Nov 11, 2006

rain rain go away but do come again another day...........

The other day I was on my way to work when the rain gods decided to descend on my part of the planet and my luck I wasn't carrying an umbrella. I have a penchant for being at the wrong place at the wrong time .All those weeks when I had an umbrella with me and it would almost rain but alas the sun would burst out of the clouds. That’s the story of my life. Anyways I ran for shelter and suddenly for a fleeting moment it was total deja' vu .I never thought I’d say this but I think I finally started missing Pune.

The rains will always remind me of Pune. I have so many memories of the rains. It started off with the rains that monsoon 5 years back. I remember walking into college that first day and as I entered the gates whoooooooooooshhhhhhhh came the rains welcoming me aboard. That’s how it began and this time when it finally ended it ended with a whooshhhhhhhhhh too. That last rain. It washed away all the ties, the bonds and all the tears. I’d thought it had washed away all the memories too but as the days go by I realize that in some corner of my heart everything is intact and always will be however much I try to deny it.

When I look back I realize the rains have been my constant companions be it in good times and the bad times. I remember that first time walking back from college and yeah the heavens opened up but nevertheless we walked on in silent companionship. Maybe we knew that this was meant to be. Our first date and walking aimlessly in the rain for hours and the nonstop chatter. You caught this nasty cold and apparently I had made you walk all those miles. That’s what you told your friends. Finally when it was all over, I remember the salty taste of my tears mixed with the raindrops. You left me crying in the rain. But that was another day another time...

Second year all of us bugged were with the rains. We were perpetually getting drenched in the rains and most of all our jeans would suffer the most. The ends would be filthy so three of us devised our own way to fold our jeans and comical as it sounds they remained folded forever after that. To our delight they became a fashion statement a year later. We’d be in our folded denims and all those hoity toity women from the arts and commerce section would be decked up from head to toe and would give us those dirty stares and we couldn’t really care less. The rains could never stop us. We’d still go ahead and do all that we wanted to. If we had to party, we had to party. So what if it’s l Monday night and we just partied the Saturday before? So what if it’s raining cats and dogs and we'd needlessly get wet from head to toe? What are rickshaws for? So what if we can't take our bikes and we barely have money enough to pay the rickshaw fare but we shall go ahead and do what has to be done.

I remember P and I on her green bike on are way to Barista after college and the water was falling in sheets that day. I tried to open the umbrella only for it to turn upside down in the wind leaving us looking like a pair of bedraggled wet crows and laughing in splits. That wild night when all of us went looking for alcohol at 3 in the morning. The rain would not deter us. We were looking for some obscure "mavshi" {aunt in Marathi} who'd sell us liquor even at this unearthly hour. To top it all her shop was under some Banyan tree. Every tree we passed would be scrutinized from every angle because in our inebriated state trying to recognize a certain kind of tree was a wee bit difficult. We never found the alcohol that night but one of the bikes stopped working and we had to push it back around 5 miles. It was 6 in the morning by then. We were tired and drenched and a tad bit irritated too.

Last year was the penultimate, 200 of us would be lawyers out on a legal aid camp in some far off village. Off all the days our college authorities had to choose the day when record rainfall was recorded in the state and the Bombay deluge happened. To think we actually had a dress code and we abided by it seems amazing. We were in pristine white salwar kameezes and the poor boys had to wear suits. Forget about being able to give valuable legal advise to the poor and the needy, they ran in the opposite direction as soon as they saw us. We asked them "aapka koi problem hai,court kachahri ka?"[Do you have any legal problem?] They would look at us blankly and nod their heads finally after many such failed attempts this one friend of mine burst out "kuch bhi problem bataiye na.sardi, zukham madam kuch bhi chalega" :[ Madam any problem would do, even a cold and a cough].After all the poor souls with such heavy rains ,legal problems would be the last thing on anybody's mind. We came back to Pune soaking wet, color had started running out of every bag, stole and jacket. We had multi colored blotches all over our clothes. By the end of it we vowed that we'd never be our benevolent selves again, at least not on a rainy day.

Of course the rains in Bombay. I had to go to Bombay come rain, snow, hail. why? Silly me was in love and in my rational mind {yeah I can be rational too once in a while. Come on at the end of the day I am still a lawyer} if I thought if I don't meet him now then don't know when I’d meet him again. So there I went in spite of so many warnings from my friends that there mite be roadblocks and land slides. Who was listening? On my journey in the Volvo as I looked out I could see boulders all ready to fall on our bus. I was literally praying "No god. Not me.Pleassssssssseeeee....... not now". Needless to say I reached Bombay all safe and sound. I didn't regret it one bit though. It was a different world altogether. Driving all around Bombay with P. Walking along gateway of India in the light drizzle. Holding hands on marine drive. Fighting in the car near bandstand when he just insisted on dropping me home. That last day kissing him in the rain. Someways I knew this was the last time we were meeting like this. That’s the way it was.

This year was my last trip to Pune and that last ride in the rickshaw to R’s place. It was such a dark, depressing and rainy day. R was so cold. so hard to imagine that she had been one of my best pals for 5 years. I walked out with my luggage. I bid my final farewell to one of my most favorite people. Couldn’t stop the tears as they rolled down my cheeks and then came the raindrops pitter-patter, pitter-patter but the pace changed. even the rain must have felt my sorrow because it came down in torrents and washed away all my tears. I left Pune the next day never to return again.

Thus ended my tryst with the rain or so I thought. I am in a new city where it hardly rains ever. Until that morning it started again pitter-patter, pitter-patter. Darn it is that dreaded rain again. Follows me everywhere. Though I wonder what it'll bring with it now..........

Nov 5, 2006

blue skies fading to grey

its my third day at work and this tiny voice inside my head saying what the hell am i doing here just seems to be growing louder and louder and very soon shall be crying itself hoarse.someone asked me the other day what was a lawyer like me doing here?i didn't know what to say?i mumbled some vague reply about wanting to do my llm abroad which i do but thats such a long term plan and right now inspiring myself seems so hard.i feel so useless like this piece of wood rooted to this one place.everything seems to have changed overnight.i feel obligated to put on this good girl facade,the model niece.they think i am some wild child that needs to be like i told my mum the other day in a fit of anger before leaving"i'll do everything they expect me to do.not go out,not have friends,no late nights,no partying ,dancing ,no cut a long story short i won't have a life of my own."if thats what makes everybody happy then be it.i won't give them a chance to complain that when the time comes to extract my pound of flesh i can do so.they'll neva b able to label me irresponsible or say that i am not in control of my life.its just that been so long since i have been my animated self,my bubbly, chirpy self, giggling and laughing over silly things.damn nothing to look forward to.jus empty months ahead of me.the one bright spot in my life also seems to have disappeared.though i am human after all.i'll never stop hoping ,dreaming ,waiting.hoping something good comes out of my stint here,dreaming of a brighter day when i can head out to do my llm where i want to{columbia university} :) and waiting for a time when i can wake up each morning wth a smile on my face........

Oct 24, 2006

like a dream no end and no beginning.........

i've been havin this wierd feeling that one part of my life is over.i know it is.its like leavin so many things behind and i don't even know what i have to look forward to.jus that i am so used to livin a particular way and all that is changing now.but i keep tellin myself that this isn't gonna be forever and there shall be things to look forward has its own twists and turns but we jus learn how to move many times do we move on?i have moved on so many times ,times when ppl thought i cudn't but i its this empty void feeling inside me.

i've tried too hard in da past.i am not gonna make da same mistakes again.besides what has to be will be and when u least expect it we are taken by surprise like i was and have been in da past.its like u get a glimpse of what could have been or can be but it just ends with that day, one glimpse and i am left i never ever planned to be taken unawares but i was and its been sometime now.seems unreal now ,this dream like quality. a fragment of a day,just one evening,a miniscule moment in my life.thats all it was and thats all it'll ever beginning and no end............

Oct 22, 2006

don't know where i am goin but i guess i am on my way

spoke to this one friend today and surprisingly she also has a blog which no one knows about.she said i needn't tell her my address cos maybe this was my own private space.she is so true in someways cos this blog gives me anonymity which i so love.i love the fact that i can pen my thoughts down in public and still remain incognito.for me thats the charm of blogging.i know ppl who are like knwon thru their blogs and the world reads them.i'd hate that cos then its as if my life is an open book.i don't want my life to be that.there has to be some mystery about me heheh!!!!!!!maybe cos in real life i am such a girl next door,nothing extraordinary about me.damn now i am sounding too modest hahaha!!!!!!

too many things running in my head right now.actually my mind is always this hotch potch of thoughts.cannot remember a time when i am not thinking.sometimes u notice this lost look on ppl and u r probably like"penny for ur thoughts" and they'd be like"i am blank".damn i am never blank.never ever do i remember a time since i have attained consciousness that i have not been thinking.its also cos a lot of ppl tell me i think too much.someone said thats my problem.but then me wudn't be me without all the nonsensical thinking i do.there is always food for thought in my mind :).

anyways i am gonna be living in a new city really soon and even though i was apprehensive about it but now the idea has started sinking in and guess i have accepted the fact.we don't always get what we want the way we want.most of the times in life we don't get exactly what we want.when i look around me also realise in someways i have been so lucky and i really thank god for these blessings.i really really hope that i have the zest and passion in me to go ahead with my dreams when the time comes to fulfill them because it aint gonna be easy and needs a lot of hradwork and relentless pursuit.don't know if i'll ever get there.but then i have to.i want to.but i guess i am on my way :).

Sep 17, 2006

thats the way it is

okie i was itching to write so here i am with a new post.actually blogging is so public maybe thats why i find it hard putting my thoughts down.anyways i am on da threshold of a new is over and i am heading out to the big bad world as everyone likes putting it as.but i was soooooo soooooo done wth college and pune.think sometimes we have an overdose of a particular place and the ppl.too many memories.good and bad ones.there were times i thought i'd jus leave and never look back.yeah i am neva gonna look back.i don't even feel bad as so many of them do.they suffer from da "i am missing pune" blues.they rush back for the alumni meet or feel sad that they cannot make it becos of work.i don't even wanna go back ever.again i do not seem to be makin i ever make sense for that matter??????

but this is the way its gonna be.i am goin to a city i don't wanna be castle of cards has come plonking down again.over and over again its the same story and i so hate it.

Jul 26, 2006

not all who wander are lost......

well i keep wandering.venturing i guess,testing new waters all the time.i don't even know what i am lookin for.mayb i'll neva get what i am looking for.maybe i'll jus die as lonely as i feel right now.or maybe i just suffer from the consequences of having an overactive imagination.don't know jus that one experience after another and i know i am learning each time. hell i am so sick of this trial and error method. then again who wud wanna b stuck wth a mistake for da rest of r lives.
besides with time i have learnt to laugh at myself,my silly antics,my impulses,my highs , my lows and hitting rock bottom and realising how futile all of this is. at the end of it all i am smiling and still not afraid or wary of it and optimistic i guess.know someday there shall be an end to this quest of mine.damn this actually turning out to be one hell of a quest and its been like 5 yrs and i am still on searching......

"another ditch on da road keep movin
another stop sign keep movin on"

Jan 18, 2006

And Finally The Tables Are Startin To Turn..........

yeah finally the the tables are startin to turn.a lot of things have started to make sense and i am so sure that times will change .hell they have and well life is gonna take all of us to different places and frankly sayin i wouldn't wanna trade places with anybody.i am really apprehensive about my future but heyyyyyyyy i am getting there and shall get there someday .things will be fine and i shall be happy .i feel soooooooooo different now ,so much more in control and figured its useless wanting things too badly.what is mine will come to me and sometimes if u do want somethings badly u get them we should always be careful about what we ask for ,what we pray for .

don't know where i am headed but i am on my way.and finally the tables are starting to turn ,talkin bout a revolution,,,,,,,,,,