Dec 6, 2007
A windmill that my mind seems to be....
Well I haven't put up a new post for more than 10 days now and I just realised that I haven't been writing anyone of my random stories for a little while now. I wonder how one time I could churn out one story after another and now I just cannot stop raving and ranting about the happenings in my life. Am I loosing the ability to create, imagine and spin my tales? Not that I was some out of the ordinary story teller and to be frank most of the pieces I had written were a reflection of my life, passing times, the wonderful and not so wonderful people I have had the good fortune or bad fortune to bump into and have in my life. In retrospect certain people I choose to write about have no idea that they had been written about or are being written about. I remember this conversation with Daddy Long Legs once on the phone when he’d said almost wistfully “Who would ever blog about me?” I chuckled and said “You never know.” I think he finally did read my blog but wouldn’t have read my old old posts to comprehend that I had actually written one whole silly almost poem on him.
What I marvel at the most is passing times and the changing abilities of people to affect you so much, affect every part of your life and “wooohooooooooo” swish of a wand and “abracadabra” and it has all changed, a different season, different times and I look back all dazed with wonderment asking myself did that ever happen, was that me, the me that is today, same old me. It is like I keep moving on and on and on and some people I always hold on to cos they are my anchors and I meet some beautiful people on the way that have driven home the belief that you are never too old to make new friends, to connect at unimaginable levels. It is bizarre really but aren’t we glad for surprises like this. I love surprises, blissful ones when I am taken unawares, when the last thing on your mind takes shape out of nowhere. Seems like God up there insists on astonishing me every once in a while, every time I give up hope, every time I am down and out and noooooo it is never gonna be perfect ever. I won’t have that perfect job the kind I’d be content doing every single day of my life too soon, or find the one love, the kinds I’ve been pining and craving for, tomorrow or have that perfectly sculpted body I have envied in other women, at the blink of an eyelid. It is gonna be a quest, has been a quest. I stumble, make silly mistakes, get blasted at work, become disillusioned, hate the world, hate everybody who has a job they love. I sometimes so hate happy couples and I am fascinated by what keeps them together, I cry, I whine, I drink too much and get oh so very sentimental, cry some more and get up miserable and guilty in the morning. I hate my body too on occasions, hate the sight of it in the mirror, feel my butt looks too big, I eat one piece of chocolate or 2 spoons of rice and get nightmares about becoming almost fat again. I pray to god then to give me some sanity and not be the emotional and nervous wreck I become sometimes.
So I get up in the mornings and tell myself no I am gonna give 100% to my job even if I hate it so what. I am not a shirker or a coward, if I have to learn the hard way then be it. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel right! When I feel despondent about S that teeny meeny little fairy inside me , the one who shows her face rarely whispers in my ears asking me to let him be and that what has to be will be and to cherish what he and I share now and dude believe me on days like this when I am content with wherever he and I are going are the days he calls up early in the morning just to say hi and laugh about the most ridiculous things with me. I went back to the gym the other day after 2 months. I had been jogging in this interim period and was dreading the prospect of checking out the weighing scales what my instructor would have to tell me. Hmmmmmm I have lost weight despite the random drinking binges. I was almost gleeful when I stepped on to the weighing scales. Yeayyyyyyyyyy! Maybe life isn’t as bad I make it out to be , maybe there is some magic at play somewhere . I’ll stumble and fall but get up again and hell I am learning, yes I am learning…….