Jan 17, 2011

On my knees

The last ten days have been a period of introspection and retrospection. There was good news, long awaited happy news and some bad news again. But I guess the bad news was all about how I take it and process it in my head. I went through the familiar pangs of this can’t be happening and I do not deserve this to this is what was meant to happen to Okie so what did I get out of this experience to yes I can get over with this and finally it was all in my head. I realized that sometimes sorting my life out or getting clarity is not as easy as let me start working out and everything else will fall into place. I know it sounds incredibly silly but the last couple of years I equated exercise to feeling good about myself and the first step towards getting my life back on track. Sadly this time working out seems to have lost that old magic. So introspection is working. I went  wrong with a couple of things in the middle. Actually to put it simply I went very very wrong in my thinking and to go back a couple of years and rectify that is such an effort and it cannot be superficial rectification. Will it sound cliché if I say I think I am finding myself all over again? Oh my God I sound so much like Miss Eat Pray Love on the road to self discovery. And to think this has nothing to do with my weight but the forever present I need to find my true calling once and for all.

 I was miserable initially but it is getting better each day. Each day that yuck feeling that I get early in the morning is weakening. Maybe one of these days when I wake up it’ll actually be gone. It was always like that for me when I was going through a testing time and I felt as low as I did for a period of time until one fine day I woke up to a different morning. Winters can be so trying. 2 years back it was Dad and last year it was some other issue and this year I think this is gonna be self discovery and believing in myself. That is gonna be toughest part.

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