Oct 9, 2007


Anansi tagged me and as a rule I don’t like doing tags but this one was different and I just could not resist myself and my interpretation of this would be a chronicle of my changing dreams over the years. This has to be an account of some of my happiest and saddest memories, of wishes long forgotten, of moments that shall remain etched in my mind, of longings and disappointments, a delicious walk down the memory lane. Well dreams could be wishes too. So this is gonna be a comfortable mish mash of dreams, wishes and desires.

My earliest dream was as a 4 year old and I wanted my Dad to come back home and be with us as one whole family. Dad was hardly around except for the holidays as he was in the army and I always felt incomplete without him. I longed for him to be back so that we could be a family. Strangely I don’t think my Dad even has an inkling of how much I missed him all those years back as we graduated to having a tumultuous relationship in my mid teens and we’d have the most horrible fights just short of flinging pots and pans at each other. He disapproved of me going out as much as I did and I was as stubborn as he was and wouldn’t budge an inch. I was struggling with my own issues and inferiority complexes and trying to find my own footing in the changing world. But Dad just failed to understand that and he wanted me to be the model child, which I wasn’t. We’d fight like cats and dogs especially when I wanted to go to Pune for college until Mum made him understand that he has to let me go and live my life the way I want to. He gave in and it has been almost three quarters of a decade ever since and Dad and I made peace with each other. Now I can actually sit by his side and sip my wine as he has his customary peg of rum each evening and we’d happily exchange stories and varied experiences.

I also dreamt of being pretty and thin. I was plump as I ate like a pig all those years. I was never fat but plump yeah and my luck that all my friends were thin and slight and I was quite tall for my age and big built. I hated it so much, detested my body that time and I had such a negative body image that it has taken years for me to appreciate what I really have now. Weight has always been a tiny issue for me but in school it was such a big issue. Though if you ask my friends they’d never say I was fat but I don’t know why I always thought I was. I was pretty in my own way and if I’d known that guess I would have looked so much nicer. When I see my old pictures I always have that perpetual frown on my face or trying hard to smile. Now I smile entirely too much and some of my closest friends say that my smile is infectious. I know that weight is gonna be a struggle to maintain and even till the beginning of this year I had put on oodles of weight due to my nocturnal life style and nefarious activities that would include drinking binges a little too often. But 6 months and I lost it all and I am still working at it. Mum was so surprised when she met me this time. I am even taking part in the Delhi Half Marathon on the 28th of October cos when I was 20 and I’d first started jogging I dreamt of participating in the Mumbai International Marathon. Life took me a different way altogether but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do the same things, it maybe a different city and a different time and new people but it is still a marathon and it is still me who believes that running makes me feel good about myself and more in control, makes me believe that I can do it however impossible my goals might seem.

When I was 8 I dreamt of a time when my Dad would be a Brigadier and I could show of to the rest of the army brat pack as my Dad commanded a brigade and I got to travel in those fancy decorated cars with sirens and flags. That never happened cos my father got superceded and years later I promised myself that someday my younger sister and I would make him so proud of us and we would make up for what happened to him. My sister is one hell of a kid, and nobody ever thought she would do as well as she did as she faced her own failures and rose above all that and left all of us spell bound. I keep my fingers crossed as I write this because she is my dearest little prankster and all of 19. As for me I wanna study some more. Probably get a P.H.D and I wanna go abroad and see some more of the world. I lead quite a wandering life as a child as we shifted our base every two years and as an adult too I have been on the move since 18. But now I wanna give myself a chance to study something I love and I know I am passionate about. When I started working and hated my job as much as I did only the thought of studying some more kept me alive. I would be so disillusioned and dejected but I knew that there shall be a new tomorrow someday and that was hope enough. Everybody would be leaving but me and every time anyone gave his or her GRE I’d wonder when my time would come. Well my time is definitely coming next year and FALL 2009 I shall be in Boston COME WHAT MAY.

Not to forget I dreamt of being in love, being in love with someone who would love me for what I was. He would have to love the stupid me, the silly me, the child in me and understand where my insecurities come from. My dream of being in love has been fleeting and sometimes I think I have reveled in self-pity. I didn’t wanna get out of that phase. But I was 18 and utterly idiotic and bewildered. I didn’t even know where all those emotions were coming from. I use to believe in soul mates too but that myth has also been shattered. I don’t know what to believe in. This other plan I devised of keeping away from emotional trauma worked for a year until a little while back when my world turned topsy-turvy all of a sudden and I am left baffled and breathless and it is back to square one. There is no way out of this vicious circle and the ever-elusive love. I am back to writing sentimental, soppy posts and darn it comes so naturally. I like to believe I am a rational human being but apparently there is no logic that works with this. Sounds a wee bit melodramatic but S came out of nowhere and changed my life. I don’t even know what hit me. I dread to imagine how it shall be without him around. I was talking to one of my closest friends P in Bangalore today and she chuckled when she heard the whole story and when I said “I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation,
Sigh! I don’t even dare to dream how it can be if I ever get to be with s.

So that’s that. The dreams, which I wove, the castles in the air I built and life goes on and we dream some more and we dream on and on……

Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On Dream On Dream On

I tag Raaji, Renovatio and She.


She said...

Thanks for the tag Utopia, but I dont know whether to thank you or curse you..coz this tag means letting the world know of my dreams. Your dreams sound rather familiar, kinda like my own, a desire to prove yourself...but I hope you will carry on writing even when you are in Boston!!

Anonymous said...

wonderfully expressed girl!!!

Ricercar said...

this was v nice!

annie said...

:) Shine on you crazy diamond!!

Pri said...

it was really wonderful to know uve achieved most of what uve dreamt about and here's hoping ul'l get all the rest too ...:)


Compassion Unlimitted said...

Very beautifully presented.Love of a father,seldom children understand.he he..Dream on dream on dream on..It will definitely become a reality.

The Dude said...

An interesting post I have to say. And the picture youve selected is quite unique too.
but your post makes me think of how we all dream so many things throughout our lives.. some dreams we outgrow that we shouldnt, some that we dont but should and some that lose meaning as we get older but we just cant let go of..
the human condition is truly a most curious and baffling one, hopefully someone will figure it out someday.
its like that line: if go exists, we need not worry. if he does not, then we need not be aimless.
what part to dreams play in all this? are they the stars guiding those of us falling? or something different? who knows, who knows...
oh well..

J said...

Dreams.. what would we do without them. They make us hope for what would have seemed impossible in the first look.

Yep.. dream on!!

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

aww... this is such a wonderful post.

although i never really fought with my parents, we have had our disagreements and i think there is a time and place when parents really do need to let us go and explore the world on our own. I am glad that they did it for me.

hey... you are coming to Boston? this is exciting! We have to see each other!

I am glad to find you in a relationship. I am sure it will do wonders for you! :)

I shall do the tag. So it is on my discretion, i can do however i want to and whatever dreams i would like to mention... right?

Renovatio said...

You mean goal-ish dreams I see. I'm going to have to think on this one. So many tags for me :(

Aaarti said...

Ahh, the beauty of dreams.. and its wonderful when we realise our dreams...:) a special feeling na..

love the way you've written the whole thing... neatly interlinked and woven..

have u read this book called Queen of dreams by Chitra Divakaruni.. fascinating book... :)

take care
have a pleasant sunday.. and here's to more dreams...

akanksha said...

Very well written...:-)

a blue eyed girl said...

great tag! i can sympathize with the weight issue, totally awesome how u shaped up. :) a marathon? wow, u go girl!

Sameera said...

May all your dreams come true.God Bless...

utopia said...

thank you everyone for having the patience and reading my ramblings on dreams. a special thank you to Dude and Raaji. I love Dude's interesting insights on whatI write and his interpretation of it and I love the personal interest Raaji takes and actually tries to comprehend what is actually happening in my life to write what I do.

Renovatio you were missed. where have thou been?

ashu you seem to be a regular visitor these days. thanks!

annie i hope you been feeling better now.

pri i haven't achieved all that i dreamt off but it ahsn't been that bad a journey i think. :)

j thanks for dropping by.

aarti i haven't read that book of chitra bannerji's but i have erad "sister of my heart" and "mistress of spices". she has this ability to make everything bengali sound extremely exotic heheh!

akanksha when do ya leave home for your new job girl? best of luck.

blue eyed girl i have always had weight issues. sigh! only recently i figured that its about how badly i wanna loose it.

Anonymous said...

It was lovely reading this post & knowing more about you...without dreams our life would simply be dull...wish all your dreams come true...& Have a very very nice time during the pujas....stay well & enjoy the Pujo!

Shine on said...

Yo Utopia,

Quite the coincidence that you dropped by. I was waiting for the Little bengali Dynamo to come online so that I could tell her to tell you that you write well.

Also it takes an army kid to relate to my childhood and vice versa :)

Shine on said...

Talking about coincidences this post reminds me of the one I wrote about my dad and I so related to what you had to say. Especially the bit about the horrid fights in the mid teens.

Strange because I think we both posted around the same time. :) Good writing really.

Shine on said...

OTA!! Ha Ha. Keeping in mind the coincidences I'm sure they'd know each other