Nov 5, 2006

blue skies fading to grey

its my third day at work and this tiny voice inside my head saying what the hell am i doing here just seems to be growing louder and louder and very soon shall be crying itself hoarse.someone asked me the other day what was a lawyer like me doing here?i didn't know what to say?i mumbled some vague reply about wanting to do my llm abroad which i do but thats such a long term plan and right now inspiring myself seems so hard.i feel so useless like this piece of wood rooted to this one place.everything seems to have changed overnight.i feel obligated to put on this good girl facade,the model niece.they think i am some wild child that needs to be like i told my mum the other day in a fit of anger before leaving"i'll do everything they expect me to do.not go out,not have friends,no late nights,no partying ,dancing ,no cut a long story short i won't have a life of my own."if thats what makes everybody happy then be it.i won't give them a chance to complain that when the time comes to extract my pound of flesh i can do so.they'll neva b able to label me irresponsible or say that i am not in control of my life.its just that been so long since i have been my animated self,my bubbly, chirpy self, giggling and laughing over silly things.damn nothing to look forward to.jus empty months ahead of me.the one bright spot in my life also seems to have disappeared.though i am human after all.i'll never stop hoping ,dreaming ,waiting.hoping something good comes out of my stint here,dreaming of a brighter day when i can head out to do my llm where i want to{columbia university} :) and waiting for a time when i can wake up each morning wth a smile on my face........

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