The meals just get "FISH"ier and "FISH"ier....

The meals get “FISH”ier and “fish”ier each day. Hehe! I am not complaining about food at all. In Calcutta if one is a foodie there is very little one can grumble about. Though I miss M dreadfully.  Two years of hanging out at least twice a week and going for all those holi-holidays that we did and suddenly it is just phone calls that feel so inadequate.  The last month or so she was home almost every day. How can I not mention J? Yet again phone calls are just toooo impersonal when for an entire year and half  it was just calling each other from one cubicle to the other and the chai breaks and the chaat breaks in the canteen and J’s constant agony that the boys cannot be seen hanging out with me all the time. Haha! I never gave a flying fuck.  I argued with them, I threw tantrums, I fought, I cried, I would grumble every second day  but then we would forget all our tiny little grievances against each other and  make up ever so fast and we were a happy family once again. We came to work together, we got out of work together, took the Metro home together, spent at least half an hour in the market doing absolutely nothing but eating gol gappas and momos every day  and now there are these empty  taxi rides back home when it is just me looking out at the sunset sky. What I don’t miss is coming back home to an empty house! Mommy is ever present with the mad maids who are forever in some squabble or the other with a dash of my sister whose home during weekends with her mad bunch. Home is noisy but I also remember a time when it was noisier with Dad around. When I think of that then life does seem a little more silent now. But we won’t dwell on that. We shall dwell on happier things. Cheers to that.

And I am leaving most of it unsaid

 The last one week passed away in a wine induced daze and meetings and meetings at work. I had this zen state of mind on and I didn’t cry and I still haven’t but for that lump in my throat when I hear old voices on the phone.  Where did the last two years vanish? How I cribbed, complained and hated that place and work and people when I first came. I remember that cold freezing winter morning in January when I tried to make out the outline of the office building in dense fog and bang opposite was an empty, half built, ugly, gigantic structure waiting to be completed and what stands as the T3 Terminal now and my first feeling was that of revulsion and  the thought that nooooooooooooooo what am I doing over here. Sigh! Well to say the least but the last 2 years or so have made me realise  what I should be doing in future.  Rest I am just leaving unsaid, most of it actually. Hoping to be pleasantly surprised in the future if God and Destiny is kind enough that is.

Is it you?

And I wake up every day at 3:30 in the morning and the days you are not there sleeping peacefully above on the bed, I cannot get back to sleep.  I either read a book for the next 2 hours or I just toss and turn and ghost walk around the whole house waiting impatiently for the sun to rise. The days you are there I look at your sleeping face for a few minutes and then go back to my angst ridden sleep.  I wonder why leaving this time is bothering me more than it did the last time. Is it you?

Don't let it be clubbed into dank submission

This one is called The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski. I like very very much. Maybe it is also just the state of my mind. Two of those lines were used for the Levi's Curve advertisement.

And we turn the page once more

Last night as I cleaned up my living room after a particularly lively evening complete with three bottles of wine, lots of pasta from Big Chill and lovely company consisting of A, Nan and M, I looked around at my pink and purple curtains bought so thoughtfully and lovingly from Lajpat Nagar that sunny winter afternoon, I looked at my cute lil pair of jute chairs and my adorable coffee table and the pink and purple rug from Mother Earth and the pink and purple matching coasters, I looked at the scented candles that were meant to be used for a different purpose altogether and I promised myself someday not far far away I will have an apartment, my very own, even if right now packing up everything is tugging at my heart strings more than I ever thought it would. I am such a creature of habit and I don’t like being uprooted. Damn it.

I had the nicest weekend. Ironical now that I am about to leave J and I spend all the time in the world together. I had never thought I could be an easy person to be with too. I do give someone space, I don’t expect you to call me all the time, if you don’t message back or don’t take my call it doesn’t mean anything but just that. It is still you and me. I’ll throw my occasional tantrum and you will put up with it. I am not that person someone painted me to be. I still question the last couple of months. Is it that easy to cut me off from your life? Apparently it is.

So anyways I am putting away all these things and the memories are to be stored away in some dusty corner of my mind. I have to do this, get out of my comfort zone so that I can get to be where I want to be someday soon. The easiest thing in the world would have been to stick around but I chose not to. It is time to move on yet again.

"For every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the boys that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
'Cause it will lead me there to this"

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

There you go. I do wake up happier and lighter each day. I knew I would eventually but it would happen this soon has been such a welcome surprise. The first few days were almost like I was choking, couldn’t breathe, then came the waiting part in Bombay and for the first time in my life I did not poke, prod or beg. I just sat around at Batty’s place, ate lots of yummy food in various joints in Bandra, drank a gallon of Sangria, I am ashamed to say but smoked copious amounts and spent oodles of time with Shivi and Cow. Cow and I had the yummiest Khow Suey at Lemon Grass and how I loved the Pork Sorpotel at Café Goa. There was that evening spent at WTF and damn it alcohol is so freaking cheap there. Shivi and I were all dolled up, just the two of us, sitting in one corner and sipping our drinks while I had a mini heart attack with the sighting of every clean shaven bald head until ironically we bumped into a bunch of bald guys and the evening turned out to be pure fun and one which I shall remember for a long long time to come.

Closure came to me finally on my last day in Bombay that okay its gone, over. I packed my bags and quietly left the city and this time I had the fondest memories despite the circumstances that I actually came in. Back in Delhi life has been just a continuous trail of get togethers, drinking, one night of partying and there have been dinners and drinks in Khan Market almost 4 days a week. I was also wanting to fill up empty space and being around with people does help. To top it all this transfer has happened and I’ll be home for some 6 months. My second Delhi Chapter comes to an end in another 2 weeks. This time I think the future will pan out differently. It has never seemed this clear before. Well shall give it my best shot and then all I can do is to sit back and see how it turns out to be.

"Don't you understand I already have a plan. I am waiting for my real life to begin."