotony at bay.But those few stolen hours with him felt like a lifetime transported to another world.
The party got over and Akaash came over to bid goodbye and he told her how his cousin was looking for a job. She heard Akaash out patiently but her eyes kept wandering towards him. He was standing in one corner alone, with a smoke in his hand lost in his thoughts.

“ I wonder where his mind is?Is it in the endless desert somewhere wandering on a caravan or is he out on a moonlit night riding through the outback? “

“ He really needs a job. He is 29 years old and has his wife to take care of.”
Had she heard him right? He was married. She didn’t exclaim her surprise or regret and nodded saying “Oh. Yeah I am sure he would need to support his wife.”She looked at him one last time before she got into the car. She thought she saw him starring at her with a forlorn look on his face. It didn’t matter. They drove away.

She did meet him again a few times. They never had a conversation again except for an odd sentence or two. She never tried to talk to him too. She’d ignore him but sometimes their eyes would meet and just for a fraction of a moment she’d see something unspoken. She would turn her gaze away. She didn’t want to look into those dancing eyes again. Those bewitching dancing eyes…

Jun 8, 2007

Isabella


“So you’ll stay with me?” she asked me with a drowsy look, her kohl smeared eyes half open and speech slightly slurred, I could smell the wine in her breath. “Yeah if it suits my budget I shall.” I gave a non-committal reply and took a sip of my drink. That was the first evening I met Isabelle and within a few hours of meeting me she suggested we go for a drink. Isabelle looked like one of those women who had a lot of friends and acquaintances and her social diary over flowing with events. I was taken aback because she didn’t look the sort who needed the company of a stranger she had just met. The prospect of spending one more evening all alone at the hotel room disturbed me and I was only too glad to comply with her wishes.

I had recently shifted into the city, a result of an impulsive decision to take a new job and start afresh. There I was in Delhi spending the first few days within the confines of the four walls in the hotel room. Having precious little to do it seemed as if the walls were closing in on me when I got a message from an old friend, who was settled abroad, asking me to give Isabelle a call. “You’ll like her. She is friendly. You could meet her for a cup of coffee. Besides she is looking for someone to shift in with. So she could help you out with accommodation too. I told her about you and she is waiting for your call. Just call her up.” said Ayesha on the phone. She was feeling rather guilty that she wasn’t there to show me around. Ayesha had been begging me for years to come down to Delhi permanently and when I finally got a chance to it wasn’t Ayesha’s home anymore.

It was rather hesitantly that I called up Isabelle that winter afternoon, my mind full of apprehensions. I almost decided not to but when I saw the sniggering glances of the manager of the hotel I realized that I couldn’t stand to sit in that room one more day flicking through the channels on tv. Isabelle sounded quite friendly as Ayesha had said and she quickly gave me the directions to a coffee shop where we planned to meet. I reached first not knowing whom to expect because I didn’t know what she looked like. In walked a young girl dressed casually in jeans and a full sleeve white cardigan. She was small, not even 5 feet and her hair was tied up rather untidily in a bun giving her the “just out of bed” look. But she was pretty, looked like one of those dolls we played houses with when we were children, the kind, which had pink chubby cheeks, and eyes, which would open and shut.

“Parineeta?”, “Isabelle?” we said almost in unison and nodded our heads simultaneously. She giggled and I couldn’t help but do so too myself. The ice was broken that very first instance. That’s how I landed up with her at her favorite pub that night, 4 drinks down and quite happy with life cause suddenly Delhi did not feel that alien under the effect of alcohol. It was then when she mentioned she was looking for someone to shift in with. I was in two minds initially as I thought I wouldn’t be able to afford paying really high rent and Isabelle did not seem to be the type who would stay in a place, which is less than posh. But surprisingly she agreed to my budget and said we’d find a place in a nice locality.

It suited me fine and yeah I had been right about the locality being posh. She found this beautiful little house in an up market area and insisted paying three fourth the rent while I paid a quarter of it. Those were hard days and I was getting a meager salary. Isabelle turned out to be my woodwork angel. She wouldn’t let me pay for any of the expenses at home accept the rent and life was much easier all thanks to her. She was so generous that sometimes I wondered “Hell why is she so nice to me?”

Isabella baffled me in more ways than one. I knew she had a past which she wasn’t too comfortable talking about because every time I back from work in the evening I’d see her sitting with a glass of wine starring wistfully at the sky. I’d join her once in a while but mostly I avoided alcohol on weekdays. One day out of curiosity I asked her
“ Why were you named Isabella?”
She smiled “ Didn’t I tell you?”

“No you didn’t.”

“ Hmmmm! My father was a professor of History and was particularly fascinated with the history of Spain. I was named after the Spanish Queen Isabella. The one who granted Ferdinand Magellan the permission to sail around the world.”

Her friends called her Isobel and they would be out every night at some pub, lounge or a bar drinking. I couldn’t afford to lead such a lifestyle and I wasn’t too much of a night animal. So I’d be off to sleep early and many a day she’d wake me up to talk to me. One such night in a very matter of fact tone she said “ Oh and did I tell you that I am going through a divorce.”

“Oh! Ok!” was all I could say. Nothing I said would sound apt at that moment so I chose to keep quiet.

That’s why she’d spend hours and hours just sitting quietly and looking out of the window or go for long drives in her car with a bottle of wine as company in the middle of the night .Those times I would have no clue where she was and when she would return. There were men too who’d come in at the dead of the night and leave at wee hours of the morning. I never saw them but heard fragments of voices sometimes.

She had a million whims. She bought fresh flowers for our house each week. The first time she came home with flowers she wanted to surprise me and when I opened the door all I saw were flowers cause Isabelle being so tiny looked like a fairy hidden behind the bunches of flowers she was carrying. She cooked like a dream and made the most delectable Thai curry and till date in spite of it being more than a decade the smell of the Thai Red Curry reminds me of her.

She liked the smell of incense sticks and so we always lit incense sticks after she smoked a cigarette in the living room. In the morning the faint traces of the strong smell would still be in the air. With her around there wasn’t a single fleeting moment of boredom in my life. This one time she forced me to come for a drive with her at 12 at night with a bottle of Pepsi mixed with vodka and that entire journey as she drove all around the city we sang “ last Christmas” slightly inebriated maybe at the top of our voices.

Isabelle had a fetish for shoes and must have owned at least five hundred pairs. Each night when she got ready she’d ask me which pair would go the best with the outfit she was wearing and she’d strut in front of me with her six inch heels gleefully and ever so confidently that I’d be amazed how could she survive wearing them day after day. She had innumerable earrings and beads kept in these lovely traditional Indian jewelry boxes. I would have a fascinating time just fiddling around with them, as she got dressed. She ‘d say “ Parineeta they are just earrings sweetheart. What is so fascinating about them?”

Starved of such feminine vanities and trying very hard to make ends meeet, I replied saying , “ You won’t understand. “

Isabella drank too much. She drank each evening and sometimes I almost felt like asking her to stop but you can’t ask a 25 year old to stop living a life she wants to. It was a path of self-destruction. Living on the edge. Going out night after night, drinking binges night after night. Sometimes I wouldn’t meet her for days altogether cause our routines were so different. One day late at night I had gotten up for a glass of water when I heard the sound of sobbing coming from her room. I walked tiptoe wondering what could have possibly happened when I saw the door half open and Isabelle lying down on her bed with her long hair all-open .

“What happened?”

“ He left me. He doesn’t want to be with me. Said I was a whore. Sleeping with different men each night. He doesn’t’ understand. I am breaking from inside. How long am I supposed to put on this façade of all is fine. How long? They make me happy. They make me feel beautiful. All these men. At least for that night I fulfill every fantasy of theirs and I feel wanted, needed. Unlike the way he belittles me time after time.”
I saw the envelope containing the signed divorce papers from her husband. Isabella had hoped that he would change his mind but he hadn’t. Somebody had told him about the colorful life his now separated wife was leading and that was the final nail on the coffin. The result lay in my hands. I didn’t know how to console her. What could one say? A part of me wanted to be all blunt and tell her that she got it upon herself but I couldn’t be that heartless. I just held her while she cried herself to sleep.

Next morning she looked perfectly fine, as if that incident at night time had never happened and she was back to leading the bohemian life she did without a hint or trace of regret. I never said a word about that again. She continued living in deliberate oblivion of the reality. After a little while I shifted out and except the occasional phone call heard very little from her before we altogether lost touch. It has been a long long time now and sometimes I wonder where Isabelle is? What is she doing? Is she happy? Does she still have that glass of wine sharp at 6 in the evening? Does she drive aimlessly in the middle of the night as she use to? Does she still cook a delicious Thai curry? Does she still look at the sky for hours altogether with a wistful look on her face?

Wherever you are, I hope you are happy Isobel. Hope you finally laid the ghosts of your past to rest. Hope you found your Bohemia.







.

Jun 4, 2007

It's Just A Book


I read about this particular incident on a blog(http://always-a-musing.blogspot.com/) recently and it disturbed me. It made me realize that the world I was born in was a different world and I am not even that old, 23 to be precise. This small incident, which I am about to relate, took place in Kansas City, U.S.A. But it is something worth sparing a few moments and thinking about.

The owners of a small bookstore called Prospero in Kansas City took a drastic step on the Memorial Day(don’t ask me what that is ) weekend. Tom Wayne and Will Leathem have always believed in the power of the written word. Mr. Wayne also runs a small publishing house. It was the love of reading and the feeling of something amiss in their lives, which made them open the bookstore in 1997 and it was the same love, which had prompted them to buy second hand books from students and wandering families who couldn’t afford to carry the burden. They thought that instead of these books being wasted away they could make sure that somebody makes use of them.

However as the years passed their stock of second hand books only increased due to a sharp decline in reading books in America. The numbers of people reading were decreasing day by day and so were the sales. They had accumulated over 50,000 old books and there weren’t any buyers. They tried every possible way to do something about these books but to no avail. When they wanted to donate these books to correctional institutes they were flatly refused. Even stock clearance sales did not work as well wishers who’d buy some of the books would the next day deposit the books at the doorstep of the store.

A few weeks earlier frustrated by the grim scenario and finding no other way to express their anguish they did the unthinkable. They built a bonfire outside the bookstore and to the surprise of the bystanders and passers by they burnt a few hundred of their books. These two men passed a cultural statement, which has sparked of a debate amongst the clerisy and the common man in America and has sent all of them clamoring to take a stand on this issue. Most people are of the opinion that this is an appalling way of attracting the attention of the nation. But Mr. Wayne and Mr. Leathem believe that if not this then what would have stirred the nation. This is a nation where hysterical women are more bothered to carry on an agitation to get Sanjaya kicked out of American Idol, a nation where in a matter of days front page news becomes page 5 news.

Nobody uttered a word when they were making tireless efforts in trying to make the best possible use of these books. Now who are these people condemning their extreme step as an overtly melodramatic act.

I was saddened after I read about the book burning in Kansas. To think these are the desperate measures these two bookstore owners had to resort to just to make the common man aware. We are apparently living in an electronic age and take pride at having devised means of communication at lightning speed. This is not just about decline in reading in America. It is about decline of man’s power of thinking the world over.

We don’t have time. It is a rat race out there. We don’t seem to have time to spare even a half of an hour to be alone with our thoughts, to be open to the possibilities of imagination, to want to know about somebody else’s experiences in life, feel happy in their joy, sorrow in their sadness, to want to know their plight, to let ourselves be transported to another world and live another life. Books are all this and so much more.

Imagine a childhood without princes, princesses, dragons and knights.

Imagine not having spent endless hours with Famous Five and the Five find Outers.

Imagine not being conversant with Pip’s struggles and Estella’s heartlessness or Oliver and Fagin’s saga.

Imagine a naughty 10-year-old boy without Hardy Boys or a tomboy without Nancy Drews.

Imagine not having spent all those times reading Agatha Christie or Sherlock Holmes at break neck speed trying to guess who the murderer is.

Imagine not crying at Heathecliffe’s sordid life.

Imagine no Pride and Prejudice and no romance between the outspoken Elizabeth and the proud Mr. Darcy.

Imagine not having known Howard Roark’s resilience and Dagny Taggart’s persistence.

Imagine this world consisting of just us muggles, no magic, no Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Imagine you as not you and me as not me.

Imagine a world without books.


I've traveled the world twice over,
Met the famous; saints and sinners,
Poets and artists, kings and queens,
Old stars and hopeful beginners,
I've been where no-one's been before,
Learned secrets from writers and cooks
All with one library ticket
To the wonderful world of books


Anonymous

Jun 2, 2007

Of What Was, Whats If's & What Could Have Been's


A summer night way back in 1991, somewhere in a small hill station. The conversation between an 8 year old girl and a 7 year old boy.


Girl [pointing a finger]:- Look up it is so pretty.

Boy :- What is there to see? It is the same sky and the same stars. I see them every night.

Girl :- But here the sky is darker and the stars shine so much brighter and there are millions and millions of them[smiles!Trying very hard to make him understand]

Boy :- Uffffff! I don't wanna see. Can't you see these multi coloured pebbles I am trying to collect? I wanna have the biggest collection of them in school.

Girl :- "Fine you can keep your pebbles to yourself."[ walks away with a huff and a puff]( thinking -"Whats with boys? I don't like them.")

Boy :- I am glad she is gone. Girls are quite strange.



Present Day :-I was going through my inbox and found this one mail written by me on a crazy day amidst a busy schedule to a friend about someone I’d had a thing for sometime back. My friend was of the view that I have a penchant to get besotted with the most unsuitable men. So came this mail elucidating my position. Felt like a lifetime ago. Time flies and maybe sometimes we have these unfinished chapters. Sniff* Sniff*

Yeah I know I attract the wrong kind of men.Well I have known this guy as long as I can remember. Almost all my life but yeah liking him in itself has been quite a surprise for me. You don't meet someone after 14 years one evening and by the time the night is over you are left wondering what hit you. But he is such a charming mix of nerd and the fun types. In fact he is more of a nerd. He prefers sitting at home during weekends and doesn't like the idea of partying every Saturday but he went to Goa for New Year's and had a ball there, got a tattoo{dragon if I may say so} on his arm. Most of his time is spent in front of his laptop because he is techie and even at home he is always doing something or the other on the computer, be it web designing or playing some silly game or the other.[ men i tell you are fundamnetally different from us] He wouldn't take me out partying on a Saturday night but took me to this real chic’ restaurant with live music, for a candle night dinner. He loves blogging and I am in love with the way he writes. Till a while back there were articles on the net, which referred to the posts on his blog. He is not overtly nice to me ever. He is cocky when I expect him to be sweet, surprisingly sensitive when I am expecting him to be rude. He is laziness personified cause he won't even get me a glass of water but so chivalrous that he always opens doors for me, even the car door. Never lets me pay a penny. He’ll take offence if I do. Has such a short temper but insists on dropping me home and won't get angry even if I can't tell him the way home and we have been roaming around in circles for more than an hour trying to figure where I stay and I don't have a clue. Most of the times when we talk he would be telling me something happening in his life and I'd b feeling that damn I know him more than he knows me but suddenly he'd mention some small detail I about me and I would be taken aback cause hell how does he remember everything in spite of trying to act that he doesn't listen to half the things I say. He says the funniest of things and makes me laugh. Even his rudeness is tinged with humour. Damn I am totally at sea with him and he looks like a giant {he is 6ft 4}. My sister says he and I would look like a couple of idiots together. I really couldn't care because he is the one I like and kind of want to be with. Though I won't get a chance as he is leaving for the US in August and won't be coming back so its pointless getting into anything now. We’ll never get to know each other even if he and I were childhood buddies. I mean almost. That’s ____ _____ for me. Damn think I said too much. But guess I can tell you.

I am glad things are working out for you but they aren’t the same for everybody and its not always wrong choices but just the circumstances. Things don't seem to fall into place. But it’s cool. Life goes on. Darn!!!!!



So that was it. It has been 6 Months ever since. Life has moved on and I haven’t even had time to look back except for stolen moments like this one and a lingering feeling of what could’ve been? Sigh!

Love


A Soppy Me

May 31, 2007

Sister of My Heart


I remember that hot summer afternoon when I was finally taken to the hospital to get a glimpse of my much-awaited sibling. I had a baby sister and in my five-year-old mind what was of utmost importance was that now I had my very own playmate at home. My father and I waited outside the hospital room for a few minutes before we were ushered inside. I walked in and ran to my mother happily; even those 2 days without her seemed endless. My mother said, “Come meet your sister”. I tiptoed and walked over to the cradle when I saw this red woozy ball with black hair and eyes closed. I bent down to touch her and as her eyes opened all wide I saw the thick-fringed eyelashes and her shining black eyes looking back at me. I think it was at that moment I knew that I found my best friend , my buddy, my lifelong partner in crime .

My sister and I have been a trial for my mother. We were a pair of monkeys and the stories of our escapades are part of the family folklore. My father being in the army was not around too often during our growing up years so my mother brought us up almost single handedly and it must have taken some strength of mind to bring up two such naughty and stubborn children who got out from one trouble only to get into another. My mother saw to every little thing, be it our school, to our meals, our clothes, down to the last tee. She was very affectionate but there were times when she would loose her cool cause her daughters would get into some soup and there is only a certain limit till which one can be patient. Like the time when we drove the neighbor’s young son up the wall with the incessant cat calls or the time I refused to attend my tutorials and locked the door of my house shut and went and sat on the terrace till the tutor came home, saw the locked door and went away. This other time when my sister hatched a plan with the maid and they got together and threw eggs on the innocent passers by who couldn’t quite figure who was chucking eggs on them. My mother who was also a schoolteacher came home that evening to be greeted by my grandmother’s perplexed face.

Bonu [my sister’s name] and I weren’t scholars either. On the contrary we hated studying and Ma always told us that this is the only route to doing something worthwhile in life. We were forced to spend time with our schoolbooks all out of the fear of Ma’s anger. I loved reading but when it came down to Math’s or the Sciences I dreaded having anything to do with these subjects. I almost did not make it to 10th grade, a consequence of taking it too easy and I had to pay a heavy price for it. That entire summer Ma saw to it that I did my sums regularly and read my biology and physics from the very first chapter till the last. To the surprise of a lot of people I did not do too badly in my first public exam all thanks to Ma of course. My sister too was no better than me. I left for college at 18 and she was left alone with my mother. She often complained saying Ma is so over bearing and bosses over her.

In my second year of college while I was studying for my final exams I got a phone call from Ma one evening saying my sister had failed her 9th grade exams. Ma was heartbroken. Nobody in our family had ever flunked an exam before [though I had almost done so myself but got saved] . My mother was an English teacher in a reputed school in the city and it was a let down for her and more than anything it was humiliating. My sister did not speak to me that day, apparently she cried herself to sleep that night. Thus started another tribulation for my Ma. She had always had to listen to outsider’s complain about the both of us or people expressing their doubts on how could Ma let me go away to college in a far off city at the age of 18. There always seemed to be people who would come and talk about how well their children were doing while my mother would be having a tough time making sure we stay on the right path. Ma was determined though that we would do well for ourselves and that’s how she dealt with my sister’s setback. She never let my sister feel that she had lost out on something and always told her that “ Let this be a lesson. We are going to work really really hard. Even if the world seems to be coming to an end now. Circumstances will change”. My mother and sister formed a team and they systematically got around to changing my sister’s academic skills. Times did change but very slowly and gradually, one little step at a time.

Yeah it has been a step at a time. I finished with law school last year and finally started working. My mother’s belief in me paid off .It has been 4 years since that fateful day when I got that phone call. My sister is 18 now. I got another phone call a few days back. My sister’s school leaving results were coming out on the net. I was waiting for Ma and Bonu to call me that afternoon and couldn’t pay much attention to my work in office. The phone rang and as I picked it up apprehensively only to hear Ma’s sobbing in the background and my sister’s anguished high pitched voice saying “ Didi I got a 88%”. I exclaimed “ what?” I could not believe my ears. She had passed the exam with flying colors and could not now make it to the best of colleges in the country. My little sister whom every body had written off had done amazingly well and could now go to the best of the educational institutions. My mother was in tears. She was overwhelmed as it took some time to sink in. Later at night while speaking to her I said, “ Ma your two little failures, didn’t do as bad as everybody thought they would.” Ma laughed and said, “You are my daughters and I knew both of you the best. I always knew that you were never failures. It was just a matter of time.”

May 30, 2007

A Life Less Ordinary


It is just another Saturday night and like most Saturdays I throw a little tantrum on how I do not want to go out partying and want to spend time with myself but like every other Saturday I change my mind and give in. It is almost be a routine now. Although I have only been here only the last 3 months but sometimes I feel that hell I have been here forever. I get into the shower at 11 at night with a drink to keep me company. My roomie asks me to keep my phone close by just incase she wants to talk to me. She is one of the most impulsive women I have met ever in my life. With her around there isn’t a single moment of boredom. She is the one who insists that we have a drink along with our shower. So by the end of it I am a lil tipsy and start looking forward to my night out.

Same old Saturday night but tonight I am not touching alcohol since I have been on this health trip the last month or so. I didn’t really have an option. I was home for a weekend and my Mum got alarmed seeing me and gave me a sermon to last me a lifetime so I am literally off alcohol except for an odd drink or two. This is what happens when one gets into the habit of a drinking binge every now and then. You get up one morning and look at yourself in the mirror or even better your Mum meets you after 6 months who is horrified to see you in oversize clothes and when you have no substantial explanation about how you could possibly weigh 5 kgs more. The consequences being I became obsessed about working out and hitting the gym day after day without fail

Anyways we finally head out and the lounge we were planning to go is apparently full and we cannot possibly go there so we finally end up at this crowded club, not an inch to breathe, sweaty bodies everywhere and loud hindi music blasting into my ears. Not that I don’t have fun, I do. We dance our hearts out. But 4 am in the morning when I have had enough, enough of the music, my feet killing me, not inebriated, and I just plonk myself on the nearest couch trying to observe all the people in semi darkness. Hmmmm! The people are a little too flashy, not to my liking or maybe just not my taste. They try too hard to look as perfect as they do, be it the women with their designer wear and perfectly done up make up, not a hair out of place or the men who would be in body hugging tees and gelled hair and even silken shirts.

I look at myself, my hair out of place with all the crazy dance moves and my feet screaming for help cause the 2 inch high heels supporting them cannot bear the burden anymore, my skirt is crinkled up. It hits me all of a sudden what the hell am I doing here in the midst of strangers, this isn’t me, and this isn’t all that I am about. What do I keep looking for? Yeah I am not as messed up in the head like my friends, no I am not 24 and going through a divorce with a man my parents forced me to marry, no I am not this confused young beautiful little thing who is trying to find her footing in this world after her boyfriend of six years left her. I am just me, plain me. Not confused due to lack of focus. Sounds strange but I know exactly what I want from my life.

I have never really suffered from a lack of ambition. I haven’t had an eventful and chequered life like the people around me. I never had that love story which failed and I cry every now and then and provoke the sympathies of people, I never went through that nasty divorce that I have to build a shell around me and start living life on the edge before one fine day it all goes bust. My life has been ordinary, with an occasional and minor heartache here and there. I dream a lot, I have big plans in life however my story is minus such dramatically life changing events like the beautiful people surrounding me. Then why do I feel the way I do in the wee hours of the morning. Why do I look for familiar faces in a crowded disc, look for comfort amongst strangers? Why? I am supposed to be strong because I do not need that emotional dependency. I live life according to my own terms, a life I chose to live, and a little lonely maybe but I like it this way. Why does nostalgia hit me when I thought I had left all that behind? The strangest of times, it triggers of memories, it could be a whiff of a perfume, a few words, a touch, the salty taste of one tear, a fragment of a song,a meadow filled with purple cornflowers, the rain laden gray clouds and it all comes crashing down on me.

I think it’s the nomadic existence, all that I left behind, keep leaving behind, all those dreams I dreamt, the castles in the air I built, the people I bid adieu to, my favorite haunts in the different cities. It overwhelms me in times like this. This drifting that has given me solace for as long as I can remember has become the bane of my existence. Ordinary me and my ordinary life, where do these underlying poignant thoughts come from. I’ll never know and I’ll never be here again.

“We may loose and we may win
But we’ll never be here again
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
Take it easy, take it easy”

May 23, 2007

Delhi is not too far away


I am sitting at my desk in office enclosed by the cubicle. This is just another corporate establishment. The interiors are done up in white and brown with clinical precision which in someways is rather insipid and dull. We employees are the only ones which add colour to this place and breathe in life into it. The conversation in my department centres largely around the contracts my company is entering into with other corporate houses or the arbitral awards we are trying to secure for the company. Once in a while when the work load is less does the place become a little lively and we discuss the latest happenings in the country and the legal world. Its one of those rare times when I get involved in the discussion and look up , trying to crane up my neck and make my presence felt.

Or else I am in my own world.a thousand different places at the same time. My mind keeps wandering from one place to another like a gypsy. I try to confine it,constrict it to the document I am reading at a certain point but to no avail. My mind has a mind of its own :). The other day it was visting Delhi. I was wondering how different it would be working there. I won't have to look for excuses to meet people. We could chill at mocha and indulge in harmless bitching and gossiping sessions over a plate of delicious jamaican omlettes. We'd shop at lajpat nagar and janpat,buy colourful jholas,chappals and trinkets ,haggle with the shopkeepers over a measly sum of 5 rupees. After work we'd catch up for a cup of coffee and exchange notes about how horrible and tiring our day was and try to out do one another and make it look as if "Your day couldn't be worse than mine" :).

Chet and I would walk to karol bagh and have chaat and stuff ourselves to the brim with golgappas.How can i not mention the delhi winters? Whining and waking up in pitch darkness at 6 in the morning . The comforting warm water baths and covering ourselves from head to toe all geared up to fight the cold . Our first step outside the house and being hit by the icy blast of the chilly wintry wind . The shivers down my spine and the heady combination of goosebumps on my hand and the cosy warmth of my shawl over me. Loving it absolutely or rather revelling in it. The beauty of Delhi on a winter morning. I remember the India Gate shrouded in mist. The structure looked just as majestic even on a misty morning. The giggles and the hot chocolate fudge at Nirula's . Watching Harry Potter at the newly done up PVR or going for a drink to Morrison's with Akku.

I soooooooo miss that one month I spent in that city or maybe I just miss living a life I want to. "Boss is calling you". I look up trying to hide this piece of paper. My colleaugue doesn't really care. He walks away with a sarcastic expression on his face. I get up and enter my boss's cabin. After the usal exchange of social niceties and asking me how am I am finding it here I give the cliche answer. He is an adorable, fatherly man. He cannot imagine why would I want to work here of all the places so far away from home. On the pretext of listening to him I am looking out of the window nodding my head while he talks to me . The sun is out finally. Wasn't turning out to be a bad day afterall. "So next week you shall have to go for your training." I'm jerked back into reality. "Yes Sir ofcourse". "Then you can decide what you are interested in and decide where you would like to work". I am taken aback. "Really Sir!!!!!!! So where would my training be?" "Well Bombay, Calcutta ,Bangalore and Delhi. Hope it won't be too tiresome for you." "Did u say Delhi sir?" I asked him with bated breath. "Yes Delhi. Why? Do you think you don't want to be working there?" I couldn't believe my ears. I wanted to scream out loud and say "Are you kidding dude!! I'd love to go there."

Sadly I had to make do with a sedate and sober response like"No Sir . Not at all. I am fine with whichever city you send me to." I thanked him profusely and for the first time its was an honest and genuine thank you. I am elated or should i say jubilant. Its as if all the chains binding me had broken.My spirit was soaring somewhere up in the sky . I could do what I wanted to for a long long time. I could fly away again.Alas Delhi was not too far away ever.

Apr 11, 2007

A Lot Like Love


these are the lyrics of one of my favourite songs from one of my favourite movies. well i almost felt like my life was a movie, just for a short period of time until reality came and bit me. i was living the part of some protagonist of a movie but then my life ain't some romantic comedy. its not even some story book. my life is and will always remain my life however much i'd want happy endings. they are only for fairy tales. though for a moment in time i'd thought i'd finally have my happy ending. here's to the perfectly good friendship ruined by unwanted feelings and emotions..... more importantly here's to the us that could have been.....

"Look What You've Done"

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Mar 17, 2007

A Fistful of Stars


Have you ever thought about all the wishes made in the past? All those wishes you made years back and wanted them to come true oh so ardently. They did not, you moved on and forgot all about them. Once in a while u'd look back and wonder what happend to them , to those desires one had. Do they fade away into oblivion or they still remain somewhere in the realms of space sometimes all dusty and forgotten or maybe some of them are still alive and some of the magic had probably never gone away and was waiting to be discovered. maybe you prayed so hard for them to take shape into and reality and for some reason they did not but the feelings u poured into them , the energy , the thoughts have left an impact and by some freak of nature they emerge years later, probably very different but quite similar nonetheless.

I made a wish when I was 12 years old. I hoped, I prayed, waited and watched. It never came true. I wanted that so badly but to no avail. I cried, shed tears for that for almost 3 years but it wasn't to be. At 15 comon sense got the better of me so i moved on and promptly forgot all about it. Now i am almost 24 and it seems to be coming true. Atleast a teeny meeny bit of it and its bizarre. Is this a movie or something along the likes of it? Does this happen in reality?Does one make a wish at 12 and it comes true at 23? I don't know. I never thought that the 12 year old girl who'd lookup at the sky filled with stars and blow wishes into the starry sky, who'd be in love with the tricks the moonlight could play would one day in the distant future have her wish come almost true.....sometimes what you want is right where you left it....

Nov 11, 2006

rain rain go away but do come again another day...........

The other day I was on my way to work when the rain gods decided to descend on my part of the planet and my luck I wasn't carrying an umbrella. I have a penchant for being at the wrong place at the wrong time .All those weeks when I had an umbrella with me and it would almost rain but alas the sun would burst out of the clouds. That’s the story of my life. Anyways I ran for shelter and suddenly for a fleeting moment it was total deja' vu .I never thought I’d say this but I think I finally started missing Pune.

The rains will always remind me of Pune. I have so many memories of the rains. It started off with the rains that monsoon 5 years back. I remember walking into college that first day and as I entered the gates whoooooooooooshhhhhhhh came the rains welcoming me aboard. That’s how it began and this time when it finally ended it ended with a whooshhhhhhhhhh too. That last rain. It washed away all the ties, the bonds and all the tears. I’d thought it had washed away all the memories too but as the days go by I realize that in some corner of my heart everything is intact and always will be however much I try to deny it.

When I look back I realize the rains have been my constant companions be it in good times and the bad times. I remember that first time walking back from college and yeah the heavens opened up but nevertheless we walked on in silent companionship. Maybe we knew that this was meant to be. Our first date and walking aimlessly in the rain for hours and the nonstop chatter. You caught this nasty cold and apparently I had made you walk all those miles. That’s what you told your friends. Finally when it was all over, I remember the salty taste of my tears mixed with the raindrops. You left me crying in the rain. But that was another day another time...

Second year all of us bugged were with the rains. We were perpetually getting drenched in the rains and most of all our jeans would suffer the most. The ends would be filthy so three of us devised our own way to fold our jeans and comical as it sounds they remained folded forever after that. To our delight they became a fashion statement a year later. We’d be in our folded denims and all those hoity toity women from the arts and commerce section would be decked up from head to toe and would give us those dirty stares and we couldn’t really care less. The rains could never stop us. We’d still go ahead and do all that we wanted to. If we had to party, we had to party. So what if it’s l Monday night and we just partied the Saturday before? So what if it’s raining cats and dogs and we'd needlessly get wet from head to toe? What are rickshaws for? So what if we can't take our bikes and we barely have money enough to pay the rickshaw fare but we shall go ahead and do what has to be done.

I remember P and I on her green bike on are way to Barista after college and the water was falling in sheets that day. I tried to open the umbrella only for it to turn upside down in the wind leaving us looking like a pair of bedraggled wet crows and laughing in splits. That wild night when all of us went looking for alcohol at 3 in the morning. The rain would not deter us. We were looking for some obscure "mavshi" {aunt in Marathi} who'd sell us liquor even at this unearthly hour. To top it all her shop was under some Banyan tree. Every tree we passed would be scrutinized from every angle because in our inebriated state trying to recognize a certain kind of tree was a wee bit difficult. We never found the alcohol that night but one of the bikes stopped working and we had to push it back around 5 miles. It was 6 in the morning by then. We were tired and drenched and a tad bit irritated too.


Last year was the penultimate, 200 of us would be lawyers out on a legal aid camp in some far off village. Off all the days our college authorities had to choose the day when record rainfall was recorded in the state and the Bombay deluge happened. To think we actually had a dress code and we abided by it seems amazing. We were in pristine white salwar kameezes and the poor boys had to wear suits. Forget about being able to give valuable legal advise to the poor and the needy, they ran in the opposite direction as soon as they saw us. We asked them "aapka koi problem hai,court kachahri ka?"[Do you have any legal problem?] They would look at us blankly and nod their heads finally after many such failed attempts this one friend of mine burst out "kuch bhi problem bataiye na.sardi, zukham madam kuch bhi chalega" :[ Madam any problem would do, even a cold and a cough].After all the poor souls with such heavy rains ,legal problems would be the last thing on anybody's mind. We came back to Pune soaking wet, color had started running out of every bag, stole and jacket. We had multi colored blotches all over our clothes. By the end of it we vowed that we'd never be our benevolent selves again, at least not on a rainy day.

Of course the rains in Bombay. I had to go to Bombay come rain, snow, hail. why? Silly me was in love and in my rational mind {yeah I can be rational too once in a while. Come on at the end of the day I am still a lawyer} if I thought if I don't meet him now then don't know when I’d meet him again. So there I went in spite of so many warnings from my friends that there mite be roadblocks and land slides. Who was listening? On my journey in the Volvo as I looked out I could see boulders all ready to fall on our bus. I was literally praying "No god. Not me.Pleassssssssseeeee....... not now". Needless to say I reached Bombay all safe and sound. I didn't regret it one bit though. It was a different world altogether. Driving all around Bombay with P. Walking along gateway of India in the light drizzle. Holding hands on marine drive. Fighting in the car near bandstand when he just insisted on dropping me home. That last day kissing him in the rain. Someways I knew this was the last time we were meeting like this. That’s the way it was.


This year was my last trip to Pune and that last ride in the rickshaw to R’s place. It was such a dark, depressing and rainy day. R was so cold. so hard to imagine that she had been one of my best pals for 5 years. I walked out with my luggage. I bid my final farewell to one of my most favorite people. Couldn’t stop the tears as they rolled down my cheeks and then came the raindrops pitter-patter, pitter-patter but the pace changed. even the rain must have felt my sorrow because it came down in torrents and washed away all my tears. I left Pune the next day never to return again.

Thus ended my tryst with the rain or so I thought. I am in a new city where it hardly rains ever. Until that morning it started again pitter-patter, pitter-patter. Darn it is that dreaded rain again. Follows me everywhere. Though I wonder what it'll bring with it now..........

Nov 5, 2006

blue skies fading to grey

its my third day at work and this tiny voice inside my head saying what the hell am i doing here just seems to be growing louder and louder and very soon shall be crying itself hoarse.someone asked me the other day what was a lawyer like me doing here?i didn't know what to say?i mumbled some vague reply about wanting to do my llm abroad which i do but thats such a long term plan and right now inspiring myself seems so hard.i feel so useless like this piece of wood rooted to this one place.everything seems to have changed overnight.i feel obligated to put on this good girl facade,the model niece.they think i am some wild child that needs to be tamed.so like i told my mum the other day in a fit of anger before leaving"i'll do everything they expect me to do.not go out,not have friends,no late nights,no partying ,dancing ,no music.to cut a long story short i won't have a life of my own."if thats what makes everybody happy then be it.i won't give them a chance to complain ever.so that when the time comes to extract my pound of flesh i can do so.they'll neva b able to label me irresponsible or say that i am not in control of my life.its just that been so long since i have been my animated self,my bubbly, chirpy self, giggling and laughing over silly things.damn nothing to look forward to.jus empty months ahead of me.the one bright spot in my life also seems to have disappeared.though i am human after all.i'll never stop hoping ,dreaming ,waiting.hoping something good comes out of my stint here,dreaming of a brighter day when i can head out to do my llm where i want to{columbia university} :) and waiting for a time when i can wake up each morning wth a smile on my face........

Oct 24, 2006

like a dream no end and no beginning.........

i've been havin this wierd feeling that one part of my life is over.i know it is.its like leavin so many things behind and i don't even know what i have to look forward to.jus that i am so used to livin a particular way and all that is changing now.but i keep tellin myself that this isn't gonna be forever and there shall be things to look forward to.life has its own twists and turns but we jus learn how to move on.how many times do we move on?i have moved on so many times ,times when ppl thought i cudn't but i did.now its this empty void feeling inside me.

i've tried too hard in da past.i am not gonna make da same mistakes again.besides what has to be will be and when u least expect it we are taken by surprise like i was and have been in da past.its like u get a glimpse of what could have been or can be but it just ends with that day, one glimpse and i am left wondering.no i never ever planned to be taken unawares but i was and its been sometime now.seems unreal now ,this dream like quality. a fragment of a day,just one evening,a miniscule moment in my life.thats all it was and thats all it'll ever be.no beginning and no end............

Oct 22, 2006

don't know where i am goin but i guess i am on my way

spoke to this one friend today and surprisingly she also has a blog which no one knows about.she said i needn't tell her my address cos maybe this was my own private space.she is so true in someways cos this blog gives me anonymity which i so love.i love the fact that i can pen my thoughts down in public and still remain incognito.for me thats the charm of blogging.i know ppl who are like knwon thru their blogs and the world reads them.i'd hate that cos then its as if my life is an open book.i don't want my life to be that.there has to be some mystery about me heheh!!!!!!!maybe cos in real life i am such a girl next door,nothing extraordinary about me.damn now i am sounding too modest hahaha!!!!!!

too many things running in my head right now.actually my mind is always this hotch potch of thoughts.cannot remember a time when i am not thinking.sometimes u notice this lost look on ppl and u r probably like"penny for ur thoughts" and they'd be like"i am blank".damn i am never blank.never ever do i remember a time since i have attained consciousness that i have not been thinking.its also cos a lot of ppl tell me i think too much.someone said thats my problem.but then me wudn't be me without all the nonsensical thinking i do.there is always food for thought in my mind :).

anyways i am gonna be living in a new city really soon and even though i was apprehensive about it but now the idea has started sinking in and guess i have accepted the fact.we don't always get what we want the way we want.most of the times in life we don't get exactly what we want.when i look around me also realise in someways i have been so lucky and i really thank god for these blessings.i really really hope that i have the zest and passion in me to go ahead with my dreams when the time comes to fulfill them because it aint gonna be easy and needs a lot of hradwork and relentless pursuit.don't know if i'll ever get there.but then i have to.i want to.but i guess i am on my way :).