A picture of confusion that is me.

I wonder how am I gonna fill up all these days with meaning, something that keeps me going, that sustains me mentally and intellectually. No I am not talking about the work that is my bread and butter but the work that will satisfy that tiny bone in my body. I honestly don’t know what I was meant to do. Most people are born to do something, anything. What was I born to do? What is my true calling in life? What did God envision for me as he brought me into this world? Or am I gonna be happy just trotting along not knowing what was I meant to do? I beg God sometimes to just show me one glimpse on how he sees the future for me. I also know tis in my hands too. This isn’t about the missed buses that were many or being distracted by all the silly frivolous vices that tempt youth. I lived my life the way I wanted to and it has been quite the fun ride but for the occasional bump but somewhere along the line I have honestly lost track on what I set out to do or did I even know what I was getting into 9 years back.

I go through these phases when I sit and question everything that I am doing and why am I doing and why did I end up where I am right now. Hmmmmm…… Am I unhappy? No I am not. Am I dissatisfied with the work? No I am not. Am I doing something cool? Well I don’t know. However the one time in my life when I thought I was doing something I was proud of doing my Boss made my life a living nightmare or at least in office he did and at that period I suffered from immense loss of self esteem like I never have before. I learnt a lot but at the cost of what? The strangest thing being when I came back to this organization I only came so cos I had closed all doors and not a single other job had worked out. I got so many rejects in a span of one month that I was down and out and then my ex-boss got in touch with me asking me if I’d like to work for this Project. I said yes just like that and before I knew it I was here and the rest of course is the way it played out.

I don’t even know what I am looking for. As usal I am the perfect picture of confusion. Gawddd am I ever ever gonna change? There was a time when I was the perfect picture of self inspiration. That me got lost somewhere along the way. I need that reason to feel inspired again. I need that spark, that zing and that enthusiasm. I want to believe that I can plan and plan smartly and do something about this. I want to believe that this isn’t it and I can have something close to what I had dreamt of. I know one has to wait it out and take a different way but there has to be some hidden way somewhere to the place I wanna go even though it is a different place now. I don’t wanna be dreamless cos I have begun to realize that I am not happy this way if all I believe is this is all that can be. That doesn’t mean I live in my make believe world and don’t do my duties over here. No more make believe for me but the dreams have to be there right. I hate this evolved cynical thing I have become as if life defeated me. It was supposed to be the other way around. Wasn’t it?

The hardest part is not comparing myself to others. I am human and I would compare myself to my contemporaries but some of the happiest people I know are so oblivious to the world around. Sometimes I feel this is gonna be one long long wait and I have to make sure that it is a happy wait and not an aimless one. Escapism has been my solace for too long. I have also spent the better part of this decade brooding over all the wrong people. I mean seriously it has been such a grand waste of time. I don’t regret all of them but surely I could have done without some of them. As I am growing older why is life only becoming about nobody loves me? Yuck! I don’t want it to be like that all needy and lonely. It is only human to but even then. Okie so I don’t have it. So just move on. Don’t centre your life around this one fanatical emotion that consumes so many of us. I want an aim in life God, I want that splendid feeling that I achieved something and that this is going somewhere. I don’t wanna be walking along blindly like I am walking along now. Show me some light. I pray to you to show me some light. Come on I know this cannot be it. I know this isn’t it.

I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you.

Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, September 2002
US actress & television talk show host (1954 - )