May 20, 2008

All is not gone

She couldn’t get herself to read books these days. She had sat for half an hour trying to engross herself in a good old murder mystery by Agatha Christie only to discard it on the bed and walk out of the room with the familiar feeling of impatience. She couldn’t even read the newspapers except for running her eyes through the headlines. The editorials were a far cry. She’d changed and she knew it because this wasn’t her. She wasn’t at peace and she wondered what exactly would soothe her mind. A part of her wanted to wait around and see herself through this senseless floating while another voice that seemed to grow louder and louder each day wanted her to leave. It was over and done with. Just leave and start afresh. It doesn’t matter because you will build your own world again. You always do. You shall learn how to.
A couple of months back she would have questioned her own deeds but now it was different. She probably didn’t judge herself in the same light anymore. It is so extraordinary just charting your own course of evolving as a person. How sometimes your life feels like a movie or a story book and how to outsiders it looks oh so perfect and only you would know about the inner turmoil. Maybe in the same fashion she had envied people and maybe their lives weren’t what she had made them out to be. That all of us have our own demons to fight and that it was all in the head. In semi darkness someone had whispered in her ears about a glass ceiling and how she has to look beyond it, that maybe it was time to move on.
Driving home at 12 at night when she’d been on the phone with a friend and she had questioned herself when the driver almost cursed her for her non belief in her own abilities. Her soul sister sitting behind agreed with him wholeheartedly. Something changed in her that night. She’d always dreamt but now she realised that it is time she believes in herself. The whisperer left for his own travels, left her with memories of midnight drives & Romeo and Juliet , getting lost in the vastness of the city, bizarre conversations, walking home hand in hand after coffee, a Sunday morning breakfast, inebriations, unexpected tenderness and a pair of laughing hazel eyes.

May 2, 2008

And so it is not quite like I thought it would be as life goes easy on me...

Well I am incredibly bored and the heat is doing looney things to me. I have the strangest of moods when I am obsessing over trivial things that really should not matter to me and the bigger things just do not seem to be that important anymore. For instance last week I was so convinced that a few days more of this agony and I am gonna chuck my resignation letter on my boss’s face and walk away without a single regret. That is so not me. I am the kind of person who weighs all the pros and cons and tries doing the right thing and always in some ways does what is expected of me. But really when one is driven to the wall and you get up in the morning with that nasty feeling at the pit of your stomach then it is high time that you move away. I haven’t taken a holiday in a year and a half and I am doing so and the excuse I have come up with is downright scandalizing. My boss happened to be all cheerful the other day and I knew it that this was the time I say it or sit at the home the whole weekend and mope. So there I was telling him all animatedly on how keen my folks were about me meeting this guy who could possibly be a prospective candidate for marriage. Darn he actually bought it heheeh! So he thinks I am going to Bangalore to meet “The Boy” while I am going to the Jim Corbett National Park for 2 whole days with the whackiest bunch of people hahah!
One of closest friends shifted base from Chennai to Delhi and I am jubilant. It is lovely having her around. We have been joined at the hip since she came to town on Sunday and we never seem to run out of conversation. She is my soul sister and is as batty and deranged as me heheh! The other day we went out for dinner with an old friend whom I got to know only recently. We were acquaintances for more than a decade and we even ended up in the same college but bizarre are the ways of this world as we started talking only after both of us realised that we shared a common love of blogging. So Batty Woman and I met up with Blogger Buddy and her husband for drinks and what a delightful evening we had. I had heard about Blogger Buddy’s husband from her before but meeting both of them as a couple was entirely entertaining and he did take me by surprise and I must say appearances can be very deceptive haha! On Sunday I’d gone to Blues Cafe with Batty Woman and Funny boy and his best pal. Was quite a fiasco as I stormed out of Blues after insisting on paying the bill and not letting Funny Boy pay a penny. I don’t think he is as funny as I thought he was and let us leave it at that. Thank heavens for Batty Woman being there with me that evening or else I had one too many a Bloody Mary and my lips were almost falling off because of an overdose of the salt and the Tabasco sauce and not to forget the state my delusional mind. I have realised one thing though that really how could I ever think I would be able to relate to someone who thinks “sarcasm” is a long word.
I am meeting S today after 3 whole weeks. He was in Goa for a long holiday and had lotsa fun with his friends. I am sooooo looking forward to meeting him. I miss his cartoonish presence in my life. My Dad was in town day before and I went to Ruby Tuesday with him cos I had been wanting to sample the crab cakes they had displayed on the menu for some time now. Now what am I supposed to do if Happy Hours was on so I had two Mojitos. My Dad found it amusing but my Mum calls me up later in the night and screams at me saying how I am on the verge of turning an alcoholic. I was livid. I just had 2 Mojitos. I mean for Christ’s sake it ain’t that big a deal. Okie yeah last time she came to town and stayed with me for a week one night when all my friends came home for dinner I did get drunk on wine, but that was happy tipsy and besides those were my closest friends and I can be myself with them. The funniest was when S and Mamma were making fun of me as S said “ Pia don’t talk your speech is slurred. “ and Mamma says laughingly “She is just like her Dad. Alcohol runs in her veins.” I do share a love hate relationship with her. Sigh! Anyways I am off. Have a great weekend while I try and figure what to pack and take with me for my sojourn into the wilderness.