Dec 31, 2008
I am free of all prejudice and no I do not hate everyone equally. I let go of it all the anger, the rage, the feeling of helplessness and even the guilt. Tis gone amost miraculously. Yeayyyyyyy! A very Happy New Year people. We have surely come a long way from sitting with the autowallahs in the autostand and wailing about my lost file this day last year to today when I am sitting in office waiting for the damned watchman to come so that my colleaugue and I can leave. Byeeeeeee guys!
Dec 29, 2008
I haven’t written one of my customary long rambling posts for sometime now. Well change after change and I have been trying hard to stay afloat. Being stupid and impulsive also hasn’t helped the cause. As this year comes to an end I heave a sigh of relief. This is one year I am only too happy to say Good Bye to. I have even stopped visiting all your blogs and my sincere apologies for that. I cannot possibly put everything forward or even pour all my heart out cos in some ways this blog has become too public.
I have learnt lessons galore in this past year. I don’t even know where to begin. First and the biggest one would be about managing my finances better and not getting carried away with people who are financially irresponsible. I am still reeling under the pressure of paying debts off and believe me it doesn’t say much about your money management abilities and at 25 one is supposed to be a little more worldly wise than me.
Secondly I learnt that letting people walk over you and being silent about it doesn’t help anybody’s cause. You are left with nothing but utter frustration of unspoken and unvoiced grievances. They say one should always be honest about having unspoken feelings about love well I’ll say sometimes when you are livid for justifiable reasons you should take the ire out. I have even borne the brunt of it in the very recent past when I heard a lot of things I did not want to hear but I am glad they said what they said, I am glad they didn’t sugar coat their words.
I also learnt that we have to pay a price for all the misdoings and every wrong decision made and you don’t ever get away with anything cos your past surely catches up on you. I am struggling with my new job today cos think I had it rather easy the last time and maybe I took advantage of it and thus the present scenario wherein I cry every second day cos they have no belief in my abilities.
I learnt that changing cities was a blessing in disguise and the smartest decision I took in the longest time even if I crib and whine round the clock. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I learnt that even if something feels right from inside it can be all wrong for you and the mistaken things can sometimes turn out to be perfectly fine.
I learnt that I should clearly be listening to the little voice in my head and paying no heed to it was disastrous.
I learnt that being the victim is way easier than being the wrong doer and making peace with myself is of supreme importance.
I learnt that strangely I can go on long after I thought I couldn’t.
Dec 26, 2008
The first song that comes to my mind is from the very recent past is from this wedding I just came back from. I could not resist blogging about it. Sigh!
I see RedHead on her wedding day being held aloft by her brothers while Nik tries to garland her and her brothers keep holding her higher and higher until Nik calls for his loyal band of followers and they hold him aloft too and they finally garland each other.
I see RedHead being made to stand in the middle as the entire coterie of family and friends dance all around her on “Desi Girl” pointing there fingers towards her and singing along “Whose the hottest girl in the world?” I remember the coy smile on her face and the laughter in her eyes even if I was a tad bit inebriated.
I recollect the exact moment when Nik came on stage and finally shook his leg on “Mehndi Laga Key Rakhna” and the expression in the bride’s eyes as she looked on in wonderment.
I see all of us getting flustered with our bad hair evenings and trying to perfect the art of making our faces up hahah!
I remember us friends being totally in awe of the show put on by the boy’s side on the Sangeet day thinking how the hell are we gonna perform with so many eyes upon us.
I remember the mauves, the greens, the pinks and the purples but the one colour that stands out the most is the rich and vibrant red.
I remember the tinkle of the glasses, the sound of laughter, the stolen cigarettes, the wine, the starry winter sky, the hushed whispers.
I see the bride’s sisters in law and her friends practice dancing on “Jaane kyun” and “Haule Haule” and trying to invent steps at the n’th hour.
I see RedHead bedecked in mehndi and the dark colour of the henna on everybody’s hands but mine cos I neva took leave saying I am gonna be attending a Big Fat Punjabbi Wedding of one of my closest friends.
I see the family rallying around their oh-so-precious RedHead making sure that this was a wedding to remember for years to come.
I see tears of happiness and blessings for the future as the bride and groom left.
I felt listless and empty thinking darn the wedding is over and we shall be going back to our ordinary lives.
I looked back on the first time they met years back as I saw both of them making eyes at one another.
I see them together today and realize that yeah sometimes one does have the happiest ending.
Dec 23, 2008
So I ain't going through a great time right now and I am gonna be off blogging until things settle down in my head and in my life. Na na no crisis situation but I need to make peace with some stuff thats all. Went for the loveliest wedding and a prettier bride there never was. You know those times in life when everything keeps going wrong one after the other and one does the stupidest of things and makes the wrong decisions. So thats what happening so I need to lie low, sit back and let things to ease up. And I have a message for some very precious people who read this and I just wanna say that there is more to me and I know you guys have every right to judge me. You mean the world to me and I'll miss ya but no emotional nonsense over here. You have lost respect for me and I respect your decision. I am trying to make peace in my head and believe you me I don't think highly of myself right now. So we do a detour and bye for now. But I'll be back cos times will change,so will life, people will change too and most importantly some part of me will change.
Dec 15, 2008
And we hit rick bottom the harder we try. All the happiness is sucked out. We cry and cry and cry. We haven't cried this much for years now. Friends have come and gone, fights and misunderstandings flit pass by, we have lost files and found them too, fallen in love and fallen out of it, shifted cities, jobs, lives and not once but time and time again, lost faith and found it back almost miraculously and more than anything we have lived through it all. Then why does this feel like the end of the world?I wanna be happy. I wanna get up each morning knowing that it is gonna be a good day and that I won't question my abilities some million times a day. I seem to be loosing belief in my own abilities and today I even asked my Mum if I was that bad a lawyer. I hateeeeee that, hate it from the deepest core of my heart. So i take a pledge that hell I am gonna make it, come anything. I am gonna play by your rules and be bloody good at it. I might stumble and fall but I am gonna get up again and try once more till I master it and I promise this to myself. I am not gonna be this crying, wimpering wuss whose eyes get filled up with tears at one harsh word. Times will change and someday we shall look back and laugh at this day and know that yes we made it through this and we can make it through anything.
Dec 2, 2008
Today is one of the first days when work isn’t that hectic. I have some time to myself. I am supposed to be researching on the procedural issues on forming a company in godforsaken Armenia but I thought I’d blog cos I haven’t done so in a while except for my brief and morose post last week. Looking at my last couple of posts I don’t seem to be in a cheerful frame of mine. Sigh! Guess just one of those phases in life and for once it has nothing to do with the opposite sex heheh! What a relief? Maybe we are finally growing up in life, maybe we are actually learning to put past experiences to use. Or I don’t know maybe its because I was sick of feeling bad about myself and what was, what could have been and ranting and raving about the same thingie to my friends and trying to make myself believe something that never was.
The week that has passed by was tragic and we are still trying to come to terms to what happened in Bombay and the impact it’ll have on our country. I so hope that for once we learn, I so hope we don’t move on without a thought. I hope we aren’t indifferent like we have been in the past. We seem to forget so easily and this time we should not. This should be etched in our minds. We were glued on to the updates on the net in office and it was endless. An English team of lawyers who were at our office for a lunch meeting last Monday for a deal we are working together on got stuck in Taj on the fateful day. The poor old dears lasted 36 hours in that man made hell before the commandos rescued them. We heard the statement they made to BBC and my Boss had tears in his eyes as they described the pitiable state of the people in there and the helplessness that dominated every other feeling.
My life is relatively unexciting now from what it use to be. We have surely come a long long way. I know all of us do but the contrast just seems to be too stark. No more going over the top, no more extreme emotions, no more being choked with unspoken feelings, no more suppressed anger, no more sleep deprived existence. Also I don’t seem to be having too many interactions with new people. I don’t have time and all of us lead different lives. I know its never gonna be like before and tis silly to think it can be. But I had wanted a balanced life. I wish Fino was closer and I could just call her up and say “hey lets go for a drink”. This Friday I so wanted to go to some place where they play nice music and to just sit and head bang and sip my Bloody Mary.
I didn’t want this to be a “I so miss Delhi” post cos I don’t wanna go back to a lot of things and the way it was. But I miss having distractions in my life hahaha! Am I actually saying that? I remember sitting in the High Court canteen early in the morning after a particularly eventful house party that went on a tad bit too late and ended with me howling and running out of the car as the person called me and I refused to listen. I remember crying and crying in my drunken state and Batty Woman and Raddy trying to pacify me but to no avail as I looked at my crying reflection in the mirror and cried some more. I didn’t even know exactly what I was crying about. I am amazed at how I was able to make it to the court next morning hahaha!
I do like this me, this new me that is evolving out of the old one that has been left behind. I am more worldly wise now, I won’t get hurt half as easily now or rather I’ll not let myself get hurt. I am not gonna be walked upon and paid no heed to. I refuse to play second fiddle. But a teeny meeny part of me misses the recklessness and yes sometimes I do miss the insanity that was me.