Can I have it all?

Someday  am gonna miss all these books and all this studying. Someday again an upcoming exam won't be the only tribulation in my life. That day I'll miss all of this madness and frenzy to complete my syllabus. Cheers to all of this today. I know I won't have this tomorrow. It'll be over before I know and it'll be back to the drudgery of daily life. Hopefully I shall find something new to look forward to even then. However much I crib and whine every day there are moments like this when I am reminded I am where I wanted to be for now at least.

Hope I find a workplace that shall have rows and rows of Construction Law Journals stacked neatly in shelves like in the CJ Koh Library here, waiting to be discovered by me. :) I am being too idealistic. Even if I do, there shall be some catch to it, like a neurotic boss and psycho nasty colleagues or a bad pay scale. Sigh! We cannot ever ever have it all. 

Thirty isn't too old or is it?

I got high on apple cider last night. I am getting older. This is how you realise you are 30. You wake up in the morning with a hangover because you drank 4 bottles of cider. Like seriously!  My drunk stories ain't that drunk anymore. They are more of happy and buzzed stories when I have a great time over  barbq and conversations on modules and how all of us are dying together. I am not the only one having a tough time. So many of us hold the same views and opinion on the way of living here, how you are not allowed to think for yourself. I thought being an Indian I was probably being too critical but I was speaking to an Indonesian, a Thai girl and a Vietnamese classmate and they felt the same. I don't share a single module with them but they have had the same experiences and they get the same vibes I do from the Singaporeans. I wasn't imagining all of that.

The only reason I get offered notes in my PIL class is because I am good friends with Andy and Bettina who are Swiss. If not for the Swiss none of the Singaporeans would come out and offer me their carefully comprised notes. I get the fact that my brown skin will be held against me. I was under the impression it is more to do with my race so if I was an oriental they would be more friendly. I was wrong because my mates belonging to neighbouring countries and happening to be South East Asian are treated with the same disdain. So last evening we were exchanging notes and it was amazing how each one of  us had similar stories to tell without ever having discussed it with each other. But to be honest I am not so sensitive about this racial profiling. Given that it is Singapore I am more than happy going back and working in India.

This isn't some fascinating city I see myself in. If this was London or New York I wouldn't have given a  rat's arse to racialism at this level and stayed on and tried to make it there. There has to be more to a city than just clean roads, greenery, well managed traffic, malls and more malls. I love the safety bit. I love the fact that I can wear whatever I want and walk out anytime of the day without men checking me out from head to toe, without men mentally undressing me, without being objectified, without being felt up, without being scared that I am gonna get raped. I love all of this and this should be the case in any civilised city but sadly it isn't so in my country. But this isn't enough for me at least to stay on. I so miss my people. People make a city or it has to be as fabulous as a New York, Paris or a London and this place is far from that. I haven't been to those cities so I shouldn't be talking like I am authority on having lived there but I am so sure they are more interesting cities to live, work and stay while you are still young. :) Come now thirty isn't too old and I am not gonna stop dreaming, trying to get where I want to. Not as yet. 

I confess I am feeling rather happy today. I just uploaded my last written assignment for this semester. A 3000 word essay on the "written requirement" under the New York Convention. I went bonkers with the plagiarism check and just before I submitted it I realised I had gone dreadfully wrong with my footnoting. It took the better part of the hour between 2 to 3 rectifying that and finally I could heave a sigh of relief.

I have also chosen my modules for the next semester and needless to say it isn't getting any easier. Sigh! But of course 4 written exams to go before I can think of the new modules. The last three in succession and that shall be a trial by fire. I haven't given any exams in 7 years.:( Next semester Business & Finance is gonna kill me beautifully, skillfully and ever so slowly. I am so hoping I get the chance to be killed by it. Hmmmmm..... Bring it on.

 But dear Lord could I please pass these 5 modules first without flunking in any and without having to defend myself against any plagiarism charges. Please pleaseeeeeee! 

And when I least expect it something reminds me of Dad. Like this childhood friend of mine on Facebook. We haven't met in years and years but we belong to the common fauji background. Her Dad was in the army and to top that her brother joined the same battalion my Dad is from and her fiance is an infantry officer too. Anytime she puts up a status on us army kids or brats I feel so nostalgic for the childhood I had and mostly the Father who isn't there anymore. Baba not a day goes by when I don't think of you in some way or the other.You are always there somewhere around in my thoughts. It isn't that mind numbing empty restless ache anymore but that void will forever be there. You are missed. I hope I can in my own small way make you proud of me. Right now though everything seems like a maze and I seem to be stumbling, getting up, falling down and trying to walk in the direction of the light wondering where is this light coming from. No answers as yet. 

One month, six days to go and I am done with Semester 1. I can't hardly wait. I am gonna run away from Singapore that day to KL. 3 days there and off to India for a month. Yeayyyy!

But of course I need to get done with 4 exams before that. 

And I am plain tired of all this.

I am tired.

I am tired of writing, writing, reading and writing some more and again writing. I keep looking out of the window and the view is so pretty and green and all I want to do is walk around, stare at the blue skies, appreciate the green leafiness of the trees juxtaposed against the blueness of the skies. I wanna worry about my appearance, my eyebrows that have grown into a forest, my nails that are screaming for a manicure and the feet that'll die for a pedicure. I want to be able to surf the net, read random articles, blogs, food blogs, strange blogs, the New Yorker, the Rumpus, Rebelle Society. I want to read the remaining bit of Julie and Julia in one sitting on my Kindle. I wanna go for a run and pant and pant and feel my muscles being stretched and come back home and take a warm water shower with the most aromatic of bath gels and just stand under the shower and feel the warm water over my naked body. I wanna shop for clothes without worrying about the burden it'll cast on my pocket. I wanna wear lipgloss and colourful eyeliners and colour co-ordinate my clothes and make up and shoes. I wanna buy shoes, slip ons, chappals, moccasins. I wanna go out for  drinks with my favourite people at our favourite haunts, order as many plates of crispy lamb and chilly pork and have as many glasses of Bloody Marys, Margheritas and Screw Drivers.

I wanna do all the above without worrying about papers, assignments and exams and this excruciating fear of failure. I am missing out on life at some levels I feel. I am gaining knowledge and yada yada yada but it doesn't help that while all I did was to sit cooped up in this darned stupid CJ Koh library during the festive season, everyone back home only spoke about the delicious food they feasted on, the range of colourful outfits they wore, the amazing times with loved ones, the gaiety and fun and frolic in the air and I was in this clinical and sterile country where every thing is so mechanical. People don't have conversations while travelling in buses. They are busy playing with their phones and tablets. They hardly talk. Whispering out aloud in the library is also greeted with raised eyebrow and a frown by a local Singaporean. I have one really good friend but she seems to be an anomaly amongst the rest. She is like us Indians, loud, giggly, loves to chatter. The Europeans are so much more friendly and forthcoming. The chinese are reserved and suspicious by nature of foreigners especially Indians. But if you are white you'll be treated like God in this country. I see it everywhere. I don't plan to live here forever so it doesn't bother me.

 I think this is how your perspective changes once you head out. Not that one is treated as a first class citizen in India. I am so so aware of how things work out in India and the shortcomings of the system. I totally get why people once gone often do not wanna come back once they get a taste of life elsewhere. Singapore is fair to its citizens and I accept that. If you are a Singaporean citizen here then there would hardly be any discrimination based on your race, religion or economic status. In India we deal with discrimination everywhere but then we get used to it. Its inbuilt and when we want to get something done we know we'll have to approach the right people. For that you need money of course. In India a lot of it is about how much money do you have and do you know the right people and these two questions are repeated again and again in situation after situation? To think I still wanna go back to that is questionable. I guess its the fact that I don't like living without a support system and my people and at the end that is all that matters. 

Note to myself

So my moot got over. And of course I was grilled the most. Back in another lifetime too I would be scared but this time I was hell bent on doing decently and couldn't afford to make a fool of myself. Plus my case itself was weak. I don't know if I did well. I tried to hold my ground but I could have done better. My partner was really good with her pleadings and so supportive. Our memorial was better. Thank God for that. I spent precious hours drafting it. So that was one saving grace.

I am in familiar territory now trying to draft an opinion for the Project Infrastructure assignment but yet again I have to do well in this one. This is my field. I cannot give a substandard opinion. Not in this one. No excuses and no room for slip shoddy work. 

This is endless. :(  

I also discovered where my heart is.  

Note to myself: I wanna travel the world but wanna be based at home. 

Of stressful Sundays

Today has been a strange Sunday. I have been stressed all day with the moot problem which isn't much really but in my head it has taken on gigantic proportions. Sigh! I want enjoy this experience of studying and trying to grasp new things and interacting with so many new people from all over but I am always running this race to keep up the pace. On days like today I just loathe the work load. Maybe I complain too much and I am unable to detach myself as easily as others.

So we went to Club Street last night which has restaurants and clubs lined up one after the other in a row and the tables are all spilling out on the roads. It is such a pretty hilly road and A, K and I were sitting around on the pavement, smoking and just watching the world pass by and  it did feel like we were observing them through a kaleidoscope because there were people belonging to different races and nationalities hobnobbing with each other.T and U and came later and we all jointly came to the conclusion that this place is too expensive for our pockets and went off to Clark Quay to sit by the river and drink Jim Beam in Coke. I wasn't drinking though. I didn't wanna waste my Sunday nursing a hangover.  Of course drinking should not be synonymous with a hangover but sometimes old habits die hard minus any tomfoolery and "oh my gawd what did I do last night" moments.

I woke up worried of course. Ran to the library and have been there ever since. Yuck my memorial beckons. Pray I do well. :( 

Of moot courts and maccher jhol and P

I had this mini-panic attack today. It happened in the evening sometime between 4 to 5 in the library. I was trying to get the skeleton draft of my moot court submission in place and nothing was making sense. Words were flying all around me. I couldn't find a single case to support my stand and I was just drowning in this sea of moot court induced depression. How easily I sink into it and again come back to float. I flit in and flit out of these self made bubbles of depression every now and then. I scolded myself and said this is how you work yourself up and screw it all up. I went back to typing and trying to find some semblance of logic in the problem  and I guess I did.

I managed framing some issue, even found a mediocre case law to support my position. I haven't finished drafting, no Sir I haven't but I guess I'll make my way through. Besides you know my old enemy Mr. Public Speaking has yet again showed up and is staring at  my face. Yet another instance when those vocal cords of mine shall have to be exercised in front of a mock Arbitral Tribunal. Uffffff!!!!!!Wait it gets even better. I am pitted against my smart room mate and a smart Singaporean in these moots. Some days I can't believe I do this to myself again and again. I have only just gotten over the shock of the IP Presentation a month back. Hmmmphhh!!!

I had lovely machher jhol and bhaat made by P last night. I can't imagine Singy without her and our long, funny, bordering on bitter conversations while walking with Baby Butterfly on her stroller by the side of the river. Every time I have to leave her place to go home I get this wistful feeling. Sigh! This is how we get used to having each other around P. I am already getting ready to miss you once I am gone next May. 

Imagineeee being gung hooo once all of this is done!

Today was the first 2nd of October, in my life of 30 summers that wasn't a holiday. Imagine working on 2nd of October if you are in India. It is almost like sacrilege. Hehe!

I submitted my second assignment today, the one that had been killing me with all the research and the different schools of thought. Thank you soooo much PIL. I still don't have an answer to that question I have supposedly answered in the essay. But I enjoyed all the reading, I seriously did. You have started to make me believe that I can do 4000 word essays without losing my trail of thought. Never mind the panic attacks that sabotage my mind every now and then. Whewww am I not glad this one is over! Now let's get done with the next one and the next one and the next one and not to forget the moot court and four written exams.

Wow if I had ever know last year while applying to NUS that I wouldn't have time to breathe, I doubt I would have applied so enthusiastically. Hahah! Serves me right though for all the reading I never did on my own and all the classes I never attended in law school. :)

Now I am sitting quietly in the library by the window and enjoying the view while giving the finishing touches to the IP Evaluation paper. Sigh! There is also the arbitration moot looming in the background. This is clearly endless. Lemme get back to my books. Imagine my life once all this is done. :) Am I still gonna be this gung ho? Hehe!