Aug 24, 2009

Whatever will be, will be

I wanna run away, far far away from everything especially constant deadlines. Damn I am disinterested already and it has only been a month and a half. Is it normal or am I abnormal? I don’t feel like working for anyone and I am growing weary of being answerable all the time to people higher in the ladder. I don’t like wearing this crown of thorns and I didn’t even know what I was getting into. I so wish I could work at my own pace, do my own thing and the money could still keep coming in. That is a futile wish of mine and this is anything but an ideal world.
I saw someone’s birthday pictures the other day. A bunch of people I don’t know but all of them looked so sparkling and sprightly and I just plain envied them. Pictures can be very misleading they say but the happiness was just radiating through the screen. The bottom line being I don’t think I am fun anymore. When was the last time I even uploaded any pictures? I can’t even remember. Okie moving on to something jollier it was my burrrrdayyy last week and I officially entered the wrong side of 25 hahaha! I got sooooooo many calls/messages and I confess that I hadn’t expected soooooo many people to call me. :-) Of course social networking sites really help the cause. But hell I still felt special, exceedingly special.
I have been having a lot of imaginary conversations in my head these days. I’d be surprised if they actually come true. Though I try not to build the demons in my head but on bad days the demons overtake and surpass everything almost like the Death Eaters. On days like that however much I try to steer my thoughts away to a different direction I fail. Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know what is worrying me and where is this anxiety coming from. I don’t want to have made it all up in my head. That’s my biggest nightmare. I don’t wanna be wrong time and time again. I want it to be real, tangible and not a figment of my imagination. But I also realized what has to be will be and there is nothing I can do but wait and watch. It is the waiting that kills me. Sigh! I was born impatient. I just have let go I guess, yup just let it go.There is a certain peace that came when I let go. Whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see. :-)

Aug 13, 2009

Everybody is going to the party, dancing in the dessert and blowing up the sunshine...

I don’t seem to be able to put my thoughts and feelings across on a blog as eloquently I could in the past. It is also cos I don’t want it to be out there for the world or my tiny little world to read. Sometimes I am amazed at the amount of information on my personal life I have put up on the blog in the past especially the comings and goings of the objects of affection. Damn were they seasonal or not. I mean I could actually sit and write post after post on someone who just let me walk away. Is this how much we grow up in two years that you finally see something for exactly what it was worth? They keep coming and going, coming and going like ships sailing in the night my Mum said once and apparently if you are lucky someday someone while choose to stay on. No I don’t want this to be a “nobody loweeees me” post. Haven’t I written enough of those over the top looney looserish posts on loneliness and yada yada yada!
Work is good and I am happy. Yup I don’t cringe at all when I get up in the morning unlike my old workplace where Walrus use to keep us guessing how his frame of mind shall be and what shape it shall take by the time the day is over. Our Bosses let us be as long as the work is done. I think that is the best part of working here and that we are not constantly subjected to their bad moods and whims and fancies. Weekends are quite lackluster and unexciting as invariably we end up going to the same pub and its just three of us and the same old middle aged lecherous bastards or school boys. No you can’t even dream about striking up a conversation with any one of them and to think I’d even crib about the crowd in B’lore cos Calcutta officially has the saddest crowd. I don’t know where all the men went and honestly there isn’t even any eye candy. How I miss Delhi? Hmphhhh! I miss dressing up and going out and knowing I can come back whenever I want to be it drunk or sane or something in the middle.
I love living with my Mum but Dad is missed a lot. Saturdays were never insipid with him around as something or the other would turn up and all three of us would be out having a merry time. Yeah I miss him a lot cos sometimes I assume he is still there until it hits me no he isn’t and that he is gone forever. No more drunk dials from Dad each night narrating some ridiculous joke or making fun of Ma’s eccentricities. No more Dad calling me a lazy bum and urging me to go for a jog. No more reassurance that he is right there and I can reach out to him as and when I want to. I try to feel his presence sometimes when I am in a dilemma and I want him to show me the right way. I try to savour each day more so now cos I realize how sudden and unpredictable this life can be. But happiness is not how happiness use to be. It just doesn’t feel the same. Its hollow, empty and lifeless. But times have to change right. That bubbly feeling will be back someday. Life can’t be static and frozen in time forever. It will change and maybe it already is and I don’t realize it until the sunshine hits me on my face yet again. Alas sunshine I seek you now and forever and ever.