Thank You Boss! I knew I sinned!

Ah well there are a multitude of things to be done and I have actually been waiting for this for a long long time. I remember my first day of work and those nagging doubts in my mind that I am not supposed to be here and that I probably made the wrong decision. I have questioned myself incessantly during the course of the last two years. But I didn’t find the answers I was looking for. On the contrary I discovered a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. I realised that self loathe will take me nowhere. It’ll only worsen the situation. I had been so callous last year. I would forget dates of matters to be coming up at court, I would not maintain records like I should have, I would not update the status of cases and I would not attend the hearings in court up until my boss reminded me. To sum it all up I was a poor employee. I am ashamed to say so but that is what I was. I was living in self denial. I thought I don’t wanna be giving my whole and soul into something that I don’t love. I remember arguing with my Mother about leaving this job and how she always asked me to hang in there. I’d scream and shout and bang the phone down expecting her to understand that I hated it and why should I compromise on something I cannot even relate to.
This isn’t about finding something you love. No I am sure all of us know how important it is to be doing something you love. But sometimes maybe we have to do something we don’t like in order to get somewhere we want to. I learnt it the hard way but I did. But I did change my opinion rather reluctantly as it dawned upon me that there are lessons to be learnt from the last places you ever thought you would learn. I took tiny steps at first but I did start doing a decent job and it has been a journey of self revelation. My self esteem use to be at an all time low cos I did not seem to be getting anything right for the longest time. I wouldn’t have been happy any other way than to give my best. I am so glad I realised that. I thank the people who had the patience to bear with me. Yeah I thank my Boss. I know he’ll never read this and I wouldn’t want him to read this harum scarum blog of mine but Thank You!
Thank You for putting up with my slip shoddy work last year. Thank You for not giving it off to me when I almost lost that file. Thank You for saving my face when the easiest thing in the world would have been to spill the beans and burst the bubble. Thank You for the understanding the sort of worker I am and making sure that the work delegated to me would be over weeks before. Thank You for the unsolicited advise you gave me every now and then. Thank You for teaching me the importance of detailed research and the significance of the To Do lists. Thank You for giving me the responsibilities that you did cos hither to that I had never believed in myself. I still question myself every now and then but I also know that now I am capable of handling so much more. I recollect filling up my self appraisal form and telling Boss that I know I shouldn’t expect anything in the annual salary hike that takes place every July.
I hadn’t expected anything until the morning I landed up at work and there was mayhem everywhere as everybody tried opening the HR portal that had the individual mails stating the bonus and the hike based on the past financial year and there it was those higgledy piggledy figures that roughly told me that I’d got a decent bonus and hell I got an awesome hike. Yeayyyyyyyy! Now I have the resources to make that long pending trip to Pune for the transcripts and recommendation letters from college. I would even be able to pay off a substantial part of my credit card bill that had been weighing me down for the longest time. Paying for the applications do not seem to be an uphill task as they did even a month back. I could even squeeze in a tiny holiday to Mcleudgunj sometime in September. These little things would definitely make my life easier, give me something to smile about and these lessons learnt the hard way are the ones that ultimately make the difference between what I was, what I am today and what I can be tomorrow.
That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.