Jan 17, 2008

A random note, a lost file, and hope lost and found

I wrote this amidst an arbitration meeting where I was supposed to be listening attentively to what the opposite party's arguing counsel was pleading and I was also asked to make exhaustive notes but alas this is what I sat and wrote. Sigh! I'll never change maybe.

"I realised today and I think I have been feeling this particular way that more than anything in today's day I want to learn the ropes, wanna be able to master my profession , wanna learn the law, be passionate about it. I want to be happy with what I do, I wanna love my means of living. No I do not want my work to define all that I stand for today but I defintely want it to play a more significant and proactive role in shaping em as an individual. I want to be able to talk about what I do as a living as spontaneously and proudly as I see others around me do so. I don't do that at all ever. I want to evolve as a person into someone who is very calm and at peace with herself and her life. I don't want to be this cauldron of emotions. I hate being so. Seems however calm and collected I appear to be on top it is very different within me. My mind is always racing ahead, way ahead. Wish I could put a rein on to it. I would be so much more in control then.
I don't want my life to centre around another person and my moods to be ruled by the comings and goings of that person. I want to be happy happy, have fun and embrace all that life has to offer. I don't live in a fool's paradise and I think I give myself enough reality checks to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground. But sometimes I do hope, even if I try not want the unattainable and even if I almost succeed in convincing myself that somethings shall never be but I don't know from where but hope creeps in. But then we can't live without hope can we, faith is what keeps us going, waiting, watching , hoping , wanting are words very close to my heart that all of us could relate to these emotions. Thats me, a large part of me I guess."
Well could you imagine writing all that down when I was supposed to be doing something entirely different. 2008 started on a strange note for me. I generally don't like to give too much importance to NEW YEAR. I'd just be disappointed later if things did not go my way. Anyways the last day of the year was entirely too melodramatic for me. I cried too much, felt miserable about myself and before I knew it this year ended on such a bad note for me. But then someone told me that "even if things get messed up for you they'll turn out alright ultimately". Wonder of wonders I did find that file when I least expected it, when I'd given up all hope. Life's like that. Isn't it?


Rambler said...

"I don't want my life to centre around another person and my moods to be ruled by the comings and goings of that person"

Utopia.. It is really good to not depend on others, and not let your mood get affected by others, but some how I am not very sure if it is possible..there is always some person whom you care about, who cares about you, capable of affecting your mood.

J said...

Hey, congrats on finding the file. Miracles do happen huh ;)

Here's hoping that you'll be fine in the days to come and well, just not worry much about mundane things, things that aren't worth your time.


Harshi said...

I could really relate to all that you wrote. Yeah, life's like that. It is good to always keep striving. And I think hope is good. And so it, keeping our feet on the ground at the same time. What a tough, balancing act. Swinging back n forth, and yet, we also have to be true to ourselves...and what we feel? Humans are complex. People have told me I think too much - perhaps this trait makes me even more complex :-). Here's wishing it ALL turns out GRT in the end....but remember, life's about the journey.....not the destination.

And I love that painting. Who's it from?

Anonymous said...

Yup thats the way it is..like a roller coaster..its all about surviving in the tough times & making the most outa good times..its all about being positive but sometimes its too tiring..lastly congradulations on finding that long lost file of yours..take care & be strong:)

anuj said...

oh thts a nice introspection though .. b it btw imp things .. its gud tht atleast u have figured out all this ..m at d crossroads at d moment .. figurin it out in d dark .. n its like same whn u dnt find a thing to hold on to while waving ur hands through the dark .. to helplessness ..

n thts quite rite ..eventually ..somehow .. it jus gets rite ..nd if it doesnt .. d time hasnt yet come !!

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

i suppose these are the decisions you have to make.
I wrote a post on similar lines. You should check it out. may be it would help. "Twists and turns of fate"

Anjuli said...

did not read the post yet, will do,loved ur page, so thought should compliment u for the same...

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

That was such a beautiful post,covering so much about life!

Hope you can sort it out all soon and as that someone rightly said,it will all turn out fine in the end :)

Take care.God Bless!

Awais said...

The picture is really nice. :)