Jul 2, 2010

“So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.

There are these two Aussies chatting nineteen to dozen behind my back and man are they loud or not? On most days they have a smile to give me and always stop by my work station to say hi asking me how tis going. I cannot say the same about our Indian Bosses. Most of them don’t even smile unless they know you and they never, almost never make eye contact or maybe it is just me that they don’t like making eye contact with. Sigh! On my way back from a meeting today I was told that I might be posted over here for 5 years and I couldn’t believe my ears. Nooooooo I cannot imagine being in Delhi for so long. I can’t imagine being in any place for so long right now. I feel jumpy and impatient after sometime. I know I am the first person to crib about packing and moving and I hate the physical process entirely too much but yeah settling in, figuring my way out and find my own rhythm in a new city is good fun. Yeah our generation is way more mobile than our folks were. So many of us have lived in suitcases and continue moving cities, countries, continents, looking for greener pastures, always ready to make that switch and trying something new. I like that. I haven’t been able to do it the way I would have liked to though. But then we don’t always get what we want in life.

Today in the middle of a meeting amidst all that talk about what our future strategy should be I realized I need to slow down a little more. Slowing down is helping me and it has helped me immensely in the last couple of months. It has given me interesting insights on the sort of person I am and helped me calm down. For me being calm was the key and still is and shall continue to be. As long as I can remember I have been running behind all sorts of wrong things. Way too many unwanted, not needed thoughts in my head. My mind has been perpetually filled with these thoughts and I am always thinking. I wish I could go blank every now and then relieve my mind and give it a break but my mind refuses to take a holiday for even a nano second. I am never blank. So a couple of months back I found this picture of a post it on thingsweforget.blogspot.com which said “Slow down and the things you are chasing will catch up with you.” and it totally inspired me. This was so written for the likes of me.

I have been a teeny meeny bit confused lately. I finally saw through some of it. I know I did the right thing. Why does my conscience have to be larger than life? It is so so irritating sometimes when black and white are starkly different from one another and all you want is a grey just so you don’t have to make any choices. I found my grey and to think in my head it was a white before. Wow how the mighty have fallen or rather how the illusions were shattered. I don’t play it safe all the time. No I seldom play it safe. I’ll never learn. Hahaha!

Something I have realised the last couple of months. I don't envy as much anymore.I mean hardly. I am only human and I am allowed some of it. But it is so much better than before. Thank God for that. I don't want things that I know I cannot get right now. I was speaking to an old friend of mine the other day after a long time. I knew him when I was twenty two, foolish and with impossible dreams in my eyes. Strange how you forget your dreams or how they get lost somewhere in the dusty alleys and back waters of life but someone you loved once upon a time didn't forget the dreamy you. He said something to the effect that everytime he goes to a bookstore he hopes that someday I'll surprise him when he sees my name staring back at him, sitting on one of those book shelves. (I never give myself or my writing that much credit. I was embarassed when he said so.)He said he hoped someday I get to live the life of my dreams where I always wanted to. Ah well. We grow up.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

Oprah Winfrey


Dee said...

What you have written here echos what has been on my mind as well for few months now...and i realised the solution to most confusion is silence, silence in your mind. A wordless focus on yourself. Words lead to thoughts and thoughts may disappoint you. Keeping away from the joining together of alphabets only to form that cringe and sorrowful tug in your heart is a very good idea..

Paroma said...

My heart was aching while reading this. And then you wrote "Ah well. We grow up."

The aching hasn't stopped. Not yet. *Sigh*