I am not scared of 30. No I am not and that is also because I don’t really have an option. I can’t possibly be scared of turning 30 when it is scarcely 2 years away. Somehow 30 doesn’t sound as formidable a number as 40 does or am I over thinking and under estimating the power of 30 is it? Lemme see. How did I see myself at 30 back when I was 18. I can’t really remember and I am quite ashamed of the fact that at 18 I hadn’t envisioned what I might be at 30. It just shows how I didn’t know where exactly life was taking me and to the 28 year old now, the 18 year old me then should have been more motivated about life. Damn it I do not want this to be the story still at 40. I have the next couple of years still to do what I wanna do. Make something worthwhile out of my life and at least some of those dreams should come true. Actually one of them should and I don’t wanna be chucking that one dream further and further away each time I meet some loser of the opposite sex.
At 40 I’ll have no excuses left and I wonder why but at 40 beginning life all over again and inspiring myself some more would be an arduous task. Now is the only time I have. After all these disasters, most of which have been self made, some which have been inflicted upon me and the rest being plain destiny one thing that stands out the most is that I needed something like this to happen for me to realize I don’t really care as much as I thought I did. It doesn’t matter to me that much. I am fine on my own inside my head. I was such a nitwit all this while, all this fickin’ while. How many difficult pictures have I tried to paint time after time and it has got only more difficult after each stroke of the paint brush until I give up and break the picture. All my energy, all that vitality was being spent in that one direction. God I can be so tiresome sometimes or most of the time.
I went for a jog last evening as I have been doing the last couple of days but yesterday I actually jogged a really long stretch. Living in the army cantt has its advantages and how I feel at home in this place. Haha! I am staying with family friends I met after 18 years. I grew up surrounded by these people or my first decade on this earth was spent around these people. They didn’t blink an eyelid before they asked me to stay with them as long as I wanted to and as long as I was comfortable. I accepted the offer after my initial trepidation and I am so glad I did. Life has been so full of melodrama the last couple of years that I could write a book on it. Sometimes it gets entirely too exciting and borderline melodramatic. It must be me, has to be me who does this to herself time after time. Some tranquility and serenity please.