Mar 25, 2008

Going, going, gone

I know I am lonely, so bloody lonely these days. Especially when roomie went home and that one weekend when S didn’t turn up for whatever reason and even if I had something to do each night I still felt the way I did. I am much much better now. I don’t get up in the morning with a yuck feeling coming right from the pit of my stomach. I don’t wait expectantly every time the phone rings. I don’t feel dejected when I open my mail box and there isn’t any mail inviting me for a job interview. I have accepted the inevitable. No this isn’t some rocky phase in my life. It has been way worse before I think. I don’t know what this is at all for that matter. Seems like everything has come to a standstill. It doesn’t move on. It just doesn’t move on. I keep waiting for something to change, something to gimme an inkling of what future has in store for me but to no avail. I am surrounded with people thankfully but then why do I feel lonely still. These aren’t strangers. These are people I have been living with for a year and people who have known me for almost 7 years now. Some of them have seen me grow up and stood by me through one of the worst phases in my life, when I thought I couldn’t go on , when I hit rock bottom and when everything fell apart. This is different now. I am older now so handle things better. I goof up once in a while but manage getting out almost unscathed. At least I hope I do. I don’t appear to be as morose as I use to but hell I think I am way more indifferent now. I am colder and sometimes I feel I am insensitive to people who don’t wanna do something in their life. Not that I have been some go getter forever but how can people just sit around not doing anything about being stuck in a rut but just cribbing. Think I did that myself until I woke up the other day realising how big a fool I have been and tis time to move on from this plastic bubble. It is never gonna be how I want it to be. I am sick of being confused about what to do and how to go about it. So I am just gonna choose one path and follow that blindly or else I swear I am gonna be stuck right at the beginning of this rat race wondering how is my life gonna shape up to be.
I wish this was easy. I wish this was some something that had been planned from before. I wish I didn’t want everything at one go. I wish I had clear vision of how this will turn out to be eventually. I wish there weren’t any temptations to distract me. I wish I didn’t have as many vices that I do. I wish I could leave all of this and go away and not look back even once with any regret. I wish I didn’t have any “what ifs” in my mind. I wish I was all happy happy and did not feel the way I do. I am so glad that in some ways someone sitting thousands of miles away has started making a difference to me. I hope I make a difference too. I hope I make it. I’ve dreamt for so long, I have gotten lost for too long too. Confusion seems to be overpowering everything else. But there will be a way out, there will be light. They say its the big picture that shall finally prevail. Why the hell cannot I see the big picture now? Why can’t these higgledy piggledy pieces of jigsaw puzzle fit in perfectly into one complete beautiful picture? Why can’t I plan this out with someone who is gonna walk by my side? I don’t wake up anymore with questions in my mind where someone is concerned. I don’t care any more. There ain’t gonna be any answers ever. I don’t wanna know whats going on in your head, really I don’t. Its empty and barren up there. It was all in my mind. I made it all up. Darn I know I did. My goals seem nearer now though impossible. I never again wanna settle for something that is lesser than what I can be. I don’t even know where I am going, but hell I think I am finally gonna be on my way......
“What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? Iit's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”
Jack Kerouac

Mar 3, 2008

Will you miss me when I'm looking for myself out there?

I am writing after almost a month. Doesn’t seem like it though. Seems only yesterday I had the waffle craving and damn a month actually flashed past by. What have I been up to? Hmmmmm looking for jobs desperately at times and sometimes when I give it all up and put my hands up in exasperation. I don’t know when it is gonna work out. They say it’ll happen when I least expect it. But isn’t it so hard to stop expecting? Really it is. I try to keep my expectations really really low but somehow they find their way back into my head and take over and voila’ before long they rule. They actually do.
Life has been bloody strange lately. I try and adopt a particular philosophy so as to maintain my peace and calm but alas I fail miserably and also surprise myself. I have been running away, running away from certain people in my life cos I don’t wanna face the barrage of questions. I have enough on my mind lately and I get into these crazy moods when I am all out to mess everything up and just walk away. But thankfully sanity prevails and I realise no that is no way to react. There is a right way. Sometimes the right way is the only way or you just turn your back and choose never to look at that path again.
Really if I do get that job and go away for good will it make a difference to the people in my life, people I am close to, people who mean the world to me, to whom I probably mean a bit of the world they exist in. There are times when I wonder whose name would Rad scream the first thing in the morning that she does as soon as she wakes up or whom would the Ice Queen give missed calls to just to gossip in the middle of her MBA classes or whom would She meet for coffee in the evening and rant about the love for her Boy or whom would Mona call just randomly every Sunday saying I am dropping over. And S? Would it make any difference if he didn’t have his buddy around on weekends to go out drinking and head banging, or just watch random movies or doing absolutely nothing at all together but lazing around and who’d make cold coffee for him in the mornings or just be there for him when he needs someone to talk to any time of the day? Who would he take care of when I am not around, who'd sing silly songs with him in the car for hours together? whom would he call 5 times a day? There ain’t gonna be no answers and well nobody is indispensable.
I know I’d miss them so so much. I’d miss each one of them in different ways. But I have to find myself and I do want that journey to begin soon.
“The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!”