Jan 28, 2008

Will you walk with me in my life?


I just read this beautiful poem by Emily Dickinson. Reminded me of my goals and to be honest I never lost track of them ever. I was never the child who did not know what she wanted to be or the confused teenager wondering what she should take up in High School. I was so clear cut on what I have to do, how to go about it. However yes on the way there have been times I have got so carried away with superficialities that seemed magnanimous during those phases. But some event or the other would happen and I would be jolted back to reality even if I wasn’t willingly inclined to. There I was the 14 year old who almost flunked 9th Grade cos she jus refused to study sciences which she hated from the bottom of her heart. I hated Biology and Chemistry with a passion that is hard to understand. I was such a dunce at Math that I’d practice like a maniac for months but the day of the exam my nervousness would overpower me and I’d mess up the paper. Yeah but the almost flunking bit made me realise I really cannot get away not studying certain subjects that I don’t love and excelling in History, Geography and English won’t suffice. Sometimes in life we have to do something even if it repulses us in order to do something we love later. We cannot do it for the sake of doing cos then it just ain’t enough and maybe doing something we don’t like happily does teach us lessons. Seems it has been 10 years but some things still have to be driven into me. My new job ain’t happening right now. I cannot leave this place as gleefully I thought I would. I have to stick around and maybe I have to do that willingly and happily cos I don’t see any other road in sight. Surprisingly it doesn’t seem to be as horrible as I made it out to be for months and months. I am learning , I am bloody learning lessons. I don’t feel that much at sea anymore. I don’t envy the rest as much as I use to when they start off with their High Court gossip or talking about the latest stance taken by the Bar Council or the scandalizing judgement passed by so and so judge in the High Court. Thats not my world even if I would love to be a part of it and no I am not willing to wait for too long cos I know I love something way way more.

Yesterday was a lovely Sunday after a quiet Saturday. Actually tis wasn’t quiet cos we had a bonfire at home and a charming bunch of comfortably noisy people came over. For a change I did not drink since on Friday I drank too too much and just sulked and sulked in one corner of Morisson and ended up being rude to the two of my most precious people in this city. Saturday I went off alcohol and it was pleasant. We sat all around the fire, chatting, laughing making the silliest jokes on each other, dancing on “Honth raseelay” and baking jacket potatoes while cursing the cold all in perfect harmony. The jacket potatoes were delicious with butter, lime juice and salt. Damn it just so happened that most of the logs had rested themselves on the potatoes and every time we tried taking one out, the logs would get dislodged and come plonking down spreading ash and sparks all over. I slept off at 3 in the morning and later in the day heard stories about how the wood got over and Roomie was contemplating whether to break one of the living room side tables and use it for the fire. Nothing surprises me anymore. They did eventually use an old worn out table lying on the terrace. Amen!


Sunday was fun. I woke up all cheerful in the morning. Had to meet a friend for coffee and my day was perfectly planned out. Roomie was fast asleep exhausted after her looney antics till wee hours of the morning. I was about to go for a shower when phone rang and it was the last person I expected and yes S called up after my rude behaviour on Saturday. I was relieved more than anything else cos many a time I feel he does know but chooses to ignore and once in a while I goof up and I don’t want him to walk away. Lemme walk away one time and see if I did leave an impression in his life. Anyways he’d called to say he was coming over and to order food for him and asking me if I wanted something to drink. We were listening to random songs and discussing Sinatra when I had to leave for a bit. I met up with someone for coffee and all I can say is tis was refreshingly different. I come back home and those two nuts are immersed in monopoly and S beat Raddy hollow while she cribbed and whined. She came over with her boy and then Mona joined too and it was a cosy gathering around our wannabe fireplace and discussions ranged from ridiculous punjabbi jokes to compulsory enlisting in the Indian Army ,the American Elections (Obama or Hilary) and Israel and Palestine. I love politics, I so love reading and discussing the intricacies, the turmoil and all the conflicts. If I don’t do something about this now I’ll always have regrets.
I know one day I’ll walk away. I won’t look back. I’ll walk away cos some things have to be done and I do deserve to do what I love. Everybody will move on. S will go on with his life. I’ll be someone he met along the way and walked with for a little while. Maybe I would have that coveted job I so pine for and maybe I would finally have that one degree I dream of all the time. I’ll be fine, wherever I am I shall be alright. I know myself. Sometimes we are meant to walk alone. Yeah just walk alone........

P.S :- Someone called me a cute drunk after being woken up by me at an unearthly hour . I so hate these drunken dials.

14 comments:

Rambler said...

Looks like you had a fun weekend.

About doing things which we don't like, even though ideally its good not to do things which we dont, sometimes practicality takes over and we end up making compramises.

If you really think you are not interested, I guess its the time to move on, find a new passion in your job, or another one which you like

Sam said...

nice weekend!! far better than mine... btw, was just wondering, cold and bonfire, wer in india are your resting now??

Sam said...

ah.. guessed as much!!! coz have been hearing soem friends out there crib abt teh cold everyday!! so hows the weather today? still hovering below 10?

Sam said...

now dat is really low... no wonder u guys are always cribbing abt cold... but then this cold wave has reached pune too.. am loving it, 7 is the lowest here though!!

She said...

All in all, it was a nice weekend. Sometimes, we should listen to Daddy. This was not one of those times!!!!! I cannot believe S said what he did. I am still chuckling about it. Plus I cannot get over how Roomie actually chopped up furniture for the bonfire. Am glad you didnt run outta furniture, God knows what would have gone into the fire next.

Pri said...

a nice way to spend the weekend...:)
is it still chilly there?? :D really envy u guys...
btw loved the poem...
ive always admired the quality of being able to move on even after knowing its a risk ur taking and might not be there with u forever...requires guts :)

kudos girl!
take care...

Harshi said...

Nice to read your post...
>I’ll be fine, wherever I am I shall be alright. I know myself.
This was very inspirational to me.

and I simple love the paintings you choose.

J said...

Hahahaha, loved the fireplace bit. Hmmm, so how much of furniture do you have left?

And quite a nice take on things in general, que sera sera.

Evil Spock said...

You'll be okay, but only because Evil Spock is writing again.

Solitaire said...

Who says you will walk alone? Maybe someone will walk with you? And maybe you will walk away and find someone else to walk with...

chandni said...

its always ok in the end...if its not ok, its not the end!

Walk on!

anuj said...

oh I am sure you will make it good in the end .. but yup its early to say if u will walk alone or that you even wish to .. cause it is only in a fraction of moment that we denounce all the feelings that engross us and we think that we can make it to the end alone .. n I dont need anyone or I am fine alone .. but in reality after a few moments we do feel that gravity around us .. and we want to be cared and treasured ....

nd so would you be ..
cause life moves on .. and it also brings in things, people and chapters .. you never know how the chapters end ..until you have been through them . ..

so be hopeful .. be brave .. remember Serendipity !! ;)

take care.

Standbymind said...

Feels great to know when somebone talsk her heart out!
really like reading u throghout..
especially the way u sum it up!
All the best...the most imp journeys of life have to be travelled alone

:)

An ILLuS|On said...

These days everyone seems to be busy cursing mathematics & all those science subjects..hehe..i hate mathematics as well but i absolutely lurrvvvvvvv the science subjects you know..khair moving on i like your blog's new link & yes your new post took quite sometime to come but i am glad it made its way on your blog.
On a serious note i wish you best of luck for all of your future endeavors & i wish may your all dreams come true. After every dark night there's a bright sunny day.Hang on tight my friend,life's all about learning lessons & not to make the same mistakes again.Soon this tough time would be over,after all life is all about good times & the tough times.

p.s. ermmm i think "cute drunk" is a cute title you know:$