Jun 22, 2009

Lets smoke it all away

I don’t crave for smokes anymore. Weird isn’t it when at one time all I wanted was to be able to have that one smoke after work in the evening and I was perfectly content. I never was much of a chain smoker actually and I started smoking really late at 22 and I am almost 26 now. So 4 years of smoking almost continuously but not in profuse amounts and I could go weeks without smoking every time I headed home. But of course there have been those evenings when one puffed cigarette after cigarette with drinks loosing count and ignoring that tiny voice in my head that always knew and still knows how my lungs loose a little bit of life with every drag I take. But last couple of months I think I took a conscious decision to steer my mind away from craving for a smoke after work, or in the morning and even while drinking. I think secretly I was so glad when the smoking ban was implemented though publicly I have cursed the authorities for doing so time and time again but I have cut down on a lot of smoking because of the ban and I confess I am too lazy to be haunting the smoking rooms time and time again or to stand outside a club on a rainy, freezing evening and puff away at my smoke. I take the easy way out and don’t smoke at all if I need to be making so much of an effort for that one cigarette. I use to suffer from asthma as a teenager and for years I carried an inhaler in my bag just incase I needed it. Honestly smoking actually increases my breathlessness and decreases my capacity to run long stretches on the tread mill and I hate the stench of stale smoke when people come back to the confines of an air conditioned office after a smoke. I can make out chronic chain smokers by their dark lips, bad teeth and nicotine stained fingers. I can pin point those television news anchors who smoke too much cos their teeth scream tobacco abuse and it shows even in front of the camera. . Hypocrite ain’t I?
Why am I discussing smoking and the various disadvantages that tag along with it today? Well it was father’s day yesterday and my Dad won’t be around for the first time in almost 26 years cos he passed away from lung cancer exactly two weeks back. I know its genetic predisposition, destiny and a host of other factors some known and some unknown but the truth also being that it was the chain smoking in his hay days that might have triggered the cancer. As a child I remember being asked to run errands by my Mum and also to pick up a pack of cigarettes for my Dad. They have had incessant arguments of quitting the stick but somehow Dad would make excuses and smoke one a day or half a day. My Dad loved his alcohol but he never had a paunch or a beer belly. In fact he had abs cos he jogged some 9 kms every morning even at 57. I know there are stories of people smoking a pack at 70 and still being all hale and hearty well my Dad was a decorated officer (an infantry officer mind you) of the Indian Army for 32 years and the fittest 57 year old I have seen by far and all it took was 6 months of cancer and he is no more.
I don’t even wanna get into how the last 6 months have been as we saw our lives being turned upside down and all the happiness being sucked out of it. Everything we believed in was systematically shred to pieces. But like they say time is the best healer and as the days are passing by and the intensity of losing him lessens I can be more objective about this and I realize that this was the way it was supposed to be. Like Ma said its been 2 weeks now and then it’ll be a month, and gradually a year and years will pass by. We’ll move on like we are moving on but it still breaks my heart thinking he might have been around if not for the misdiagnosis and if he’d been a little more careful and paid more heed to the advice on quitting the cigarettes years back. Everybody who smokes doesn’t necessarily die of lung cancer but a lot of them do and my Father did. I am scared for myself sometimes and I know I should quit really soon. I wonder when I’ll have the will power enough to do so and till that day I’ll keep fighting this battle of restricting myself to one smoke a week or half a smoke with a drink on a weekend.

Jun 7, 2009

Big Girls Don't Cry

Thats what they say. Maybe they do cry sometimes like I have done so. I have cried buckets and buckets and now it seems none of the tears are left inside of me. We do become numb eventually however cliche it sounds. I wanna thank all who have been around the last 6 months walking every step along with me or some who walked a part of it but walked with me nonetheless. And people I am really apologetic for sounding like an emotional fool but maybe sometimes we have to be allowed the luxury to indulge in our stoopid, nonsensical emotions.

Batty and Fino: For being the rocks that they always have been. Guys what would I have done without you? Be it my personal failures or the adversities of life you have been there. Need I say anything more. Be it the dreams or the self made disasters you guys stood by me and I love you for that.

Red Head and Akku: You might not have been there in person but were always there in spirit and I know that. Red Head I know there were so many times you and I wanted to talk but we just did not know what to say to each other. That time at your wedding was one of the loveliest times I had and I'll always cherish those memories and I am so glad I could make it and spend sometime with you. Akku we have been living in different countries for 5 years now but it doesn't seem so cos you are always around in one way or the other. Sorry for not being able to make it for your shaadi. You know how unexpected all of that was.

Miss Touch Me Not( who doesn't read my blog) and She: Guys I really appreciate the effort made by both of you to come down and see me in Bangalore. I love both of you lots and lots despite everything really even if I seem distant and indifferent now.

Sagy: My roomie, my cooking buddy, my fellow social worker we have to, have to go to Africa and work there sometime much to Rishi's horror hahaha! Those 4 months with you were so idyllic and perfect and I could not have asked for better roomies than you and hottie Richa. :-)

Shikha: Darn I had to take your blogger name sorry but you wouldn't have figured it was you. I know we haven't spent half as much time like we probably have with the rest of our friends. Thank you for having been walked that length be it just giggling with me about our perennially single status or advising me on my career and helping me out with it. That evening in Firangi Paani well I haven't had so much fun minus alcohol for a longtime. Lots of love and luck to be coming your way I am sure.

Jinu: For being the bestest blogger buddy anybody could have ever asked for. Twinnie we shall definitely meet again. I know I left my life there all of a sudden but you know how everything fell apart. You and I have a long long way to go and those exams have to be aced. Thanku for being with me through the times of the cherry blossoms. I had so much fun in that Tattoo Parlour woman. :D

Meggy: For being that most inspiring colleague, friend and a whole lot more. Girl we'll definitely make it and we shall be sitting across the table from Walrus and negotiating the deal on our terms. You wait and watch.

Economist and Motu Boy: I miss you both lots and wish you guys were around. I wanna spend a lot more time with you, Batty, and Finoo and the entire mad bunch together.

Finally my Daddy for being the strongest and bravest Daddy. I know I was never the quintessential Daddy's little girl but I couldn't have asked for anybody but you as my father. You shall be missed immensely. I know you are looking over us from up there and I can see that drink in your hand and goofy smile on your face and can almost hear your laughter.