And I'll never be satisfied until there is nothing left that I haven't tried."

“Do you know what you are getting into before you make snap decisions like that?”

“Its worked with me 27 years of my life. I mean almost.”

“Sounds fair but hear me out. This time it is gonna be slightly different.”


Years later when I look back that one evening and one conversation we had in my room in the lamp light, you on my bed and me on my orange chattai, will be the one memory that stands out in the many hundreds of memories I have of you.

Moving on to more happy things. Supriya and I went a teeny meeny bit berserk yesterday as she encouraged me to shop till I drop for Goa. I began rather innocently wanting to pick up a pair of shorts from the sale and landed up with a complete alternate wardrobe for Goa. Sigh! I can’t wait to wear all that colourful clothing. Tee hee! Such excitement I say.

I began last week rather tearfully with my usal melodrama and ended it on a cheerful note shopping with Sup. That was just what the doctor ordered cos my mid-week blues threatened to overcome all the possible happiness. We spoke and spoke and even if we meet once in 6 months and don’t talk on the phone at all but for the g talk sessions once in a while, it is so easy to talk to her as one can say of close friends. I didn’t feel like going back to my empty house and to my thoughts on a Saturday evening so I stayed out till 10:30. By the time I got back I was filled to the brim with glee over my newly acquired clothes and the usal thrill over my new bath gel, shampoo, face scrub etc. Gawddd how I love such simple pleasures.

Guess what I picked up the other day? A pedestal fan. Yes my ceiling fan is good for nothing and having the AC on all the time is proving to be a lil expensive on my pockets especially in this rainy season as many a time you don’t need the AC at all but for my useless ceiling fan. So here I am with a brand new white pedestal fan that works beautifully and transports me to my very own windy land. I carried it on a cycle rickshaw all the way from Sector 12 to Sector 7 where I live much to the amusement of the passersby.

As I type all of this down I realize I have had no profound realization off late that I would like to share or nothing funny to relate. I am just babbling for nothing. There was one heart rending conversation that shall play on my mind forever but then that is all. I am actually living one day to the other not planning at all. Wowwww! When did this happen?

Love The Way You Lie

Dearest Habit,

I was at home today, all of today. I sat at home all day doing nothing but reading my Charlie Parker mystery by John Connolly. Speaking of which I am a sucker for this guy’s writing. Has anyone ever tried reading his thrillers? He is Irish American I believe but his descriptions transport me effortlessly to snow covered misty Brooklyn on a gloomy evening or the dark and smelly alleys of not a so alluring New York. Okie I seem to be digressing cos originally this was supposed to be addressed to Habit. Maybe you Habit need to be forgotten completely now.

Now Habit has lived past the expiry date one way or the other. So time to say goodbye darling. I know Habit thinks I cannot seem to do this but I can do it with a little bit off brainwashing. I am mighty good at it. You don’t know how well I’ll do it and manage convincing myself that I’ll never be able to be at the same point ever again.Batty thinks if I could quit smoking I can quit Habit too. So I guess I shall.

Dearest darling adorable Habit who always wants everything at his own convenience. One year of having Habit around I actually cannot imagine a Habit less existence. Habit who in the recent times has always been around for me in one way or the other and to think I am kicking Habit away literally. I think it is the idea which shall be missed more or the feeling of the life that could have been. That perfect picture that you made up in your mind of how you saw yourself living that life. I blew that picture out of proportion with reality in my head. Ah well if I could say goodbye to my dreams of working/studying where I wanted to for the longest time then I can turn my back to this too.

Damn I waited for so so long. I was more than patient thinking it has to fall into place someday. I even got glimpses of it bubbling somewhere underneath. I walked down other paths only to come back to this one until the other day it hit me that I can keep walking down this path and there won’t ever be an end to this. Can you make a mistake and miss your fate? I wonder. I’ll keep wondering always I guess. Hell.

Love,

Me

"So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes.”

Sarah Jessica Parker

My Sins Against Gender Stereotypes

Paroma tagged me on this one and I had to, had to do this one.

If you are a woman,
Have you ever wanted something that is considered ‘manly’ ? Like a basketball, a cell phone, a dog, a camera or a new laptop? A new car or motor bike? Ever wanted to be a pilot? A doctor or not a nurse? And the manliest want of them all – The remote!
As a kid did you enjoy playing with a bat and a ball?
There was a time when books were considered ‘manly’, women authors had to pretend to be men – would you say books are still rather manly – women should want to embroider and crochet?

If you are a man,
Have you ever wanted something that only women are supposed to want – like bags, shoes, clothes, creams, perfumes, babies, flowers? A peaceful home and a happy family? Have you ever been afraid of the dark or of insects?
As a kid did you ever want to play ‘teacher-teacher’, cooking or did you like playing with a doll? Have you ever enjoyed cooking? Bought something in pink? Loved chocolates?
My possible sins:-
1) I was the quintessential tomboy as a child and could climb any tree, every tree. I think I spent a better part of my years between the ages of 5 and 10 on trees. I even made sure all the elders around me spent a better part dissuading me not to try another one of those trees or persuading me to come down with my timid companions who would have been tempted to achieve the same feat only to reach the top and realize they are terrified while I felt I was on top of the world. I loved heights. I think I still do. I remember climbing the tank of our 12th floor building with my sister and there was no railing whatsoever and I got such a high just lying down looking at the sky or staring down at the ground from the enormous height. I felt giddy with excitement.

2) My legs are scarred for life as a result of running through a glass door. Okie I was all of 12 and we were playing hide and seek and I got some 57 stitches on my right leg and my name was etched in the history of the Army Club for being the only girl to have ran through the fibre glass door. From thereon they had a red sign painted on the door and put flower pots in front of them to prevent such accidents.

3) I have carried a my very own small size almirah from the first floor to the ground floor on to a van all by myself with a little help from the driver of course. I don’t wait around for people to come and help me with my luggage ever. I think I am quite strong. Hehehe! Think Pune did that to me. The constant shuffling of houses all those years really helped.

4) I did hate playing with dolls as a child. I much preferred running around, driving my neighbours up the wall, ringing their bells and running away, climbing roofs, walls, exploring, being out of the house constantly. I hated sitting around in one place playing "Houses". I had some 10 Barbie dolls whose hair I chopped off out of boredom. I had toy trains and cars that Dad got me and I loved playing with them.

4) I somehow don’t think that reading books can even be related to gender stereo types you are either a book worm or you are not one. I have always been one and most of my women friends love reading just as much as I do if not more though our tastes might vary but we are always recommending books to each other.

Come to think of it the term the term Gender Stereotype is losing its significance as times change. I mean there would be a very fine line or maybe the lines are blurred. No more is it about you are supposed to do something a particular way just cause you are a girl/woman. I have realized being girly has its own benefits. I actually fell in love with cooking when I never expected myself to be the sorts who’d be able to whip up a meal but now I can and thank god for that. I do get some strange sense of pleasure knowing the kitchen is clean, the loos are sparkling, my cupboard is tip top and everything is in its rightful place. I am a cleanliness freak and I don’t just do it cos I have to do it but cos I like everything around me in order. I wasn’t born like this but over the years I have become like this. Neatness and orderliness has helped me. So yeah at times I can be as girly as girly can get and at times I can be oh so reckless and refuse to pay heed to traditions. Guess it is about best of both the worlds. It is about being independent, doing your own thing, managing everything. So yes I do it my way.

“So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.

There are these two Aussies chatting nineteen to dozen behind my back and man are they loud or not? On most days they have a smile to give me and always stop by my work station to say hi asking me how tis going. I cannot say the same about our Indian Bosses. Most of them don’t even smile unless they know you and they never, almost never make eye contact or maybe it is just me that they don’t like making eye contact with. Sigh! On my way back from a meeting today I was told that I might be posted over here for 5 years and I couldn’t believe my ears. Nooooooo I cannot imagine being in Delhi for so long. I can’t imagine being in any place for so long right now. I feel jumpy and impatient after sometime. I know I am the first person to crib about packing and moving and I hate the physical process entirely too much but yeah settling in, figuring my way out and find my own rhythm in a new city is good fun. Yeah our generation is way more mobile than our folks were. So many of us have lived in suitcases and continue moving cities, countries, continents, looking for greener pastures, always ready to make that switch and trying something new. I like that. I haven’t been able to do it the way I would have liked to though. But then we don’t always get what we want in life.

Today in the middle of a meeting amidst all that talk about what our future strategy should be I realized I need to slow down a little more. Slowing down is helping me and it has helped me immensely in the last couple of months. It has given me interesting insights on the sort of person I am and helped me calm down. For me being calm was the key and still is and shall continue to be. As long as I can remember I have been running behind all sorts of wrong things. Way too many unwanted, not needed thoughts in my head. My mind has been perpetually filled with these thoughts and I am always thinking. I wish I could go blank every now and then relieve my mind and give it a break but my mind refuses to take a holiday for even a nano second. I am never blank. So a couple of months back I found this picture of a post it on thingsweforget.blogspot.com which said “Slow down and the things you are chasing will catch up with you.” and it totally inspired me. This was so written for the likes of me.

I have been a teeny meeny bit confused lately. I finally saw through some of it. I know I did the right thing. Why does my conscience have to be larger than life? It is so so irritating sometimes when black and white are starkly different from one another and all you want is a grey just so you don’t have to make any choices. I found my grey and to think in my head it was a white before. Wow how the mighty have fallen or rather how the illusions were shattered. I don’t play it safe all the time. No I seldom play it safe. I’ll never learn. Hahaha!

Something I have realised the last couple of months. I don't envy as much anymore.I mean hardly. I am only human and I am allowed some of it. But it is so much better than before. Thank God for that. I don't want things that I know I cannot get right now. I was speaking to an old friend of mine the other day after a long time. I knew him when I was twenty two, foolish and with impossible dreams in my eyes. Strange how you forget your dreams or how they get lost somewhere in the dusty alleys and back waters of life but someone you loved once upon a time didn't forget the dreamy you. He said something to the effect that everytime he goes to a bookstore he hopes that someday I'll surprise him when he sees my name staring back at him, sitting on one of those book shelves. (I never give myself or my writing that much credit. I was embarassed when he said so.)He said he hoped someday I get to live the life of my dreams where I always wanted to. Ah well. We grow up.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

Oprah Winfrey