I didn't know, I didn't know

I lied. Getting over Singapore hasn't happened as yet. I am still trying. I live in denial about missing the city, the places, the people and my life there. The thing about home is that it'll never go away ever thankfully so I never miss it as much. Plus being from Calcutta very few things change as such and my school friends are permanently stationed here. I always come back to the same comfortable feeling of home, mum, our conversations, my room, my girls, the same haunts, the coffee shops change once in a while but that is that. It is still us, school friends, Park Street, same watering holes and the conversations too border on familiarity with each other, having grown up together and I wouldn't want this to go away at all. This is my anchor each time I leave a new place and begin elsewhere I know that Calcutta doesn't change as much, for me at least.

I was in Delhi for a week for my best friend's wedding and it was just fun, fun, fun but I honestly felt nothing coming back to it after 2 years. I have spent almost 5 years there and the longer part of my twenties were spent in Delhi but I feel this strange disassociation from the city. There is no nostalgia attached with the city. I loved that place when I was younger and now I cannot see myself there. I'd much rather stick around in Cal for a bit rather than heading back to Delhi. But of course one gets a job there and one shall be forced to relocate to Delhi yet again. Arghhhhhhh!

I am not gonna write about SG. I am not gonna write about my last few days there. I am not gonna write about my night out at Timbre, the music, Bettina, Andy, A and I dancing our hearts out. I am not gonna write about the drunken picnic on Marina Barrage, my last day at the Uni as I emptied my locker and returned the keys, entering the library the last time, my last conversation with P in her lovely balcony, standing in the beach with A that last evening, dropping Tina to Uni and she calling back in tears saying she'll miss me, goodbye to A in the MRT and it felt like a movie, a movie I didn't want to end as yet and hell I wanted a happy ending.

Here I am sleepwalking through my life here. Somedays I am just numb as if the last one year never happened. I make myself believe that I have been here forever. Did I ever have all those conversations with P on her balcony? Did A and I ever walk through Boat Quay singing songs? It is like a dream and I pinch myself to make myself believe all of that actually happened. I lived a lifetime in 9 months, I did. Now to live the rest of my life here and some how it doesn't seem an inviting prospect without some of those lovely people I met.

"And me? Well I’ll carry the thought of you doing just fine. I’ll carry the thought of you meeting new people, and holding new pairs of hands, and clutching people closer than you ever clutched me. I’ll remember that when you came to me it was a blessing. A temporary blessing that we’ll one day see if we can make permanent. But for now, it’s you and all the little lives you’ve got to go out there and touch.

You’re ready. That’s why I’m letting you go. And everyone else? Everyone else who gets you for this next little “I’ll see you everyday” sort of while? They win. I don’t feel like much of a winner in this moment, but them? They absolutely win."

My first and second last exam in 2 hours. I only managed one revision. I somehow just cannot get down to reading like a maniac. I know I shouldn't be over confident because it is construction law but I am hardly complacent about this. I just don't feel like reading anymore. I'll solve the problem when it is in front of me. That is that. I am not excited about this getting over. Of course I can hardly wait for the "I don't need to study everyday diligently feeling" to set in but the rest I am just clueless. What now?

I'll be lying if I said I wasn't excited about going back home though. I am so so excited, as if I am 18 again and this is the first year of undergrad. I am so excited about Mona's wedding and meeting up with all the girls where ever they may be. I am excited about meeting some old old friends in Delhi and I can hardly wait to go to Bombay and meet Shivi. Sad about leaving somethings and some people behind in Singapore. But that was inevitable I guess. Now to find a new job and move on in life.  I'll mostly have happy memories of this city. 

Random thoughts

I wish I had just one day when my mind did not think so much but for the tasks I am supposed to complete. So many thoughts running wild in my head, all the what nots, the whys, the hows? I am tired of over thinking. I am not even that worried. But I think being blank is so peaceful sometimes. I want that blankness of mind, like a blackboard wiped clean.

I don't wanna crave and pine for romantic love. Its so tiresome to bother about it. Not a single leaf moves if it is not supposed to and same goes with romantic love. I don't know how people so smugly advice you not to focus on finding someone and concentrating on loving yourself first and it'll come when you least expect it. Hahaha! Seriously that is a joke. Some of us don't like to focus on finding someone but are constantly reminded of it. 

And if anyone tells me about self love and loving myself first, well I think the last couple of years especially the two years, I have done a good job of loving myself and my life and following my dreams and I aspire to be able to continue to do so. But seriously I can only love myself so much. I do not wanna be obsessed about finding myself and get lost in self love. I already found myself, a tad bit late but I did. I still have stars in my eyes though. 

I gotta head back to work. Sigh! 

I am tired and drained out with research. ASEAN's policies have sucked the life out of me. As usual I have failed to adhere to the word limit of a research paper.

This morning I got up and I realised any more reading on ASEAN and I'll explode. Besides the amount of time I spend on Facebook is preposterous. Last night I  deactivated my account only to activate it again.

Today it is Freedom of Speech that shall do the honours.

 I keep reading this fabulous articles, written by brilliant people and I also read some not so great articles by not so brilliant people and then I write a pile of rubbish and sometimes maybe I write something that actually makes sense and the one thing that keeps running in my mind while I am buried knee deep in books, getting all these concepts clear in my head, stuff I never thought would come to me easily and it still doesn't but I love it, and the truth is that one does not feel like going back to highways, underground railways and bridges. Airports I can tolerate. But loving something and tolerating something is soooooo different.

Silly woman. Should have taken the corporate and financial services modules and never gotten a taste of this. The doctrine of 'grapes are sour' shall never apply here. Now to live with this. 

A little mellow. What with my farewell dinner and heading back home in a month I am guessing it is justified.

You can have the two quays.

Cause I can't have you.

I liked this today. :) Inspired me. I am hardly rising though. Just moving along with the waves. Not descending definitely.

It is second semester, my last semester here. 3 months and I am done with exams. 29th April, 2014 is my last exam. I have little idea what is in store for me. I began classes two weeks back and I am soooo in love with the subjects. They are vague, random, arbitrary but hell I love them.

 It actually takes time to like a new city, it takes time to find your own space, your niche and to surround yourself with your kind of people. I had a presentation today, was up all night reading up and when I walked through Botanic Gardens this morning it didn't feel alien at all. Even the nervousness and jitteriness before presentations has significantly reduced. It just feels soooooooo different.

The weekend passed away in a blur of parties, dinners, conversations, dancing, birthdays and pictures. I'll miss all of this.

I could do with a bit of luck though for the future. Even if I am lost, hope it is in the right direction. It sure feels like that. 

Really nowww!!!!!

And exactly 4 months from the day I landed in Singapore which was 29th July, 4:30 in the evening on 29th November my first semester exams got done. It was Aviation Law & Policy and I could scarcely believe that its over. We kept looking at each other in disbelieve. I was sitting sandwiched between Shawn and Ty for the exam and the last 15 minutes kept muttering the language from the case laws under my breath making Ty laugh uncontrollably. The IP exam was in the same room and I could see my afro-austrian hottie from the corner of my eye. Bliss it was once I had finished writing and could check him out guilt free. Hahah! Nadine and I hi fived saying "we made it". Just before the exam began outside the lecture hall we were the only two people sitting aimlessly on the floor minus any books or notes. I had honestly had enough. I had spent the last half an hour listening to this piece of music from Amelie and I was somewhere far away in my head.

We have come such a long way from that first class from Prof had shown us this video on the twenty four hour air traffic and I had wondered okay what have I landed myself in. This is fascinating but seems more on the lines of inexplicable in some ways. I grew to love the classes and made some really good friends there. Nadine and I had been meaning to go for a drink the entire semester and we finally landed up at Wine Company right after the exam finishing of a bottle of wine by 6 in the evening.

Had dinner later with the girls at Holland Village and Ty and I couldn't stop discussing aviation until Anh who is the youngest but acts like quite the mother hen had to put a stop to it saying "I am feeling out of place." We landed up at Wina's with cookies and wine as an antidote for her migraine and laughed away the rest of the evening, discussing Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Murakami, the chinese girls of our batch, John Mayer and how we shall diligently study from the first day the next semester so as to enable us to survive this ordeal better. I came home so happy and carefree. I kept looking back at the last 4 months and wondering what had changed, something changed. Where was the complaining, grumpy me?

Last morning I had a mini-crisis in Little India but I managed to override it and the cab to the bus stop also almost never came but T thankfully got a cab at the nick of time. I was petrified I'd miss my bus to KL. The journey to KL was 5 and a half hours of non-stop music on my player. I could hardly wait to get off the bus after the first 4 hours. Here I am in KL, chilling with my friend and it feels surreal. I have sooooo much time. Reallyyy now!!!!!

I have a paper in half an hour. Probably the easiest one of all. I gave a really really bad Public International Law paper last afternoon that left me with a sour taste in my mouth and a nasty headache. The only saving grace was in the form of P, this Afro-Austrian cutie from NYU@NUS who was my eye candy post exam in the reading room as I tried to cheer myself up and get down to studying Projects. I couldn't study. Came home and slept for 8 hours straight until T woke me up at 6:30 AM horrified that I was still asleep. I finally got to revise my stuff this morning but no mood to study anymore.

Moral of the story: I never know when I give a good paper and when I don't. The amount I study is not directly proportional to how well I write a paper. Arghhhhhhh! 

On an almost happy me today

Happiness is a steaming bowl of rasam made by your landlady on a rare lazy Wednesday afternoon when you bond with her due to lack of company or maybe because you have gotten used to these bonding sessions over toasting bread and making coffee every morning and sometimes her generous offers of delicious food. She is home away from home for me. I never ever thought I would ever call this place I stay in home. How I hated it with a passion when I first shifted in! Damn it things change.

Happiness is having homemade gol gappe and drinking screw drivers simultaneously while you catch up with  T on a Tuesday night. Happiness is rajma chawal, palak paneer and chapatis laced with ghee on the same night as you gossip about all the common people you once knew and rarely hear about but for Facebook.

Happiness is coming face to face with your best buddy at the bus stop after 2 days of cold war and avoiding each other because you gave him a piece of your mind. Happiness is making up with UT at the bus stop opposite Uni with no explanations being given or any justifications needed.

Happiness is all the yummie bong food P makes for me and I gorge on almost weekly, especially the fish curries. Happiness is looking forward to meeting her this evening.

Happiness is finishing the first reading of Aviation Law & Policy in 4 days without any guarantee of the grades you are gonna get. What the hell at least you finished the damn first reading!

Happiness is the end of term Bar-B-Q at A and B's place on Saturday which actually just 3 days before the dreaded PIL exam.

Happiness is knowing that exams get over in 10 days. God help those grades, you only wanna pass.

Happiness is silently acknowledging the fact that maybe, just maybe you may actually dare to think that:-

 -after all those moments you spent wondering if you did the right thing or not coming here;
 -after all those days when you'd wake up with the sinking feeling in your heart as you looked out at the dreary grey skies;
-after those agonising hours spent in the library as you desperately tried to bring your mind back to the words dancing in front of your eyes;
-after all those times when it almost felt like you are not gonna make it through this maze of research papers, assignments and presentations and exams.

 Well happiness is knowing you survived the first semester. Almost. 

Guess what inspired me today!!!!

I finished my first and probably the last revision of PIL last evening after much deliberation on whether I should give it another day. But Aviation Law & Policy beckoned. Trying to study Aviation all afternoon but my mind has been somewhere else. Studied a bit of Private International Air Law halfheartedly, taken too many breaks. Then I found this http://www.indianmemoryproject.com/tag/sir-mohinder-dhillon/#sthash.YyfYngUg.dpbs and I hope it is the much needed mood uplifter. I need to read something inspiring everyday to keep myself going. 2 weeks more and I am done with first semester. Sigh! 

Today is one of those days. I studied a bit of PIL, finished reading one case. Read one New York Times Article that made me mull over the perils of social networking and excess of texting and messaging. I took a lunch break with Bettina and Sans when we made fun of all the localites and how serious they are about books and notes and studies in general. I came back to my seat, finished reading the bit on the Rhodesian UDI and then read this. http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/11/08/a-pause-for-my-mom/

It reminded me of people gone, of my grandmums and my Dad. It reminded me of the fact that I want to stay a flight away from family and loved ones, preferably a national flight and how I want to spend more time with Mum and Bonu and Mashi and Mumum and Mesho and Shivi and Mona and Tinni and Nisha and Sagarika. I want to meet Par, Rad and Akku more often.  I hope to meet P every now and then even if I leave Singapore next year. That pretty much sums up my world. Hahaha! Sounds so simple, doesn't it? 

Yes yes ambition lurks somewhere. I don't know if its beneath all of that or all of that is shrouded in this garb of ambition. 

It seriously doesn't help when the guy who got an A+ is roaming around before your very eyes, under your nose, chilling out, listening to music and studying while you got a C in the same essay and you are at your wit's end trying to figure how to manage all the reading material for the same module's final exam. I am so jealous of S___. He is brilliant. He quotes all international law scholars like he was born spouting the "The Treaty of Westphalia" and Grotius,Hobbes,Kant, Vettel and Rousseau were people with whom he rubbed shoulders with all his life. I am struggling with this paper and he does everything so effortlessly. Hmmmphhhhh! 

Oh and then one of your closest friends here announces on the whatsapp chat group "Guys I got an A+ in Indian Business Laws." Oh I am so proud of you but I still cannot get over my C. :(

I am late but Happy Diwali :)

As my roomie put it in words so eloquently this morning when she walked in all red eyed, looking haggard and tired after uploading her paper "Forget about Diwali mera toh Diwala nikal gaya." Hahaha! Those were the longest twenty four hours of my life. I spent the whole of Diwali writing a 24 hour take home exam for International Commercial Arbitration and all the misconceptions I had about how easy a 24 hour exam shall be, were dispersed when the question paper was uploaded at 9 in the morning. I was up till 4 in the morning today doing it, reading and re-reading and trying to figure if my line of arguments for the wretched practical problem was actually making any sense. We spent hours and hours hunched over our laptops drafting our grounds of challenge. I know everyone does this in law school. I am sure they do. But doing this after 7 years of work is a tad bit difficult.Plus law school for me back then was so different. There was no plagiarism policy or turnitin breathing down my neck. Come to think of it education back then was so pro-plagiarism that I had to change my complete line of thinking. Imagine footnoting everything I write or how do you footnote a memory or an experience as I increasingly find this happening in my Project Infrastructure class. On top of the moot problem there was an essay question and for more than an hour we kept thinking noooo this question can't be that direct, I am sure there is more to it until we gave up thinking let's just write what we think it is. It really isn't helping us by thinking what more can this question want us to venture into besides what is staring at our faces.

I finished most of my writing around 2 and my brain wasn't functioning an iota anymore.I packed up my bags to head home from Evans Lodge and the roads were empty and deserted. There wasn't a soul anywhere. I could here the crickets chirping . Not that the roads are teeming with people  all day but at 2 at night it felt eerie. Not even for a moment did I think I wanted to walk across the University to the bus stop by walking through Botanical Gardens. I have heard the strangest stories of people feeling the presence of something or spotting something. There is this huge board in one of the fields that forbids us from roaming around the campus late at night because of some ghostly presence. The University was a Japanese torture centre during World War II and Evans Lodge was the hospital including the morgue. Talk about being creepy. Its a big joke with us now but only during the day time. After 10 at night we refuse to walk through Botanical Gardens alone. Those who have been compelled to do that or dared to do that have always come back next morning with funny tales of the feeling of someone walking beside them or some mysterious force pushing them that they ran for their lives. Anyways thankfully I found a cab after some 20 minutes of waiting and wildly flaying my arms at every passing cab. 

I uploaded my paper at 4 and heaved a sigh of relief and slept. 3 more to go. I wonder how much more of this I can take. Wish me best of luck. :) Oooopssss Happy Diwali everyone.I know I am late but nevertheless. 

Can I have it all?

Someday  am gonna miss all these books and all this studying. Someday again an upcoming exam won't be the only tribulation in my life. That day I'll miss all of this madness and frenzy to complete my syllabus. Cheers to all of this today. I know I won't have this tomorrow. It'll be over before I know and it'll be back to the drudgery of daily life. Hopefully I shall find something new to look forward to even then. However much I crib and whine every day there are moments like this when I am reminded I am where I wanted to be for now at least.

Hope I find a workplace that shall have rows and rows of Construction Law Journals stacked neatly in shelves like in the CJ Koh Library here, waiting to be discovered by me. :) I am being too idealistic. Even if I do, there shall be some catch to it, like a neurotic boss and psycho nasty colleagues or a bad pay scale. Sigh! We cannot ever ever have it all. 

Thirty isn't too old or is it?

I got high on apple cider last night. I am getting older. This is how you realise you are 30. You wake up in the morning with a hangover because you drank 4 bottles of cider. Like seriously!  My drunk stories ain't that drunk anymore. They are more of happy and buzzed stories when I have a great time over  barbq and conversations on modules and how all of us are dying together. I am not the only one having a tough time. So many of us hold the same views and opinion on the way of living here, how you are not allowed to think for yourself. I thought being an Indian I was probably being too critical but I was speaking to an Indonesian, a Thai girl and a Vietnamese classmate and they felt the same. I don't share a single module with them but they have had the same experiences and they get the same vibes I do from the Singaporeans. I wasn't imagining all of that.

The only reason I get offered notes in my PIL class is because I am good friends with Andy and Bettina who are Swiss. If not for the Swiss none of the Singaporeans would come out and offer me their carefully comprised notes. I get the fact that my brown skin will be held against me. I was under the impression it is more to do with my race so if I was an oriental they would be more friendly. I was wrong because my mates belonging to neighbouring countries and happening to be South East Asian are treated with the same disdain. So last evening we were exchanging notes and it was amazing how each one of  us had similar stories to tell without ever having discussed it with each other. But to be honest I am not so sensitive about this racial profiling. Given that it is Singapore I am more than happy going back and working in India.

This isn't some fascinating city I see myself in. If this was London or New York I wouldn't have given a  rat's arse to racialism at this level and stayed on and tried to make it there. There has to be more to a city than just clean roads, greenery, well managed traffic, malls and more malls. I love the safety bit. I love the fact that I can wear whatever I want and walk out anytime of the day without men checking me out from head to toe, without men mentally undressing me, without being objectified, without being felt up, without being scared that I am gonna get raped. I love all of this and this should be the case in any civilised city but sadly it isn't so in my country. But this isn't enough for me at least to stay on. I so miss my people. People make a city or it has to be as fabulous as a New York, Paris or a London and this place is far from that. I haven't been to those cities so I shouldn't be talking like I am authority on having lived there but I am so sure they are more interesting cities to live, work and stay while you are still young. :) Come now thirty isn't too old and I am not gonna stop dreaming, trying to get where I want to. Not as yet. 

I confess I am feeling rather happy today. I just uploaded my last written assignment for this semester. A 3000 word essay on the "written requirement" under the New York Convention. I went bonkers with the plagiarism check and just before I submitted it I realised I had gone dreadfully wrong with my footnoting. It took the better part of the hour between 2 to 3 rectifying that and finally I could heave a sigh of relief.

I have also chosen my modules for the next semester and needless to say it isn't getting any easier. Sigh! But of course 4 written exams to go before I can think of the new modules. The last three in succession and that shall be a trial by fire. I haven't given any exams in 7 years.:( Next semester Business & Finance is gonna kill me beautifully, skillfully and ever so slowly. I am so hoping I get the chance to be killed by it. Hmmmmm..... Bring it on.

 But dear Lord could I please pass these 5 modules first without flunking in any and without having to defend myself against any plagiarism charges. Please pleaseeeeeee! 

And when I least expect it something reminds me of Dad. Like this childhood friend of mine on Facebook. We haven't met in years and years but we belong to the common fauji background. Her Dad was in the army and to top that her brother joined the same battalion my Dad is from and her fiance is an infantry officer too. Anytime she puts up a status on us army kids or brats I feel so nostalgic for the childhood I had and mostly the Father who isn't there anymore. Baba not a day goes by when I don't think of you in some way or the other.You are always there somewhere around in my thoughts. It isn't that mind numbing empty restless ache anymore but that void will forever be there. You are missed. I hope I can in my own small way make you proud of me. Right now though everything seems like a maze and I seem to be stumbling, getting up, falling down and trying to walk in the direction of the light wondering where is this light coming from. No answers as yet. 

One month, six days to go and I am done with Semester 1. I can't hardly wait. I am gonna run away from Singapore that day to KL. 3 days there and off to India for a month. Yeayyyy!

But of course I need to get done with 4 exams before that.