Dec 31, 2007

I woke up this morning.....

Last day of the year and I couldn’t have had a more harrowing day. The last couple of days have been like some bumpy ride. I don’t even know why my eyes fill up with tears so very easily. Anyways guess what the icing on the cake is this momentous day? Well I left this really important file in a rick on Saturday and I haven’t been able to trace the guy as yet and now my job is in jeopardy. I can’t believe this is actually happening to me. All morning I have been at the auto stand outside my office trying to figure out who the guy was who dropped me off the N Block market on Saturday and in the process I am like firm friends with all the auto wallahs and I have to say that some of them are soooooo helpful. God bless them but I so want that file. Seems my life has been split into two parts, the life that was before I lost the file and the life that is threatening to take shape after I lost the file. I don’t know what to do. I am tired of crying, I am tired of sitting outside and talking on the phone to Shivi and my Mum. I am so tired of not being at my seat and the funny glances my boss keeps giving he. He knows I am acting strange but won’t say so. I don’t know how to tell him that the file is gone. I might have to give in my resignation letter a couple of days later and the aftermath of all this isn’t a pretty picture. I am sooooo scared. I don’t know why everything has to come tumbling down all at once. I don’t wanna crib, I don’t wanna sound like some drama queen.
Plus to top it all people I had forgotten make an appearance in my life. People who don’t matter at all. I have had the most random people calling me up last couple of days but the one person whose call I am waiting for hasn’t called. The one person who matters the most is clueless about this upheaval I am going through. I am stubborn too. I don’t like fair weather friends.I removed that lovely Christmassy Picture of ours from my desktop. We look so happyyyyy! I wonder what lesson god is trying to teach me this time. I was trying to comprehend what exactly is gonna come out of me loosing my job in such an ugly fashion. I mean really this is no way to exit. I know I don’t like my job, I know right now my finances are so so screwed that if I worry too much about it I’ll get into depression. But hell I don’t deserve this. Okie I think I have increasingly begun to sound like some cantankerous old maid. But no I am not like that. I am a lot of fun and naughtiness too. Last night I’d gone to a friends place for drinks. I hadn’t wanted to go initially cos the last time we’d met I was quite rude to him but gentleman that T is he invited me over. I have mentioned T in an old old post. He is Mister Hazel Eyes in my story titled The Mask.But yeah facts get blurred with fiction so don't know where I drew the line.We met the first time when P was leaving for UK and we’ve been friends since. T in someways is quite different from the guys I know. He is bloody well read, knows his history like the back of his hands, corrects my pronunciations, uses really interesting words and phrases like “et tu Brutus” and listens to me when I discuss poetry with him.

They don’t make too many men like this anymore hahaha! So there I was at his place with a bunch of people I don’t know and yeah all of them were from Mayo College. A was in town and I knew A in college and A and T were best friends in school so thats why the get together. I surprisingly had a nice time. I drank 3 glasses of white wine( Grover’s Vineyard) and it was way better than the Sula and Riviera I’d have. I met interesting people from colourful backgrounds. Met a lad who has just joined the same battalion my Dad was in and I was so gleeful when he said 3/8 GR. Had a conversation with this cute man who studied art history in Scotland. He was an army brat too. Bumped into an old friend and bonded over Pune times and T was kinda sweet and so hospitable. By the end of the evening I was happy high and all the women had left and I was the only one left. T was very affectionate despite me giving him the cold shoulder the last time we met. Yeah he had been so cheeky the last couple of times on G talk though. T would come hug me and kiss me on my head every now and then and I think I liked that. Damn how crazy am I! I was the last one to get dropped after we dropped young army boy to Dhaula Kuan and I insisted on Romeo and Juliet being played over and over again in the car while we got lost and drove aimlessly around while I had amusing conversations with T about how Radhi thinks he is too nice and why he never takes advantage of drunk women and why he thinks biting his ears ain’t that bad an idea.
I got up in the morning and the first thing on my mind was the file and yeah my mind cannot help think once in a while about T but then no I shall not do so. Oh god I hope I get that file. Damn I don’t wanna go anywhere tonite especially farmhouse parties. I am sure I shall freeze. Byeeee people. Thanks for bearing with this whimsical blogger who tries to make sense out of all the nonsense.See you on the other side of 2008 ! Happy Happy New Year!

Dec 25, 2007

Things I'll Never Say

I wonder how I'd think of us. I see us in everything even if tis been just a fraction of a liftime . Stooooopiidddd me,silly you, foolish us. Everytime they'd play our song be it "Dream On" or "That Thing You Do" the first glance would always be at you. Naaa I was wrong when I said I don't believe in fairytales, I do believe in them but I am scared of the endings, bloody scared of them. I believe in serendipity too but I don't seem to want to trust destiny. No I do not want to sound like some female chick lit writer hehehe! These days I think I am sounding like one increasingly. But seriously I do not want to be some cynical pessimistic woman who doesn't believe in magic. Wish I could be the happy me all the time. I'd love to capture it all in a plastic bubble and stay in it forever. Shielded from the world,oblivious to all the pain. Thats Utopia isn't it? I am too dreamy. These desires and castles in the air will someday bring the end of me hehehe!

Okie I am in Chennai now on a holiday with Mum, sis, uncle, aunt and cousin and it hasn't been as much fun as I thought it would be cos my cousin had to fall sick just the day after he landed from the US. Apparently the change in temperature hit him too badly. Well I would understand the difference between -25 and +25 degree celsius. So all I seem to be doing is listening to music, surfing the net and sneaking up to the terrace and smoking and yeah Mum has no idea and I do feel guilty but hell I have my own vices. They have this huge terrace and you could climb higher by getting up on the roof and last night I was having a smoke and happend to look at the moon and it was breathtaking, full moon and the moonlight was indeed playing tricks in my mind. The world surely seems enchanted in moonlight. I have too many memories of this terrace and the moon. I didn't wanna think of the past and how it had been, how it all crumbled down. I came back to my room. I don't give myself that luxury anymore. I try not to. Very hard to keep so much at bay. How do I trust people again? The closest people turn their back to you. I hate my gut feelings sometimes. I pray to god then asking him to take these nasty feelings from the middle of my stomach away.

Wished Libby Merry Christmas today. I miss her so much sometimes. Been hanging aound with Shivi and tis lovely. Keep reminscing the old times, our crazy Pondy Trip. Two of us went all the way to Pondicherry in a rickety old bus, just to chill and have fun all by ourselves. I remember drinking in those quaint french restaurants and walking down the road by the narrow beach, the white sands and the blue blue sea, brilliant shades of blue, turquoise and azure. Almost felt like a hippie after a long time. Sigh! The drudgery of routine life. Gotta get back again, yet again only to escape again.....

"Guess I am wishing my life away
Saying these things I'll never say"

Dec 17, 2007

Life or something like it.......

Is 24 really really old people? Mum makes me feel so sometimes. I mean why are we in hurry to marry me off. This has been the on going debate in my life with Mum and Dad these days. For christ’s sake I don’t wanna get married right now. I don’t even feel 24 to be honest about it. Sometimes when I am irritated I feel like a whiny 13 year old, when I am in a naughty mood me feels 8 again, when I feel the love filling me up I am all of 16 and most of the time I am almost 18 and there are instances or moments rather periods when I know I am way older than a lot of people around me. So how could you explain that? Why does marriage have to so high in my parents priority list. No I definitely do not wanna die an old maid, I mean come on who does? All those women who say so and pass statements like “Please I love my singledom and I don’t need anybody” are well living in denial and no I am not one of them. Yeah I do love living alone, been doing it for so long that this right now seems to be the only way of living. But that doesn’t mean I don’t crave for that companion, that friend, philosopher and guide. Okie these words sound too profound maybe. Actually I just want a friend and no I don’t think he’d be on or Really strange how I keep hearing news about somebody or the other getting hitched day after day and I am like another one bites the dust. Then I bump into people on the social networking sites and they have all these happy pictures put up and you wonder “damn so does happily ever after actually exist?”. What happens after all these happy happy pictures are taken? What happens after you actually walk into the sunset with your prince? What if there isn’t a prince waiting for you somewhere? For people like me as each day progresses and we go about our lives living happily and moping around once in a while about being alone marriage is a scary word. I mean you know you want it eventually but not right now. I cannot imagine being saddled along with someone just for the sake of it. I am not anti marriage, I am not anti arranged marriages too. Some of the happiest couples I see didn’t know each other until mommy and daddy decided to take matters in their hands.

But hell I haven’t accepted the fact that I won’t meet someone the way I’d love to in this pathway of life. But realization does strike me sometimes that guess its not always like the movies. I guess sometime I would have to settle for the inevitable arranged marriage but now even the thought of meeting someone my parents ask me to gives me the creeps. They’d get some highly educated geek, with a thousand degrees and I would have to judge him based on a few meetings. If not few meetings then phone calls and chatting. It is like some deal which we enter into knowing fully well what the pros and cons can be. On second thoughts isn’t everything a deal? When I was younger and foolish I nursed these notions on how my dream guy should be. I wanted him to be well read, look kinda nice, intellectual till a certain extent and darn the list could go on and on. But in today’s day and age my notions have changed drastically. I just wanna be with someone who I could be the bestest friends with. Yup if you cannot be my best friend then hell I can’t be with you. Ofcourse he should be doing well for himself and decent family background and yadda yadda yadda! Isn’t that understood? Obviously I gave 5 very long years of my to that degree and I wanna study more. I wouldn’t be able to connect with just any village idiot. This one time I was so fixated with this amazing man who someways made me want more out of life, he was such a go getter, still is, dreams so big. I didn’t know him for too long, just a very short period of time in my life but I loved his drive, the tenacity that he is the best and is gonna get exactly where he wants to in life. He is still the same but in another world. But that was just a passing fancy I think or I just made myself believe something that wasn’t there. Today its different I guess. Never thought I’d say this but think we end up connecting with the last people we ever thought we would. Life is such an irony and with every single day I realize it a little more. The twists and turns astound me. I never know what is in store. Sometimes drunken prayers come true. Damn they do and you don’t know what hit you. Sometimes living in denial is the only way to live cos reality scares the living daylights out of you. Sometimes we should count our blessings and the loving people around you cos that’s the only thing which keeps me going. Sometimes the goofiest of people come out with the most classic retorts and you are left with your mouth wide open. I know I am not making too much sense. But then I seldom seem to make sense on my blog. And sometimes you get more than you thought you would and you are left with a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Like a B-52 shot. Hahaha!

Mum keeps telling me how there must be somebody so perfect for me somewhere and maybe he is on shaadi or and yeah right I should be the President of United States. No Mum there ain’t anybody perfect out there. I don’t believe in fairytales anymore, I don’t believe in soul mates too. I don’t believe in serendipity. I don’t even know much about happily ever afters and all the cliché Mum. I just don’t and no I am not a love sick looney Mum. Think you know me more than that. I know I pine for something that seems to be impossible right now and I feel sad that I cannot talk about it to you. For the first time in my life I cannot and it hurts. I wonder if you can sense it in my voice. Weren’t you my bestest and oldest friend? Then why would ya want me to compromise. Its never about perfection. Nothing is perfect ever Mum, not the sunshine, not the the raindrops, or the falling autumn leaves, not the snowflakes or even a beautiful sunny day. Sometimes it feels so right but is soooooo wrong and maybe some of us are just meant to love the wrong people and die.

Dec 6, 2007

A windmill that my mind seems to be....

Well I haven't put up a new post for more than 10 days now and I just realised that I haven't been writing anyone of my random stories for a little while now. I wonder how one time I could churn out one story after another and now I just cannot stop raving and ranting about the happenings in my life. Am I loosing the ability to create, imagine and spin my tales? Not that I was some out of the ordinary story teller and to be frank most of the pieces I had written were a reflection of my life, passing times, the wonderful and not so wonderful people I have had the good fortune or bad fortune to bump into and have in my life. In retrospect certain people I choose to write about have no idea that they had been written about or are being written about. I remember this conversation with Daddy Long Legs once on the phone when he’d said almost wistfully “Who would ever blog about me?” I chuckled and said “You never know.” I think he finally did read my blog but wouldn’t have read my old old posts to comprehend that I had actually written one whole silly almost poem on him.
What I marvel at the most is passing times and the changing abilities of people to affect you so much, affect every part of your life and “wooohooooooooo” swish of a wand and “abracadabra” and it has all changed, a different season, different times and I look back all dazed with wonderment asking myself did that ever happen, was that me, the me that is today, same old me. It is like I keep moving on and on and on and some people I always hold on to cos they are my anchors and I meet some beautiful people on the way that have driven home the belief that you are never too old to make new friends, to connect at unimaginable levels. It is bizarre really but aren’t we glad for surprises like this. I love surprises, blissful ones when I am taken unawares, when the last thing on your mind takes shape out of nowhere. Seems like God up there insists on astonishing me every once in a while, every time I give up hope, every time I am down and out and noooooo it is never gonna be perfect ever. I won’t have that perfect job the kind I’d be content doing every single day of my life too soon, or find the one love, the kinds I’ve been pining and craving for, tomorrow or have that perfectly sculpted body I have envied in other women, at the blink of an eyelid. It is gonna be a quest, has been a quest. I stumble, make silly mistakes, get blasted at work, become disillusioned, hate the world, hate everybody who has a job they love. I sometimes so hate happy couples and I am fascinated by what keeps them together, I cry, I whine, I drink too much and get oh so very sentimental, cry some more and get up miserable and guilty in the morning. I hate my body too on occasions, hate the sight of it in the mirror, feel my butt looks too big, I eat one piece of chocolate or 2 spoons of rice and get nightmares about becoming almost fat again. I pray to god then to give me some sanity and not be the emotional and nervous wreck I become sometimes.

So I get up in the mornings and tell myself no I am gonna give 100% to my job even if I hate it so what. I am not a shirker or a coward, if I have to learn the hard way then be it. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel right! When I feel despondent about S that teeny meeny little fairy inside me , the one who shows her face rarely whispers in my ears asking me to let him be and that what has to be will be and to cherish what he and I share now and dude believe me on days like this when I am content with wherever he and I are going are the days he calls up early in the morning just to say hi and laugh about the most ridiculous things with me. I went back to the gym the other day after 2 months. I had been jogging in this interim period and was dreading the prospect of checking out the weighing scales what my instructor would have to tell me. Hmmmmmm I have lost weight despite the random drinking binges. I was almost gleeful when I stepped on to the weighing scales. Yeayyyyyyyyyy! Maybe life isn’t as bad I make it out to be , maybe there is some magic at play somewhere . I’ll stumble and fall but get up again and hell I am learning, yes I am learning…….