Apr 15, 2009

Picture Perfect Life

Sometimes you close your eyes and see the picture perfect life it could have been. The images conjured in my mind seem to be unreal. Fragments of memories keep coming back and its all so disjointed. I wanted it to be a train and not different bits and pieces as it has turned out to be. I wonder if I grew up to be the person I thought I would. Is this how I saw my life 10 years back? This walking, talking, laughing, perfectly functional wreck that I have become. Wow sometimes I hate everything and everybody around me. I envy people and I keep asking why the hell? When am I gonna be able to make peace with this and accept it as destiny? Most of the times I convince myself but again one phone call or one cry for help and one sob and its destroyed all the make believe peace goes up in the air. I am back to where it began and its as hopeless as ever.
I wanna be able to crib about silly and stupid things like I always have done and like the others do. I wanna be worried about why so and so did not message me and why isn’t XYZ not calling me up. I don’t wanna get upset all over again about work but I am cos someone said “I won’t deny that you have to work very very hard to catch up.” I know she didn’t mean it that way but it hurt and it amazes me that this thing at work will bother me always. I don’t wanna hear the tiny voice that says “ Oh God I don’t wanna be in her shoes. I am so lucky that its not me.” But I hear it silently every now and then. I keep consoling myself saying someday life is gonna make it all up to us but what if it never does and I keep leading this ordinary life the way I have all this while the mediocre and average way. I have begun to hate those two words cos apparently I am not even that.
I don’t know whats bothering me more the assumptions about me or the circumstances I am in. Both I guess cos I desperately want something to work out, anything to work out. I wanna see light at the end of this tunnel and this one wasn’t made by me at all. I had nothing to do with its creation but it has encompassed everything I believed in, shaken my faith. I can’t seem to reconcile myself with the stark contrasts. Honestly I have tried and failed but I promise myself that someday its all gonna be very very different, good different, better different, happy different. Someday we are not gonna be passed over cos we ain’t good enough. We’ll be good enough, way better than good enough, yes we will.
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”


akanksha said...

Don't give up sweety. The only thing constant in life is change...And the one you want so desprately might just be round the corner dear.

Renovatio said...

Think about the path to your old office love, cracks and potholes, that's the path you take. It was all smooth sailing after that nasty patch. That's the path you're walking right now, hang in there.

Keshi said...


In life, we dun always get wut we want. But we might get something close to wut we want...and we should be glad abt it hun.

***Both I guess cos I desperately want something to work out, anything to work out. I wanna see light at the end of this tunnel and this one wasn’t made by me at all

I so know how u feel. I too am walking such a tunnel right now. It wasnt made by me either, but I know I can make my own LIGHT somehow.

Good luck!


Serendipity said...

Hey, keep the faith. life has its ways of testing us, and putting us through the grind, but at no point must you lose faith in the power of YOU.
take care!

utopia said...

Renovatio so you do remember the cracks and potholes on the road on the way to my old office hahah!

Serendipity thanks for visting my blog. I loved your blog btw!

Akanksha I know what you mean change is the only constant thing in life but we'll still crib I guess everytime, time and time again.

Keshi yes I know someday maybe we'll get remotely close to something what we wanted. I wonder when though.

Serendipity said...

Oh, I randomly came back hoping the unsolicited advice went down well and got a compliment instead :)

hope things are lookin up!