Promise yourself

"Regardless of your romantic situation at the moment, make a promise to yourself that you will love and respect yourself first. That you will treat yourself the way you know you deserve to be treated, and that you will not settle for anything less than everything."

I promised this to myself  last February. :)

Most days I feel like I am groping in the dark but I move on regardless of my fears which are omnipresent anyways. I fight my demons everyday. They ain't going away anywhere.

I think I am trying to live up to that promise. I am struggling everyday, more so since I began school at NUS and it isn't easy but I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

Happy days, picnics and wine buddies

Today was an almost happy day. I was happy doing nothing but listening to music and reading arbitration occasionally.

Today was U's birthday and S, K and I threw him a surprise picnic party at the Botanic gardens. S ordered Indian food and I bought the beer and K convinced U to come to college on the pretext of meeting S and there we were waiting for U with cupcakes and food and alcohol. :)

Today was also one of those rare days when A's state of mind seems to be in sync with mine.

 We were hanging out every now and then all day. Taking smoke breaks and coming back to the library to study. I love hanging out with A and listen to his stories about life, love and law school. Some days he reminds me of someone I knew more than half a decade back. I remember me being hopelessly in love with him then. I grew up of course and we went our different ways but not before I confessed my love for him. How innocent I was. I used to think if you love someone you should say it before its too late because you don't wanna die having that regret that you never told him how you felt.

Now its so different. One doesn't fall in love at all. I haven't drunk dialled or drunk texted anyone in such a long time save for Shivi maybe. I don't do these things anymore when I wake up in the morning with that funny feeling that all is not right with the world because my dialled calls list screams back at me of my stupidity. When did I grow up sooooo much that I am not silly and love struck at all?

I got drunk last night too and A and I were outside a club at Clark Quay cos we didn't feel like going in with the rest. We sat with our respective mini wine bottles talking about my fear of public speaking, his ex girlfriend who won't let him forget her and I laughed at him in my wine induced haze. Yeah I love these conversations we have after downing many wine bottles and I like it when a couple of days later he'll be talking to someone and he'll look at me saying 'remember I told you' and I'll be like 'yeah you did' and we'll nod at each other. A thinks he has told me about all these episodes and stories and expects me to know what he is talking about when he is relating it to someone else. He is the one person I spoke about my Dad to when we got drunk the first time. We never spoke about it again cos I didn't want him to think I want his sympathy. We are smoking buddies, wine buddies, sometimes library buddies. We are buddies and I like that. 

Love will come set me free I do believe still

Some days I still believe love will come set me free. Hahah! Silly me. On days like today when I have been fighting the blues last two days sometimes silly conversations make me smile. They don't mean anything to the other person but it brought a smile to my face just for that moment.

x- Things will fall into place. I promise they will and on that day you'll think of me.

Me- I already think of you. :)

Where were we?

Tidal waves of nostalgia are washing me away this morning. I woke up to grey grey skies followed by torrential rains. Reminded me of home and Calcutta and the girls who get so excited on a day like today. We message each other out of happiness because back home in India such days are to be cherished. 

I had no one to message but for P telling her I am homesick and we quickly made plans to meet up in the evening on the condition that I finish my paper by afternoon. I opened a new assignment that I have to submit in a month's time and there it was my Project Infrastructure question that took me back to Delhi and M and R and DIAL and all the work I did there and the airport looming larger than life. The airport that I saw built before my very eyes and became a part of my daily life and the airport that'll always occupy a prized place in my heart. What I am today professionally and all the effortless answering  I do in my Projects Infrastructure class is all because of that project.

 I went through my old work material, the contracts I worked out, the silly letters I drafted  and I had tears in my eyes. Those 2 and a half years there and I never realised I'd someday look back so fondly at those days. I keep moving on and on, changing cities and jobs and leaving people behind and I feel I won't look back but I do look back. All that I thought I wanted to be then and all that I thought I couldn't be then I just might be tomorrow because of the lessons learnt there. 

Do I even dare to dream of working in a construction law firm? Sigh!

The only class where I feel I know more than everybody else in class put together is Project Infrastructure. Haha!

One of the few advantages for having worked in this field for over 5 years as opposed to freshers.

So I shouldn't feel so cool about myself. :p

I am quite a dodo in the rest.

On today because it is far from being a fairytale

Last night when I finally finished my quota of 1000 words actually 1100 words per day of my PIL research paper I looked at the time and it was 11:10 PM. I was told by Sans on Skype that I should call it a day. I was hesitant initially thinking well I won't write anymore but let me read something from another module. I opened the China-Asean Air Services Agreement to read but left it after superficially skimming through the document. I had to unwind. I had been sitting from 1 in the afternoon and my grey cells had actually gone on the sleep mode.

Even a short span of 10 months at Grad School isn't lacking drama given that the kids from India who are my contemporaries here are already knee deep in petty politics and hard core back biting. I don't miss being a part of all this. Haha! It is such fun being the bystander and watch them get harassed over such trivialities. It is hilarious how us Indians carry a bit of India with us wherever we go.

So last night I switched my Kindle on and read a bit of Julie and Julia. Julie was in her 30th year when she took the challenge of making 524 of Julia Child's recipes in 365 days and maintain a blog of it. This was way back in 2002. I tried to find similarities between the protagonist and me just to inspire myself saying if Julie could make 524 of those complicated french dishes in 365 days then I can also finish all my papers and assignments on time. Alas the only similarity between us is the age and the desire to do something different besides the daily monotony of life.

My life is hardly monotonous now. Hmmmm okay yes reading all the time and writing is monotonous but I am not stuck somewhere I didn't wanna be. It'll get over before I know it in 8 and a half months. I have my panic moments almost everyday when I am convinced my writing is going nowhere and there isn't any flow of thought and coherence is too much to ask for. I don't think about my grades because it is pointless. I don't know how this is gonna be. Some days I console myself saying there is only so much stress you can take in one day so don't lose hope. This is the worst it can get for today.

Today I am going to the library and studying. I need some human interaction today which is beyond whatsapp voice notes, skype and viber.

If today was a fairytale it would be 11th May, 2014 all my 10 modules would be over and I would have successfully completed 40 credits required to get that LLM degree. I would have finished all assignments, papers, moots, exams without any setbacks but for the regular panicking. If only today was that fairytale. 

Some days I have very little to say but that missing is happening.

I am missing my girls soooo much. Right from S to M to Tinni to Nish Mish and the mad bunch.

And of course my crazy lil baby sister who is married now. I can't wait to hang out with her and my brother in law in Hyderabad.

Tinni, Dia and Nisha sent me the most adorable, drunken voice note last night on whatsapp that transported me back to Cal to Tinni's place, one of those happily wine buzzed evenings.

I miss my people and it is as plain and simple as that.

I still wanna travel the world and go live in different places but I want my people around.

That is too much to ask for I know.

When I am hanging out with Riona or P here then I am absolutely at home.

One and a half months have gone. Some days pass by achingly slowly and some days just flash past by.

I wonder where all this shall lead. :)

Summing up my day

That pretty much sums up my day.

Turkey and Ham pasta and home made Iced Tea for dinner at a hawker centre behind my place.

Pasta cheered me up since I am sitting at home alone on a Friday evening, reading and reading those books. Seems endless the readings.

I am still not convinced about doing nothing on a Friday evening.

I'll slap anyone who says this will be worth it. I don't know anything about my grades. 

Midnight cravings

I am feeling ham, cheese, egg and tomato sandwich hungry.

I am feeling New York Cheese Cake hungry.

It is 1:43 in the morning. There is no need to express these cravings of mine.

My roomie is busy screaming at her parents for having transferred funds to a wrong bank account or is it the wrong bank address. No idea. Alien language so I only understand bits and pieces of the conversation.

There is only so much of  Sources of International Law  one can read in a day.

The sight of freshly done laundry hanging on the clothes line on a sunny day makes me happy. 

I thought you would have made something of your life by now.

Yes I thought I would. Sometimes it feels so late and sometimes it feels like I have only just begun. I want all the time in the world but I don't have that frame of mind anymore. The 24 frame of mind. I am not 24 anymore. Hell I stopped being 24 five years back but that number somehow stuck on to my head. If there was one year I could relive I would want that year to be played again.

I get stuck in this limbo these days when I have bad days and good days and all are directly proportionate to how much reading and studying did I get done and how far have I reached with respect to my research papers. I know I am not the first one to go to Grad School but this feels like a tremendous burden. It does.

Some days I can't wait to head back home and some days I wish I could  go live and work in a different country. Mixed emotions.

Last week I was religiously recording my Public International Law lectures on my phone and laptop so that I could go back home and listen to it within the quiet confines of my room. I still haven't gotten down to doing that though.

Thursday evenings are date nights with two of my girls at Orchard Road. First I meet R and jabber about the world and exchange gossip regarding school friends and eat lots of yummy food of the fattening variety and console ourselves saying 'we lead such active lives here as opposed to India. It'll all get burnt with all the walking' followed by my session with P when we drink coffee and complain about our lives and various people and we are so nasty and unforgiving I must say.

Studying interspersed with smoke breaks with interesting people doesn't help. They distract you so no more silly little smoke breaks and no more downloading lovely music while reading. Yet again I only keep listening to the song on a loop and the article gets wiped off my brain and all I am left with is a couple of ridiculous lyrics of random songs floating in my subconscious mind which is anyways devoid of any sense.

So when is a good time to stop reading and begin writing? Seriously? Somebody please tell me. Hmmmphhhh!

You only hate the road when you are missing home.

Season of introspection and retrospection and letting go.

I am in love with this song.

My current state of mind

At 30 I handle alcohol and heartbreaks way better than I ever have.

Handling alcohol better wasn't easy. It was an effort that lasted over a year and a half and I schooled myself to drink only as much I can handle and you know what I think I succeeded.

 I think I have finally managed to put some demons to rest. Yes I have.

Heartbreaks don't hurt as bad. They feel more like crushes that aren't reciprocated. My whole world doesn't collapse around me anymore. But I do get irritated  cos sometimes you just want that person to respond for no logical reason whatsoever but for the fact that you like him and want him to feel the same.

I am falling in love with a subject I gave up on 12 years back. I'll never get to pursue it since I chose another field rather grudgingly and I have been making my living out of it the better part of the last 7 years but it does give rise to lot of 'what ifs'. Sigh!

I stress all the time about my weekly assignments and the month end research papers to submit. That is the first thought as I open my eyes in the morning. But all of us in the batch, regardless of age and nationality are going through the very same feelings so I am a lot more at ease now.