Jun 5, 2010
Do they have radios in heaven? I hope they do.
It has been a year today. One whole year of not having you around in our lives and I still think of you every day, every single fickin’ day. I don’t feel as miserable as I use to that first month and we don’t behave in the same manner as we did when we all took to living in our own make believe worlds with Ma immersing herself in her work and doing up the new house with an unnatural frenzy and me with my obsession over Fuddy Duddy and getting somewhere in life while Nutty who insisted on behaving like all of that never happened. We have all gone through our own cycles and made our own peace or at least I like to believe we have. Ma still misses you immensely and she always will. We can’t change any of that. I knew that all of us have to leave but all I wish is that you’d left in a happier way and not the way you did.
Yes we are way better-off that we were last year. I don’t hold half as many grudges against life and God. Ma does crib and complain every once in a while but they are for different reasons. It isn’t about “Why us?” anymore. Nobody fills up that vacuum which you left and maybe nobody ever will. After all nobody can crack them silly dirrtttyyy jokes like you did and have all of us in splits at the same time. Nobody can be as boisterous as you managing to keep all of us busy throughout the whole day doing just your chores. Nobody will be sitting at the dining table evening after evening irritating Ma with his drunken banter and calling for his daughters if not in person then on the phone.
Everytime I am doing something naughty and not so naughty I think “Damn now you’d be looking at me from up there and know exactly what I am upto.” I swear I kinda think twice before doing the wayward stuff since I am sure you have an idea of what I am doing and would disapprove of the same. Am I stupid or am I not stupid? Like that night in the car and the pushing away happened and I ran away upstairs or everytime I lit a smoke until I quit recently. I hope you are listening to me now. Sigh! Baba you are muchly missed and always will be. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’ll have to live through this entire life and wait for another lifetime to meet you. The wait seems mighty long.