Sep 25, 2007
I've been waiting for that bright sunshine to show up and shine in my back door someday.
Yesterday was probably one of my lowest days in the recent past. I got up in the morning with that sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. That makes you feel all gloomy and morose, as if something is going to go wrong very soon. I hate those feelings, cos they are almost always correct or rather I like to believe it is. My first thought as I opened my eyes was how the hell am I supposed to last one whole day in the office feeling the way I do. I felt miserable that my castle of cards that I’d built with so much love is going to come crashing down very soon. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my tired face starring back at me, I had dark circles under my eyes, more so because I hadn’t bothered to remove the kajal properly the night before, my hair was tied untidily and my skin looked sallow. I couldn’t see even a trace of the rosy glow on my skin, which everyone had been talking about. I didn’t feel pretty. But again this isn’t about me being disappointed about the way I look. It doesn’t take too much of an effort to look nice really. A good shower and hair wash and its done.. I was content looking as haggard as I was looking. I felt depressed about my job. That thought has been eating away a part of my mind consistently for a while now. I am supposed to get confirmation of my employment after a year of working as a trainee and as the end of the week approaches I am getting jittery about being sent away to some other city. I don’t want to leave this city right now.
More than anything I am not in love with doing what I do and I find it hard explaining it to people that even though it doesn’t sound too bad I just do not like dealing with inanimate objects day in and day out. I have been getting nightmares about being handed my transfer orders by the end of the week. I was wondering if I should just look for a new job and I keep hearing about these tempting jobs that are offering so much more than I am earning. But changing jobs and starting from scratch again scares me a little. I know I will eventually. I cannot imagine working here forever. I wonder whom have I been trying to fool the last one year. I keep telling myself I like what I am doing. But I do not.
To top it all I have been on a hiatus to a different world lately. It was most unexpected. Its like bumping into some part of you which you didn’t even know existed. Someone that makes you get through the week. Like a treat that is yours for a brief period of time but is somebody else’s forever in reality. It’s a glorious feeling, its there but not there. You don’t want to loose it but you know you shall. The end was decided a long long time back. You wonder why do you feel the way you do. You question yourself and leave it at that. Doesn’t matter really. So if the first wretched thought in the morning also includes loosing the “happy and cheerful you” you have discovered then it does seem like life is so meaningless. What am I living for? Disappointing job, bye bye happiness, hullo loneliness. I don’t know how many phone calls I made last morning just trying to get over the morning blues. I called up Boss and said “I am not feeling well Sir so would it be alright if I don’t come in today.” He says “Yeah it is alright. Anyways what am I supposed to do if you aren’t feeling fine.”
How rude was that. Mind you I have taken only 8 days off the entire year. That made me doubly dejected. I called up Mum but she was in the midst of a class and cancelled my call. I sat and moped around all day, cried lots and lots, sent the longest mail to my best friend in Dubai pouring out my heart to her saying how I am about to loose everything that matters to me right now and I don’t even know how to build it all back. Can anyone teach me how to make sunshine, really the kinds that keeps you eternally happy? Would I need shine only or should I sprinkle some fairy dust into it too and a dash of happiness and a dollop of laughter, some gossamer too? I listened to “Romeo and Juliet” all morning like a complete fool only to realize that probably the song is making me feel even sadder. However as the day drew to an end making way for the evening I realized enough is enough. No more reveling in self-pity had to be woken up someday from this reverie and today had to be the day. I am going to face whatever has to be faced. If it means a change of job then be it, if it means loosing sunshine then be it. I’ll find some more some day. Someday I’ll come face to face with it again. There has to be a teeny meeny bit more sunshine hidden somewhere in this world. For dreamers like me there has to be more sunshine…