Sep 11, 2009

Let go...


When I set out to meet Pinocchio last evening I had no idea that a couple of hours spent with an old old friend would be the answer to my self made agony the last couple of months. I had been bottling it all up since December. I had become a control freak and I refuse to let alcohol get the better of me cos of my past shenanigans. And of course life hasn’t made it any easier and I was always scared that if I get drunk it’ll all come out, all of it and I don’t want it to come out with complete strangers and my own people are scattered in different places. I actually could not remember the last time I got drunk and let my hair down and acted stupid. This year I haven’t had the luxury to let my hair down and let it go. I wanted to let it go, all of it but found it so difficult and I was loosing myself completely cos this sorrow was consuming almost everything good. I’d cry myself to office each day in the morning and I wouldn’t even know why my eyes filled with tears when apparently it should be over by now. I am supposed to be coping with this better than this. I did a bloody good job of putting on a brave front initially but after it was all over and the friends came and went and I was left to deal with it alone minus anything to look forward to I failed miserably to the point that my Mum had to sit down and speak to me telling me that I shouldn’t think that I am stuck over here and I can leave when I want to if I am not happy. I wasn’t happy. I was just plain miserable and God knows that I did try finding ways to distract myself until that one happy distraction became an obsession and it started hurting so bad. Of course I refused to let go. I wouldn’t let go and I wouldn’t budge an inch. I wanted it my way and sometimes its not your way, most times it isn’t your way and to accept what I had, for what its worth is taking time. But now I think I have started to accept the good. Yeah it has been really really difficult accepting the good cos you keep questioning it time and time again and I am petrified I’ll loose whatever I have now including my Mum, Sis, my job, my friends just like I lost my Dad and the life that was. We have this today and I am here now and I make the best of this cos living in my own make believe world isn’t as much of a respite and living in denial doesn’t help. Last night after my five large vodkas and a lot of quarreling with Pinocchio at the shady Oly Pub as I sat in the cab I made that fateful drunken dial to, hold your breath, we don’t call up ex-boyfriends or lovers on a drunk dial, we call up best friends in Helsinki hahah! Yeah I called up Fino and I babbled utter rubbish for half an hour. I know I have been bothering you too much these days for whatever reasons but at that time I didn’t think of anyone but you I wanted to talk to. Of course the call being interrupted also helped. Yeayyyy! I am so glad that at least someone proves me wrong time and time again. I know I have to let it be, all of it and hope that it turns out fine. I don’t know how and when I am gonna get out of here but I do know I shall someday when it is a different time and day.

8 comments:

akanksha said...

Taking to your best friend is sometimes the best medicine in thw world!Glad u've found a ray of light dear!
Take care of yourself! There are many things in the world that are still yours!

Hugs!
Akanksha

Btw, i stred a new blog http://shaadi-mania.blogspot.com

Chk it out whn u find time:)

slaintesurvivors said...

Haha! Your drunk dials are a joy :D And I am always happy to be at the receiving end, only, a more economical way should be found. Soon :D

You are a rockstar, no matter what you say and think of yourself or the things happening around you :) The sooner you accept that, the better ;)Love you lots!

SMM said...

Use skype people...waaaay cheaper :P

And I second Fino's point - you are a rockstar babe :)

CrazyDiamond said...

Money spent on drinks and drunk dialing is better than retail therapy to get out of a funk. No?

My therapy is a song - "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. You tube it.

Serendipity said...

goodie. :)glad ur feling bettr!

J said...

I guess we all have our thresholds and eventually have to let it all out. Hoping that what lies ahead will be more cheerful.

The Guy Next Door said...

5 large vodkas? Blimey !!!!

You desi Cal girls sound fun , unlike the Gujju girls I keep meeting when I am in Mumbai ;)

Heavenly Muse said...

hmmmm...:-)