Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned

Confusion reigns supreme. Nothing seems to be falling into place. Sigh! All I ever wanted was peace of mind and some sanity. I always look at work for sanity and it always has given me sanity but this time I can’t even depend on work. It is creating even more mayhem and I am stuck in the middle of crossfire. Rest there is precious little I can do. How do I detach myself from all of this?

Early mornings are the worst. I wake up with that empty empty feeling at dawn and cannot go back to sleep and all my demons come to haunt me. Last night though I thought that waking up happy, light and sunshiny cannot be that far away, it will happen in the not so distant future, however down in the dumps I am feeling now.

There are patches when I forget stuff but that is only when I am involved in an even bigger battle at work. So I really don’t know where to look for solace. All said and done I have seen worse times. But you know what it hurts so bad only cos I thought I had come so close to tranquility in my head and it is all broken into fragments now.

Its all up and down and up and down and how I crave for human company and how I abhor human company at the same time. I reach these highs and lows in every conversation with a close friend when I have moments when I am like when will this stupid hollow feeling go and then I have these brilliant patches when I feel I am oh so strong and I can handle anything. But the latter just doesn’t last and the former comes back and in a battle between the two, despair seems to have the upper hand now.

Teri aahatein nahin hai

How do you solve a problem like me?

How to listen to music on your head phones so much so that you are addicted to it and only becos you are trying to distract yourself from something else?

How to mess up something perfectly good in a space of one day?

How to realize that sometimes, most times there ain’t no second chances?

How to be forced into distraction thanks to day long meetings?

How to distract yourself on a lazy Saturday afternoon at work by writing a blog post?

How to realize that the more gung ho your professional life gets the more in shambles your love life is?

How not to stop looking at ficking bbm 24/7?

How to sign out of bbm without deleting the application?

How to dream of a phone less world when I could just chuck this silly smart phone away?

How to realize that all those who love you, also love the impulsive, hyper you and you needn’t change so much?

How to realize that it should be take it or leave it?

How did I realise that I don't feel half as empty as much as I used to before when I was younger, even till 8, 9 months back?

I have answers to some of those questions and some I don't. :)

Guess what I am growing up. Indeed I am. Yeayyyyy!

How moody is too moody?

I wanna cook excitedly again. I think I kinda did so 2 days back when Saggy was in town and we did a continental take on chicken when we lovingly marinated it in red wine, mustard, soya sauce and garlic. It was more like a pot roast actually with mushrooms and baby corn and it went splendidly with plain brown bread. How I love cooking with her! And how could I ever forget that she literally taught me how to cook and made me fall in love with it too when I needed to find a suitable distraction in life. Though cooking and I have this love hate relationship and I go through phases when I just don’t feel like lifting a finger in the kitchen and phases when I am pushed to cook and I come up to the occasion and rustle up something surprisingly good in a jiffy. Gawd why am I sooooooooo moody with so many things in my life like reading for instance or even television. I’ll go through this reading copiously phases when I’ll read on my way to work in the Metro, on my way back home from work, read before falling off to sleep and then there are phases like now when I have unfinished books strewn all over my house. They are all half read and quarter read. I wanna finish all of those.

My love for television is extremely new found. I mean I was never ever a TV addict but movie addict I was yes in my early twenties. My money used to go bust watching every movie in town and even if I didn’t have money for food, I sure could gather my pennies for that one last movie ticket. I never watched sitcoms voraciously like soooooo many people I know swear by them. I saw Desperate Housewives for a bit and all the seasons of Friends cos the whole universe watched Friends. But besides that hmmmmm maybe CSI sometimes and when I was way younger in another century and a different age, I used to religiously watch Moonlighting, Remington Steele, Picket Fences, The X-Files and Beverly Hills 90210. I never saw “Lost” and I haven’t seen a single episode of “How I met Your Mother” and can you beat that? Hahaha! I am so willfully oblivious of them and couldn’t care less unless I stumbled upon them and something caught my fancy like Criminal Minds or Bones. I realize I like crime based shows, totally dig them so I indulge in Fox Crime every once in a while but my favouritest channel remains TLC. How I look forward to watching Donna Hay cook up her so called simple exotic meals and even watch a bunch of idiotic blondes trying to look cute and sexy while exploring new places in Get Out. And I so enjoy Man Vs Food. Every time I am left in awe of Adam Richman and his giant appetite.

But the one and only thing I never get bored stiff with and never go through a love hate phase with would be writing. Strange this is. I never realized it until now.

About new friendships and chinks in my armour

Guess who’s got a nagging headache due to an overdose of wine last night and there was no need to finish that bottle all by myself long after the boys had left. I really don’t require even the semblance of a hangover today when there is so much to strike off my To Do List.

Why is it that people always always find that one chink in your armour or rather why do they look for chinks and cracks in your armour? For instance my house is perfectly clean and everything is in order or so I like to think. I am quite the cleanliness freak but no not in the OCD way but I like my surroundings to be clean and things to be in their rightful place as much as possible considering the fact that I am not at home all day. However I haven’t found the time to clean my fans which frankly look not so clean and I am quite ashamed of it. But this winter has been freezing cold and I work 6 days a week and I manage to do all the dusting on Sundays but the fans seem to be a gargantuan task. Hmmphhhh! I don’t wanna spend the substantial part of the only day of the week that I get to myself ,being all dirty and dusty. So the boys came home last night and trust them to point a finger at the fans saying “ Kya haalat bana key rakha hai pankhon ka!” I was like “Uffff not a word is said about how pretty my living room looks with the pink and purple curtains or the pink and purple rug and the cane chairs and the coffee table. But of course you have to find fault with the fans.“

I actually made a new friend at work and she happens to be 6 years younger to me. Though she is younger to my sister yet in my head I treat her as an almost equal. I guess that has something to do with us working at the same place. NS is one of the prettiest women I have ever known. She looks like a different version of Nargis Fakhri and she is so oblivious of her beauty and that is the most appealing part about it. I guess we are never too late to make new friends however much we believe that our school friends and college friends will be the ones who’d remain by our side forever but somehow along the way you meet like minded people and wooosssh that one connect and you never look back. Like Saggy and Megha for instance. I feel I have known Saggy for decades and with Megha time just comes to a standstill and we are transported back to Bangalore, fooling around at work and gossiping about Walrus. It seems only yesterday we met when it has actually been almost 4 years. Even age isn’t a barrier to friendship and NS makes me realize that every day when we sneak into the cafeteria for coffee breaks or the longer and more delicious and aromatic tomato soup breaks. Those are definitely the best bits of my days this winter.

It reminded me of her

Last morning as I washed my hair amidst the icy chill that has crept in everywhere through every little nook and cranny and is omnipresent and that first moment when I lathered the shampoo on to my hair and that faint whiff of smell that comes from my hair which is effectively just the smell of my hair. All of us have our smells which we are familiar with and however many shampoos, bath gels and lotions you might use and change, each one of us have that one unique smell of human skin and hair which is essentially only you. Well last morning my hair didn’t smell like my hair at all and that first whiff smelt like someone else’s. It wasn’t me. It was the smell of my sister’s hair and my hair smelt exactly how her hair smells like and I know so, what with all the hugging, kissing and fighting we have done over the years, I so know how her thick plait of freshly washed hair smells like as I have tugged it playfully millions of times or and how many times have I kissed that huge careless pile of tresses that she makes when she isn’t in the mood to fuss around.  I was strangely happy because it reminded me of her. It reminded me of her dark flashy eyes. It reminded me of her dimpled smile that both of us share.  How beautifully bizarre is that one frozen nippy winter morning the smell of my hair  reminded me of her !!!!

If you do leave

             Painting-Branches of an Almond Tree in Blossom by Vincent Van Gogh

 I asked myself am I doing all of this just for you. I am doing up my house bit by bit, day by day, weekend by weekend, spending hours conjuring up the exact shade of orangish yellow that the curtains should be and wondering where can I get the best deal with the lamp shades, checking up flee stores for that perfect coffee table and how I wanted only the warmest colours for the rug in the living room. I wanted a mirror too. The prettiest mirror for my mirror less bedroom. Was I about to do all of this just for you? Am I gonna decorate the only two  rooms that I use in my large apartment, in anticipation of your coming visit and if things fall apart am I gonna look around at all these vibrant colours surrounding me and these mint fresh new things that’ll fill up the empty spaces in my house and feel it was all in vain? Can new things fill up the empty spaces in your heart and when people leave do the spaces only become more vast?  Am I gonna land up with a whole new bunch of bric bracs but an even emptier space inside my heart if you do leave?

Bring it on 2012

How do you envisage your 2012 to be? There were these super positive status messages doing rounds on FB those couple of days and most read something like “2011 you were legendary, 2012 you better be fabulous too.” Hahah! What fun as the world seems filled up with such happy people even if it is just for that one measly, paltry day. I had an incredibly sarcastic one put up but anyone who knows me could have probably seen the bubble of happiness waiting to come out, lurking behind the mockery I made of my year gone by. I couldn’t help but end 2011 on an increasingly happier note.

I spent a lovely 3 days at Yercaud with family. It was all sunshine, blue blue skies, the chilly wind of the hills and lots of walking and taking pretty pictures and enjoying that one odd drink every evening with my Uncle and in the company of my Mommy and Aunt. Chennai was stormy, rainy and dark for the better part of my last 4days there. That didn’t deter me from meeting old friends at Chamiers. The city doesn’t seem to change and it somehow manages to retain that charm despite the hustle and the bustle around. Tinni was in town too and we ushered in the New Year’s together with her cousin. We did the usal coffee at Chamiers and Amethyst. I missed Shivi since my fondest memories of the city are attached with her and our madness together. We couldn’t make it to Zara for a drink because it was opening its gates only at 6:30 that day and Tinni and I arrived half an hour early with zero patience in our systems.

I have very little idea on how 2012 is gonna turn out to be. But hope lies eternal and for once I am not gonna talk about goals and milestones to be achieved. As long as the year is interspersed with generous sprinklings of holidays and time spent with my loved ones and favouritest people, we’ll deal with the rest there and then. Bring it on 2012. I am ready.

Sunshine

                               Painting by Dreama Tolle Perry


She went running from one end of the building to another. It was all a maze with every floor having at least 6 court rooms and the building having different wings. She couldn’t quiet remember which court room number was the case in or even which floor. She was running short of time as the Judges began their proceedings for the day, sharp at 10. The court rooms smelt of a curious mixture of old paper, that decaying smell that comes from the stacks and stacks of dusty files, piled one on top of the other and a clinical smell of the disinfectant that strips away every bit of the individual character of the rooms and brings them all to an equal level, much like a Court wherein the barriers and divides between the two parties are broken for just that short span of time before the Judge.

It was a cold winter morning in December and the court rooms were draughty with wind whistling in through the cracks of the window panes and one could see the city shrouded in fog. Winter was late this year and the predictable meteorological department had not been able to predict the sudden offset of winter. She still hadn’t found the correct court room because all the rooms looked identical in every floor. All she remembered of that particular court room that day had been the sunlight that had come flooding in through the west facing windows. That court room had been oddly devoid of any dampness and the Judge had seemed particularly vigorous and lively.

Just five minutes to go and there were 6 rooms left for her inspect and find out the correct court room or had she mistakenly missed it when she saw a shaft of sunlight being reflected on one shining wooden door. She ran inside through the half opened door and there it was, all brown and warm with polished wooden surfaces, the sunniest Court Room of all, in the dark and dingy District Court Complex.

The one in which it feels like 2006 and we watch some more television and crib some more.

By the looks of it, it seems that, this just might be the first December in 5 years that I don't mess up, rather  ***K UP royally. Wow! Or am I reacting a little too early. Hahah! I don't know. But for once I am not in the midst of some random romantic entanglement with one of those vague yet obnoxiously attractive("only to me") men. My status in life right now would be "Not looking for another romantic disaster. I need time to breathe pleaseeee!" Don't I say this everytime and every single time I get into something worse than the last time. Hmmmpphhh! When am I gonna get it right as in not try at all. I don't need to give everything a shot, okay not everything but even almost everything a shot. I need to sit around quietly doing my thing and not look for romance at all. How do you that? How does one stop hoping completely? That is never going to happen, the not hoping part.

Oh and I received useful advice from someone who earns his living doing something which is a glorified and a much fancier version of what I do or the kind of role he has is what I see myself doing ten years down the line. He agreed that I wouldn't want to be so very specialised with my knowledge at 28 but at the end of the day everybody needs to master some domain knowledge and that was what struck me. I am gonna keep this little piece of advice in my head.

My evenings are devoted solely to my new LED television. I watch 3 solid hours of television and the highlight being the one hour of Masterchef USA. Somewhere in the middle I manage to rustle up dinner and exercise but all of that is done with the television on. Reading has taken a backseat but I am sure it'll be back with a bang. It always has and always does. Oh and with the new tv and the new geyser I have spent almost all my salary so I actually have no option but to sit at home and watch TV and eat home cooked meals.

Batty and I watch the same television programs, she at her place at fancy Bandra(forever cribbing about I only have one room ya) and me in my empty, large apartment in akin-to-satellite-township so not fancy Dwarka, while talking on the phone and we talk about the same thing at least 3 days a week and it feels so 2006, just that we are like 5 years older now and we really need to grow up and move on but alas something will never change. The cities have changed from Chennai to Bombay and Delhi respectively but the singlehood blues have only taken on strange proportions now. Hahaha! But a large part of it is just spent laughing at ourselves and I genuinely feel that laughter cannot be that bad. :)

"Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it. If you are happy in your head, then solitude is blessed and alone is okay."

Tanya Davis

And I am a fame whore.

                                Coutesy: http://www.popartmachine.com/

I was talking to an old college friend of mine last evening about the recent happenings in my life namely the deal that went awry. He listens to my whole story in detail and chuckles and says “After having known you for 10 years and having been witness to some of your shenanigans and heard the rest, this was the only one that was missing. This is like the cherry on the cake. “ I was like how can you say that? You think I like doing these things to myself or I like the fact that these things happen to me knowingly, unknowingly or voluntarily or involuntarily. No I don’t, at least not all the time. When I was younger and something/anything amusing would happen it would be one story to be told to the entire gang even if they were sitting across 7 oceans. I remember calling up P in London and keeping her up to date with stories of my misdeeds. This particular episode wasn’t that. It is not something I would add to my repertoire of stories fondly. I wasn’t getting cheap kicks even relating this incident. Emotionally it was exhausting even if I wasn’t exactly in love or anything remotely to being in love. It was just relief and whew when it was over.

I know when I am old and look back on my twenties,  it would be a youth well spent, chequered with the most bizarre and funniest happenings, but all my mistakes, well I am still embarrassed about some of them, the wrong judgments and all of that. There would be a couple of incidents I would want to go back and change and no they wouldn’t be the ones dealing with unrequited love or failed love affairs but the times when I made a terrible judgment or a stupid weak moment and so much was lost in the process. The only other thing I would obviously change would be to have my Father back in my life. The more I grow older, the more I miss the man. I didn’t think I would think about him every single day, not the fact that he passed away the way he did but just the simple truth that he isn’t there to laugh about something silly or that he isn’t available to just call and bug and crib about nonsensical things or even throw a tantrum. Even in my most weakest moment just before I made a terrible terrible fool of myself I have thought about him and missed him. The truth also is that after Dad’s passed away and if I am single I cannot handle more than 4 drinks in my system.

And I am not a fame whore. I like attention only from the closest people in my life. I know I have a colourful past but yeah it is just that. I am anything but complacent about it nor can I deny its existence. It is just there and always will be there.

Self Pity Is A Dead End Road

                                                    Painting by Mark Schwartz

You were gonna be in LA and I was going to Boston and we would’ve met up at New York. Hahaha!

Last night you told me you were tired of listening to the same thing I have said again and again over the course of the last 5 years and I agreed. On my thirtieth year I had better live up to that promise or else it’ll be one of those things I never ever did in spite of wanting it so badly, like my insides ache badly.

And yes for the last 5 years we have spent an enormous amount of time apologizing or feeling dejected for the people we are, we were or have turned out to be. No more. This is me. Take it or leave it. Yes I goof up sometimes, be it in my personal life, my relationships, at work and even if you don’t believe me but the goof ups ain’t always intentional. I am an idiot to have worn those goof ups on my sleeve but please point out another person who’ll accept the fact oh so readily that she can be wrong, frightfully wrong and acknowledge that it could’ve been done another way, a better way. Believe you me I try and I won’t become that changed person in a day. But I am getting there. I know I am. :)

Cheers to that.

This is something I read which expressed so articulately what I should tell myself when I am down and out.

“I’m a socialist at heart, but when it comes to the actual, individual way we live our lives, I adhere to an entirely pull-oneself-up-by-one’s-bootstraps creed. Nobody’s going to do your life for you. You have to do it yourself, whether you’re rich or poor, out of money or raking it in, the beneficiary of ridiculous fortune or terrible injustice. And you have to do it no matter what is true. No matter what is hard. No matter what unjust, sad, sucky things have befallen you. Self-pity is a dead end road. You make the choice to drive down it. It’s up to you to decide to stay parked there or to turn around and drive out.”

And what are you grateful for?

I am grateful for a million things. I am grateful for every breath I take, each moment that I am alive and healthy . I am grateful for the unconditional love of my family, Mommy, Bonu, Aunt, Uncle and Great Aunt. I am grateful for the friends I have, the fun, the laughter shared when are together , the sheer joy of having been together through some of the best and worst years of our lives, the friends  who always stand by me through the self made disasters and who shake me up from my slumber.  I am grateful that for each fall I have had I could get up, shake the dust away and walk on.  I am grateful even for the inconsequential friendships at work because though they might not be playing a pivotal role in my life but during the lowest times they gave a semblance of sanity to my life.  I am grateful that I can sing along to songs happily on my way to work every morning. I am grateful that I am able to dream and work towards them without the burden of negativity that had encompassed my dreams some time back. I am oh so grateful that I can be happy on my own, for the peace and calm inside my head. I am grateful for the cheerfulness within me, for only 2 years back all I had inside me was bitterness and cynicism.  I am grateful that I can spend the half an hour after lunch just writing this and that after all of this I still love to write even if its gibberish.

Love Someone Like You are 8

 Inspired by Love Someone Like You Are 6 by Stephanie Georgopulos.

Love someone like you are 8. Go play in the part of the park that is right in front of his house every summer evening  or cycle right past his house time after time, just to get one glimpse of him, hoping he’ll come out and play with you. Share story books with him, borrow his Hardy Boys and lend him your Enid Blytons.  Bitch about how Nancy Drew Case Files are too grown up for the likes of both of you.

Love someone like you are 8 and make him confess his feelings for you on New Year’s eve in front of his younger brother who happens to be 7 years old. Taunt him all evening till he actually comes out with his childish love for you sharp at 12 at night.

Love someone like you are 9 and one winter night manage sneaking out of a party at the army mess to spend some time together away from the prying eyes of the elders and the other kids, when you ask him all bashfully yet seriously “So why do you love me?”  and he looks back at the bespectacled you with that boyish smile and says something as simple as “I suppose the liking part.” and melts your heart.

Love someone like you are 9 and have a water fight with him in his garden when he sprays water all over you and both of you are laughing and giggling and fighting over whose gonna take the hose from whom not realizing that both of you are dripping wet,  looking like a pair of bedraggled crows until his Father comes and instructs both of you to stop it.

Love someone like you are 9 when you accuse him of winking at the new girl in his school, jealous in your heart of hearts that both of you ain’t in the same school anymore and watch him defend himself saying he can’t believe that you think he did that.

Love someone like you are almost 10 and say Good Bye to him at the train station when he looks into your eyes and at your sad tear streaked face and consoles you saying “Don’t Worry we’ll meet again.” And you never meet him again.

Bump into him at 25 at a bar, where you are sitting with a bored look on your face, sipping a Bloody Mary, smoking a cigarette and thinking of ways and means to get out of the gathering and all of a sudden see that old familiar face, now grown up to be a handsome, dreamy eyed version of the boy you used to love at 8, 9 and 10.  Notice beside him, his fragile,  china doll of a girl friend who screams bohemian chic. Pretend you don’t recognize him and walk past by him, blowing smoke rings in the air, in defiance of all that you will never be.

Dedicated to GK  who was actually and truly the only Childhood Sweetheart I ever had. Because you won't remember any of these incidents. Because the first time we spoke after 18 years was on Skype and you called me by my real name and not my nick name. Because you apparently have no recollection of me now. Hahaha! What fun!

Just so you know I won't give it up no more. I promise I won't. :D

28 going on 40

                                          Image Courtesy:www.GJanisseArtist.com

I am not scared of 30. No I am not and that is also because I don’t really have an option. I can’t possibly be scared of turning 30 when it is scarcely 2 years away. Somehow 30 doesn’t sound as formidable a number as 40 does or am I over thinking and under estimating the power of 30 is it? Lemme see. How did I see myself at 30 back when I was 18. I can’t really remember and I am quite ashamed of the fact that at 18 I hadn’t envisioned what I might be at 30. It just shows how I didn’t know where exactly life was taking me and to the 28 year old now, the 18 year old me then should have been more motivated  about life. Damn it I do not want this to be the story still at 40. I have the next couple of years still to do what I wanna do. Make something worthwhile out of my life and at least some of those dreams should come true. Actually one of them should and I don’t wanna be chucking that one dream further and further away each time I meet some loser of the opposite sex.

At 40 I’ll have no excuses left and I wonder why but at 40 beginning life all over again and inspiring myself some more would be an arduous task. Now is the only time I have. After all these disasters, most of which have been self made, some which have been inflicted upon me and the rest being plain destiny one thing that stands out the most is that I needed something like this to happen for me to realize I don’t really care as much as I thought I did. It doesn’t matter to me that much. I am fine on my own inside my head.  I was such a nitwit all this while, all this fickin’ while.  How many difficult pictures have I tried to paint time after time and it has got only more difficult after each stroke of the paint brush until I give up and break the picture. All my energy, all that vitality was being spent in that one direction. God I can be so tiresome sometimes or most of the time.

I went for a jog last evening as I have been doing the last couple of days but yesterday I actually jogged a really long stretch. Living in the army cantt has its advantages and how I feel at home in this place. Haha! I am staying with family friends I met after 18 years.  I grew up surrounded by these people or my first decade on this earth was spent around these people.  They didn’t blink an eyelid before they asked me to stay with them as long as I wanted to and as long as I was comfortable.  I accepted the offer after my initial trepidation and I am so glad I did. Life has been so full of melodrama the last couple of years that I could write a book on it.  Sometimes it gets entirely too exciting and borderline melodramatic.  It must be me, has to be me who does this to herself time after time.  Some tranquility and serenity please.

 

Guess what I did! I almost burnt my thumb due to an overdose of the nail polish remover that was being used by me so that I could remove the then ugly dark green nail polish and paint my toes pretty silver. The skin came off in bits and pieces because this darned nail polish remover was so strong and the end result being I am unable to sign into the office fingerprint impression register and mark myself as present. Hmmphhhh! The damned machine refuses to accept the fact that this thumb belongs to me still. It might be burnt with new skin growing but it is still mine. Hmmphhh! Officially I have been absent for  4 days now.

A deal that went awry

I am feeling extremely headachy these days. Every alternate day and I have these blinding headaches. Maybe it’s the stress of the last couple of months manifesting itself in this fashion that I am incapacitated all day.  Now that I look back there were so many little signs showing that this isn’t the way it is supposed to be and that constant feeling of tiredness and sleeplessness that refused to go away.

I want my normal, mundane ordinary life back. I want that carefully structured routine to be back in its place.  Yesterday after a longtime I was PMSing and I tell you it just felt so regular because to PMS and to feel moody and angry for no reason is ordinary and I haven’t had that luxury the last 4 months because there was always so much to be livid about and all my bad moods had a tangible reason to it which could be pointed out to the very crux of the matter.

I think I finally had a restful night’s sleep after Monday when everything including my gorgeus engagement ring was returned. It hit me that now I can refuse to take the calls and shall not be forced to entertain those familiar numbers. There was no reason left whatsoever anymore. Or else in Cal all of last week Mum and I would cringe every time the phone rang and an unfamiliar number or an all too familiar unwanted phone number flashed on our phone screens.  God I can be such a scaredy cat I tell you. I guess to cut away family ties has been as difficult as I thought it would be and in some aspects it has been surprisingly easy too.  There was nothing emotional about this, nothing at all.

I don't feel empty or hollow from inside that I probably have felt before nor do I miss anyone and I so don't look back at those times fondly or wistfully. To have spent so much time with  a bunch of people and not to blink an eyelid when its over,  well that does speak volumes. Its like a deal that went awry and you know what it was never meant to be a deal and that is what was twisted about this whole thing.

Thank you but no thank you. That is that. Oh and I didn't want my wings to be clipped. Maybe the realisation hit me too late besides the others that were staring back at me. I love my life too much you see. That was gonna be no life at all and not the way I see myself living it at the least. This has been such an eye opener. I came soooo close to losing it all. Narrow escape indeed.

All I wanna do is to curl up somewhere and sleep and sleep.