If Wishes Were Horses

I know I chose this expectantly,willingly and more than anything with a sigh of relief but I so wish it wasn't this hard. I wish each day did not seem to pass by agonisingly, so slowly with me questioning myself all the time. I wish things fell into place and this wasn't all higgledy piggledy.I wish this wasn't only about work but it is so . I wish I had something to distract myself with but i don't. I wish I find my rhythm soon and settle down cos I hate this feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Didn't I know how to save a life?

This clearly is no time to be blogging at 12: 20 in the afternoon but hell I have some hundred something documents that I have to go through and I do not feel like doing such insipid work right now. So here I am having reduced my font size to a measly 8 and typing away to glory. The lengths we go to hahhaha! Oh and my Boss keeps getting these funny phone calls cos apparently his number use to be some BPO called Zingo BPO’S before and he is livid every time they call him up saying “ Is this Zingo BPO?” I don’t why but the three of us find it hard keeping our laughter at bay cos Zingo sounds a tad bit funny and this is a law firm at the end of the day and when he gets these phone calls right in the middle of a meeting with some client it is quite disconcerting for him. As of now we are sending a legal notice to Airtel to stop these annoying phone calls or we’ll sue them hahaha!
I have been spending a lot of time alone. I am dead tired by the end of the day and don’t have the strength in me to indulge in other activities but to get home, read for a bit and hit the sack. I haven’t slept so much in the longest time. In Delhi I use to be eternally sleep deprived and here I sleep a minimum of 8 hours but alas when I get up each morning it is almost like I partied till the wee hours of the morning and just got up. What’s with me? Sigh. Oh and I walk for miles altogether. I haven’t made use of my legs half so much in the recent years after having left Pune. Everytime I head to Offiice or back home after work I take a different route cos I want to be familiar with the lanes and bylanes and the houses are so pretty, like dolls houses and the roads are tree lined avenues. I love the weather and yes after Delhi the weather over here is soothing on the nerves.
I have been thinking a lot lately. Well that sounds silly but generally I have been introspecting and I have come to the conclusion that I guess I did run away from circumstances and the situation that had built itself over a course of almost two years. I mean I got the job and saw a way out of the self made disaster and misery. I know I made my life out there sound almost like one long party in this blog. If I want to look back and feel nostalgic it is so easy to think that it was one looooonnnggg party but that is not what it was all about. I am not in talking terms with a lot of people I have mentioned before on this blog. I miss them and I question myself sometimes wondering where did I go wrong. It must be me or was it them or just us?
They aren’t playing any role in my life today but there was a time when my life centred around them and I have to pinch myself to make myself believe that no they had been there, we did have the best of times, that it was real and not a dream. I have no regrets whatsoever. I am at peace over here cos the biggest sign being I am comfortable being alone except once in a while when I call up She and cry cos I had to watch a movie alone or when a certain Bananafish called and I burst into tears cos as usal I had 500 documents to review hahah! Thank you btw! And I am pissed with Hazel Eyes for not having called me this weekend. I am use to talking to you but I’ll never say so. Hmphhhhh! And I do wanna meet you even if I emphatically denied the same to Batty Woman saying you don’t make a difference cos in the strangest of ways you do. You know that and I knew that a long time back.

Sneak Blogging!

How the mighty have fallen? Sneak blogging hahah! Yeah this is a new term I am gonna coin as blogging from my new office is definitely as sneaky blogging can get. I don’t have a moment to breathe and I have been dying to blog the whole week but alas for work. Right now too I have a pile of documents to go through and some random agreement to draft but I put my foot down and decided noooo I really wanna pen my thoughts down. My first day of work wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, in fact it wasn’t horrible at all. My boss is quite the darling but a bloody hard task master and thankfully my colleagues too are quite amicable and not the vamps as I was dreading them to be. I won’t say I love my job and I love what I do cos I am oh so very at sea with finance as previously all I did for 2 years was infrastructure but I am learning, yes I am learning and I’ll get there.
Talk about sounding all sunshiny well it wasn’t so on Friday when I sat through this 4 hour meeting with a client and all the clauses on service tax and sales tax went over my head. By the end of it post meeting and pre lunch I was in tears as I ran out of office towards the cafeteria trying very hard to control those tears from falling as the canteen staff and the bystanders wondered what was wrong with this woman who was hiding her face and crying on the phone. I called up She and howled saying “ I don’t know anything and I left everything for this and I don’t even know what I have gotten myself into.” She is my eternal Feel Good About yourself factor as she said “ For Christ’s sake woman give yourself some more time. Its been only 5 days. 6 months down the line if you feel the same then we’ll talk about it. Come on we know you ain’t dumb.” I still don’t know if I am dumb or not cos I feel like I am the dumbest thing walkin on planet earth almost everyday.
So finally I was asked to remove the kajal that must’ve spread all over my face as a consequence of crying too much and hold my chin up. So I did and yeah I am trying and that’s what is important right! At least I hope so. I am trying to happy about my brand new pristine white apple notebook. It sure looks funky. Sigh! And I did go for one birthday party on Saturday, danced like a bar dancer in some chandni bar and I did get stone drunk and yes I met a cute boy too besides the hot gay men hahaha! Oh and the host of the party was a senior from college and she made me feel utterly at home even though we met almost 4 years later. The evening ended rather disastrously though as I became Miss Blabber Mouth and spoke entirely too much. I am so sorry Fino. Promise next time I am gonna shut up completely. I will not divulge stupid girly secrets to silly boys who pinch and poke and prod too much. Hehehe!
I had the worst hangover in over two months whole of Sunday morning and well into Sunday afternoon as I threw up every 15 minutes. Serves me right! So much so for saying “ Fino I don’t wanna overdo it. I wanna come back home and work on that agreement.” I shifted into my new place last evening. I quite like it especially the pwetty blue tiled wash room. And most importantly met up with my younger looney sister who blackmailed me into borrowing my laptop. She has chopped off her gorgeus mane for some some floosy of a hairstyle heheh! Anyways work beckons. Shall be back soon with funnier tales. On hindsight this post is quite a depressing one. Hmphhhhhh!

Cos I am Miss Brightside

Its 6:30 in the morning and I have been up since 5:15 cos I keep tossing and turning and can't seem to get any sleep. Maybe because this is gonna be the first day of my new job and I don't know why but till last morning it was fine until I started getting the jitters at night wondering how is this gonna turn out to be. I hope I can live it up, live up to my employers expectations, to my own and sort the financial mess out cos believe me right now very few people would wanna be in my shoes considering the state of my finances.I am scared of not being able to settle down and managing this with ease. I get a feeling I will but until I get there I ain't gonna be sure of any of this.I know I am gonna be judged and inspected be with with my work, my appearance, my attitude and just about everything and that is what makes me nervous maybe but I also know that I can handle all of it and it'll be fine with time. At this moment I am trying to convince myself more than anything that I'll be alright and this was the right step in the right direction as someone told me. We can't be sure of anything in life can we?

I was soooooo cranky yesterday. I saw " Life in a Metro" and cried puddles of teardrops hahaha! I don't even know what exactly was bothering me. The new job, not having all the old people around but I do have really close friends here too or I'd think of S and feel teeny meeny bit bad. Sigh! I saw some pictures of an engagement of these two juniors from college on Facebook last night and I swear to God it seemed soooooooooo alien cos they have their entire life planned out and as for me well I don't even know where I am gonna be two years from now forget about being sure about whom I wanna spend the rest of my life with.I thought I was but it was such a fleeting one sided phase and the lesser spoken about the better.

Oh I think I am feeling better already cos yeayyyyy Fino is up and she is surprised that I am awake way to early. I am listening to Mr. Brightside by The Killers and this is gonna be playing in my head all day I am sure. Wish me luck people cos I really need it and Good Morning!

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all

Mar Jawaan.....

Mar jawaan, mar jawaan
Tere ishq pey, mar jawaan

Fallen in love with this song.