When did we become like this?

So guess what I have two goals set out in my head and they don’t seem as improbable as they would have seemed even a couple of years back. Yeah I have two of these goals. One of which have to be worked on right away while the other would depend on a number of factors. Gawd I have been so lost for the longest time. I wonder why confusion has reigned supreme always. Is it normal? I still am confused mind you but maybe the vision is clearing up. Okie enough of this warped mind of mine.

Moving on to the fun things I have done lately. I went on a holiday to Thailand with one of my closest bffs and had such a joyous time exploring the lanes and bylanes, eating in those pretty restaurants by the beach, shopping and yes cheap shopping and walking around experiencing the sights and smells of the country. I’ll remember our last evening as both of us went for a long walk late at night on Walking Street trying to freeze all our memories as none of us were carrying a camera and came across this Syrian sand artist who created the most gorgeus art. M sat on the pavement a little ahead smoking a cigarette lost in her own world humming to the music coming from a night club while giving the curious passersby that hands off I am only enjoying my smoke look . I on the other hand was making conversation with this guy from Syria as he used sand to make this striking picture for me on the insides of a glass bottle. He said he travels to a different country each year selling his beautiful wares. In hindsight I hope the person to whom I am gifting the picture to appreciates it cos I have such happy memories of the picture being crafted.

Anyways I am back in Delhi and I am not taking any holidays very soon except for Pujas next month. Yeayyy I get to go home and be with Mum and Sis. I am so looking forward to that. Or else it has just been the ordinary life of work and home interspersed with gym and meeting up with friends once in a while. I have turned into quite the recluse and I know that I really need to be getting out and meeting some new people so surprise surprise this Saturday I am going to Supriya’s place cos its her husband Arjun’s birthday and they sent out the cutest invite and I couldn’t resist saying a yes to it. Wow I am actually not gonna be sitting at home on a Saturday night eating a boring dinner and watching that boring Saturday night movie. When did we become like this?

Batty and I were talking about how we used to be such happy happy shiny people a couple of years back until real life happened. I mean we are still happy and all of that but that pure unadulterated happiness has deluded us or maybe we think it has. And when I do have my bad days they are so bad that I just wanna be swallowed inside the earth and only wanna come out when I feel alright. But I also realize that it is all about living it through and the bad days or the bad times do pass away. The sun does come out or so we hope. After all we live in hope as someone very dear to me told me one time.

Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

Dedicated to Baba on his 61st birthday. This is the second year that you haven't been around but needless to say you were the first thing on my mind this morning yet again as I opened my eyes to a world without you.

For all that is now, all that was then and all that never was...

I have been wanting to blog for some time now but the urge comes at the strangest of times. Say in the middle of an all important meeting and we are amidst debating on a very valid point and I get this need to capture my thoughts of this very moment into a post. Of course it doesn’t happen and this moment passes me by. Or I am sitting in Sarvana Bhawan with my Boss and a Senior Manager and over a cup of filter coffee and a plateful of delicious steamed idlis we’ll discuss everything right from work to the sordid state of the Commonwealth Games or something as mundane as Contract Management or how grueling NDA had been to my Senior Manager when he joined it at the age of 16. Guess I am so fond of him because he is an ex-Army Officer and a true blue fauji. There is something so comforting about meeting some of these army men. They remind me so much of Baba. I am totally at ease and he has this silent faith in me which is a little surprising considering the fact that I haven’t been around for a longtime. Yes I am capable and all of that but I’d like to think that it also stems from the fact that I am an army brat and he feels an affinity because I know where he comes from and the feeling is mutual. So as I was saying just as people want to freeze moments into a picture I want to be able to capture my thoughts into specific posts at that exact point of time but alas it really doesn’t happen. The examples and incidents I gave earlier were so much more than what I described them in not so many words above. Moving on to other things. My roomie is being oh so stingy. I am so irritated. She is being tightfisted about ear buds and its pissing me to no end. I mean come on they are just ear buds. Hmmmmphhhhh!


Oh and it was my birthday last week and I was surprised at the number of wishes.  I had even removed my birth date from my Facebook profile but then even if one person remembers and wishes you on your wall then it starts appearing on everybody’s mini feed and the game is up. Mona and I were out that evening though it poured and I almost thought that our plans would fall apart but she convinced me to book a cab and get out early in order to avoid the traffic. There we were four of us with bottles of wine and lots of yummy food. I drank a little too much wine and not to forget the bottle of champagne. As I do every birthday I loved the importance given to me on that one day of the year when I am the centre of attraction or at least I like to think so. Hehehe! By the time we headed home both of us were a wee bit tipsy and happy. Needless to say I had a slight hangover next morning and first half of the morning was spent nursing it and looking all gloomy and morose in office. I also got flowers, lots and lots and a cake and chocolates. Made my day yeayyyyyyy! The next two days were spent taking people from work out for dinners and lunches. I had a heavy and delightful Indian dinner with two of my work colleagues and an amazing Andhra lunch at Andhra Bhawan with a different bunch. I love there spicy, hot Andhra food and we gorged on the mutton and the prawn curry besides the usal fare of sambar and various chutneys and accompanying vegetables with unpronounceable names. (Sorry for that.)

I also happened to meet up with Fido, George and S at Morrisson for drinks after a long long time. I met up with S after two whole years. My last meeting with him had been at Morrisson 2 years back when I left Delhi and it was pure deja’ vu. This old friend of ours saw the two of us together and had that quizzical look on his face cos we hadn’t been seen together there since 2007 when we used to be there some 3 days of the week, him grooving to the music and me singing along first and head banging later once the music got a little heavier and the drinks got me high. S was just as friendly as he had been when I first met him in Delhi all those years back but the difference being that this time I wasn’t gonna fall for that bait. But yeah was so much fun meeting up with the trio and it felt like nothing had changed though Fido and I have had life altering circumstances. And life went on for me and for S and I didn’t miss him as much as I had thought I would when I first left Delhi. Maybe we build up things way bigger than what they actually are in our head. We feel we’ll never meet newer people who’ll make us feel the way we had before. Of course no one makes you feel the exact same way but you do feel just that the feelings are different cos the person is different. One does fall out of love or whatever that was and when you meet the person again you feel nothing, nothing at all but just a little wistful maybe for all that was then and all that never was.

The War Was Kissed Goodbye

65 years on and they are yet to establish the identity of the sailor and the nurse in this classic photograph that went on to define the expression of joy of a nation at its moment of greatest triumph. The day the Japanese surrender in World War II was announced, a sailor grabbed a nurse in the middle of Times Square, bent her back and kissed her. This iconic photograph stands by the memory of the joy and relief that swept across America signalling the beginning of an era and most importantly end of the terrible War that claimed millions of lives.

I could really use a wish right now.

What is with you, me and airports? Yeah too many hullos and goodbyes in airports. But seeing that beaming face of yours was worth it. And yes I love spikes. Keep it that way.

I was at the new terminal today for close to two hours and yes it is big, bright, new and swanky. I was told that it bears some resemblance to Heathrow. I wouldn't know since I haven't ever stepped out of the country and somehow saddi colourful Dilli seems to be far cry from distant, cold and grey London even if the new airport might have been modelled partly on the Heathrow and that wouldn't be surprising at all.

I have had a relatively quiet weekend but for dinner at Def Col with Mona and a couple of friends on Thursday night. I met a bunch of new people, well almost and one of them turned out to be a senior from college and an ex-colleaugue cos he was working in the same organisation I happen to be working in. Mona and I didn't touch a drop of alcohol after our over dose in Goa the week before while the other two kept ordering one whiskey after another and they for the life of them couldn't figure out how we were so chirpy and full of life sans any alcohol and finally came to the conclusion that these two women are plain high on life. Hahahha!

I picked up this book called Darlingji by Kishwar Desai and it is the love story of Nargis and Sunil Dutt and is checkered with such interesting historical filmy anecdotes. She weaves history of the times so effortlessly within the storyline which is essentially Nargis and Sunil Dutt's story.

Six months is a long long time or at least it seems so right now. But maybe it won't be as long as I think it is gonna be. This life of mine will never cease to surprise. There is sooooooo much to be done. This is just the beginning me thinks. Do you think so too?

Oohhh yeah my butt is big!!!!!!

I had to, had to put this one up. This is Nike's latest advertisement promoting their new range of butt enhancing shoes. For all you women out there with BIG assets. This one is for us. :-)

Goa

Goa was fun, fun and fun. I wanted to write an entire post on it. Those 3 days passed by like the blink of an eyelid and woah I was back in dusty Dilli and back to my everyday ordinary life. Though I brought back with me memories of the green grassy lands, the smell of wet earth, flowery dresses, pink beads, the salty sea, tables laden with the most scrumptious food, alcohol induced conversations so typical of us girls, endless bike rides in the rain, my transparent raincoat with sunflowers all over, walking all alone on the moon lit beach happily humming to some song and knowing that my friends are sitting close by and I can return to them anytime I want to. There couldn’t have been a better place to run away to but Goa.

What is it with empty houses that it repulses me?

Batty left this morning at 8 for her flight and I am left yet again with an almost empty house and an empty room. What is with empty houses that it repulses me? I mean I am all for my space and living on my own and doing my own thing but no I do not necessarily like coming back home with nobody to greet me. Every time any of my friends and family visit I am oh so happy cos when I come back home in the evening their presence will somehow drain all the tiredness and the possible negativity of a work day away. A couple of years back I remember going through my customary boy troubles and picking up Paulo Coelho’s The Zahir on a whim hoping to find some answers there. His writings then still had some of the magic of the The Alchemist and hadn’t become repetitive and as saturated and commercial as they have become today . There was this one particular paragraph on being alone I remember reading. It said something along the lines of how at the end of the day nobody likes being alone and so many of us make our peace with it but given a choice we wouldn’t wanna be walking along this pathway of life all on your own. We humans are born to share, give, take and we thrive on interaction. Loneliness can drive us to insanity and the sooner we realize it the better.

And yet the feeling that surfaced was one of oppressive, distressing loneliness – not having someone with whom I could share the city, the walk, the things I’d like to say...there is nothing worse than the feeling that no one cares whether we exist or not, that no one is interested in what we have to say about life, and that the world can continue turning without our awkward presence.

And I'll never be satisfied until there is nothing left that I haven't tried."

“Do you know what you are getting into before you make snap decisions like that?”

“Its worked with me 27 years of my life. I mean almost.”

“Sounds fair but hear me out. This time it is gonna be slightly different.”


Years later when I look back that one evening and one conversation we had in my room in the lamp light, you on my bed and me on my orange chattai, will be the one memory that stands out in the many hundreds of memories I have of you.

Moving on to more happy things. Supriya and I went a teeny meeny bit berserk yesterday as she encouraged me to shop till I drop for Goa. I began rather innocently wanting to pick up a pair of shorts from the sale and landed up with a complete alternate wardrobe for Goa. Sigh! I can’t wait to wear all that colourful clothing. Tee hee! Such excitement I say.

I began last week rather tearfully with my usal melodrama and ended it on a cheerful note shopping with Sup. That was just what the doctor ordered cos my mid-week blues threatened to overcome all the possible happiness. We spoke and spoke and even if we meet once in 6 months and don’t talk on the phone at all but for the g talk sessions once in a while, it is so easy to talk to her as one can say of close friends. I didn’t feel like going back to my empty house and to my thoughts on a Saturday evening so I stayed out till 10:30. By the time I got back I was filled to the brim with glee over my newly acquired clothes and the usal thrill over my new bath gel, shampoo, face scrub etc. Gawddd how I love such simple pleasures.

Guess what I picked up the other day? A pedestal fan. Yes my ceiling fan is good for nothing and having the AC on all the time is proving to be a lil expensive on my pockets especially in this rainy season as many a time you don’t need the AC at all but for my useless ceiling fan. So here I am with a brand new white pedestal fan that works beautifully and transports me to my very own windy land. I carried it on a cycle rickshaw all the way from Sector 12 to Sector 7 where I live much to the amusement of the passersby.

As I type all of this down I realize I have had no profound realization off late that I would like to share or nothing funny to relate. I am just babbling for nothing. There was one heart rending conversation that shall play on my mind forever but then that is all. I am actually living one day to the other not planning at all. Wowwww! When did this happen?

Love The Way You Lie

Dearest Habit,

I was at home today, all of today. I sat at home all day doing nothing but reading my Charlie Parker mystery by John Connolly. Speaking of which I am a sucker for this guy’s writing. Has anyone ever tried reading his thrillers? He is Irish American I believe but his descriptions transport me effortlessly to snow covered misty Brooklyn on a gloomy evening or the dark and smelly alleys of not a so alluring New York. Okie I seem to be digressing cos originally this was supposed to be addressed to Habit. Maybe you Habit need to be forgotten completely now.

Now Habit has lived past the expiry date one way or the other. So time to say goodbye darling. I know Habit thinks I cannot seem to do this but I can do it with a little bit off brainwashing. I am mighty good at it. You don’t know how well I’ll do it and manage convincing myself that I’ll never be able to be at the same point ever again.Batty thinks if I could quit smoking I can quit Habit too. So I guess I shall.

Dearest darling adorable Habit who always wants everything at his own convenience. One year of having Habit around I actually cannot imagine a Habit less existence. Habit who in the recent times has always been around for me in one way or the other and to think I am kicking Habit away literally. I think it is the idea which shall be missed more or the feeling of the life that could have been. That perfect picture that you made up in your mind of how you saw yourself living that life. I blew that picture out of proportion with reality in my head. Ah well if I could say goodbye to my dreams of working/studying where I wanted to for the longest time then I can turn my back to this too.

Damn I waited for so so long. I was more than patient thinking it has to fall into place someday. I even got glimpses of it bubbling somewhere underneath. I walked down other paths only to come back to this one until the other day it hit me that I can keep walking down this path and there won’t ever be an end to this. Can you make a mistake and miss your fate? I wonder. I’ll keep wondering always I guess. Hell.

Love,

Me

"So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes.”

Sarah Jessica Parker

My Sins Against Gender Stereotypes

Paroma tagged me on this one and I had to, had to do this one.

If you are a woman,
Have you ever wanted something that is considered ‘manly’ ? Like a basketball, a cell phone, a dog, a camera or a new laptop? A new car or motor bike? Ever wanted to be a pilot? A doctor or not a nurse? And the manliest want of them all – The remote!
As a kid did you enjoy playing with a bat and a ball?
There was a time when books were considered ‘manly’, women authors had to pretend to be men – would you say books are still rather manly – women should want to embroider and crochet?

If you are a man,
Have you ever wanted something that only women are supposed to want – like bags, shoes, clothes, creams, perfumes, babies, flowers? A peaceful home and a happy family? Have you ever been afraid of the dark or of insects?
As a kid did you ever want to play ‘teacher-teacher’, cooking or did you like playing with a doll? Have you ever enjoyed cooking? Bought something in pink? Loved chocolates?
My possible sins:-
1) I was the quintessential tomboy as a child and could climb any tree, every tree. I think I spent a better part of my years between the ages of 5 and 10 on trees. I even made sure all the elders around me spent a better part dissuading me not to try another one of those trees or persuading me to come down with my timid companions who would have been tempted to achieve the same feat only to reach the top and realize they are terrified while I felt I was on top of the world. I loved heights. I think I still do. I remember climbing the tank of our 12th floor building with my sister and there was no railing whatsoever and I got such a high just lying down looking at the sky or staring down at the ground from the enormous height. I felt giddy with excitement.

2) My legs are scarred for life as a result of running through a glass door. Okie I was all of 12 and we were playing hide and seek and I got some 57 stitches on my right leg and my name was etched in the history of the Army Club for being the only girl to have ran through the fibre glass door. From thereon they had a red sign painted on the door and put flower pots in front of them to prevent such accidents.

3) I have carried a my very own small size almirah from the first floor to the ground floor on to a van all by myself with a little help from the driver of course. I don’t wait around for people to come and help me with my luggage ever. I think I am quite strong. Hehehe! Think Pune did that to me. The constant shuffling of houses all those years really helped.

4) I did hate playing with dolls as a child. I much preferred running around, driving my neighbours up the wall, ringing their bells and running away, climbing roofs, walls, exploring, being out of the house constantly. I hated sitting around in one place playing "Houses". I had some 10 Barbie dolls whose hair I chopped off out of boredom. I had toy trains and cars that Dad got me and I loved playing with them.

4) I somehow don’t think that reading books can even be related to gender stereo types you are either a book worm or you are not one. I have always been one and most of my women friends love reading just as much as I do if not more though our tastes might vary but we are always recommending books to each other.

Come to think of it the term the term Gender Stereotype is losing its significance as times change. I mean there would be a very fine line or maybe the lines are blurred. No more is it about you are supposed to do something a particular way just cause you are a girl/woman. I have realized being girly has its own benefits. I actually fell in love with cooking when I never expected myself to be the sorts who’d be able to whip up a meal but now I can and thank god for that. I do get some strange sense of pleasure knowing the kitchen is clean, the loos are sparkling, my cupboard is tip top and everything is in its rightful place. I am a cleanliness freak and I don’t just do it cos I have to do it but cos I like everything around me in order. I wasn’t born like this but over the years I have become like this. Neatness and orderliness has helped me. So yeah at times I can be as girly as girly can get and at times I can be oh so reckless and refuse to pay heed to traditions. Guess it is about best of both the worlds. It is about being independent, doing your own thing, managing everything. So yes I do it my way.

“So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.

There are these two Aussies chatting nineteen to dozen behind my back and man are they loud or not? On most days they have a smile to give me and always stop by my work station to say hi asking me how tis going. I cannot say the same about our Indian Bosses. Most of them don’t even smile unless they know you and they never, almost never make eye contact or maybe it is just me that they don’t like making eye contact with. Sigh! On my way back from a meeting today I was told that I might be posted over here for 5 years and I couldn’t believe my ears. Nooooooo I cannot imagine being in Delhi for so long. I can’t imagine being in any place for so long right now. I feel jumpy and impatient after sometime. I know I am the first person to crib about packing and moving and I hate the physical process entirely too much but yeah settling in, figuring my way out and find my own rhythm in a new city is good fun. Yeah our generation is way more mobile than our folks were. So many of us have lived in suitcases and continue moving cities, countries, continents, looking for greener pastures, always ready to make that switch and trying something new. I like that. I haven’t been able to do it the way I would have liked to though. But then we don’t always get what we want in life.

Today in the middle of a meeting amidst all that talk about what our future strategy should be I realized I need to slow down a little more. Slowing down is helping me and it has helped me immensely in the last couple of months. It has given me interesting insights on the sort of person I am and helped me calm down. For me being calm was the key and still is and shall continue to be. As long as I can remember I have been running behind all sorts of wrong things. Way too many unwanted, not needed thoughts in my head. My mind has been perpetually filled with these thoughts and I am always thinking. I wish I could go blank every now and then relieve my mind and give it a break but my mind refuses to take a holiday for even a nano second. I am never blank. So a couple of months back I found this picture of a post it on thingsweforget.blogspot.com which said “Slow down and the things you are chasing will catch up with you.” and it totally inspired me. This was so written for the likes of me.

I have been a teeny meeny bit confused lately. I finally saw through some of it. I know I did the right thing. Why does my conscience have to be larger than life? It is so so irritating sometimes when black and white are starkly different from one another and all you want is a grey just so you don’t have to make any choices. I found my grey and to think in my head it was a white before. Wow how the mighty have fallen or rather how the illusions were shattered. I don’t play it safe all the time. No I seldom play it safe. I’ll never learn. Hahaha!

Something I have realised the last couple of months. I don't envy as much anymore.I mean hardly. I am only human and I am allowed some of it. But it is so much better than before. Thank God for that. I don't want things that I know I cannot get right now. I was speaking to an old friend of mine the other day after a long time. I knew him when I was twenty two, foolish and with impossible dreams in my eyes. Strange how you forget your dreams or how they get lost somewhere in the dusty alleys and back waters of life but someone you loved once upon a time didn't forget the dreamy you. He said something to the effect that everytime he goes to a bookstore he hopes that someday I'll surprise him when he sees my name staring back at him, sitting on one of those book shelves. (I never give myself or my writing that much credit. I was embarassed when he said so.)He said he hoped someday I get to live the life of my dreams where I always wanted to. Ah well. We grow up.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

Oprah Winfrey

I may never grow up, I may never give in.

Last evening M, Gandalf and I went to Aqua for dinner and drinks. I was in Aqua after 2 years and man how much we have changed since then or rather how much has life changed since then. The last time I was looking forward to my stint in Bangalore and a new world seemed to have opened up for me while now I only care to look one day ahead and max to max a week and if I dare to be too ambitious maybe a month.

First things first though. So we sat by the pool side with our feet dipped in the ankle length water and drank delicious cocktails with outlandish names that I have never heard of before like Strawberry Sea Breeze that tasted a tad bit too sweet and was guzzled down by Gandalf while I insisted on having his chocolate flavoured vodka one with nuts and a hint of Baileys. Oh that reminds me the other day I had this Baileys based cocktail called White Russian and I was surprised that I hadn’t tried it before given my love for anything Baileys. There was a time a couple of years back when Aben had managed securing a bottle of Baileys from some admirer of hers and both of us would sneakily have it in her room while the others would be out since we refused to share it the beer drinkers or the vodka and lime cordial lovers who didn’t understand our craving for liqueurs.

God this is turning out to be a post devoted solely to cocktails it seems. Nooooo that wasn’t the point of blogging today. I am leaving for home in another 15 minutes and I’d thought since I won’t have access to the internet for a week and would be dying to pen my thoughts down I could put up a post as a sort of good bye post. I mean hardly goodbye but even then I am so used to posting at least once a week.  I am gonna be home after 6 months and it doesn’t feel so cos the last 6 months have seriously flown past by. I remember my first day in office over here and my dismay for having landed myself in yet another situation where I have to make do with whatever I am getting. I was partly in shock as I looked around at all the building material, cranes, debris, equipments and not to forget the half built airport and amidst all of that out of nowhere appeared this huge office and woooo hooo what on earth was a lawyer supposed to do over here?

Ah well we’ve come a long way indeed. My first thought had been how in the hell are they gonna be finishing all of this in 6 months and man they have almost done it. Quite the feat I must say but for the disputes that are waiting to take shape and culminate into full fledged battle grounds and that is where I came in. Maybe I am actually finding my way around. Not bad I say. Not bad at all.

Damn I sound so self obsessed sometimes. I know I do. Sigh!

Just what there is, which is after all so much.

So I had a relatively quiet weekend with Meggy as we caught up after 6 months. Well she just shifted to Delhi and both of us couldn’t believe the fact that it is not Bangalore but Delhi that we are hanging out in and we actually have two solid jobs and we don’t work for the same slave master anymore. Though I wonder how astonished the slave master would be if by any freak of chance Meggy and I ever bumped into him. I really wanna bump into him someday. I am sure when the time is right I will.

We guys had dinner with another friend at this Italian place called Capri Italy in Defence Colony . I can swear by their thin crust pizzas since I am there almost every week all thanks to M. It is our favourite haunt be it on the rare cool evenings or even the warmer nights because it has this tiny balcony where one can squeeze in and look at the stars while feasting on the yummy bruschetta and gulping down gallons of fresh lime soda and waiting for the bigger treat to come by. Of course it helps that one can smoke outside though M gets exasperated that I don’t smoke anymore saying more often than not she misses smoking with me. Wow now that is definitely a first. :-)

Sunday morning was spent gossiping and Facebook stalking which is muchly missed since the one person I enjoy doing it with the mostest is Batty. Later we were just in time to grab some lunch at DT Promenade and catch the 3:30 show of Shutter Island that quite spooked both of us out. I’d thought it would be one of those run of the mill thrillers until I remembered no Martin Scorcese doesn’t make such cinema and yes it did live up to his reputation. I bought the prettiest lamp from Fab India for my room and yesterday I picked up another smaller one from this store called Mother Earth in CP not to forget the orange and gold chattai that gives my room this orangy and sunshiny glow in the evenings combined with the light of both the lamps. Next on the list is curtains. Sigh!

Oh and I am reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it struck me that Red Head has had a dragon tattoo on her back for years now. Right! :-) I have a phoenix which is relatively new and Mum saw the cover of the book and exclaimed “Oh my God she has one on her back almost like yours. Though yours is prettier.” :-) Hahaha!

Just when I learn how to let things be and move on and try turning the page things come boomeranging back at me. The one who reaches the finishing line first wins. Done deal okie! Yup done deal. No more confusion at all. :-) Yeayyyyyyyy!

“Why did I allow myself to be bored ever in the past and to compensate for it got high or drunk or rages or all the tricks people have because they want anything but serene understanding of just what there is, which is after all so much.”

Jack Kerouac

Do they have radios in heaven? I hope they do.

It has been a year today. One whole year of not having you around in our lives and I still think of you every day, every single fickin’ day. I don’t feel as miserable as I use to that first month and we don’t behave in the same manner as we did when we all took to living in our own make believe worlds with Ma immersing herself in her work and doing up the new house with an unnatural frenzy and me with my obsession over Fuddy Duddy and getting somewhere in life while Nutty who insisted on behaving like all of that never happened. We have all gone through our own cycles and made our own peace or at least I like to believe we have. Ma still misses you immensely and she always will. We can’t change any of that. I knew that all of us have to leave but all I wish is that you’d left in a happier way and not the way you did.

Yes we are way better-off that we were last year. I don’t hold half as many grudges against life and God. Ma does crib and complain every once in a while but they are for different reasons. It isn’t about “Why us?” anymore. Nobody fills up that vacuum which you left and maybe nobody ever will. After all nobody can crack them silly dirrtttyyy jokes like you did and have all of us in splits at the same time. Nobody can be as boisterous as you managing to keep all of us busy throughout the whole day doing just your chores. Nobody will be sitting at the dining table evening after evening irritating Ma with his drunken banter and calling for his daughters if not in person then on the phone.

Everytime I am doing something naughty and not so naughty I think “Damn now you’d be looking at me from up there and know exactly what I am upto.” I swear I kinda think twice before doing the wayward stuff since I am sure you have an idea of what I am doing and would disapprove of the same. Am I stupid or am I not stupid? Like that night in the car and the pushing away happened and I ran away upstairs or everytime I lit a smoke until I quit recently. I hope you are listening to me now. Sigh! Baba you are muchly missed and always will be. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’ll have to live through this entire life and wait for another lifetime to meet you. The wait seems mighty long.

Heyyyyy yeayyyy heyyyy yeayyyyy! :-)

I am soooooooooooo sooooooooooo sleepy. Arghhhhhh! I had to get up from my seat and take a walk around the whole floor to fight the sleep until I reached the cafeteria only to be greeted by the locked glass door so I banged into it and made cranky faces at the coffee guy who was courteous enough to get me a cup since this was their recuperating hour.

I miss the rains and the grey cloudy skies. I am tired of this parched dry heat that is consuming everything anything within its grasp. I imagine those rains in Calcutta where I came back home hopping skipping and jumping amidst the merry pitter patter of the raindrops with just an umbrella to shield me. I miss the smell of the rain on earth the mostest. Seems like a dream now when all I can see is dust and dust settled on everything. We seem to be eating copious amounts of dust unknowingly. I wish the rain would come once and for all and wash it all away, the dust, the grime and most of all this angst.

After almost 27 years of living on this planet I got my passport within a period of 24 hours flat. What joy when I finally held that navy blue booklet in my hand after an inexorable struggle of filling in wrong forms, managing verification certificates in the last moment, standing in the endless cues and having conversations with the most random people. Guess whose going for a holiday real real soon. Yes tis me, tis me. We are going to be whisked away to mysterious and magical places. :D

Work has been a tad bit disconcerting. I mean the bottom line being I hate playing second fiddle but I guess time hasn’t come for me to hold court as yet so I remain the not so silent spectator. I almost lost my calm exterior today but realized it is gonna be futile. I cannot be constantly fighting for something that shall get me little or no credit at the end. I haven’t given up but I am waiting in the shadows and I am watching always watching. My gaze is like that of a hawk’s and there are days when I feel that damn I am definitely not the world’s easiest person to work with so I realize she isn’t having a great time either.

Mum and I had a fight the other day cos one of those silly grooms on a marriage portal didn’t look like he was my types and I made the cardinal mistake of expressing my displeasure and man what a mini storm followed when I was told in plain words that when the men I like don’t wanna do anything about me there is precious little to be done but look at marriage portals and check out these almost dead profiles. So there I sat listening to that entire lecture of how I am only getting older and yada yada yada and how I always chose the wrong men who never wanna commit and how Dad isn’t around and it’s just different now. To be honest I didn’t have an argument for that plus the other solution being I had to promise my Mum that I just wasn’t interested in the opposite sex and was happy living a dignified life minus men in my life. But wait there is an end to this story and guess who had the last laugh???? The next day the guy’s parents (who had oh so enthusiastically called up Ma the day before for my snaps) called up the contact person in the marriage portal and said “But our son was looking for somebody fairer” . Hahahahahahahah! My Mum apparently told that chick very conceitedly that her daughter had already rejected the guy and banged the phone down. Ah well he was actually so not my types is all I can say and I wish I could have told him so on his face. ;-)
Hmmmmm…. I think these Cheeni Japani Subcontractors( one just walked passed by my seat) who keep frequenting our office with that permanent harrowed look plastered across their faces are so pink and cute. There is something so endearing about them or so I think cos on the table they are such tough people to negotiate with. The Japanese are the easiest to work with over here at least and the Germans are of the nagging variety always wanting to make money of us for their own losses. (No offence meant to any nationality.) :D

On Fridays I feel the world is divided into two categories of people; those who have Saturdays of and those who don’t. Sigh!!!! A parting thought but the world just might be my oyster now or hope it will be someday.Adios. :-)

Brightly lit runways will always remind me of you....

And I accept defeat and yes we do have a love hate relationship. I have hated you, cursed you and wished I was all alone as the lady of the manor. You too look forward to days when I am not around with my disapproving gaze literally breathing down your neck. Maybe you make me insecure or maybe it is because you are so different. You do hide your insecurities if any really well and the only time I am made aware of their existence is when you sneakily go off upstairs in pursuit of the necessary information/details/ correspondences or draft a reply to a query jointly addressed to us without my knowledge and before I know it the query has been answered and the mail sent out. There are times when I am so livid and I could just claw your eyes out and there are times when we are having so much fun be it at the airport site getting lost in that magnanimous structure of chrome and steel and gliding across the walkalators gleefully as if both of us are flying or be it drafting so called important yet nonsensical letters and waiting with bated breath as the Dark One reviews it and sends it back to us with his feedback after having deleted almost all our language or be it at the World Book Fair waiting for the palmist to read my hand as he made a sincere attempt to make me cry saying I am gonna be having a trouble laden life and you laughed on his face and walked off with me asking him to **ck off.

I remember the time you took me to the hospital when you needn’t have since I was perfectly capable of going so myself and I even remember the time when you walked off with all the credit on a letter drafted by me. I don’t even know if you meant it to be like that or it just happened. There is something about you and people are instantly taken in by your charming exterior that use to get to me the first two months until I learnt how to live with it. Now I can see through it and I have finally realized that naaa you ain’t half as bad. It is just a case of two women who compete against each other all the time and ain’t gonna give up even an inch of their space. Some say competition is healthy and I finally believe that it is. I know I haven’t been any better as I always try to pry into your phone conversations wondering if you are secretly working on some issue that I ain’t aware of and I have been downright rude in more occasions than one. However knowing that you are sitting just a work station away does make me want to work harder, better, research more than the usal, read that draft a couple of more times than I normally would have and reach the Dark One’s cabin before you do. Sometimes its almost like a race and man what a funny race this has been fighting over Subcontract packages so if you are Queen of Electrical and other works I am the Queen of the Baggage Handling System while we deal with Airfield Ground Lighting and Fire Fighting together trying to make sense out technicalities that leave us muddled and jumbled in the head.This has been one hell of a ride as we have cribbed and complained all the way for having landed ourselves at this blasted construction site in the middle of nowhere but someday when we look back we'll realise every minute of this was worth it.Yup it does take all sorts of people to make this world and it takes all sorts of relationships to add a little chutzpah in this otherwise mundane and ordinary life and maybe sometimes to the wonder of wonders it takes an airport being built for two very unlikely people to come together and forge a working relationship. Brightly lit runways shall always remind me of you. Hoping we get to work on many many more dazzling beautiful runways and more than anything three cheers to this AIRPORT. :D

I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.

I spent almost half of Sunday just downloading music from the Billboard Top 100 and listening to it and transferring it on my MP3 player as a consequence of which I have lots of funky new music to listen to for the coming week. Yeayyyy! There is something comforting about listening to new music that doesn’t remind you of anyone and you have no memories associated with any of the songs and I like that. However knowing life I am sure over a period of time once again one starts relating these very songs to people, places, cities and moments that remain etched on your mind forever. I have so fallen in love with Kesh’s “Your Love is Like a Drug” and Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro”. (This is as Lady Gagaish as Lady Gaga can get Hehehe!! )

Some days I feel I could pour all my heart out but then the public forum that this is one cannot do so but till a certain extent. Yes I try to be as vague as possible about certain people so as to let the mystery remain. On second thoughts I don’t think anybody would care any longer. We all lead busy lives and far removed from each other. It really doesn’t matter. Someone said she couldn’t relate to the oblique references in my blog any more or maybe identify them any longer.

So the funniest thing happened the other day when Red Head and Batty were in town at the same time and as expected I was in my elements. :-) I had been trying to hide this certain goof up of mine from Red Head for a while and wonder of wonders she somehow guessed it all thanks to Finooo of course who was supposed to play along but poor thing got hoodwinked into telling the truth and three of us were in splits. Shame on me cos I was plain laughing at my own misdeeds. Oh and we had quite a merry evening when we spent much needed time with Fido while Batty and Miss Touch Me Not joined us later. Later Red Head was giving me worldly advice and I listened quietly cos she was so right. We even sat and laughed in unison at all the so called prospective bridegrooms on shaadi.com and the Tamil matrimony. Did I tell you that one of them looked like Bappi Lahiri’s body double and one of Batty’s potential alliances could be readily passed off as a dacoit right out of the ravines of Chambal? Hmmphhhhh! :p

Work has been bothering me off late because people are up to playing the dirtiest games and guess who gets caught in the middle or is just a pawn in the big picture. I am trying to learn how to be a silent spectator and I am surprised that it is not coming easy. I thought I was the silent types who prefers to be in the background and not in limelight all the time. I was wrong since I am becoming increasingly outspoken as I grow older.

Last weekend I cooked Chicken Biriyani and got drunk with roomie and her boy friend. So roomie is my childhood friend and we almost grew up together. Her dad was Baba’s bestest friend from the regiment. We go back a long long way. She is getting married to this guy who treats her like a complete doll and controls her like one too. I can’t stand the way he does so. He is sooooooo critical and always commands over her. She takes all of it almost silently and I am plain astounded. He is nothing but cordial, civil and friendly with me but his behavior does annoy me once in a while and I tend to be blunt and express my views out aloud. I don’t think it is a good idea. Her life and her boy. These moments are one of those rare ones when I thank God for being single. I would rather be alone than be with someone who thinks he owns me whole and soul.

I think the nicest part of the week has been hanging out with all the pals. :-) Makes a world of difference knowing they are in town and you can make some random plan or the other and we’ll go out and do absolutely nothing but crib and bitch and poke fun at anything and everything and come back home all happy and brimming with contentment.

A picture of confusion that is me.

I wonder how am I gonna fill up all these days with meaning, something that keeps me going, that sustains me mentally and intellectually. No I am not talking about the work that is my bread and butter but the work that will satisfy that tiny bone in my body. I honestly don’t know what I was meant to do. Most people are born to do something, anything. What was I born to do? What is my true calling in life? What did God envision for me as he brought me into this world? Or am I gonna be happy just trotting along not knowing what was I meant to do? I beg God sometimes to just show me one glimpse on how he sees the future for me. I also know tis in my hands too. This isn’t about the missed buses that were many or being distracted by all the silly frivolous vices that tempt youth. I lived my life the way I wanted to and it has been quite the fun ride but for the occasional bump but somewhere along the line I have honestly lost track on what I set out to do or did I even know what I was getting into 9 years back.

I go through these phases when I sit and question everything that I am doing and why am I doing and why did I end up where I am right now. Hmmmmm…… Am I unhappy? No I am not. Am I dissatisfied with the work? No I am not. Am I doing something cool? Well I don’t know. However the one time in my life when I thought I was doing something I was proud of doing my Boss made my life a living nightmare or at least in office he did and at that period I suffered from immense loss of self esteem like I never have before. I learnt a lot but at the cost of what? The strangest thing being when I came back to this organization I only came so cos I had closed all doors and not a single other job had worked out. I got so many rejects in a span of one month that I was down and out and then my ex-boss got in touch with me asking me if I’d like to work for this Project. I said yes just like that and before I knew it I was here and the rest of course is the way it played out.

I don’t even know what I am looking for. As usal I am the perfect picture of confusion. Gawddd am I ever ever gonna change? There was a time when I was the perfect picture of self inspiration. That me got lost somewhere along the way. I need that reason to feel inspired again. I need that spark, that zing and that enthusiasm. I want to believe that I can plan and plan smartly and do something about this. I want to believe that this isn’t it and I can have something close to what I had dreamt of. I know one has to wait it out and take a different way but there has to be some hidden way somewhere to the place I wanna go even though it is a different place now. I don’t wanna be dreamless cos I have begun to realize that I am not happy this way if all I believe is this is all that can be. That doesn’t mean I live in my make believe world and don’t do my duties over here. No more make believe for me but the dreams have to be there right. I hate this evolved cynical thing I have become as if life defeated me. It was supposed to be the other way around. Wasn’t it?

The hardest part is not comparing myself to others. I am human and I would compare myself to my contemporaries but some of the happiest people I know are so oblivious to the world around. Sometimes I feel this is gonna be one long long wait and I have to make sure that it is a happy wait and not an aimless one. Escapism has been my solace for too long. I have also spent the better part of this decade brooding over all the wrong people. I mean seriously it has been such a grand waste of time. I don’t regret all of them but surely I could have done without some of them. As I am growing older why is life only becoming about nobody loves me? Yuck! I don’t want it to be like that all needy and lonely. It is only human to but even then. Okie so I don’t have it. So just move on. Don’t centre your life around this one fanatical emotion that consumes so many of us. I want an aim in life God, I want that splendid feeling that I achieved something and that this is going somewhere. I don’t wanna be walking along blindly like I am walking along now. Show me some light. I pray to you to show me some light. Come on I know this cannot be it. I know this isn’t it.

I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you.

Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, September 2002
US actress & television talk show host (1954 - )

Neither here nor there no I am happy just being me.

Red Head was in town on Monday and I took half a day off as we spent an afternoon cribbing about the heat, survived an auto ride from hell and a so-so lunch at TGIF and shopped a bit at the mall. The best thing about old friends is that they so get you and you needn’t explain yourself. They know where what is coming from and why is it coming so. It is this comfort level that seems to be so hard to find with newer people and if you are lucky once in a billion blue moons you’d meet someone you can share the same camaraderie with. No I wouldn’t exchange Fino, Red Head, Batty, Mona, Economist, Saggy, Meggy and Tinni with any other people I could have wanted to share my life and times with. :-)

Last Saturday a tipsy me bumped into R after years and that too in Morrisson of all the places. Wow life does come to a full circle. I hugged her happily though she didn’t seem too glad to see me. I could see through her strained smile that no she just didn’t feel the same and she never will. I guess I never expected her to. I am so thankful that I don’t give a damn and stopped giving a damn when we stopped associating with each other. To think that once upon a time my whole life centred around her and her every whim and fancy effected me in some way or the other. R my ex-roomie, someone I have probably had some of the best times of the first quarter of my life, someone I have shared endless laughter, giggles, innumerable bottles of wine. Someone I have cried with, consoled, evolved with and finally walked away from when I couldn’t keep up the pace and someone I have mentioned over and over again in older posts, posts dated 3 years back. No I don’t miss her since I am definitely not the same me anymore and I think she still is the same ‘her’ she use to be. I’d thought that maybe someday we would be able to connect again but I was wrong. Both of us were inebriated yet I could feel the cold vibes. Ah well we win some, we lose some and we move on.

Life teaches us some lessons again and again yet we refuse to learn until we reach the end of the road and we realize that hell if I don’t pay heed to it this time then it’ll only spiral down from here. So I am choosing to learn this lesson. Dear God I so get what you have been trying to tell me for almost the last 10 years of my life. One doesn’t try every good thing (or everything that looks good) that comes along. No I am not gonna try no more. Wow to think Batty and I use to be dreaming of joint holidays and where did we eventually land up? The only holidays I am gonna plan now are with friends. No thank you I‘d never wanna be inside your head. It must be maddening up there, churning out all those strange muddled up colourless thoughts, pining for something you ain’t ever gonna get and playing with somebody else’s mind in the process. Neither here nor there. No I am happy being me.