And I will show you something different

A couple of things that have made me really happy off late and I just had to jot it down.
Last evening while going home with a couple of colleagues we were driving past the brightly lit runway like we do every day and as a plane slowly landed and it flew really low and gradually descended amongst all that fairy light I silently thanked God for everything, for the sight that looked ohhh so pretty, for me having the ability to appreciate the same and stoopid as it sounds but for making me a tiny miniscule part of something so big.

This morning while sitting in the bus stop with my book, trying to read and unknowingly being a silent spectator to all the childish banter around me. Such a comfortable feeling as if all can be good with the world sometimes.

A Sunday lunch on a summer afternoon at Oh Calcutta with a bunch of people I only recently got acquainted with. I ‘d thought I couldn’t be my contented self with friendly strangers but apparently I can and I was in such high spirits eating yummy Bengali food, drinking Sangria and exchanging notes with them as if we’d done this before when in reality we never had.

Oh and the sight of the purple bougainvillea against the blue blue summer sky. Think I can spot beauty even in this soon to be scorching killer of a summer.

“Where does one go from a world of insanity? Somewhere on the other side of despair.”

T.S Eliot

I made you up inside my head...

I’d never thought that someday you of all the people would make me feel the way you did. Not S, not Fuddy Duddy, not Frankenstein, not Fido Dido, not all those stoopid random/not so random people but you who chose to behave the way you did. You never intended to but right now this is what it is. Indifference has never felt so indifferent. I guess that is what hurts the most. Like you always said that I can be foolishly romantic and every once in a while I need that jolt to be woken up from my reverie and face the harsh reality. Of course life goes on and yada yada yada. You and I both know that. It always has and always will. But sometimes we burn the bridges. I know it doesn’t matter to you right now cos you feel nothing. You never felt anything. And just so you know I don't live in hope anymore. Everytime I hope the world around me crashes down be it hoping for Daddy to live or be it waiting to get that job or longing for you to do something about us.Guess I made it up all in my head, all of it.

"I closed my eyes and the world dropped dead,
I think I made you up inside my head."

Sylvia Plath

Yeah baby its quite the high. :D

Artist:Natasha Sazonova

And one fine day I quit smoking just as suddenly I started smoking 4 and a half years back. No particular reasons as such. Hmmmm nobody asked/compelled me to nor did I promise anyone that I would and nor was it a new year resolution. Okie yes I have never been a compulsive smoker but at my peak I did smoke up to 10 a day and if we were out drinking or clubbing then like many other smokers I lost count. The smoking ban has helped tremendously cos I realized that I can be out drinking and having fun minus a cigarette. I remember a time 3 years back when I couldn’t dance without a cigarette in my hand and now it seems so so ridiculous. Why did I ever condition my mind to such an extent? Tsk tsk the follies of youth. Yes I make a confession that it did feel really cool scandalizing people in coffee shops when one was in college and you took out a smoke and started puffing at it under the angry glares of the older generation. I had tried to cut down on smoking a couple of years back since I got obsessed about working out and had gotten it down to one a day but failed inevitably as I was going out too often with a bunch of people who smoked and drank excessively. Yes peer pressure does exist. Nobody ever forces you to smoke but unconsciously you become like the others.
So here I am and it feels good. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t crave for that occasional smoke while drinking but I can control that urge, look the other way and not go out with the others as they head out for a smoke and not give in to temptation. I feel a teeny meeny bit proud of myself cos this was of my own accord and no external influence. Yeayyyyyyyy! I wonder if Dad would have been proud of me. I wonder if this was his doing. I don’t know and I never will know but maybe in some strange way his passing away did induce me to quit smoking. The biggest kick is being able to run on the tread mill for 7 minutes continuously at the speed of 8kms an hour or being able to run 3 minutes at the breakneck speed of 11 kms an hour while your fellow joggers reduce their speed after the first minute too tired to carry on at that speed. By the end of those final minutes that familiar excruciating pain in my chest doesn’t hound me any longer and I am not choking or gasping for breath like I use to but just panting, plain panting and breathing, breathing freely and gulping in more oxygen. Yeayyyy baby its quite the high not smoking at all.

“The best way to stop smoking is to just stop - no ifs, ands or butts.”

Watching life pass me by.....

Source:www.fineartamerica.com
Someone told me the other day that I could either chose to sit on the fence and watch life pass me by or get down right into the middle and get my hands dirrrrtyy. Have I been sitting on that fence for too long? What about my “ahaaa” moment? Do we have to sit it out for a long long time before something concrete comes along your way? Is it because I didn’t want it badly enough that I landed up compromising? I wish it hadn’t been this way when all I was left with was this one option, the old option. Sometimes it is like I fell flat on my face and I hate it when people ask me why did you come back? I don’t feel like telling them my long long story that sounds like some melodramatic movie. I hate answering questions on why, how, when and what now? I don’t know about what now. I have no idea and no stupid lofty plans. I’ll take it as it comes whatever this is and wherever this may lead me. It isn’t bad at all but just that I didn’t see myself here. No I wasn’t supposed to be here at all but here I am and took me sometime to even accept it cos initially I just saw it as my failure to get anywhere in life. But as each day passes it gets a little better and things do brighten up and the grey starts to fade away. Doors open up, side doors mind you and the sunshine starts creeping in. You start building your own little niche again be it at work or be it with the new house. You get into a routine and you find ways to keep yourself busy on weekends with old friends and some new ones and on weekdays when you tire yourself out at the gym. It is never as great as you make it out to be and never as bad as you make it out to be. This is it at least for now so might as well make the best of it cos who knows when the winds of change come in tomorrow and blow you away in some other direction.
“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.”
Lewis Caroll

Of Cycle Rickshaw Rides and Purani Dilli

What a merry time A and I had trapezing all over the city last Saturday! The highlight of the day being the cycle rickshaw ride from the Metro Station at Chandni Chowk to Kareem’s near Jama Masjid. Now A and I, well we aren’t really small people yet there we were happily sitting on one rickshaw. A is 6ft 2 and can no way be classified as skinny while I like to call myself plump. Hahah! But we had soooo much fun on the way and I couldn’t stop laughing cos A wanted to capture every moment and every object on his camera. Photography is his new found passion thanks to his Iphone and he was uploading those pictures almost immediately on Facebook much to my amusement. Those photos were instantaneously inviting the comments of his friends who were all wondering what exactly was A up to until he changed his FB status to Delhi 6. :-) Yup hanging around with him was fun, fun, fun and much nicer than that crazy night at Cirrus in Bangalore last September.
The food at Kareem’s was delicious especially the Mutton Burra Kebab and the sweet nan they bake. I know its called something but I cannot get myself to remember the name. A ordered a Biriyani which wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but the Chicken Kadhai was out of this world with a fusion of flavours. A pronounced that the meal had been worth the Cycle Rickshaw Ride and not to forget the long Metro ride from Dwarka. I followed it up with a huge meetha paan while A smoked and forbade me to do so saying I’ll cause a riot if I smoked in a public place like this. The paanwala was this cheery middle aged man who promised me that I would have never had such a paan before and insisted on putting every possible ingredient into the paan leaf until it was this gigantic thing that could not be stuffed into my mouth. It turned into more of a wrap by the end of it.  We walked into Jama Masjid with our shoes in our hands clicking photographs and trying to find the right mishmash of shadow and light.
Our last stop was India Gate where we treated ourselves to ice lollies and took some very pretty pictures of the tree lined avenue bordering India Gate. Yup it was a day well spent. I like such outings when I get to do something I wouldn’t have done of my own accord. Exploring the old city on my own wouldn't have been half as much exiciting as it was with A. :-)

“After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with color, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn’t it a noble, an enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it? This is how I answer when I am asked—as I am surprisingly often—why I bother to get up in the mornings.”

If you forget me.....

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Two Weddings, a Bride and Yum Yum Tree

Ah well I had an eventful week indeed and have been quite looking forward to penning the exciting happenings of my life down on a blog post. I have been travelling non-stop trans Delhi or rather trans the National Capital region almost every single day. This is what happens one of your closest friends and an old college mate decides to tie the knot the same week. So it began last Monday when I took the long long metro ride from Dwarka to CP waiting patiently for Miss Touch Me Not to get over with work so that we could make it on time for Maggie’s Mehndi and Sangeet in this hotel in Karol Bagh. Although we’d thought that we’d get thoroughly bored cos we wouldn’t know anybody but we were in for a pleasant surprise as we bumped into old friends/acquaintances and it was fun catching up with people you only ever see on your mini-feed page on FB or if you choose to snoop around their pages on FB again. Maggie looked all radiant in a pink and golden creation and yes she has a body to die for. We were buzzing on 2 drinks and had to hurry back home cos we had work the next day. I was dropped home only to be welcomed by the sight of Uncle snoring in the living room waiting for me to come home. I had asked him to leave the door open and not to wait up for me. Gawddd. A very sweet gesture I know but not needed really I can take care of myself.

Next day we guys had She’s youngster’s bash and Maggie’s wedding to go for. I almost felt like not going looking at the sorry state of my wardrobe but I still managed to jazz up my outfit with my funky silver neck piece and not to forget my pretty silver juttis bought at the Sooraj Kund Mela 2 days before with Preema. I wore the white kurti Motu’s Mommy gave me and I absolutely adore it and it has kashmiri embroidery work done all over it in the form of pink and blue flowers. Now She of course sent the wedding card sans any directions for the venue of the bash. Miss Touch Me Not, her friend Mohit , Maxi and I got lost for 2 hours just trying to make our way to some place called Neb Sarai. After a lot of confusion and directions on the phone we finally reached the place after 11. The theme of the party was Shammi Kapoor and we were not dressed to the occasion at all but only too happy that we reached before the alcohol got over. I was at a huge gathering with normal people after a long long time. And wow I actually knew quite a lot of them or at the least a lot of them seemed very familiar. Pardon my excitement but I have been leading a very socially deprived life off late.

We danced our hearts out and Miss Touch me Not’s signature dance with the glass on her head was performed with the usal bouhahah! By the end of it we were sooo tipsy and we still hadn’t gone for Maggie’s wedding. We reached the wedding venue after 2 at night and must have been there for half an hour 15 minutes of which were spent in the loo drunken dialing. I remember meeting Maggie briefly for 30 secs but she was busy getting married and the pheras hadn’t still gotten over. We came back home to Miss Touch me Not’s place in Gurgaon only after 3 and was back in office at 10 in the morning dog tired. I took a break for 2 days after that saying noooo I am gonna take it easy cos Friday was gonna be hectic with She’s wedding and I had taken the day off. I was up early in the morning with my bags packed to go to Anand Vihar for the chooda and the kaleerein ceremony. She made the happiest bride but sorry to say when I reached her place at 10 in the morning she was still in her t-shirt and shorts looking like she use to every morning all those years when were roommates in Pune. I had that aghast expression on my face when I saw her saying” You have to be in your boxers and ganda t-shirt today of all the days.” “You know me na. Pleasse this is my house and what am I supposed to wear to sleep at night? A saree? :p.”

So first there was the traditional chooda ceremony when the Bride’s Mama and Mami made her wear the chooda that has to be kept on for a time period upto a year. Then we all tied the kaleerien to the choodas or was it the iron bangles we tied it to? Anyways the bottom line being that the single women were asked to come and bend their heads while She rubbed both her hands together for the kaleerien to fall on the next bride. Obviously if the bride pounds both her hands together then at least some of that pretty flimsy golden stuff has to fall on our heads. ;-) The Bride’s parents were lovely and warm including all her aunts who made us feel completely at home. For not even a second did I feel that I wasn’t a part of the family. I have to mention She’s brother Fungus who is by far one of the coolest guys I know. He is so bindaas and the man of the moment who managed everything with such poise and excellent planning. She, her cousin and I went to the salon after all the ceremonies to get dressed. Okie so this was the first time ever I was getting my make-up done professionally and She too probably will never ever put on so much make up ever again. She looked beautiful in her red, green and gold saree. Her make up too was light, not over the top, very natural, very She. She wasn’t the overdressed, overly made up, uncomfortable bride. She was happy, bubbly, posing for pictures with such gusto that we had to ask her to stop smiling for the shutter bugs and go ahead with the shaadi.

I had worn a sea green saree and for once I handled it tolerably well. Coming back to the festivities She and her husband to be had the usal fotu session whereby the photographers made them pose in the most filmy poses that we couldn’t stop laughing. Meanwhile Vicky, Gokul and I ate and drank to the hilt. The food was out of the world. We couldn’t have enough of the starters and later on when I saw the lavish main course I really regretted my binge starter eating. The pheras were over in an hour and ten minutes flat and the pandit was the funniest pandit ever cracking jokes while chanting and explaining the mantras. Both the bride and the handsome groom were giggling even while reciting their vows. Of course Vicky had to go fall in love with She’s cousin and drive Miss Touch Me Not and me up the wall with his confessions of love. For christ’s sake he only just met her and they hadn’t exchanged even a word between the both of them. To think he actually approached She later about his new found love for her cousin while she sat down for dinner with her newly wedded husband and the entire family while Miss Touch Me Not and I looked on disbelievingly. Hahah!

Last afternoon we guys met up for lunch again with She and now hubby at this place called Yum Yum Tree in New Friends Colony. Doesn’t the name Yum Yum Tree have a mysterious musical note to it? Vicky was the subject of all jokes while we teased the cousin asking her to call him up hahaha! The food was scrumptious and anybody who is a fan of South East Asian Cuisine should try this place out. We collectively had Sushi, Sweet Friend, Pork, Chicken and Fish Satay, Tom Yum Soup( I loveeee), Thai Red Curry, Thai Green Curry and something called a Cambodian Khmer Prawn Curry. I wish I could describe how divine the food was or maybe it is only because I love Lemon Grass and Coconut milk based fare. So that was my week and I was mighty kicked about it even though all the festivities are over and we go back to our daily mundane lives looking forward to the smaller things like an extended weekend.

Secret Society of Happy People :-)

Secret Society for Happy People it seems.Yes yes there is such a Society and I happened to chance upon them while reading a funny article on USA Today about how people are programmed to be happier on weekends and given my current phase of “I wanna be happy by myself” and “I am not gonna feel bad about this unwelcome loneliness” that I was tempted to check out their website and some of the stuff they said actually made so much of sense. For instance :-
Purpose: The Secret Society of Happy People encourages the expression of happiness and discourages parade-raining. Parade-rainers are those people who don't want to hear your happy news. And no, we don't tell people to be happy if they aren't or how to be happy.
Mission: To help you create a happier lifestyle.

Motto: If you're happy and you know it ... tell somebody!

Members: Thousands from around the world.

I know all of this sounds so cheesy but maybe this is also about inspiring myself each day to count all my blessings, to do one small thing that could possible make me happy or take those tiny steps towards the happy ending. Believe me it really helps because happiness isn’t a permanent state of mind like all of us have realized but once you achieve it maybe we have to work hard enough to maintain it. The tiniest of things make a difference like yesterday I met Batty’s friend Becky for lunch and we were meeting up after 2 years and he hasn’t been my closest buddy yet he greeted me so warmly and those 2 hours passed away happily gorging on ham sandwiches and French fries at the United Coffee House talking about life, love, work, travelling, quirks etc.

I read a blog post recently that talked about loneliness and that no man is an island and we should reach out to our fellow beings when you find loneliness consuming you and that is what has started happening to me. Though a couple of days back it hit me that damn if I keep behaving the way I am and keep feeling bad about myself that I landed up in Delhi minus all the older perks of a huge circle of friends, a lovely house and someone to go out with anytime I want to then all I shall do is to keep wallowing in self-pity. Nobody is gonna come rescue me from my present state in life. Besides I don’t even need rescuing. It isn’t gonna be an easy ride all the time and sometimes we need to get out of your comfort zone and just call people saying “Hey you wanna meet up for a drink?” or “Hey what about catching for lunch this Sunday?”.

I have never ever been short of friends and I always thanked God for that but suddenly I find myself all alone in the same city where once upon a time I was surrounded with people. I don’t remember feeling friendless even for a fraction of a second those 2 years in Delhi and all I remember from last month is getting up in the morning and wondering okie so what do we do today after work? Well we come back home and sit on the net, hmmmm read for a while, talk on the phone and maybe sit on the net for some more time and hmmm talk some more on the phone… And when you are feeling the way I had been feeling you almost hate it when your friends come up with suggestions like go mix with new people, make new friends or even better find a hobby, go explore the city, do something you love. Honestly one feels like giving ONE TIGHT SLAP to them cos they aren’t in your shoes and it is very easy for them to say so. But on hind sight they do make sense just that it is easier said than done.

At the end of the day you are the only one that can help yourself out. People can lead you towards a particular way but it is up to you to follow it. Hence the bottom line being you have to find ways to make yourself happy and if it means going and catching that soppy romantic movie alone then do so. I did that yesterday. I actually went and saw “Valentine’s Day” alone and I was the only person not in a group watching the movie but loved it and I wouldn’t have missed a Gary Marshall movie. I am glad I went ahead and saw it instead of waiting around for people to come with me and see it. I am even making that extra effort with strangers like Finoo’s friend Mr. Morgan Stanley who apparently is socially inept. Hahaha! Not a problem I went ahead and messaged and made a plan. I even called up my old friend Pixie from Bangalore whom I hadn’t been too nice to that time rather I’d been indifferent but she was so warm and sweet saying that she’ll make a plan and I have to come out with her and even asked me to stay over with her in Gurgaon at night cos Dwarka is unsafe. I felt like such a jerk cos one time in B’lore I had been downright mean to her and she hadn’t wanted to drive back to Brigade road after a particularly exhausting evening and I didn’t even suggest that she could spend the night at my place. Oh I even got back in touch with this blogger pal of mine whose office use to be 2 buildings away and we had been soooo surprised and met up for chai at a tapri. Guess we’ll be meeting up real soon.

I promise myself that I shall visit one new place every month even if it means going of alone cos maybe all my life I took travelling as a part and parcel of my ordinary wandering life since I come from an army background and someone told me that nothing like seeing new places and observing different lives to take your mind off trivial things like irritating colleaugues, bosses, deadlines and of course heartbreaks. I shall not ditch Miss Touch Me Not or Preema as and when they make plans. If I have to make that extra effort to go hang out with them or travel that extra mile to meet them then I shall do so because you know what I like having people around and all these years maybe I took it for granted but now as I get older it strikes me that I won’t always be encircled with people who’ll love me for me and wanna hang out with me all the time or make plans with me excitedly. Growing older is also realizing the value of your friends and family. Sometimes I don’t believe that this is me sans a social life but hell who cares as long as you get to hang around with someone funny over drinks in the evening. Hmmmm so these are my rather feeble attempts at being happy.What say?;-) So do you wanna make frandship with me? :p

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Kings of Leon:Use Somebody

And I have a history....

Source:Aivazovsky-Sunset At Sea

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

True to the last 'T' for me. Heheheh!

No one can find the rewind button girl.

Source:Aicha, a woman of Morocco. Oil Painting by Fredrick Arthur Bridgman

I am incredibly sleepy and somehow time is passing by oh so slowly today. Was super busy yesterday working on some stuff but today there doesn’t seem to be much action happening from my end at work. So day before yesterday I was at a meeting with a Subcontractor trying to sort all their claims and issues out when I came across the most charming Portuguese man ever. For the record I think this is the first Portuguese I have come across. Heheh! Anyways what I also wanted to say that this man looked like such an average Joe, the kinds you wouldn’t even cast a passing glance if he walked past by you, and to top it all he was bald and an albino but when he got down to talking Business across the table I was floored. He wasn’t even a technical guy but a Finance Analyst but he seemed to be so much at ease discussing and arguing it out with the Engineers that my Project Director too was compelled to discuss the figures rather than the nuances of the claims. What a brilliant guy! Sigh! I am sure he has a hot model type wife hidden away somewhere in some mansion in Lisbon. ;-)
Guess what I think I am finally gonna get my own place. I am keeping my fingers crossed. So if things work out as planned I just might be coming back to a cheerful, prettier and my very own place, a month later every evening after work. Red Head was down for a couple of hours on Sunday and we met up for the first time after her wedding. She, Bean Pole and I went out for lunch but not before she checked out my place and the scary uncle I stayed with and asked me to get out of it asap. She wanted to take pictures of me with the background of the peeling paint of the walls and the unattractive interiors to send it to Fino but alas in all our excitement of meeting up the pictures were promptly forgotten. She said even our Bhosle Nagar house in Pune was better. Yeah I agree that tiny place was more cheerful than this. Batty left for Bombay and I lived in denial for 2 days saying everybody has to move on and yada yada yada until it hit me day before that she is gone and you are all alone for a little while before you settle down and get your groove back. I guess I am planning a trip to Bombay, Pune in June whereby one shall meet up with Red Head and Fino together in Pune for the very first time in 4 years. Three of us haven’t gotten together since 2006. It has always been us meeting each other individually. This should be a blast.
Of course Bombay for me shall only ever be Batty now but I do remember a time when I use to dream of working in Bombay and at 22 I almost fell in love in that city and with that city. ;-) Think we never quite followed that love up so come June we shall rediscover Bombay. I remember Bandra so well. I remember sitting in Bandstand patiently waiting for Frankenstein to come and pick me up or eating in one of those small Udipi restaurants right outside the CNBC office at Lower Parel or just hanging out at phoenix Mills first with Piyu and then with Batty. I remember that one last trip to Bombay after the final year exams with Fino and our nights out at Hawaiin Shack and Soul Fry I think. That was a small karaoke place in Bandra again. Damn its been so long. I remember the apple juice Fino and I kept drinking cos her cute cousin was working for Kingfisher(correct me if I am wrong Fino) and they had just launched their apple drink and she got cartons of it complementary as a part of her job.
How could I ever not mention Frankenstein? The lau of my life at 22 and the bane of my existence at 22 too. How many more catastrophes God? Pray tell me. Sometimes me thinks I am tired of all these wrong ones who seem oh so perfect initially until the true colours crop up and all you are left with at the end of it are questions as to how could I not see through all of that. Did I miss out something over here? Yes I did. I missed out this big elephant in the room. It wasn’t just you and me but her too. To think I only saw her ghost yesterday silently present all this while when I thought it was only about you and me. You only remind me of you then why would my actions remind you of her? I don’t need another complicated presence in my private sanctuary and I definitely don’t need a ghost from someone else’s past in my life. And you know what I am enough for me. More than enough for me.

"But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe."

Song: Breathe(2AM) by Anna Nalick

Where I am now will we ever be again?

The mantra of my life should be “Thou shall not crib if thou lives in Dwarka.” I am trying, I am trying, I promise I am trying. I am one of those people who embrace change at the first go only to resist it the very next step and fight it every inch of the way until there is no way but to make do with it and finally revel in it. Now that is what is happening cos every day I seem to hate my room and my living conditions a little lesser. Damn we are so conducive to change is it or are is it just the way we humans are born to adapt and survive in different environments and I know how much I have cried and complained about living over here and how I don’t have a life and how it is practically impossible to live in this ‘almost village’ without a car. Last evening I finally took the plunge and after a meeting in CP decided to drop by a friend’s place in Saket. My Bosses and my colleague asked me if I was sure and how was I gonna head back later at night and I said I’ll manage. I had to get out and I can’t just go to office and come back home for the rest of my days over here cos then I’ll definitely get a teeny meeny bit mad with other ancillary effects that shall start showing later. I am so glad I met up with Diya and was nice hanging around with her after a while. We’ve only ever hung around in Calcutta cos I was in Pune for college and she was in Delhi. Now it just so happened that I am back here while she has been around here ever since I left Delhi the last time. The bottom line being I am feeling happier and it is a comforting feeling knowing she isn’t gonna be leaving anytime soon. Batty is going and that is something I don’t wanna be writing too much about because I’ll feel miserable and I do not wanna dwell on that. We all have our different paths in life to take and that is the way it is supposed to be. 
Sometimes I tell myself okay you like the work, the office, the people, so what if it is in the middle of wilderness and yes it isn’t exactly what you were looking for but who knows where you land up eventually so make the best of this. I am here today but maybe I'll never be here again. Maybe this isn’t even remotely close to where you wanted to be but one seldom lands up in the exact place where you wanted to be and when you do it isn’t necessarily like what you imagined it to be. Gawd I am talking gibberish am I? So I bumped into the Bean Pole the other day at my neighborhood market and I was surprised since we were supposed to meet up the same day and not accidentally bump into each other. He and S live a stone’s throw away from my place, almost walking distance and 3 years back I would have given an arm and a leg to live where I am living today. Do we ever get what we want when we want? I don’t think so. These guys use to be my best buddies a couple of years back until we all went our separate ways and suddenly all of us have landed up so close to one another again. Hmmmmm……
This morning on the way to work in the office bus I was actually singing along to “Shimmer” playing on my MP3 player. Damn I know what this means. This means I am gonna be getting use to this place and I’ll settle down slowly and steadily very soon I’ll be quite content with everything until, well until I get that itch to move away again and then God help me. Heheheh!

Winter

This winter come home to a damp, musty room, leaky loos and paint peeling off the walls.
This winter come home to a mini blower that refuses to emit air above a particular temperature due to the low voltage problems in your house.
This winter come home to a cantankerous old Uncle and his insipid daughter who insist on using the most fugly smelling incense sticks at home that your home just doesn’t smell like home, it doesn’t smell of you.
This winter get use to waking up at 7 in the freezing cold mornings to take a shower and rushing out of the house only to be greeted by dense fog that even the person standing next to you at the bus stop seems invisible.
This winter come home to a luxury less home and keep wondering what the hell did I do and what choices did I make for me to land up over here ?
This winter get use to endless chains of e-mails and correspondence even if by the end of it they don't turn out to be the reality you want it to be.
This winter get use to living without Batty in Delhi cos she got a job in Bombay and isn’t gonna be around.
This winter get use to living in and being stuck at the most god forsaken part of town.
This winter you finally bite the bullet and decide to buy a car.

Ten Million Fireflies Are Here Cause I Hate Good Byesss

Yes , yes I have a “Fireflies” hangover but biggest of all I have a December hangover and that is really strange cos the last couple of Decembers have been the worst periods of the year for me. I remember December 2005 when I was on a family holiday to the gorgeus Andamans but in a miserable mood and yes heartbroken. Oh gawd I am so predictable. Ain’t I? Hehehe! I remember walking down the beautiful beaches on Havelock island listening to “Aadat” sung by that Pakistani band called Jal and trying desperately to cheer myself up and only ending up in tears more often that I should have. I can laugh at my melodramatic antics now really. I mean how could I be as silly as I was then?
December 2006 too I was in Chennai back from a disastrous yet funny trip to Bangalore. I was kinda disappointed yet again but Batty and I had managed to see humour even in that. I had the most pathetic New Years eve as I sat along quietly with bunch of kids and Uncles and Aunties and welcomed New Year as sedately and soberly as one could while people the world over got drunk in Goa, Ibiza, Bali etc etc.
December 2007 was a Delhi winter for me and was so worrisome especially cos I lost an official file 2 days before 31st December and couldn’t sleep for a week. I drove all my friends up the wall constantly cribbing, crying and thinking there goes my job. Thankfully the file was found almost miraculously at the same place where I left it but not before half my hair turned grey. Nevertheless December 2007 shall always be “the December I lost the file” for me. I also remember the farmhouse party at Chattarpur with Akku, Atti and Radhieka. I was wearing this black and white dress of Aben’s and Akku and I got super duper drunk cos it was freezing and we were desperately trying to make space for ourselves around the open fires. I remember the drunk dialing and feeling stupid next day in the morning.
December 2008 was lots of fun since Redhead got married and I made a trip to Delhi and Chandigarh for the wedding. My behavior however had unfortunate consequences on my social life as I managed messing up quite a bit and pissing of some very close friends. Sigh! That was a lesson learnt. Now a year later I can safely say that I shall never ever behave in the same manner again. Hence the rest of last December was just spent howling and loosing sleep and even when Batty came down to Bangalore for a week I would go on and on about the same thing. But yeah it was lovely hanging around with Batty, Fino, the Economist that last week of December. I remember the fried pork at Koshy’s, the smell of the dusty books at Blossoms as Batty and I went berserk on our book shopping spree and I also remember the chocolate shake the Economist had that same afternoon from that one particular vendor he loves having it from on St Marks road. Please correct me if I am wrong Economist.
December 2009 has been different, happy different, refreshing different and full of surprises. I was on a month long break and I have been home spending a lot of time with loved ones. Yeah I quit my 4 month old job this December and sat at home one whole month lazing around. When I look back to this December I’ll remember the cherry blossom tattoo, the long lazy winter lunch in the middle of the week, the breakfast at Flury’s with sister on Christmas Eve and smoking at “The Bridge” and acting surprised cos you knowingly bumped into someone heheh! I’ll remember the Christmas lunch with Mum and sister at the Flavours of China, catching a sad movie (De Dana Dan) together yet again, the LIIT at Roxy, playing Tombola with a bunch of adorable people including the cutest 9 year old I know, taking the car out for the first time all alone and the thrill one felt as the cold wind hit my face, having a glass of wine and a piece of cake with Mommy at the stroke of the midnight hour on 31st December and yes the whole world was out there partying and getting drunk but for Batty and me. Not to forget the sigh of relief and thanking god that this year, the worst in my life is over and we survived it. Here’s a toast for better times to come and here’s hoping there shall be many more hullos and lesser good byes and yes this December shall play on my mind for a long long time to come. :-)

I'm alive...

I am 26 years old and till a week back I hadn't driven anything on 4 wheels ever in my whole life. However when I took the car out for a spin this morning all alone for the first time I got the biggest kick I'd gotten for the longest time. Hmmmmm.....how do I explain? Its like one of those lists one has of things one feels one can never do. Driving was number 2 on the list. Number 1 is yet to happen though now I feel it never will and hence I don't wanna talk about it and jinx it. Wonder of wonders driving isn't half as hard as I thought it would be and honestly I didn't have a clue how to go about it and my first driving class was a nightmare. After the third day I decided to take the car out in the compound and of course banged the first car within the line of sight and felt mighty foolish. Thankfully it was a slight crash and it did not deter me as I went about trying to get comfortable with the vehicle even if my heart was in my mouth every single time a mini-bus almost brushed past by or the giant trucks over took my tiny little car out of nowhere not to forget the pedestrians who believe it is their birthright to walk right in the middle of the main roads. Yeah my sister gave it off to me for feeling overconfident and it was anything but overconfidence. I only wanted to face my worst demons and if that meant blocking all the fear and focussing just on the steering wheel then be it. Yeayyyyyyyyyyy! I get to give my driving test hopefully before I leave for Delhi and me shall have a license very soon and maybe my very own car before the end of this year.

Since this is the first day of the year I guess I am supposed to talk about new year resolutions. Sigh! I have very few this year and the first and foremost being I wanna live each day as if it were my last day. I think I have spent too much time cribbing over the most inane matters, people, fears. Naaaaa life is too short to be making any lists especially for the likes of me. No lists for me please. :-) I am gonna live for me and the people who matter to me and to whom I matter to this year. Happy New Year to me. :-)

Ding dong I am a Bong! :-)

I’ve been really busy doing nothing the last couple of days and lemme tell you that it is a full time job. So D is in town and he and I sat around eating, watching tv, rolling on the bed and watching some more tv whole of yesterday. We lazed around so much that by the end of it by 6 in the evening we couldn’t stand the sight of the television hahah! D is my closest cousin who lives and works in Maine and I get to meet him once in 2 years or so. He happened to sneak a break and managed really cheap tickets and hence came down all of a sudden. But as luck would have it his visit coincides with a wedding and now he is all busy trying to balance us and the other part of the family together. He and I both are completely at sea with all these Bengali wedding rituals and my Mum and aunt take full responsibility for it. I am rather ashamed of the fact that I cannot write Bengali fluently and that I had it as third language in school or that I honestly did not know what “aaiburobhaat” was until I saw someone tagged on an FB album and looked like she was getting married only to be told it’s a pre-wedding bridal shower. When I asked my newly and blissfully wedded friend Riona what the word meant she had that look of surprise on her face. I was like “ I really don’t know what it means and I am not putting on an act.” She said “yeah right you know what mehendi and sangeet is but you don’t know what aaiburobhaat is.” Yes I don’t but I do wanna know more. I did grow up in Kolkata and spent 8 years there but it was just different in our house. I speak my mother tongue fluently but I can pass myself off as a non-bengali effortlessly. I often come across people who poke fun at my ignorance of Bengali culture. I am just not conventional bong and come to think very few of us are typical of our region or typical of our part of the country all thanks to our upbringing and the wandering lives we have lead. But that doesn’t mean I am not proud of my roots or that I don’t enjoy all that comes along as a part and parcel of being a Bengali. I love my “machher jhol and bhaat” but I can live being a vegetarian for months. I adore the old “Uttam Suchitra” movies but cannot stand the new age "running around the trees variety" of bong flicks being churned out. Those are an absolute insult to the legacy of the likes of Satyajit Ray and Bimal Roy. My biggest regret is that I cannot read Bengali properly and thus couldn’t get a first hand taste of Bengali literature. Reading the original classics cannot be compared to reading translations and I don’t understand the language half as well I would have liked to. Growing up my Mum had made it a rule to speak Bengali at home cos in school one got to speak only in English and socializing with the other army kids we spoke a lot in hindi. I use to be appalled at those Bengali families where they spoke hindi at home despite coming from small towns in Bengal. They took a certain pride in doing so and Ma and I found that hilarious. Forgetting one’s roots is downright shameful.
Now that I am grown up and been living away for a while I think I crave to speak Bengali sometimes unlike in college where I confess I kept away from the Bengali clan. That was also cos they were Bengali with a vengeance and that definitely turns me off. Am I a hypocrite? Maybe I was but now me thinks I have made peace with my identity. I do get defensive when the bong jokes go over the top. I remember this one time in Delhi when I blew my top when this guy started criticizing Kolkata saying “There ain’t too many malls in Calcutta like Gurgaon and happening party places.”:p I said something nasty like “Yeah with you Delhiites it stops at malls and party places. That is how far you care to use your grey cells.” No offence meant to anybody please I lauuuu Delhi but hate such insensitive people with a frog in the well attitude. Sigh! I haven’t even dated too many Bengali men ;-). Or have I? Hmmmm I have had crushes on some dozens of them hahah! Naaa it has been a while that I met an interesting Bengali man or it maybe otherwise. We shall leave it at that. ;-) Talking in Bengali isn’t a problem now since my closest friends understand it fluently so there have been times when I wanted to bitch about someone so have done so in Bengali to She or Finoo and they understood every word to the last T. Naaa not that Calcutta did that to them but Pune did. What to do half of Calcutta landed up there and we polluted the city with our Bengaliness and Bengalisms hahah! Yeah so I guess I’ll never ever be the conventional archetypal Bengali and but a bong I am and always shall be nonetheless.

Leap of Faith

So three of us resigned on three consecutive days and man was it a bolt from the blue for them or not. They don’t know what hit them especially cos it is a small organization and we didn’t plan it out this way but it just happened that eventually we dropped like skittles one after the other on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Hahaha! I look forward to a month of lazing around before I am back on board and this time around I really hope my innings are more exciting, challenging and yeah way longer.

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”
Patrick Overton

The Best Laid Plans

Once upon a time we use to have concrete plans now all we can is to float around and go wherever life takes us. So here we go again and hope that this time it isn’t as much of a rollercoaster ride that it was before. No we never get what we want when we want. But this wasn’t the life I had envisioned for myself and in my head I was supposed to be someplace else. I did try, I tried real hard to get it all back but alas I could not. Every time I came strikingly close to it the picture vanished almost like a mirage. It was a mirage all along, all of it and to think I had mistaken it for the real picture. No I never really had a choice cos this is where I was meant to be. I have no idea how tis gonna be this time around so I am bracing myself for a relatively quieter stint. But then like someone had said “The best laid plans of mice and men go awry.” So yeah "Come January" or most importantly "Hullo Delhi."

Trust Issues

I have learnt not to ever trust prospective employers and prospective suitors. You never know when they change their mind. :p

I'll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open.

Weekends do not qualify as weekends if all you get off is a Sunday. These miniscule weekends definitely do not suit me. Suddenly I seem to be all geared up for what lies ahead. If anything lies ahead at all that is. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. Honestly now if people ask me so what are you planning on doing I don’t know what to say except for well I want a new job and I refuse to look beyond that. I made too many plans and too many of them fell apart. Me and my big and dreamy plans of wanting to study some more. These days I almost feel like maybe I let myself down or maybe I never had that tenacity needed for me to persevere and do something about all those plans. Just look where I am today. I know I went wrong somewhere. I shouldn’t have this self depreciating attitude but I just do. I am not looking for sympathy or for people to reassure me saying that I will do well for myself or that it is just a matter of time. Right now I feel the other way around. I don’t wanna talk big and do nothing about it. Seems like I did a lot of that after passing out of college. Well apparently I am not half as ambitious as I thought I was cos I wouldn’t have been stuck at this point or I am just not good enough. I refuse to believe the latter though. It is not about being “not good enough”. Maybe it is the timing or just plain bad luck. I don’t wanna believe that I won’t make it or that I’ll be stuck being mediocre for the rest of my life like I have been for a long long time now. I hate this tag of mediocrity that has built itself a house in my life.
There I go again. Ranting and raving about the same old. I am very very patient these days. Where did all this patience manifest itself from? The last paragraph is a consequence of some telephonic conversations with prospective employers. Yeah I never got that call back. Am I being acutely pessimistic? I don’t think so. You would judge yourself right if something looked so close and then you realize it bloody far. That’s how close I probably came to getting back my old life again but for me and my shortcomings. That’s why now I am gonna try keeping the expectations to zero. I do not expect anything cos even expecting is a sin. Yeah these days I don’t make any plans for the future anymore cos you know what life just turns it all around and I am left with zilch in hand. But I can’t help but dream but this time am only gonna dream with my eyes wide open, wide wide open.
“I'll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open, and I'll do my looking back with my eyes closed”

I wish cleaning up my cupboard could amount to cleaning up my mind

I am a bad bad girl. I am supposed to be working on some environmental legislations that are oh so monotonous and that do not inspire me at all to wanna work so here I am blogging. Please pardon me if the blog post in its entirety does not make sense. I have all these thoughts floating my mind and I am planning on penning it down even if it ends up sounding a lil disjointed. Sigh! It takes an hour and a half of travel each day to reach work that includes travelling by a cab, then shared cab that we call “shuttles” over here and then probably an auto. I am exhausted by the end of it or maybe it is just a mental block. The only incentive being I get to listen to a lot of music and I come across a variety of people. For instance the other day when a complete junkie got on to the cab with his bag and baggage that included his tattered backpack and a guitar. He looked soooo doped out and lost in his frayed jeans and faded tee and I did wanna make a conversation with him but for the prim and proper office going crowd sitting in the cab who’d think I must be a wee bit crazy wanting to talk to him.  He was in one word “so college going pune hippie types” the kinds we have spent hours smoking up with and singing along with and even been attracted to once upon a time.
I even got on to some cab the other day thinking it’s a shared cab only to realize it was actually owned by some factory and they were transporting goods across the city. I got a lift till my destination since it was on the way only to be shouted at later by my Miss lemony Pie saying “How could you take a lift from a bunch of factory workers?” I didn’t know what to say. They looked perfectly harmless besides I didn’t know that it wasn’t a cab and I saved 15 bucks. Ok that is a lame one. In future I plan to be more careful.
I am so so confused these days about a variety of things. I have stopped thinking or at least I try to. Oh and my sister drives while I don’t and I do feel like quite the looser to be honest about it. Last night I really wanted a smoke so we went downstairs on the pretext of an after dinner walk and I made her drive me down to Park Street to pick up smokes. Hmmmmm!
Last evening Ma and I finally got down to using the new oven and we tried our hand at cooking a stuffed roast chicken. To our utter disbelief after reading and re-reading the manuals we made a half cooked roast that had to be set aside for some normal dal chawal. I remember different days when I could dish out a divine roast. I just do not feel inspired any longer and I don’t want it to be like this. I want that zest for life again. I want that pep and that extra zing in me. I wonder where all of that went. So many times I feel like hell I am just wasting time waiting for the rest of my life to begin when today is all I have and I don’t want this to go for me to realize this is gone too. I don’t even feel like exercising anymore. This is not the way it is supposed to be. What is this and what have I become? I am so negative that I could make a living out of the negativity. This post wasn’t meant to sound bitter. Hmphhhhh! Can we move on to happier things please? :-)
I cleaned my cupboard after eeons yesterday and arranged every piece of clothing systematically, in its rightful place and it did a world of good to my peace of mind. Does that sound strange? It is the same satisfaction I get at work after sorting out my “Desktop” and putting all the files in proper folders, neatly named, renamed for my convenience. I wish cleaning up my cupboard could amount to cleaning up my mind and my life too. Wishful thinking indeed.