Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned

Confusion reigns supreme. Nothing seems to be falling into place. Sigh! All I ever wanted was peace of mind and some sanity. I always look at work for sanity and it always has given me sanity but this time I can’t even depend on work. It is creating even more mayhem and I am stuck in the middle of crossfire. Rest there is precious little I can do. How do I detach myself from all of this?

Early mornings are the worst. I wake up with that empty empty feeling at dawn and cannot go back to sleep and all my demons come to haunt me. Last night though I thought that waking up happy, light and sunshiny cannot be that far away, it will happen in the not so distant future, however down in the dumps I am feeling now.

There are patches when I forget stuff but that is only when I am involved in an even bigger battle at work. So I really don’t know where to look for solace. All said and done I have seen worse times. But you know what it hurts so bad only cos I thought I had come so close to tranquility in my head and it is all broken into fragments now.

Its all up and down and up and down and how I crave for human company and how I abhor human company at the same time. I reach these highs and lows in every conversation with a close friend when I have moments when I am like when will this stupid hollow feeling go and then I have these brilliant patches when I feel I am oh so strong and I can handle anything. But the latter just doesn’t last and the former comes back and in a battle between the two, despair seems to have the upper hand now.

Teri aahatein nahin hai

How do you solve a problem like me?

How to listen to music on your head phones so much so that you are addicted to it and only becos you are trying to distract yourself from something else?

How to mess up something perfectly good in a space of one day?

How to realize that sometimes, most times there ain’t no second chances?

How to be forced into distraction thanks to day long meetings?

How to distract yourself on a lazy Saturday afternoon at work by writing a blog post?

How to realize that the more gung ho your professional life gets the more in shambles your love life is?

How not to stop looking at ficking bbm 24/7?

How to sign out of bbm without deleting the application?

How to dream of a phone less world when I could just chuck this silly smart phone away?

How to realize that all those who love you, also love the impulsive, hyper you and you needn’t change so much?

How to realize that it should be take it or leave it?

How did I realise that I don't feel half as empty as much as I used to before when I was younger, even till 8, 9 months back?

I have answers to some of those questions and some I don't. :)

Guess what I am growing up. Indeed I am. Yeayyyyy!

How moody is too moody?

I wanna cook excitedly again. I think I kinda did so 2 days back when Saggy was in town and we did a continental take on chicken when we lovingly marinated it in red wine, mustard, soya sauce and garlic. It was more like a pot roast actually with mushrooms and baby corn and it went splendidly with plain brown bread. How I love cooking with her! And how could I ever forget that she literally taught me how to cook and made me fall in love with it too when I needed to find a suitable distraction in life. Though cooking and I have this love hate relationship and I go through phases when I just don’t feel like lifting a finger in the kitchen and phases when I am pushed to cook and I come up to the occasion and rustle up something surprisingly good in a jiffy. Gawd why am I sooooooooo moody with so many things in my life like reading for instance or even television. I’ll go through this reading copiously phases when I’ll read on my way to work in the Metro, on my way back home from work, read before falling off to sleep and then there are phases like now when I have unfinished books strewn all over my house. They are all half read and quarter read. I wanna finish all of those.

My love for television is extremely new found. I mean I was never ever a TV addict but movie addict I was yes in my early twenties. My money used to go bust watching every movie in town and even if I didn’t have money for food, I sure could gather my pennies for that one last movie ticket. I never watched sitcoms voraciously like soooooo many people I know swear by them. I saw Desperate Housewives for a bit and all the seasons of Friends cos the whole universe watched Friends. But besides that hmmmmm maybe CSI sometimes and when I was way younger in another century and a different age, I used to religiously watch Moonlighting, Remington Steele, Picket Fences, The X-Files and Beverly Hills 90210. I never saw “Lost” and I haven’t seen a single episode of “How I met Your Mother” and can you beat that? Hahaha! I am so willfully oblivious of them and couldn’t care less unless I stumbled upon them and something caught my fancy like Criminal Minds or Bones. I realize I like crime based shows, totally dig them so I indulge in Fox Crime every once in a while but my favouritest channel remains TLC. How I look forward to watching Donna Hay cook up her so called simple exotic meals and even watch a bunch of idiotic blondes trying to look cute and sexy while exploring new places in Get Out. And I so enjoy Man Vs Food. Every time I am left in awe of Adam Richman and his giant appetite.

But the one and only thing I never get bored stiff with and never go through a love hate phase with would be writing. Strange this is. I never realized it until now.