Promise yourself

"Regardless of your romantic situation at the moment, make a promise to yourself that you will love and respect yourself first. That you will treat yourself the way you know you deserve to be treated, and that you will not settle for anything less than everything."

I promised this to myself  last February. :)

Most days I feel like I am groping in the dark but I move on regardless of my fears which are omnipresent anyways. I fight my demons everyday. They ain't going away anywhere.

I think I am trying to live up to that promise. I am struggling everyday, more so since I began school at NUS and it isn't easy but I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

Happy days, picnics and wine buddies

Today was an almost happy day. I was happy doing nothing but listening to music and reading arbitration occasionally.

Today was U's birthday and S, K and I threw him a surprise picnic party at the Botanic gardens. S ordered Indian food and I bought the beer and K convinced U to come to college on the pretext of meeting S and there we were waiting for U with cupcakes and food and alcohol. :)

Today was also one of those rare days when A's state of mind seems to be in sync with mine.

 We were hanging out every now and then all day. Taking smoke breaks and coming back to the library to study. I love hanging out with A and listen to his stories about life, love and law school. Some days he reminds me of someone I knew more than half a decade back. I remember me being hopelessly in love with him then. I grew up of course and we went our different ways but not before I confessed my love for him. How innocent I was. I used to think if you love someone you should say it before its too late because you don't wanna die having that regret that you never told him how you felt.

Now its so different. One doesn't fall in love at all. I haven't drunk dialled or drunk texted anyone in such a long time save for Shivi maybe. I don't do these things anymore when I wake up in the morning with that funny feeling that all is not right with the world because my dialled calls list screams back at me of my stupidity. When did I grow up sooooo much that I am not silly and love struck at all?

I got drunk last night too and A and I were outside a club at Clark Quay cos we didn't feel like going in with the rest. We sat with our respective mini wine bottles talking about my fear of public speaking, his ex girlfriend who won't let him forget her and I laughed at him in my wine induced haze. Yeah I love these conversations we have after downing many wine bottles and I like it when a couple of days later he'll be talking to someone and he'll look at me saying 'remember I told you' and I'll be like 'yeah you did' and we'll nod at each other. A thinks he has told me about all these episodes and stories and expects me to know what he is talking about when he is relating it to someone else. He is the one person I spoke about my Dad to when we got drunk the first time. We never spoke about it again cos I didn't want him to think I want his sympathy. We are smoking buddies, wine buddies, sometimes library buddies. We are buddies and I like that. 

Love will come set me free I do believe still

Some days I still believe love will come set me free. Hahah! Silly me. On days like today when I have been fighting the blues last two days sometimes silly conversations make me smile. They don't mean anything to the other person but it brought a smile to my face just for that moment.

x- Things will fall into place. I promise they will and on that day you'll think of me.

Me- I already think of you. :)

Where were we?

Tidal waves of nostalgia are washing me away this morning. I woke up to grey grey skies followed by torrential rains. Reminded me of home and Calcutta and the girls who get so excited on a day like today. We message each other out of happiness because back home in India such days are to be cherished. 

I had no one to message but for P telling her I am homesick and we quickly made plans to meet up in the evening on the condition that I finish my paper by afternoon. I opened a new assignment that I have to submit in a month's time and there it was my Project Infrastructure question that took me back to Delhi and M and R and DIAL and all the work I did there and the airport looming larger than life. The airport that I saw built before my very eyes and became a part of my daily life and the airport that'll always occupy a prized place in my heart. What I am today professionally and all the effortless answering  I do in my Projects Infrastructure class is all because of that project.

 I went through my old work material, the contracts I worked out, the silly letters I drafted  and I had tears in my eyes. Those 2 and a half years there and I never realised I'd someday look back so fondly at those days. I keep moving on and on, changing cities and jobs and leaving people behind and I feel I won't look back but I do look back. All that I thought I wanted to be then and all that I thought I couldn't be then I just might be tomorrow because of the lessons learnt there. 

Do I even dare to dream of working in a construction law firm? Sigh!

The only class where I feel I know more than everybody else in class put together is Project Infrastructure. Haha!

One of the few advantages for having worked in this field for over 5 years as opposed to freshers.

So I shouldn't feel so cool about myself. :p

I am quite a dodo in the rest.

On today because it is far from being a fairytale

Last night when I finally finished my quota of 1000 words actually 1100 words per day of my PIL research paper I looked at the time and it was 11:10 PM. I was told by Sans on Skype that I should call it a day. I was hesitant initially thinking well I won't write anymore but let me read something from another module. I opened the China-Asean Air Services Agreement to read but left it after superficially skimming through the document. I had to unwind. I had been sitting from 1 in the afternoon and my grey cells had actually gone on the sleep mode.

Even a short span of 10 months at Grad School isn't lacking drama given that the kids from India who are my contemporaries here are already knee deep in petty politics and hard core back biting. I don't miss being a part of all this. Haha! It is such fun being the bystander and watch them get harassed over such trivialities. It is hilarious how us Indians carry a bit of India with us wherever we go.

So last night I switched my Kindle on and read a bit of Julie and Julia. Julie was in her 30th year when she took the challenge of making 524 of Julia Child's recipes in 365 days and maintain a blog of it. This was way back in 2002. I tried to find similarities between the protagonist and me just to inspire myself saying if Julie could make 524 of those complicated french dishes in 365 days then I can also finish all my papers and assignments on time. Alas the only similarity between us is the age and the desire to do something different besides the daily monotony of life.

My life is hardly monotonous now. Hmmmm okay yes reading all the time and writing is monotonous but I am not stuck somewhere I didn't wanna be. It'll get over before I know it in 8 and a half months. I have my panic moments almost everyday when I am convinced my writing is going nowhere and there isn't any flow of thought and coherence is too much to ask for. I don't think about my grades because it is pointless. I don't know how this is gonna be. Some days I console myself saying there is only so much stress you can take in one day so don't lose hope. This is the worst it can get for today.

Today I am going to the library and studying. I need some human interaction today which is beyond whatsapp voice notes, skype and viber.

If today was a fairytale it would be 11th May, 2014 all my 10 modules would be over and I would have successfully completed 40 credits required to get that LLM degree. I would have finished all assignments, papers, moots, exams without any setbacks but for the regular panicking. If only today was that fairytale. 

Some days I have very little to say but that missing is happening.

I am missing my girls soooo much. Right from S to M to Tinni to Nish Mish and the mad bunch.

And of course my crazy lil baby sister who is married now. I can't wait to hang out with her and my brother in law in Hyderabad.

Tinni, Dia and Nisha sent me the most adorable, drunken voice note last night on whatsapp that transported me back to Cal to Tinni's place, one of those happily wine buzzed evenings.

I miss my people and it is as plain and simple as that.

I still wanna travel the world and go live in different places but I want my people around.

That is too much to ask for I know.

When I am hanging out with Riona or P here then I am absolutely at home.

One and a half months have gone. Some days pass by achingly slowly and some days just flash past by.

I wonder where all this shall lead. :)

Summing up my day

That pretty much sums up my day.

Turkey and Ham pasta and home made Iced Tea for dinner at a hawker centre behind my place.

Pasta cheered me up since I am sitting at home alone on a Friday evening, reading and reading those books. Seems endless the readings.

I am still not convinced about doing nothing on a Friday evening.

I'll slap anyone who says this will be worth it. I don't know anything about my grades. 

Midnight cravings

I am feeling ham, cheese, egg and tomato sandwich hungry.

I am feeling New York Cheese Cake hungry.

It is 1:43 in the morning. There is no need to express these cravings of mine.

My roomie is busy screaming at her parents for having transferred funds to a wrong bank account or is it the wrong bank address. No idea. Alien language so I only understand bits and pieces of the conversation.

There is only so much of  Sources of International Law  one can read in a day.

The sight of freshly done laundry hanging on the clothes line on a sunny day makes me happy. 

I thought you would have made something of your life by now.

Yes I thought I would. Sometimes it feels so late and sometimes it feels like I have only just begun. I want all the time in the world but I don't have that frame of mind anymore. The 24 frame of mind. I am not 24 anymore. Hell I stopped being 24 five years back but that number somehow stuck on to my head. If there was one year I could relive I would want that year to be played again.

I get stuck in this limbo these days when I have bad days and good days and all are directly proportionate to how much reading and studying did I get done and how far have I reached with respect to my research papers. I know I am not the first one to go to Grad School but this feels like a tremendous burden. It does.

Some days I can't wait to head back home and some days I wish I could  go live and work in a different country. Mixed emotions.

Last week I was religiously recording my Public International Law lectures on my phone and laptop so that I could go back home and listen to it within the quiet confines of my room. I still haven't gotten down to doing that though.

Thursday evenings are date nights with two of my girls at Orchard Road. First I meet R and jabber about the world and exchange gossip regarding school friends and eat lots of yummy food of the fattening variety and console ourselves saying 'we lead such active lives here as opposed to India. It'll all get burnt with all the walking' followed by my session with P when we drink coffee and complain about our lives and various people and we are so nasty and unforgiving I must say.

Studying interspersed with smoke breaks with interesting people doesn't help. They distract you so no more silly little smoke breaks and no more downloading lovely music while reading. Yet again I only keep listening to the song on a loop and the article gets wiped off my brain and all I am left with is a couple of ridiculous lyrics of random songs floating in my subconscious mind which is anyways devoid of any sense.

So when is a good time to stop reading and begin writing? Seriously? Somebody please tell me. Hmmmphhhh!

You only hate the road when you are missing home.

Season of introspection and retrospection and letting go.

I am in love with this song.

My current state of mind

At 30 I handle alcohol and heartbreaks way better than I ever have.

Handling alcohol better wasn't easy. It was an effort that lasted over a year and a half and I schooled myself to drink only as much I can handle and you know what I think I succeeded.

 I think I have finally managed to put some demons to rest. Yes I have.

Heartbreaks don't hurt as bad. They feel more like crushes that aren't reciprocated. My whole world doesn't collapse around me anymore. But I do get irritated  cos sometimes you just want that person to respond for no logical reason whatsoever but for the fact that you like him and want him to feel the same.

I am falling in love with a subject I gave up on 12 years back. I'll never get to pursue it since I chose another field rather grudgingly and I have been making my living out of it the better part of the last 7 years but it does give rise to lot of 'what ifs'. Sigh!

I stress all the time about my weekly assignments and the month end research papers to submit. That is the first thought as I open my eyes in the morning. But all of us in the batch, regardless of age and nationality are going through the very same feelings so I am a lot more at ease now. 

You don't always make a fool of yourself

Anyone who knows me closely knows how petrified I am of public speaking. I do it only when I am forced to. By public speaking I mean standing on a podium and talking or on a dias. I love negotiations and discussions but addressing a crowd isn't my favourite past time unlike many lawyers I know who are brilliant orators.

Today I just finished with my first presentation at NUS and the module that required me to address the class wasn't even my forte. It is this subject called Intellectual Property Right Evaluation and I have been struggling with this for the last two weeks. However this assignment shall be accounting for 20 % of the assessment so I actually got down to getting my act together. I prepared for the presentation all over the Law School, from the library to the sunny staircase to the benches in the green field and it finally went off quite well.

But I have to confess there was this one moment when the presenter before me was going on at such a fast pace and I was secretly thinking okay I cannot speak so fastly and I wanna run away but how can I possibly do that when I am in a room full of undergraduate students who seem to have gotten used to my Indian presence and some of them are even a tad bit friendly with me.

 I have to mention my Aussie Professor though who has been so welcoming and understanding to someone with my work history where I have hardly dealt with IP rights the last 6 years. I don't know how this module is ever gonna help me but then again who knows. Thank you soooo much Prof for your words of encouragement.

So my weekend spent in indulging in nefarious activities like getting uselessly inebriated and dancing to "balam pichkaari" till 3 in the morning to throwing tantrums for romantic interests to come and pacify me,  didn't really have a downside. ;)

 

And I keep trying like I always have

I think I am back.

Singapore has been an eye opener of sorts. I am so out of any comfort zone that existed back home.

Till a few days back I kept asking myself why did I do this to myself? Hopefully I'll have a more convincing answer 10 months down the line once I graduate.

There are days when I feel I am the biggest idiot walking on planet Earth and there are days when I feel no there just might be some substance in those grey cells of mine.

I am surrounded by serious 22 year old Singaporean students or over excited 25 year old Indian post grad students and then there is me who turned 30 last Saturday.

I know where I wanna be, now I do but I don't know how will I find my way there given the bad markets and pronationalist Singaporean policies. Sigh!

I am struggling. But I try and I fight the blues tooth and nail every single day.

I shall live. I shall still live.

When I was 23 a friend set me up with her geeky cousin who in hind sight was a sweet boy. He was a book worm, addicted to sci-fi books and animated series and flicks. I would actually wake up at 6:30 AM every day and sit yawning in front of the TV to catch the latest episode of the cartoon series just so we could talk about it. Some days he would wake me up through consecutive missed calls ensuring I didn’t miss the episode. Those were the days of when missed calls meant more than just calls that were missed. Missed calls mostly meant call me back right now cause I don’t have balance or it meant call me back later cause Mum won’t let me use her phone and she gets an itemised bill at the end of month and she’ll get to know exactly which boy I have been romancing over the phone, at the most unearthly hours. I digress. So the boy took me out a couple of times and we went trapezing on his bike around the entire city, went for walks on the beach, had ice creams and one day he got me a soft toy. It was a dog and I named it Jumble. I was young, just out of college, waiting to begin my first job and despite thinking I was mature beyond my years, I actually loved that soft, fuzzy toy. Jumble got lost somewhere along way, shifting cities and jobs, time and time again.


The boy and I parted as we began, as friends. Boys and men have come and gone. We meet and we part. Like someone said men come and go and they indeed do. Now that I shall turn 30 some people who are total killjoys tell me that there’ll come a time when age would have played havoc with your looks and men won’t find you attractive anymore. In short they are warning me against the perils of being the possible old maid or spinster. I laugh and ask them what makes them think that I have always had a constant stream of admirers throughout my twenties and not that I surround myself with men who fancy me and have never done so. I don’t flatter myself about the men in my life. Of course I do revel in the periodic bouts of attention when I can’t stop gushing about someone but there has never been any guarantee of uninterrupted attention and no stable relationship and it has all been so transitory. So yeah for now I am gonna hope something good does come along someday and if and when it doesn’t come, well I shall live. I shall still live.

Small things that give me great pleasure

I spent an entire weekend meeting up with friends. They were mostly old friends and one new friend. How happy I was amidst them! Friends make so much of a difference. Every day I get a little bit older and every day I realise how important it is to surround myself with friends. I won’t always have the good fortune to have all of them around and most of them come and go and some stay stuck to me despite the distance but whatever time we spent emanates happiness. I look back at the times and there is this feeling of comfort.


An old friend from school is getting married and she came down from London just a week before her wedding and all 5 of us met up together after some 10, 12 years for her Bachelorette on Saturday. I have met each of them individually separately over the years but never together since we all went our own way, studying in different places, living different lives and there we were gathering around one of us to celebrate Raka getting married and what a merry time we had. We were joined by the three of the husbands too later and the party only got better. The men in their lives had to make their presence felt. Haha!

Beginning today another one of my closest friends is getting married so basically I have two weddings to attend simultaneously. In the middle I went through this phase when I found weddings tiresome. I still find the dressing up part to be a tad bit annoying but when I think of meeting school friends again and again an entire week it is a small price to pay. Tinni is having a old fashioned Bengali wedding complete with aashirwad and the works. Raka is having a new age vedic ceremony followed by an after party. I am giving Tinni a coffee table that I have gone great lengths to get made. I so hope she likes it. Raka wanted us to donate money to a cancer charity as a wedding gift to her, a cause which is very close to her heart.

I saw Hotel Transylvania with K yesterday and loved it. We laughed and laughed at Dracula’s new protective daddy avatar. Later we were in Zara having a drink and talking aimlessly about how we dread Mondays and random holidays we plan to take this year. I enjoy hanging out with him and S. They make me laugh with their outlandish perspective of life and extreme sarcasm. Being in Cal has become easier since I met both of them. Wonder what is in store for me the coming year.

I have my phases of existential angst a little too often off late but I am gonna fight it tooth and nail. I refuse to give in to that inexplicable empty feeling. I promised myself I shall not whatever that might take.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Swinging by the moon

I am missing the advent of winter in Delhi. I remember the hours spent curled up under my quilt with a book, feeling the warmth from the blower and watching episode after episode of Sex and the City and reading in shifts. I remember last winter rather vividly, the sudden welcome nip in the air in November and my stay in Dhaula Kuan, then December when the cold started spreading its icy fingers reaching into all those nooks and corners. I went for a holiday to Yercaud not before getting happily drunk on Christmas Eve with J. I remember lazing around on my aunt’s terrace in Chennai with Tinni. (They are leaving that house this month and how I’ll miss it cos I won’t have a place to stay in Chennai hereafter. ) I remember ushering in the New Year in Taj Coromaldel since we couldn’t find a better place to go and funny new year that was because ours began with a bang literally when I stepped on a chocolate bomb while talking on the phone on the morning of 1st January, 2012. That must have been sign enough.


So much happened this year and so much did not. Sigh! I was in Delhi 2 weeks back after 7 months and it didn’t feel like I ever left it. I wined and dined with M and chatted for hours and I realised how much I miss having her around my life on a regular basis. I hung out with Shivi too cos strangely she was in town around the same time. We walked around Khan Market reminiscing old days and hell we’ve had so much of history attached with this city. Then I tell myself well I have T now here in Cal and we make do with each other rather fabulously most times.

Next December where shall I be? If all goes as planned it’ll be a summery Christmas for me. Not before I take a leap of faith of course and this time it would actually mean exactly that. To say I am being unusally optimistic about this would be an understatement. Haha!


I am just gonna wait and watch to see how this unfolds.

 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

"They say that there are three kinds of people in the world. There are people who never learn one way or another anything; there are people who learn from their own mistakes, eventually and with great pain; and then there are the really wise people who learn from other people’s mistakes and spare themselves the suffering. And I’m in that middle category. I’m an empiricist. A lot of stuff I have to fail at spectacularly, in person, in order to understand it."

Elizabeth Gilbert