Nov 16, 2009
I'll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open.
Weekends do not qualify as weekends if all you get off is a Sunday. These miniscule weekends definitely do not suit me. Suddenly I seem to be all geared up for what lies ahead. If anything lies ahead at all that is. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. Honestly now if people ask me so what are you planning on doing I don’t know what to say except for well I want a new job and I refuse to look beyond that. I made too many plans and too many of them fell apart. Me and my big and dreamy plans of wanting to study some more. These days I almost feel like maybe I let myself down or maybe I never had that tenacity needed for me to persevere and do something about all those plans. Just look where I am today. I know I went wrong somewhere. I shouldn’t have this self depreciating attitude but I just do. I am not looking for sympathy or for people to reassure me saying that I will do well for myself or that it is just a matter of time. Right now I feel the other way around. I don’t wanna talk big and do nothing about it. Seems like I did a lot of that after passing out of college. Well apparently I am not half as ambitious as I thought I was cos I wouldn’t have been stuck at this point or I am just not good enough. I refuse to believe the latter though. It is not about being “not good enough”. Maybe it is the timing or just plain bad luck. I don’t wanna believe that I won’t make it or that I’ll be stuck being mediocre for the rest of my life like I have been for a long long time now. I hate this tag of mediocrity that has built itself a house in my life.
There I go again. Ranting and raving about the same old. I am very very patient these days. Where did all this patience manifest itself from? The last paragraph is a consequence of some telephonic conversations with prospective employers. Yeah I never got that call back. Am I being acutely pessimistic? I don’t think so. You would judge yourself right if something looked so close and then you realize it bloody far. That’s how close I probably came to getting back my old life again but for me and my shortcomings. That’s why now I am gonna try keeping the expectations to zero. I do not expect anything cos even expecting is a sin. Yeah these days I don’t make any plans for the future anymore cos you know what life just turns it all around and I am left with zilch in hand. But I can’t help but dream but this time am only gonna dream with my eyes wide open, wide wide open.
“I'll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open, and I'll do my looking back with my eyes closed”