It is just another Saturday night and like most Saturdays I throw a little tantrum on how I do not want to go out partying and want to spend time with myself but like every other Saturday I change my mind and give in. It is almost be a routine now. Although I have only been here only the last 3 months but sometimes I feel that hell I have been here forever. I get into the shower at 11 at night with a drink to keep me company. My roomie asks me to keep my phone close by just incase she wants to talk to me. She is one of the most impulsive women I have met ever in my life. With her around there isn’t a single moment of boredom. She is the one who insists that we have a drink along with our shower. So by the end of it I am a lil tipsy and start looking forward to my night out.
Same old Saturday night but tonight I am not touching alcohol since I have been on this health trip the last month or so. I didn’t really have an option. I was home for a weekend and my Mum got alarmed seeing me and gave me a sermon to last me a lifetime so I am literally off alcohol except for an odd drink or two. This is what happens when one gets into the habit of a drinking binge every now and then. You get up one morning and look at yourself in the mirror or even better your Mum meets you after 6 months who is horrified to see you in oversize clothes and when you have no substantial explanation about how you could possibly weigh 5 kgs more. The consequences being I became obsessed about working out and hitting the gym day after day without fail
Anyways we finally head out and the lounge we were planning to go is apparently full and we cannot possibly go there so we finally end up at this crowded club, not an inch to breathe, sweaty bodies everywhere and loud hindi music blasting into my ears. Not that I don’t have fun, I do. We dance our hearts out. But 4 am in the morning when I have had enough, enough of the music, my feet killing me, not inebriated, and I just plonk myself on the nearest couch trying to observe all the people in semi darkness. Hmmmm! The people are a little too flashy, not to my liking or maybe just not my taste. They try too hard to look as perfect as they do, be it the women with their designer wear and perfectly done up make up, not a hair out of place or the men who would be in body hugging tees and gelled hair and even silken shirts.
I look at myself, my hair out of place with all the crazy dance moves and my feet screaming for help cause the 2 inch high heels supporting them cannot bear the burden anymore, my skirt is crinkled up. It hits me all of a sudden what the hell am I doing here in the midst of strangers, this isn’t me, and this isn’t all that I am about. What do I keep looking for? Yeah I am not as messed up in the head like my friends, no I am not 24 and going through a divorce with a man my parents forced me to marry, no I am not this confused young beautiful little thing who is trying to find her footing in this world after her boyfriend of six years left her. I am just me, plain me. Not confused due to lack of focus. Sounds strange but I know exactly what I want from my life.
I have never really suffered from a lack of ambition. I haven’t had an eventful and chequered life like the people around me. I never had that love story which failed and I cry every now and then and provoke the sympathies of people, I never went through that nasty divorce that I have to build a shell around me and start living life on the edge before one fine day it all goes bust. My life has been ordinary, with an occasional and minor heartache here and there. I dream a lot, I have big plans in life however my story is minus such dramatically life changing events like the beautiful people surrounding me. Then why do I feel the way I do in the wee hours of the morning. Why do I look for familiar faces in a crowded disc, look for comfort amongst strangers? Why? I am supposed to be strong because I do not need that emotional dependency. I live life according to my own terms, a life I chose to live, and a little lonely maybe but I like it this way. Why does nostalgia hit me when I thought I had left all that behind? The strangest of times, it triggers of memories, it could be a whiff of a perfume, a few words, a touch, the salty taste of one tear, a fragment of a song,a meadow filled with purple cornflowers, the rain laden gray clouds and it all comes crashing down on me.
I think it’s the nomadic existence, all that I left behind, keep leaving behind, all those dreams I dreamt, the castles in the air I built, the people I bid adieu to, my favorite haunts in the different cities. It overwhelms me in times like this. This drifting that has given me solace for as long as I can remember has become the bane of my existence. Ordinary me and my ordinary life, where do these underlying poignant thoughts come from. I’ll never know and I’ll never be here again.
“We may loose and we may win
But we’ll never be here again
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
Take it easy, take it easy”
6 comments:
Beautiful writing. I've always wondered how people write long entries about themselves. It just doesn't come to me.
Life. Sigh.
I used to be like that. Somehow, I gave in to the seeming need to dramatise Life. People say a lot of things; that a person who doesn't experiment doesn't extend his horizons. Heh. People.
But its good drama. There are real emotions. You laugh. And, rarely, cry :). Its difficult to know what you've lost as you've chosen not to resist the drama, just as it is difficult for you to know what you've lost as not being part of the drama.
Nothing better at this side of the coin. Life is quite a bitch, anyway. Heh. At least you're thought of as "Strong". Heh.
thanks!well what was the first comment about? ;) m curious. yeah we all make choices. the need to resist the drama arose out of leading a melodramatic life a little too long. i know how it can be on that side of the coin too. consciously chose to keep away[not before i hit rock bottom though :-)] . sort of been there, done that feeling. i like to think i am strong , don't all of us?
n on second thoughts think i am quite self obsessed. i end up writing about myself most of the time.
about life on this side of the coin, well like ya said its quite a bitch heheh!
:)
And the first comment just had some errors.
r u always smiling?:-)
No matter how much we tend to hide behind the worldly pleasures to get away from our misgivings,they find a way to get to us.Beautifully expressed :)
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