Mar 3, 2008

Will you miss me when I'm looking for myself out there?


I am writing after almost a month. Doesn’t seem like it though. Seems only yesterday I had the waffle craving and damn a month actually flashed past by. What have I been up to? Hmmmmm looking for jobs desperately at times and sometimes when I give it all up and put my hands up in exasperation. I don’t know when it is gonna work out. They say it’ll happen when I least expect it. But isn’t it so hard to stop expecting? Really it is. I try to keep my expectations really really low but somehow they find their way back into my head and take over and voila’ before long they rule. They actually do.
Life has been bloody strange lately. I try and adopt a particular philosophy so as to maintain my peace and calm but alas I fail miserably and also surprise myself. I have been running away, running away from certain people in my life cos I don’t wanna face the barrage of questions. I have enough on my mind lately and I get into these crazy moods when I am all out to mess everything up and just walk away. But thankfully sanity prevails and I realise no that is no way to react. There is a right way. Sometimes the right way is the only way or you just turn your back and choose never to look at that path again.
Really if I do get that job and go away for good will it make a difference to the people in my life, people I am close to, people who mean the world to me, to whom I probably mean a bit of the world they exist in. There are times when I wonder whose name would Rad scream the first thing in the morning that she does as soon as she wakes up or whom would the Ice Queen give missed calls to just to gossip in the middle of her MBA classes or whom would She meet for coffee in the evening and rant about the love for her Boy or whom would Mona call just randomly every Sunday saying I am dropping over. And S? Would it make any difference if he didn’t have his buddy around on weekends to go out drinking and head banging, or just watch random movies or doing absolutely nothing at all together but lazing around and who’d make cold coffee for him in the mornings or just be there for him when he needs someone to talk to any time of the day? Who would he take care of when I am not around, who'd sing silly songs with him in the car for hours together? whom would he call 5 times a day? There ain’t gonna be no answers and well nobody is indispensable.
I know I’d miss them so so much. I’d miss each one of them in different ways. But I have to find myself and I do want that journey to begin soon.
“The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!”

13 comments:

Awais said...

...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!”

Wise choice. :)

J said...

I know how that feels.. the way I put it.. just take a leap of faith and you'll be fine.

All the best.

An ILLuS|On said...

Philosophies are only good to read in books..our lives don't go by these humanly sought & devised philosophies whatsoever!

anuj said...

Its hard. Leaping forward is always a tough choice to make, cause you are not sure if you would be able to leap back again and reach the end where you jumped from in the first place.

But all the more for doing it, not only for the nice valley that is on the other side, but all the more for doing it.

To be honest, it makes a lot of difference when people leave or your leave people's life, but in the long run I think it fades away in to some dark corners, which you are happy to revive at times .. and your friend is still your friend even after years of leaping and not leaping back .. and he/she will always be your part of the world.

cheers

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

you know if these people care about you that much then distance will not matter and they will continue to care and sometimes in life we have to do what we HAVE to do.
btw, where are you going? :-)

She said...

You are not going anywhere. You are gonna be right here!!!! Sorry if I sound rude, but stop whining. Stand up straight and get to it.

You are too much of a twit to be let out alone without supervision in a new place.

Love you loads.

The Dude said...

yknow, if you were telling me this face to face you might have been pissed off because my initial reaction was a touch of amusement.
Not in a 'im making fun of you' way, more in a ' i thought i was the only putz in this situation' kind of way.
im still trying and hope springs eternal right? (at least I like to think so!) keep at it and life has a way of working itself out. take care.
cheers..

Sam said...

its a tuf tym but then chin up!!! was saved from feeling the way u do abt frnds proly coz we were in a hostel and after grads had to move out in diff directions.. but then some things never change!!! and i guess never will!!

An ILLuS|On said...

btw you're being tagged..hate me bake me or fry me but believe you me i just had to do it:S
http://imanillusion.blogspot.com/2008/03/tagged.html

Anansi said...

Don't be afraid.. You were made to go out and get her. So spoke a wise man :) hang in there and ofcourse people will miss you!

a blue eyed girl said...

it's natural to wonder how the important people in our lives will react when we r gone....but still we must go forth with our lives, and good friends will always stick close by, no matter how far...don't worry!

William said...

Closing one's eyes and jumping may result in a dull thud and the long sleep. Heh.

mayz said...

if u dont leap u wont find ur feet...if u dont jump u wont know how high can u go...
i really like d way u have expressed ur thoughts here...a sense of confusion mixed wid a glimmer of dream...
addin u to my blogroll