Apr 28, 2010

A picture of confusion that is me.


I wonder how am I gonna fill up all these days with meaning, something that keeps me going, that sustains me mentally and intellectually. No I am not talking about the work that is my bread and butter but the work that will satisfy that tiny bone in my body. I honestly don’t know what I was meant to do. Most people are born to do something, anything. What was I born to do? What is my true calling in life? What did God envision for me as he brought me into this world? Or am I gonna be happy just trotting along not knowing what was I meant to do? I beg God sometimes to just show me one glimpse on how he sees the future for me. I also know tis in my hands too. This isn’t about the missed buses that were many or being distracted by all the silly frivolous vices that tempt youth. I lived my life the way I wanted to and it has been quite the fun ride but for the occasional bump but somewhere along the line I have honestly lost track on what I set out to do or did I even know what I was getting into 9 years back.

I go through these phases when I sit and question everything that I am doing and why am I doing and why did I end up where I am right now. Hmmmmm…… Am I unhappy? No I am not. Am I dissatisfied with the work? No I am not. Am I doing something cool? Well I don’t know. However the one time in my life when I thought I was doing something I was proud of doing my Boss made my life a living nightmare or at least in office he did and at that period I suffered from immense loss of self esteem like I never have before. I learnt a lot but at the cost of what? The strangest thing being when I came back to this organization I only came so cos I had closed all doors and not a single other job had worked out. I got so many rejects in a span of one month that I was down and out and then my ex-boss got in touch with me asking me if I’d like to work for this Project. I said yes just like that and before I knew it I was here and the rest of course is the way it played out.

I don’t even know what I am looking for. As usal I am the perfect picture of confusion. Gawddd am I ever ever gonna change? There was a time when I was the perfect picture of self inspiration. That me got lost somewhere along the way. I need that reason to feel inspired again. I need that spark, that zing and that enthusiasm. I want to believe that I can plan and plan smartly and do something about this. I want to believe that this isn’t it and I can have something close to what I had dreamt of. I know one has to wait it out and take a different way but there has to be some hidden way somewhere to the place I wanna go even though it is a different place now. I don’t wanna be dreamless cos I have begun to realize that I am not happy this way if all I believe is this is all that can be. That doesn’t mean I live in my make believe world and don’t do my duties over here. No more make believe for me but the dreams have to be there right. I hate this evolved cynical thing I have become as if life defeated me. It was supposed to be the other way around. Wasn’t it?

The hardest part is not comparing myself to others. I am human and I would compare myself to my contemporaries but some of the happiest people I know are so oblivious to the world around. Sometimes I feel this is gonna be one long long wait and I have to make sure that it is a happy wait and not an aimless one. Escapism has been my solace for too long. I have also spent the better part of this decade brooding over all the wrong people. I mean seriously it has been such a grand waste of time. I don’t regret all of them but surely I could have done without some of them. As I am growing older why is life only becoming about nobody loves me? Yuck! I don’t want it to be like that all needy and lonely. It is only human to but even then. Okie so I don’t have it. So just move on. Don’t centre your life around this one fanatical emotion that consumes so many of us. I want an aim in life God, I want that splendid feeling that I achieved something and that this is going somewhere. I don’t wanna be walking along blindly like I am walking along now. Show me some light. I pray to you to show me some light. Come on I know this cannot be it. I know this isn’t it.

I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you.

Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, September 2002
US actress & television talk show host (1954 - )

5 comments:

arvind said...

this is beautiful..
atleast she felt - what she is lacked of?
how she could solve the emotions created by the mind - by a plan by the mind itself..

how a moon can show itself to the earth - without the sun?

it needs the rays of the sun to show the earth that "hi.. me - the moon - here.."

if so, she should also get the help of the heart - its rays on the mind - to get rid of the emotions created by the mind..

a heart could do that..

nice read..

arvind said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
akanksha said...

I exactly know what you are going through...I am in more or less, similar situation.

I have a job which was my dream, some time back but that dream has past its expiry date and now its time to dream again.

It is just a phase of life, that wil pass, sooner or later.It is the darkest, just before the dawn.So just hang in there dear, a ray of light is just round the corner.

Love always,
Akanksha

She said...

Please don't question yourself or what you're doing. You're letting your best years go by in agony. I know its a really worn out cliche, but life is a journey not a destination. It's ok to experiment, question, potter around aimlessly and soon enough you'll discover your calling. But what if what you're doing right now is your calling and you dont recognize it coz you've spent all this time berating it and didn't put your heart and soul into it?

You have a long, long, happy life ahead of you and you have enough and more people around you who love you and you know it, so stop yearning for something that is an eventuality and enjoy what you have going for you.

The Dude said...

someone once asked a traveller, "how come you dont care where it is you're going?"
he replied, "because the journey is the worthier part."

It doesnt matter why god put you here or what he intended. Just remember, if god exists we need no worry - if he does not then we need not be aimless.
If its meant to be, its meant to be - but dont waste your life wondering about it, live. just ask yourself this - what if this one life is all you got? hmm?

be cool, cheers..