Jul 28, 2008
Ah well there are a multitude of things to be done and I have actually been waiting for this for a long long time. I remember my first day of work and those nagging doubts in my mind that I am not supposed to be here and that I probably made the wrong decision. I have questioned myself incessantly during the course of the last two years. But I didn’t find the answers I was looking for. On the contrary I discovered a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. I realised that self loathe will take me nowhere. It’ll only worsen the situation. I had been so callous last year. I would forget dates of matters to be coming up at court, I would not maintain records like I should have, I would not update the status of cases and I would not attend the hearings in court up until my boss reminded me. To sum it all up I was a poor employee. I am ashamed to say so but that is what I was. I was living in self denial. I thought I don’t wanna be giving my whole and soul into something that I don’t love. I remember arguing with my Mother about leaving this job and how she always asked me to hang in there. I’d scream and shout and bang the phone down expecting her to understand that I hated it and why should I compromise on something I cannot even relate to.
This isn’t about finding something you love. No I am sure all of us know how important it is to be doing something you love. But sometimes maybe we have to do something we don’t like in order to get somewhere we want to. I learnt it the hard way but I did. But I did change my opinion rather reluctantly as it dawned upon me that there are lessons to be learnt from the last places you ever thought you would learn. I took tiny steps at first but I did start doing a decent job and it has been a journey of self revelation. My self esteem use to be at an all time low cos I did not seem to be getting anything right for the longest time. I wouldn’t have been happy any other way than to give my best. I am so glad I realised that. I thank the people who had the patience to bear with me. Yeah I thank my Boss. I know he’ll never read this and I wouldn’t want him to read this harum scarum blog of mine but Thank You!
Thank You for putting up with my slip shoddy work last year. Thank You for not giving it off to me when I almost lost that file. Thank You for saving my face when the easiest thing in the world would have been to spill the beans and burst the bubble. Thank You for the understanding the sort of worker I am and making sure that the work delegated to me would be over weeks before. Thank You for the unsolicited advise you gave me every now and then. Thank You for teaching me the importance of detailed research and the significance of the To Do lists. Thank You for giving me the responsibilities that you did cos hither to that I had never believed in myself. I still question myself every now and then but I also know that now I am capable of handling so much more. I recollect filling up my self appraisal form and telling Boss that I know I shouldn’t expect anything in the annual salary hike that takes place every July.
I hadn’t expected anything until the morning I landed up at work and there was mayhem everywhere as everybody tried opening the HR portal that had the individual mails stating the bonus and the hike based on the past financial year and there it was those higgledy piggledy figures that roughly told me that I’d got a decent bonus and hell I got an awesome hike. Yeayyyyyyyy! Now I have the resources to make that long pending trip to Pune for the transcripts and recommendation letters from college. I would even be able to pay off a substantial part of my credit card bill that had been weighing me down for the longest time. Paying for the applications do not seem to be an uphill task as they did even a month back. I could even squeeze in a tiny holiday to Mcleudgunj sometime in September. These little things would definitely make my life easier, give me something to smile about and these lessons learnt the hard way are the ones that ultimately make the difference between what I was, what I am today and what I can be tomorrow.
That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.
Jul 20, 2008
I wonder where I went wrong. I am the one who goes wrong all the time. And apparently blaming myself is a fault to. You think I should be responsible for my own actions. Whatever made you think otherwise? You said you don't try too hard well I try and I am glad I do. If I didn't try I wouldn't know what it is and would have been left with a bunch of "could have beens" and "what ifs". You are happy with whatever comes your way but sometimes I want more than what comes my way. Thats only human to. I detest silly and stoopid arguments and most of all I hate the silence.Tis so easy for you to say you don't wanna talk cos you don't wanna fight since it disturbs you. So we have these periods of silence when I have to act like you don't exist until you are alright with the idea of talking to me again. It didn't bother me half as much before but now it does and I know you'll go about doing your own thing until you feel like it.
I wish I was like that. I wish it was like before when I didn't care. It didn't matter if you didn't call me for months and months. I was happy in my own make believe world. There were other things that were more important to me, other people who effected me more. I don't even know exactly when I changed my mind, but I did. I don't want these misunderstandings to come in between us especially if someone is sitting thousands of miles away and one can do precious little. I hate not talking to you. I miss you, I really do.
Jul 14, 2008
What a quiet weekend it has been except for Friday night and Sunday night! Well that’s almost two thirds the weekend. Isn’t it? Hee Hee! Friday evening Batty Woman and I went to Lajpat Nagar cos I had to drop off a file at a lawyer’s office and her ladyship needed to find a photo studio that would transfer her much treasured films ( the ones she’d made ) from the video tape to a DVD. We were hopping skipping and jumping from one shop to another when she finally found a Kodak Studio that would do it. Batty Woman kept hankering about having Chaat because only a day earlier we had been sorely disappointed by the Chaat at Chatak Chat in Aurobindo Market that had turned out to be insipid and minus any zing. But my eyebrows were of supreme importance to me and I was sick of looking like Kroor Singh for almost a month now. I was looking for a beauty parlour to get my eyebrows done. We found one hidden behind the momo stall in one corner of the market. I heaved a sigh of relief and ran inside but darn this was an old old place with purple walls with peeling off paint. The last time anybody would have come here must have been the early nineties. I let the woman handle my eyebrows and left the rest up to God. Batty Woman giggled and was secretly hoping I wouldn’t end up minus any eyebrows. But wonder of wonder she did such an awesome job. One shouldn’t always go on appearances i guess. Atleast not when you don’t really have too many options.
We had Papdi Chaat, drank Banta, and then Milk Shake from Keventer’s and finally Kaala Khataa Chuski. Having chuski was a novel experience altogether as Batty Woman and I between us passed the funniest and the nastiest comments on all the women walking around us in the market area. We literally ripped them apart. Felt like quite the bitch by the end of it but we were only having stupid girly fun. Our lips were bright purple and we were laughing like there is no tomorrow. I am sure the people around us would have thought we were more than a lil loony. Apparently amidst all the laughter Batty Woman was quietly also thinking of a time when there would be no chuski in the foregn lands and nobody with whom she could make fun of the whole world with. It started raining as we hurried to N block market to meet up with the Economist, She and her Boy at Kasbah for coffee. Was good fun. Later the Economist treated us to a drink each at Shalom rather tempted us with promises of cocktails and we gave in. So I had a Cosmopolitan and Batty Woman had a Strawberry Daiquiri. The Economist has this exasperating habit of taking our pictures when we are completely unaware and in some of the pictures or most of them I look retarded while Batty Woman looks pretty in all of them. Hmphhhhh!To top it all he puts them up on Facebook and we have such a merry time commenting on them. He even took a video of one of our cat fights and threatend to post it on YOUTUBE naming it “King of The World” cos Batty Woman triumphs over me at the end of it and literally sat on me screaming “ I AM THE CHAMPION” . hahaha!
Sunday afternoon Raddy got one of the biggest surprises of all times. She’d been cribbing and whining about Atti who has been in Kuwait for the last month and a half. They hadn’t been speaking properly for a couple of days and there was some miscommunication yada yada yada! Same old long distance relationship blues. The three of us were happily lazing around. Rad and Batty Woman played scrabble as I goofed around surfing the net. The bell rang and Batty Woman went to open the door. We were debating on who it would be. But Batty Woman opens the door and doesn’t say a word and in comes Atti walking jauntily with a smoke in his hand and his shades on. I almost fell off the sofa as I screamed but it was Raddy’s expression that was classic. She was on the floor as they’d been playing card scrabble. She just froze. She had no idea that he’d be coming down as he had been so uncertain about the future. It took all of us half an hour to digest that Atti had actually come back and managed shocking us the way he did. He always does this but before it would be after a weekend trip from Jaipur or the likes of it. This time he pulled off a complete international surprise hahaha! Batty Woman and I oohhed and aahhed thinking wow I wish somebody would do that for me. Batty Woman goes like “ Haaaaiiiiiii why doesn’t someone do all this for me?”
Sigh! Yes I wish somebody did spring such a surprise on me, when I least expect it. Something tangible, not fleeting, something that was here to stay, something lasting, not transient and momentary but forever.
Jul 10, 2008
I spoke to this friend of mine after a long time today. We lost touch because we were too immersed in our own lives and I didn’t bother to make the effort. He was working in Bangalore in a top tier law firm and he had been picked up right after law school. I always envied him and told him so too cos he had soooooo much mullah to spare . There I was working for a construction company and earning peanuts and still am . He was a high profile associate in one of the most sought after law firms and they billed their clients a few hundred dollars per hour.
I remember this particular conversation we had when he tried to tell me why exactly I should work in an establishment such as the one he was working in.
A :- “ You know you’ll get used to the finer things in life and you won’t be able to work for a lesser salary. When you’d be able to pick up a Gucci or a Versace bag instead of the fakes one you’d know what I am talking about. You’d be able to take your folks on exotic holidays at the blink of an eye. Snobbery will become a habit and believe me it is quite a high when you meet your compatriots working in small lesser known law firms.”
Me:- “ Dude that is so not me. I can’t do that. But yeah I love the monetary benefits. Maybe secretly I’d love to turn up my nose too.” Sigh!
I never got a job in that firm and after a while I stopped pining for it since I truly believe grapes are sour . I got a surprise phone call from him today and he told me that he was resigning after a year of working for a bunch of slave drivers and that he’d been hospitalised and he was on the brink of a nervous breakdown and his folks wanted him to take a break and come back home as soon as possible. He said “ I just want peace of mind P and I take back all that I told you last year. I wanna be able to spend time with myself and not constantly be pestered by SMS’s at 4 in the morning asking me to finish a particular job by 9 in the morning. I want to be able to switch my phone of and not be hounded by my bosses. Even if it means earning considerably lesser. I don’t wanna burn out this early. Hell I am only 24.”
Yeah I am only 24 too and there is time. I don’t always need to be in this rat race where I am so unsure of the destination. Maybe doing things differently isn’t as appalling an idea that I always though it was. Guess money isn’t everything though it is a vital part of life. I don’t need an original Gucci and Prada right now I am quite happy with Janpath and M Block market. I know I cannot take my folks to foreign locales but someday I will be able to and not at the cost of my sanity and health. I live a peaceful life. My Boss doesn’t treat me like his paid slave. He gives me days off when I am PMSing and am all cranky and whiny. Yes I crib about paying bills but tis alright. I get to spend the loveliest times with my friends. I get to cuddle up in a corner with my books on a rainy day. I get to blog when I wanna and most of my posts are written amidst work. I haven’t given up on all the things I love in life just to earn the frivolous luxuries.
I can sneak out for the occasional coffee with my friends in the middle of a loony day at work. I can look up at the blue blue sky, I can play in the first rain and be all gleeful and cheery about it. I can smell the roses, I can stare rapturously at the Gulmohur Tree for hours while sitting on my terrace in the evening. Yes I have time to stand and stare.
"What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare."
As for him well he is taking a break, waltzing off to Singapore for a couple of days,planning to learn French, spend time with his family and laze around doing absolutely nothing. heheh!
Jul 5, 2008
Friday night, three bored and suitably messed up women , a bottle vodka, driving around and what do you get the perfect recipe for a crazy night. A night which started out perfectly innocently cos I wanted to sleep early since I have been sleep deprived this whole week. I don’t know why I can’t pop into bed early like most people would do if they had work at 9 in the morning. But no I have to drive myself to this exhausted and sleep deprived state and its not that I have been on some wild partying spree. No my excuses of not sleeping have been as insipid as watching a movie on my laptop or skyping till wee hours or having Chinese at Pandara road at 1 in the morning or the the lamest one talking on the phone with my best friend Batty Woman. So last evening I told Raddy that I really wanted to make it an early night as I haven’t been getting any sleep and surprisingly she agreed. So we stepped out for a little while to pick up some liquor since it was Friday evening. After doing so madam wanted to go on a drive and drink I indulged her and said fine we’ll do so. Anyways how long would we be driving around and we would be home in an hour. So we start making drinks in the car rather I made the drinks as she drove and suddenly a bright idea flashed in my head I told Raddy “ Come lets go meet Batty Woman.” She wanted to drink too and she’d almost sighed when I had told her on the phone that Raddy and I are gonna be drinking. So I call her up and ask her to come out for a drive and her first reaction was “ Are you mad? My parents will murder me if they wake up in the middle of the night and I am not at home” . Finally after much coaxing she settled for having one drink in the car right under her house. She came down sat in the car and took a sip of my drink and as the alcohol took precedence over everything else and made its presence felt in our systems we women went on our own strange whacky trips and drunken dials to Kuwait and England and Hyderabad were made. Strangers were spoken to over the phone. Younger brother of Batty Woman was called frantically and asked to keep shut if her Mommy came downstairs. All fear was forgotten as we made numerous trips to her house to use the washroom and she sneaked us into her house in our drunken state and not to forget in a drunken stupor.
As I try to remember just snatches of conversation come back to me. Mr Light Eyes from the Middle East told me over the phone that he’d have an extra marital affair with me. Yes he is very cute but married to a model. I said I do not flirt with married men and gave the phone back to Raddy who had called to speak to Atti. Atti and Light Eyed Looser were at some yacht party in Kuwait. Batty Woman sent her her giant who is shooting a film at Hyderabad, a soppy message from my phone and forgot to write her name and lamented for 10 minutes cos Giant would think tis me confessing my undying love for him. He did nothing of that sort and called her back promptly saying “Hmmmmm what was that message all about.” Batty Woman all happy says “Giant I am drunk but I loweee you.” The things we women do under the effects of alcohol. But the funniest was when we sneaked into her house and three of us couldn’t stop laughing i. There was no reason whatsoever but we rolled on the floor and laughed. Thank god for her folks being such sound sleepers and the fact that they were sleeping upstairs. I dread to imagine what would have happened if they had been woken up by drunken antics. I wonder why we acted the way we did. I have been laughing all day just thinking about last night and remembering our girly talk. Kudos to Batty Woman and her pluck or else who would let two of her inebriated friends into her house at 1 in the morning just to use the wash room and be so drunk herself that she couldn’t walk in a straight line. We even smuggled “murukkus” out of her kitchen into the car. When Raddy and I finally got back home and I was looking for the bottle of vodka I found the empty bottle lying under the seat. I was appalled with our habits.
Batty Woman’s explanation this morning “Oh please I get carried away too easily. One slight push in the not so right direction and I forget everything and act like some super cool dare devil when the truth of the matter being if my folks had woken up last night and seen me and the two of you drunk and running around the building corridors I would have been slaughtered alive and they would have thought I do it every day at night when this is the first time and I would have been forbidden to ever meet you again.” A long pause. Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
My first reaction this morning “ Dude what was wrong with us last night? What happened?”
Raddy’s answer “ We were marvellously drunk thats all. “ hehehe!
PS :- I still went to office at 9 in the morning just incase you think I didn’t manage getting up on time for office and its 5:30 and I am still here. Hmphhhhhh! Btw Batty Woman and I are sitting at my place this evening and watching movies and drinking only water cos even the thought of drinking disgusts me.