Shimmer :-)

Fell in love with the song and the lyrics. The song is called Shimmer and the Economist thought the lyrics were somewhat akin to the quotes I always put up on my blog :-).

"Shimmer"

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go

How we use to be ...

Something written by me more than 8 months back. We have surely come a long long way indeed. I was drunk on a quarter of vodka one Saturday evening in Delhi when Preema and I decided to ditch the rest of the gang as they headed to some fancy club ( think it was F Bar). I sat at home obstinately making the excuse of monetary problems and Preema sneaked out and came home with the Bald Cutie and three of us drank and spoke a lot about life, why we are the way we are and why we do what we chose to do, religion, faith and our personal beliefs. I distinctly remember composing this blog post and for some reason not putting it up. Maybe cos I thought it revealed too much. Now it doesn't pinch me anymore and surprisingly this was still lying in the drafts unpublished so here it is. A bit of the " love-sick looney" I use to be and always will be heheh!


"i don't listen to the same songs anymore. i keep searching for new songs on limewire looking for music that doesn't remind me of u. i know life has changed and we ain't where we used to be. i wonder if all that was real. i hate so hate aerosmith and i'd rather die than listen to "dream on" or "deuces are wild".i am moving on and succeeding. i bump into u in and all that i feel is the awkwardness left and the silence that predominates every other feeling.i don't even get drunk as often as i used to when u were around. yeah m a little inebriated now but tis all good. u ain't around to keep an eye on the number of drinks i have. i don't ask questions anymore and i don't wait patiently for weekends anymore cos weekends ain't half as fun without u. i know u ain't gonna call me on a saturday night saying"m coming over soooo pleasseeeee order food" or jus come home and mess up my room. we ain't gonna be standing in front of my dressing table doing r own thing completely unaware of the pretty picture we make and darn there ain't gonna be anymore pictures of us. but u know what this isn't it and some other day, some other age and some other time we are gonna meet again and it is gonna be a different story."

"and if r hands should meet in another dream we'll build another tower in the sky"

You can make it as big or as small as you want....

I have been asked to visit a tea leaf reader cos someone I know thinks I should since I must be having a dozen questions in my mind about how this is gonna turn out to be and where exactly is my life heading. But you know what I don’t even remotely wanna know what the outcome is gonna be like. I am gonna take this one day at a time and I mean it. I am not interested in what the soothsayers have to say. Its not that I have never been intrigued by palmistry and face reading but then it was about trivial things like boys or a job. This isn’t about that and to be told something and starting to believe in it and what if it comes true and it is not to my liking. That scares me so no I’d rather pray and hope and live my life the right way. Even if I try to I cannot seem to pray as much as her but yes I can do the right thing and make the right choices and that would be my way of contributing towards the healing.
In the meanwhile I’ve been busy with work as usal and thank God for working in a place like this. I actually don’t get time to think which is good and bad at the same time. I don’t wallow in self pity or else initially the only thought eating me up would be “why oh why?” Now I immerse myself in some research or a useless agreement and its all good for that short span of time. The other side of the story being I get out of work so late that I am not getting time to pay my bills, give the curtains to the tailor for alteration etc. Oh I shifted into a new place and I quite like my new room. I still have to do it up and I like my flatties cos they are nice women, very chilled out like us and very very sane. They are working and like to come back home and sleep on time and leave for work on time minus the hullabaloo and madness I was witness to last 2 years of my life. Its quiet and no loud music or too many people. I do feel itsy bitsy lonely sometimes but hell I ain't complaining.

There is a no smoking rule inside the house but we have a lovely terrace so I make ample use of that once a day. I am trying to get use to the idea that yes I am gonna quit smoking sometime very soon. I am not a compulsive smoker at all but at the end of the day I love having one cigarette while listening to music and talking nineteen to dozen on the phone with Batty or Miss Lemony Pie. That’s a luxury I don’t feel like giving up right now. Last week wasn’t as dreary as I thought it would be. For starters I saw Dev D with Nutty, the Economist’s younger brother, his cousin and a friend. We reached the theatre earlier and Nutty hadn’t met the younger brother before so we were playing this game called “ Guess whose the Economist’s younger brother?” and I’d point out the shadiest and slimiest of guys saying “Yeah that’s him” and Nutty would get soooo appalled until he actually came in and she recognized him cos he looked like the miniature version of the Economist hahaha!

The weekend was spent almost only at home except for a couple of hours out at Mojo’s on Saturday. Fino was home for coffee on Sunday evening when we spoke and spoke cos we met up after 3 weeks. I also went to the church for a while and lit a candle. Plan to do that regularly. Lets see if I can. Ram Sene did not go on a rampage as all of us had expected them to and no I don’t think they forcibly married any couples of. “The Pink Chaddi” campaign was welcomed by most of us but I was too lazy to send some. Sigh! I am looking forward to the coming weekend as the Economist is coming down so Saturday lunch at 3 Stories I guess. ☺ The weekend after She is coming to town with Miss Touch-Me-Not and we have so much of catching up to do, indulge in harmless girly gossip and bitching besides lamenting over the state of our lives hahah! She promised to get me some colourful bedcovers from Sarojini or Lajpat Nagar and ear rings. Yeayyyyy!!!!

“It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

For You A Thousand Times Over

I cry at the strangest of times. Sometimes the tears come when I am talking to her on the phone and I can hear her voice choke with emotions or sometimes late evening when I am braindead, not being able to make any sense out of the jumble of words in front of my eyes and reality hits me that you ain't gonna be around. I'd thought you'd be there at my wedding ( whenever it would be with whosoever) bickering and bantering with her for the smallest of things, loosing your cool at the drop of a hat but still putting on a smiling face in the evening when the guests came in and you got high on a couple of pegs of Old Monk. I'd thought you would be there when I became a mother and you held your first grandchild in your arms with that confused but gleeful expression on your face just like the time when you first held a squeeling, 5 day me.

I'd thought you'd be around when Nutty and I did exceeding well for ourselves and you would never acknowledge it but be proud of his two daughters secretly. I'd thought someday when I can afford it I would get you that watch you always wanted. I'd thought a lot of things but never thought it would be ending this way. Sometimes I ask God to take whats mine and give it to you. I really do. For you a thousand times over, yeah a thousand times over.....

I'd never thought something like this would happen to somebody so so close. I feel oddly disconnected cos I am so far away and it hasn't sunk in as yet. I knew something was wrong from the moment her voice changed and I finally confronted her and she didn't have to say anything cos I knew it from the time I started having those bad dreams every single night last week. I am still getting them each night but this isn't about me at all. This is totally out of the context but I'd always thought if I ever wrote a book the main dedications would be to both of them "To ____ for letting me be. To ____ for giving us the life you did cos today as I like look back I realise its been a good life all thanks to your little sacrifices over the years which we never understood."

Now I am sitting out here with my hands tied and I can't do a thing but to wait and watch. I know everybody says tis gonna be okay but until it does get okay all we can do is hope that it isn't as bad as they are making it out to be and pray. I know you'll never read this but I'd do anything to have you call me some 4 times every night complaining about how much she nags you and asking me whose side would I be on each time you quarrel. The phone calls have stopped and the silence is deafening...