Oct 29, 2007
It was a masquerade party and the masks had to be bought. She wasn’t as excited she had been planning the party a week back. Life wasn’t as bright it had been a month ago. Was it a month really, just a month that she met him and now it was all over? But then was there a beginning ever or was she imagining it all? When they asked him how long had he known her he’d be surprised himself when he answered saying “a few weeks”. It did not feel like that, not at all. Sometimes he felt he had known her forever. Funny but they hadn’t exchanged more than a greeting all those years when they lead parallel lives so close to each other.
She had been taken aback when he had asked her to meet up for drinks on a Wednesday night but she went and came back all happy and giggly courtesy the three Bloody Mary’s . They hadn’t spoken as much but had just sat next to each other listening to the music in the pub and laughing every now and then. He’d clicked innumerable pictures that day of the both of them as they tried really hard to appear sober but failing miserably as their droopy eyes gave them away. She felt as if he couldn’t have enough of her as she tried really hard to fight those unwanted feelings away. He was taken, a long long time back. She met him too late and now he was Mira’s. Darn lucky woman she thought.
He’d been the one who’d started talking about him self as he spoke about his past, his family, his favourite cousins and even his childhood crushes. Where had he been all these years she thought. Time flew past by when she was with him, they spoke so much that often they wouldn’t be aware of the loud music being played as they exchanged story after story. One day he’d jokingly told her “Think we knew each other before. You are so bloody similar to what I am. “ She ‘d just smile and not say a word. She was happy, she hadn’t been this happy in years.
The most wonderful part about being with him was the laughter, they laughed a lot, both of them, they giggled and smiled, even when on the phone both of them would start their conversation on a fit of giggles and how could she ever forget all the music as they sang themselves hoarse in the car since it didn’t have a music system. It was pure sunshine after a rainy day. However at the back of her mind she always knew that Mira is coming back and that Mira was the closest to his heart. She’d ask god “Then who am I? Why do I feel the way I do?” His past was Mira’s , his future too was Mira’s then where did she fit in? They say live in the present and she did that.
Mira was back and she invited Mira too for the masquerade party. Mira was tiny with an elvish face and amazing zest for life. She loved the way Mira danced and the first time all of them met up after a while she became a silent spectator to the scene unfolding in front of her eyes. She bought masks for both of them that day when she went mask shopping. A pink and green for Mira and a yellow one for him as Mira had instructed her. Yeah how ironical this was a masquerade party and what better than a mask to hide all that she felt. But would these frivolous feathers be enough, what about the eyes, the eyes always gave her away. They filled up with her salty tears with such an ease.
The bell rang as the guests came in one by one, each wore beautiful masks in brilliant colours. He came too with Mira and she opened the door and greeted both of them warmly. “Where is my mask?” He whined like a little child. She handed him his mask. She was already wearing hers. It was a burnt orange one. He put his on as Mira was trying hard to fix hers. Mira looked like a little pixie with her mask as she clung on to him grinning, happiness radiating through her. She walked away, talking to the others, asking them if she could get them a drink, slowly she retrieved to the dark corner in the terrace . A lone tear glistened in her eyes as she looked up at the sky filled with stars. Another mask, the sky wore its gorgeous black velveteen mask sprinkled with stars. Maybe the sky too had much to hide from view of the world just like she did. “What is behind that mask?” somebody whispered softly behind in her ears. She turned around to find a masked stranger. She looked into his eyes, they were hazel in colour. It struck her then that two whole months spent with Neil but she didn’t know the colour of his eyes. She had never dared to look into them and he had never come that close. The fences had always been there, pristine white picket fences but she had chosen to be blind to them. Not anymore. Never again.
“So are you gonna tell me what is behind that mask or maybe I can see right through it.” Said the stranger. She chuckled as she was awaken silently from her reverie. He could see traces of her dimples as they the smile lit up her face , he could make out the cleft and the tiny mole under her lips. She smiled as she ripped the mask of her face .The mask was gone, lost somewhere in the darkness of the night.
Oct 19, 2007
It is so not like me to be putting up more than a post a week but I feel this urge to capture these reflections on life and passing times. Yes last night as we sat in my living room and chatted, reminiscing old days, happy days, the crazy us that used to be, hilarious anecdotes spread generously over five years spent together, for a fraction of a moment I felt like framing this evening and freezing it in time forever and ever. It is lovely to have Fido Dido around. Its lovely to see S and Fido Dido together high fiving on some stupid, amusing joke or just plain listening to their repertoire of stories. Speaking of which I had to, just had to share this small funny episode about S’s tomfoolery. This one time S was escorting a US returned cousin of his around his farm in Jammu. They had just walked into the driveway as a herd of buffaloes crossed the road after their customary evening dip in the pond nearby. Both S and his cousin did not pay much attention to the buffaloes, as S was busy pointing out the landmarks when they came across this water body. S’s cousin got very excited and started jumping around saying “Oh my gosh you guys have a pool too in the farm. Nobody told me. Could I please go for a swim?” S nodded his head well knowing that this wasn’t any swimming pool but just a pond for the animals to laze around in the hot summer evenings and that the buffaloes they had passed by a few moments ago on the road had just spent a merry summer afternoon there in the very same waters. But then the funny bone that S has he let his cousin swim in those filthy waters. I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean where does he hatch all these ideas and if one meets him on a normal day one would feel how prim, proper and well mannered this man is hahaha!
Incidentally I spent two very monotonous hours at the airport yesterday waiting for Fido Dido’s flight to land. I tried calling up people to kill time but they politely said no to me saying they cannot entertain me in the middle of the afternoon. I was loitering around listening to music on the radio and all of a sudden this man started making idle conversation with me. I tried to convey real graciously that I really was in no frame of mind to indulge in such social niceties but he refused to take the hint. I would turn my face away and he would come up with questions like “Yeah the Spice Jet flight from Calcutta is really late. So are you a native of Delhi?” I’d nod and look to the other side. Finally he asks me “ Aap yahan studies karti hain kya? ( Are you are studying over here?) I shook my head. “ Koi company mein kaam karti hain kya?” ( So you working in some company?) All this while I hadn’t bothered looking at his face and replying but this question was the last straw as I turned and looked at him in his eyes saying “Haanji main kaam karti hoon. Wakil hoon.” I saw the astonished look on his face and lo behold he was gone as he darted across the pavilion and disappeared into the crowd. Strange but all I needed to tell him was “Main wakil hoon.” and he knew that I wasn’t that innocent little thing I look like hahaah!
Finally I heaved a sigh of relief as all the 6ft 3 inches of Fido Dido walked out of the arrival lounge with his trolley. Fido Dido and S share the most amazing chemistry that best buddies share after spending half a decade in close contact and they have these famous and utterly idiotic arguments on which school is better as both of them went to boarding schools. S is from Mayo College and Fido Dido is from Doon School and darn it is me stuck in the middle as they try to outdo each other as S calls the Doscos “Gay Pansies” and Fido Dido has his retort ready screaming out aloud saying “ Looser Mayo Fuckers” hahaha! And then there is poor me who hasn’t spent a day of her life in any boarding school. Sigh! Coincidentally my roomie’s friend Gul was down from Calcutta too so last night after all of them came home after work we had a gala time as the alcohol bottles were gotten out after almost a week’s sabbatical. All thanks to Navratra I have been forced to convert into a staunch vegetarian sans’ any onion and garlic because Radhi fasts trying very hard to put on the garb of a religiously inclined person but failing quite miserably and gleefully heheh! I had wine after almost 2 weeks and yes yes I got all tipsy and happy and Fido Dido was a little surprised and he asked S “Does she drink this much? Cos in Pune she wouldn’t.” Now S and I were mere acquaintances in Pune and have started hanging around together only the last two months so as long as he has known me he has known the drunkie me and we call each other drunkie jokingly cos initially we bonded over alcohol before we finally figured that no we actually have a nice time without intoxicants too. S looked back at him saying “Yeah she always drinks an entire bottle of wine and trips on her own.” For christ’s sake those two men make it sound like I lead a life of debauchery hahah! Men I tell you are so judgemental :|. For the record I hate sharing my wine from the deepest core of my heart. I don’t give my wine bottle to no one heheh! Later we went to this new karaoke place called Acquafer in GK2 and sang our hearts out. I was so so happy as having my buddies from college around was an icing on the cake. I sang Ironic after such a long time and thoroughly enjoyed myself as I crooned “ its like meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. Isn’t it ironic?” S and I also sang his all time favourite song “That Thing You Do” . I hadn’t sung it the week before cos S couldn’t make it and I was waiting for him to be around and sing in unison :). T’was such a loweeeelllllllyyyyyy loweeeeellllllyyyyyyy evening with friends, lots of laughter, walks down the memory lanes, music, wine, singing a bit of dancing and yup plans too about the future that seems to have endless possibilties for each one of us :).
Oct 16, 2007
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep
Some of my most loved lines from my favourite poem since I was a child. Always gives me inspiration when I am down and out, when I feel there is nothing to look forward to in life, when I feel I need a reason to smile as I wake up each morning. I tell myself that there is so much more to do, so many places to see, new people to meet and this isn't the end. There shall be a new day, a new way, a new start and it shall be alright. Someday all of these higgeldy piggeldy pieces of jigsaw puzzle shall fit in perfectly into one complete picture. I know that I am stronger than what I think I am and that I can go on longer than I think I can. I really do not know what future has in store for me but I pray and hope that the past is not repeated. I hope that someday I'll have my story and I won't just be a bystander watching from outside. I hope that I won't get rude shocks that put an end to everything I believed in. I want something to believe in, I really need to be able to believe that I won't be on the receiving end time after time. I hope that someday this cynical me filled with negative feelings can let go of all the insecurities. I hope that someday there shall be stability which I crave for. I pray that someday this so called unfair life dishes out something marvellous for me that shall be mine forever.
Where is the moment when I need it the most?
I kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Why is the blue sky fading to grey?
Why has the passion gone away?
And I don't need no carrying on....
Oct 9, 2007
Anansi tagged me and as a rule I don’t like doing tags but this one was different and I just could not resist myself and my interpretation of this would be a chronicle of my changing dreams over the years. This has to be an account of some of my happiest and saddest memories, of wishes long forgotten, of moments that shall remain etched in my mind, of longings and disappointments, a delicious walk down the memory lane. Well dreams could be wishes too. So this is gonna be a comfortable mish mash of dreams, wishes and desires.
My earliest dream was as a 4 year old and I wanted my Dad to come back home and be with us as one whole family. Dad was hardly around except for the holidays as he was in the army and I always felt incomplete without him. I longed for him to be back so that we could be a family. Strangely I don’t think my Dad even has an inkling of how much I missed him all those years back as we graduated to having a tumultuous relationship in my mid teens and we’d have the most horrible fights just short of flinging pots and pans at each other. He disapproved of me going out as much as I did and I was as stubborn as he was and wouldn’t budge an inch. I was struggling with my own issues and inferiority complexes and trying to find my own footing in the changing world. But Dad just failed to understand that and he wanted me to be the model child, which I wasn’t. We’d fight like cats and dogs especially when I wanted to go to Pune for college until Mum made him understand that he has to let me go and live my life the way I want to. He gave in and it has been almost three quarters of a decade ever since and Dad and I made peace with each other. Now I can actually sit by his side and sip my wine as he has his customary peg of rum each evening and we’d happily exchange stories and varied experiences.
I also dreamt of being pretty and thin. I was plump as I ate like a pig all those years. I was never fat but plump yeah and my luck that all my friends were thin and slight and I was quite tall for my age and big built. I hated it so much, detested my body that time and I had such a negative body image that it has taken years for me to appreciate what I really have now. Weight has always been a tiny issue for me but in school it was such a big issue. Though if you ask my friends they’d never say I was fat but I don’t know why I always thought I was. I was pretty in my own way and if I’d known that guess I would have looked so much nicer. When I see my old pictures I always have that perpetual frown on my face or trying hard to smile. Now I smile entirely too much and some of my closest friends say that my smile is infectious. I know that weight is gonna be a struggle to maintain and even till the beginning of this year I had put on oodles of weight due to my nocturnal life style and nefarious activities that would include drinking binges a little too often. But 6 months and I lost it all and I am still working at it. Mum was so surprised when she met me this time. I am even taking part in the Delhi Half Marathon on the 28th of October cos when I was 20 and I’d first started jogging I dreamt of participating in the Mumbai International Marathon. Life took me a different way altogether but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do the same things, it maybe a different city and a different time and new people but it is still a marathon and it is still me who believes that running makes me feel good about myself and more in control, makes me believe that I can do it however impossible my goals might seem.
When I was 8 I dreamt of a time when my Dad would be a Brigadier and I could show of to the rest of the army brat pack as my Dad commanded a brigade and I got to travel in those fancy decorated cars with sirens and flags. That never happened cos my father got superceded and years later I promised myself that someday my younger sister and I would make him so proud of us and we would make up for what happened to him. My sister is one hell of a kid, and nobody ever thought she would do as well as she did as she faced her own failures and rose above all that and left all of us spell bound. I keep my fingers crossed as I write this because she is my dearest little prankster and all of 19. As for me I wanna study some more. Probably get a P.H.D and I wanna go abroad and see some more of the world. I lead quite a wandering life as a child as we shifted our base every two years and as an adult too I have been on the move since 18. But now I wanna give myself a chance to study something I love and I know I am passionate about. When I started working and hated my job as much as I did only the thought of studying some more kept me alive. I would be so disillusioned and dejected but I knew that there shall be a new tomorrow someday and that was hope enough. Everybody would be leaving but me and every time anyone gave his or her GRE I’d wonder when my time would come. Well my time is definitely coming next year and FALL 2009 I shall be in Boston COME WHAT MAY.
Not to forget I dreamt of being in love, being in love with someone who would love me for what I was. He would have to love the stupid me, the silly me, the child in me and understand where my insecurities come from. My dream of being in love has been fleeting and sometimes I think I have reveled in self-pity. I didn’t wanna get out of that phase. But I was 18 and utterly idiotic and bewildered. I didn’t even know where all those emotions were coming from. I use to believe in soul mates too but that myth has also been shattered. I don’t know what to believe in. This other plan I devised of keeping away from emotional trauma worked for a year until a little while back when my world turned topsy-turvy all of a sudden and I am left baffled and breathless and it is back to square one. There is no way out of this vicious circle and the ever-elusive love. I am back to writing sentimental, soppy posts and darn it comes so naturally. I like to believe I am a rational human being but apparently there is no logic that works with this. Sounds a wee bit melodramatic but S came out of nowhere and changed my life. I don’t even know what hit me. I dread to imagine how it shall be without him around. I was talking to one of my closest friends P in Bangalore today and she chuckled when she heard the whole story and when I said “I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation,
Sigh! I don’t even dare to dream how it can be if I ever get to be with s.
So that’s that. The dreams, which I wove, the castles in the air I built and life goes on and we dream some more and we dream on and on……
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On Dream On Dream On
I tag Raaji, Renovatio and She.
Oct 3, 2007
I wish I knew that someone so akin to me was living right next door all those years. I wish I knew that you liked blue over all the other colors and that you prefer pizza to Thai food. I wish I knew that you hated Chinese with the same passion with which I loved it and that my favorite storybook character is your favorite storybook character too. I wish I knew that you didn’t love what you were doing just as much as I didn’t.
I wish I knew that there is someone who dreams just as much as me. I wish I knew that there could be someone goofier than me. I wish I knew that there is actually someone who doesn’t understand my sarcasm and believes all the fairy stories I tell. I wish I knew that someone could go on and on singing those annoying songs in a half broken voice without a thought for my poor ears.
I wish I knew that Sundays could be as much fun, that one could get their car serviced, catch 2 movies, oscillate from one mall to another in the heat, eat brownies and drink gallons of iced teas and window shop all in one day. I wish I knew someone who’d ask me to purchase the weekly groceries when I am in the middle of an oh so important meeting. I wish I knew that some times haphazard plans with an almost stranger turns out to be a lively and charming affair.
I wish I knew someone who could spend hours and hours with me talking about the most innocuous things. I wish I knew that there could be someone who likes sharing childhood memories and funny family anecdotes with me. I wish I knew that someone would want to meet me as much as I want to meet that someone. I wish I knew that someone could walk into your life one fine day and some things would never be the same again.
Darn I wish I knew you, I so wish I knew you before.
"Like a firefly that burns bright...he came suddenly, out of the dark sky. He hovered around for a little while, he lit up my days with laughter and smiles. Then he vanished just as suddenly, my dear firefly."