May 16, 2009
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone...
And the song just stuck to my head so much so that I played it a million times until I have been forbidden to play it again. Romeo never does come to save you though. Take it from me even if you hit rock bottom and think it cannot get worse it gets worse and nothing but yourself and your spirit can make you get up and start from scratch all over again. Would you want that one person to save you from the demons and shield you every step of the way? I wouldn't and I don't know about you. Sometimes though when I get glimpses of peoples lives I realise yes some of them have had it a little easier than the rest but life is a great leveller and I truly believe that. We more often than not choose our own lives and I chose this and everything that comes along with it. Well almost. I can't blame others for my fears, my inadequacies, my failures and I am standing where I am right now for I let my fear of failure play havoc in my life and now that the worst has happened I seem to be almost uneffected. Its not that I don't care. Yes I do, ofcourse I do but I cared too much, I tried too much, gave too much and sometimes the trick lies in being a tad bit indifferrent and exiting gracefully knowing nothing more could have been done and you couldn't have done it any differently. This wasn't meant to be ever. This was only how long this journey was supposed to be.
Besides I feel unless this decision had been thrust on me I would have never ever chosen to opt out of this situation. I guess I don't really have the option but to go for it now. :-) I kept pushing it back year by year but now I won't wait too long. There is a time for everything, every bloody thing. Sometimes I feel damn is this how it was supposed to be? Then why the hell was I trying to fight against the wind? If something was right here in my backyard why wasn't I aware of its existence? Eeerie this is, all of it. :-) So where has it come from and where was it all this while and why the appearance now and why does it feel so familiar? Not the scary familar but the comfortable familiar, not the you gimme the creeps familar but the warm familar. No this isn't gonna save me cos no one but me saves myself but yes it might lead me to a different road and a new direction and I like the sound of that.