Feb 13, 2012

Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned

Confusion reigns supreme. Nothing seems to be falling into place. Sigh! All I ever wanted was peace of mind and some sanity. I always look at work for sanity and it always has given me sanity but this time I can’t even depend on work. It is creating even more mayhem and I am stuck in the middle of crossfire. Rest there is precious little I can do. How do I detach myself from all of this?

Early mornings are the worst. I wake up with that empty empty feeling at dawn and cannot go back to sleep and all my demons come to haunt me. Last night though I thought that waking up happy, light and sunshiny cannot be that far away, it will happen in the not so distant future, however down in the dumps I am feeling now.

There are patches when I forget stuff but that is only when I am involved in an even bigger battle at work. So I really don’t know where to look for solace. All said and done I have seen worse times. But you know what it hurts so bad only cos I thought I had come so close to tranquility in my head and it is all broken into fragments now.

Its all up and down and up and down and how I crave for human company and how I abhor human company at the same time. I reach these highs and lows in every conversation with a close friend when I have moments when I am like when will this stupid hollow feeling go and then I have these brilliant patches when I feel I am oh so strong and I can handle anything. But the latter just doesn’t last and the former comes back and in a battle between the two, despair seems to have the upper hand now.


akanksha said...

I know :(

Jinu Peyeti said...

come here to SF and I will fill your life with sunshine :)

Anonymous said...

I know the feeling and that last para felt almost like you were reading my mind.

Read somewhere once that life is all peaks and valleys as travel through it - the lucky ones find a stretch of plateau and coast along, the rest of us, well we get a more intense experience of what life can be.

Keep doing what you do and keep trying to 'find your bliss' as someone once said and who knows? Maybe something unexpected will come along the way because I believe that if you look to hard for something you often miss it even right under your nose.