Stars shining far away

So your sense of self worth shall come from a degree then ultimately. Is that how you think?

I don't know.  How else is it supposed to come in the present circumstances pray tell me? I don't wanna lose sight of my goals yet again in the pursuit of stars shining far away. I never seem to be able to reach to them anyways.  But if that point ever does come in the near future can I have them both that degree and personal happiness the way I want it.  

I don't wanna be anything other than what I have been trying to be lately. :-)

I love straying away from the sidewalks

Its Saturday evening and shockingly I am not dying to get out of office. It has been a relatively lazy day with me lunching at Asian 7 with Rishi and hurrying back to office but not before we checked out this 70% sale  at Mango. I tried out this pretty dress that looked very Bohemian but alas I need to lose 5 kgs before the dress falls properly on me. My weight issues will never cease to bother me.

The office is getting empty day by day. I wonder how long am I gonna be here. Its been one whole year at this Project and I am getting that itch to move out once again. But where to next should be the question? I so wanna fly fly fly and then come right back home. Meeting Shivi in the evening.  At least I won't be doing my usal "sitting at home on a Saturday night and watching a movie" thingy.

People at work are so fake and wierd. I always maintained my distance with them cos I never really looked for a social life at work. Some of them are jealous for the strangest of reasons and it has nothing to do with work related competition. And some just turn plain insensitive overnight and the reality being they'll never come around however much you wait for them to come around. No one is coming around this time.

On my knees

The last ten days have been a period of introspection and retrospection. There was good news, long awaited happy news and some bad news again. But I guess the bad news was all about how I take it and process it in my head. I went through the familiar pangs of this can’t be happening and I do not deserve this to this is what was meant to happen to Okie so what did I get out of this experience to yes I can get over with this and finally it was all in my head. I realized that sometimes sorting my life out or getting clarity is not as easy as let me start working out and everything else will fall into place. I know it sounds incredibly silly but the last couple of years I equated exercise to feeling good about myself and the first step towards getting my life back on track. Sadly this time working out seems to have lost that old magic. So introspection is working. I went  wrong with a couple of things in the middle. Actually to put it simply I went very very wrong in my thinking and to go back a couple of years and rectify that is such an effort and it cannot be superficial rectification. Will it sound cliché if I say I think I am finding myself all over again? Oh my God I sound so much like Miss Eat Pray Love on the road to self discovery. And to think this has nothing to do with my weight but the forever present I need to find my true calling once and for all.

 I was miserable initially but it is getting better each day. Each day that yuck feeling that I get early in the morning is weakening. Maybe one of these days when I wake up it’ll actually be gone. It was always like that for me when I was going through a testing time and I felt as low as I did for a period of time until one fine day I woke up to a different morning. Winters can be so trying. 2 years back it was Dad and last year it was some other issue and this year I think this is gonna be self discovery and believing in myself. That is gonna be toughest part.

It just feels like a bottomless pit of despair right now. Uffffff I am over and done with this now and this very moment. Enough is enough!!!!

And just like magic it was 2007 again....

My first post this year. Happy Happy New Year to all. Since I had one entire week of sun, sand and the sea I was a happy child indeed until I landed back in Delhi on 31st night at 11 pm. Yes can you imagine that I spent the beginning of this year on a cab way back home. That sinking feeling returned again as soon as I got out of the airport. Hmmmphhhhh! Need I say anything more. I don’t wanna go on and on about the same thing. This year Shivi and I have decided we wanna have different conversations cos we are mighty tired of having to talk about the similar things for almost a decade or so. Gawd are you listening? Take the hint for once pliss. Hehehe! 1st January was spent in bed entirely or I mean almost cos I was too lazy to get out and it was too cold and windy. In the evening when I finally got down to taking a long walk and buying my weekly groceries some loser on a bike tried to snatch my bag away and thankfully could not the bag being a huge leather one. Yesterday I was out for lunch with a friend of mine and we had yummy lunch in Big Chill at Khan Market and followed that up with a two hour chat at Barista with me speaking non-stop. Sometimes I just feel like talking and talking and yesterday was one of those days.

But the best part of the day was meeting Aben and the gang after more than 3 years. I have been in Delhi for a year and I haven’t met up with my old gang even once cos I never felt like it after the stupid fall out R and I had. We finally met up for a drink since Aben was in town. Wow it seemed just like old times with Aben, R, Atin and Ateet. I felt nothing had changed. It was a pleasant feeling when I realized that yes R and I can probably hang out again without bearing massive grudges against each other. Same old R ordering an LIIT and me with my fascination for Baileys and Aben complaining about how cold the draught beer was. We shared a hookah and reminisced old times. Atin welcomed me with his huge Atinish bear hug and Ateet as usal was like where the hell have you been woman and why don’t we see you more often. My reply of I live in a village and its kinda difficult getting out and coming to the city was met with laughter and we understand look. For a couple of hours in my head I went back to being what I used to be. Not that I can ever be a part of that happy family feeling again but it was lovely meeting them and just like magic it was 2007 again.