Sep 21, 2009

Just get back up when it knocks you down

Utopia hasn’t been a good girl lately. I mean na not the archetypal bad girl she can be but considering the fact that she has become quite saintly compared to what she was in the past her recent behavior is unbecoming of her newly set standards of sainthood. Actually Utopia knows that she is typing utter rubbish at 8:30 in the morning while her Mum screams at her for being the lazy bum that she is increasingly becoming. Utopia and her Mum are supposed to be cleaning Dad’s closet out and they are dreading the entire experience. But happier things first like they are taking a break for the first time this year and really looking forward to it. Mum is definitely looking forward to it but Utopia is quite apprehensive. If Utopia ever gets around to writing down the peculiar self made situations she gets herself into then that shall be quite the story even if the ending might quite not be the way she wanted it to be.
Okie enough of writing in third person and yes I am on a break from today. Yeayyyyyy! I get to meet Batty finally after 3 months and I get to go back and pick up my precious books and chill out with Meggy and Saggy besides my silly younger sister who is gearing up to empty my pockets. I’ve gotten into this habit of hanging around alone cos my only friend in this city Miss Lemony Pie is on a month long sabbatical to Canada. We bid each other a rather tearful goodbye wondering how am I gonna be surviving for one whole month without talking to her 8 times a day since my other lifeline is in Finland ( Hence should not call that often. But I still do mind you. Heheh! ) and Batty has vanished into the backwaters of Goa until I reminded her that God has planned it out almost perfectly as Batty returns to civilization the same time as Miss Lemony Pie leaves the country.
I happen to be haunting Someplace Else almost every evening having a drink all alone and smoking a couple of cigarettes in the dingy black smoking room. Hmmmm do you think its strange? Its not cos I love being alone but just that I’d rather have no company unless its my kinda company. Maybe that’ll change too with time but right now “The Solitary Utopia” is what I have become. I spoke to the Economist last night and every time I speak to him or Batty and Fino I realize damn I miss them oodles and oodles and I wish we were in the same city. Hitting rock bottom wouldn’t seem half as bad as it seems today cos these guys ain’t around. Actually its when you are all alone on a Saturday night doing nothing but sitting all by yourself smoking a cigarette, listening to music on your headphones and watching the world pass by making plans, meeting their friends and family while you finish your drink and head home to an empty house, that is when you miss all the people that were, that use to be and still are but aren’t there for some reason or the other.
I keep looking for my people everywhere I go and somehow as I am getting older it seems more difficult making friends, finding that camaraderie that came so effortlessly when we were younger. Yeah guess it is also cos I have seen happier days that I keep comparing yesterday to today. Today pales in comparison to all the days before. So last night I started reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” . It was a gift from Nish Mish on my Bud Day and I’d instructed her to pick it up for me as I had been wondering what the hell is Julia Roberts ranting and raving about. Apparently this is the book she has been gifting all her girl friends and now she is even starring in the motion picture of the same name. It starts off with the protagonist having a dialogue with God at 3 in the morning and asking him what to do as she doesn’t know how to get out of the present circumstances. She asks him for answers and all she hears is a voice from inside that says just go sleep and it’ll be alright. You’ll get the answers when you have to. So do we get the answers ever? What if we get the wrong answers? What if we keep looking for signs and the signs ain’t convincing enough and we still walk headlong into that wall knowing well that we are gonna crumble into pieces yet again. Do we you get back up when it knocks you down?

"Sometimes when it comes around and it knocks you down.
Just get back up when it knocks you down...."

Sep 11, 2009

Let go...

When I set out to meet Pinocchio last evening I had no idea that a couple of hours spent with an old old friend would be the answer to my self made agony the last couple of months. I had been bottling it all up since December. I had become a control freak and I refuse to let alcohol get the better of me cos of my past shenanigans. And of course life hasn’t made it any easier and I was always scared that if I get drunk it’ll all come out, all of it and I don’t want it to come out with complete strangers and my own people are scattered in different places. I actually could not remember the last time I got drunk and let my hair down and acted stupid. This year I haven’t had the luxury to let my hair down and let it go. I wanted to let it go, all of it but found it so difficult and I was loosing myself completely cos this sorrow was consuming almost everything good. I’d cry myself to office each day in the morning and I wouldn’t even know why my eyes filled with tears when apparently it should be over by now. I am supposed to be coping with this better than this. I did a bloody good job of putting on a brave front initially but after it was all over and the friends came and went and I was left to deal with it alone minus anything to look forward to I failed miserably to the point that my Mum had to sit down and speak to me telling me that I shouldn’t think that I am stuck over here and I can leave when I want to if I am not happy. I wasn’t happy. I was just plain miserable and God knows that I did try finding ways to distract myself until that one happy distraction became an obsession and it started hurting so bad. Of course I refused to let go. I wouldn’t let go and I wouldn’t budge an inch. I wanted it my way and sometimes its not your way, most times it isn’t your way and to accept what I had, for what its worth is taking time. But now I think I have started to accept the good. Yeah it has been really really difficult accepting the good cos you keep questioning it time and time again and I am petrified I’ll loose whatever I have now including my Mum, Sis, my job, my friends just like I lost my Dad and the life that was. We have this today and I am here now and I make the best of this cos living in my own make believe world isn’t as much of a respite and living in denial doesn’t help. Last night after my five large vodkas and a lot of quarreling with Pinocchio at the shady Oly Pub as I sat in the cab I made that fateful drunken dial to, hold your breath, we don’t call up ex-boyfriends or lovers on a drunk dial, we call up best friends in Helsinki hahah! Yeah I called up Fino and I babbled utter rubbish for half an hour. I know I have been bothering you too much these days for whatever reasons but at that time I didn’t think of anyone but you I wanted to talk to. Of course the call being interrupted also helped. Yeayyyy! I am so glad that at least someone proves me wrong time and time again. I know I have to let it be, all of it and hope that it turns out fine. I don’t know how and when I am gonna get out of here but I do know I shall someday when it is a different time and day.