Shimmer :-)

Fell in love with the song and the lyrics. The song is called Shimmer and the Economist thought the lyrics were somewhat akin to the quotes I always put up on my blog :-).

"Shimmer"

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go

How we use to be ...

Something written by me more than 8 months back. We have surely come a long long way indeed. I was drunk on a quarter of vodka one Saturday evening in Delhi when Preema and I decided to ditch the rest of the gang as they headed to some fancy club ( think it was F Bar). I sat at home obstinately making the excuse of monetary problems and Preema sneaked out and came home with the Bald Cutie and three of us drank and spoke a lot about life, why we are the way we are and why we do what we chose to do, religion, faith and our personal beliefs. I distinctly remember composing this blog post and for some reason not putting it up. Maybe cos I thought it revealed too much. Now it doesn't pinch me anymore and surprisingly this was still lying in the drafts unpublished so here it is. A bit of the " love-sick looney" I use to be and always will be heheh!


"i don't listen to the same songs anymore. i keep searching for new songs on limewire looking for music that doesn't remind me of u. i know life has changed and we ain't where we used to be. i wonder if all that was real. i hate so hate aerosmith and i'd rather die than listen to "dream on" or "deuces are wild".i am moving on and succeeding. i bump into u in and all that i feel is the awkwardness left and the silence that predominates every other feeling.i don't even get drunk as often as i used to when u were around. yeah m a little inebriated now but tis all good. u ain't around to keep an eye on the number of drinks i have. i don't ask questions anymore and i don't wait patiently for weekends anymore cos weekends ain't half as fun without u. i know u ain't gonna call me on a saturday night saying"m coming over soooo pleasseeeee order food" or jus come home and mess up my room. we ain't gonna be standing in front of my dressing table doing r own thing completely unaware of the pretty picture we make and darn there ain't gonna be anymore pictures of us. but u know what this isn't it and some other day, some other age and some other time we are gonna meet again and it is gonna be a different story."

"and if r hands should meet in another dream we'll build another tower in the sky"

You can make it as big or as small as you want....

I have been asked to visit a tea leaf reader cos someone I know thinks I should since I must be having a dozen questions in my mind about how this is gonna turn out to be and where exactly is my life heading. But you know what I don’t even remotely wanna know what the outcome is gonna be like. I am gonna take this one day at a time and I mean it. I am not interested in what the soothsayers have to say. Its not that I have never been intrigued by palmistry and face reading but then it was about trivial things like boys or a job. This isn’t about that and to be told something and starting to believe in it and what if it comes true and it is not to my liking. That scares me so no I’d rather pray and hope and live my life the right way. Even if I try to I cannot seem to pray as much as her but yes I can do the right thing and make the right choices and that would be my way of contributing towards the healing.
In the meanwhile I’ve been busy with work as usal and thank God for working in a place like this. I actually don’t get time to think which is good and bad at the same time. I don’t wallow in self pity or else initially the only thought eating me up would be “why oh why?” Now I immerse myself in some research or a useless agreement and its all good for that short span of time. The other side of the story being I get out of work so late that I am not getting time to pay my bills, give the curtains to the tailor for alteration etc. Oh I shifted into a new place and I quite like my new room. I still have to do it up and I like my flatties cos they are nice women, very chilled out like us and very very sane. They are working and like to come back home and sleep on time and leave for work on time minus the hullabaloo and madness I was witness to last 2 years of my life. Its quiet and no loud music or too many people. I do feel itsy bitsy lonely sometimes but hell I ain't complaining.

There is a no smoking rule inside the house but we have a lovely terrace so I make ample use of that once a day. I am trying to get use to the idea that yes I am gonna quit smoking sometime very soon. I am not a compulsive smoker at all but at the end of the day I love having one cigarette while listening to music and talking nineteen to dozen on the phone with Batty or Miss Lemony Pie. That’s a luxury I don’t feel like giving up right now. Last week wasn’t as dreary as I thought it would be. For starters I saw Dev D with Nutty, the Economist’s younger brother, his cousin and a friend. We reached the theatre earlier and Nutty hadn’t met the younger brother before so we were playing this game called “ Guess whose the Economist’s younger brother?” and I’d point out the shadiest and slimiest of guys saying “Yeah that’s him” and Nutty would get soooo appalled until he actually came in and she recognized him cos he looked like the miniature version of the Economist hahaha!

The weekend was spent almost only at home except for a couple of hours out at Mojo’s on Saturday. Fino was home for coffee on Sunday evening when we spoke and spoke cos we met up after 3 weeks. I also went to the church for a while and lit a candle. Plan to do that regularly. Lets see if I can. Ram Sene did not go on a rampage as all of us had expected them to and no I don’t think they forcibly married any couples of. “The Pink Chaddi” campaign was welcomed by most of us but I was too lazy to send some. Sigh! I am looking forward to the coming weekend as the Economist is coming down so Saturday lunch at 3 Stories I guess. ☺ The weekend after She is coming to town with Miss Touch-Me-Not and we have so much of catching up to do, indulge in harmless girly gossip and bitching besides lamenting over the state of our lives hahah! She promised to get me some colourful bedcovers from Sarojini or Lajpat Nagar and ear rings. Yeayyyyy!!!!

“It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

For You A Thousand Times Over

I cry at the strangest of times. Sometimes the tears come when I am talking to her on the phone and I can hear her voice choke with emotions or sometimes late evening when I am braindead, not being able to make any sense out of the jumble of words in front of my eyes and reality hits me that you ain't gonna be around. I'd thought you'd be there at my wedding ( whenever it would be with whosoever) bickering and bantering with her for the smallest of things, loosing your cool at the drop of a hat but still putting on a smiling face in the evening when the guests came in and you got high on a couple of pegs of Old Monk. I'd thought you would be there when I became a mother and you held your first grandchild in your arms with that confused but gleeful expression on your face just like the time when you first held a squeeling, 5 day me.

I'd thought you'd be around when Nutty and I did exceeding well for ourselves and you would never acknowledge it but be proud of his two daughters secretly. I'd thought someday when I can afford it I would get you that watch you always wanted. I'd thought a lot of things but never thought it would be ending this way. Sometimes I ask God to take whats mine and give it to you. I really do. For you a thousand times over, yeah a thousand times over.....

I'd never thought something like this would happen to somebody so so close. I feel oddly disconnected cos I am so far away and it hasn't sunk in as yet. I knew something was wrong from the moment her voice changed and I finally confronted her and she didn't have to say anything cos I knew it from the time I started having those bad dreams every single night last week. I am still getting them each night but this isn't about me at all. This is totally out of the context but I'd always thought if I ever wrote a book the main dedications would be to both of them "To ____ for letting me be. To ____ for giving us the life you did cos today as I like look back I realise its been a good life all thanks to your little sacrifices over the years which we never understood."

Now I am sitting out here with my hands tied and I can't do a thing but to wait and watch. I know everybody says tis gonna be okay but until it does get okay all we can do is hope that it isn't as bad as they are making it out to be and pray. I know you'll never read this but I'd do anything to have you call me some 4 times every night complaining about how much she nags you and asking me whose side would I be on each time you quarrel. The phone calls have stopped and the silence is deafening...

A Moonbeam To Charm You....

I :-
Do not feel like shifting, not one bit, not at all but have to. Hmphhhhh! Why? Oh why? Why does it seem to be on the move constantly just when I get a little comfortable with my surroundings. I meant life by the way.

Hate the feeling of being not wanted, being the outsider, and I know I still am in this place and the Walrus and the Pretty Maid haven't accepted me for who I am. I wonder if they ever will.

Have this plan all hatched out in my head, something which might pay off in the long run. Hope I can go through with it and hope I am inspired enough.

Realised that most of the times I can slay my own dragons that spread havoc in my head. It feels good though they don't seem to go away forever and will always be there in some form or the other.

Have this wierd craving for the Fillet-o-Fish burger ever too often these days. Dude I am gonna be putting on all the weight that I lost, right back in the wrong places.

Am reading Daphne Du Maurier's Jamaica Inn and savouring every page. I love the sound of the moors, the winds, the dark and dreary English countryside and the gothic timeframe.

Have been having long conversations with Miss Lemony Pie and managed convincing her to do something completely unlike her. She is such a prude in some matters and to think I coaxed and cajoled her into something so funny gives me a quite a thrill.

Learning how to find myself again and realising that this was never gonna be easy.

Know that my sentences are halting and incoherent. Pardon me.

Found the warmest of quotes which says :-
“May God grant you always...A sunbeam to warm you, a moonbeam to charm you, a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to cheer you. Faithful friends near you. And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you.”

A brand new ending :-)

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
-- Carl Bard.

Wise words I say. Thats what I want a brand new ending. :-) And it will happen cos it has to and this can't be it.

Aaja Aaja Jind Shamiyane Ke Tale, Aaja Jariwale Nile Aasman Ke Tale'......

Jaiiiii Hoooo!! No this isn't a toast to Slumdog Millionaire. Think it has won accolades enough and I don't need to be spreading word around about the acclaimed movie or the brilliant music. I was just happy and this song is playing and the lyrics are stuck in my head. Its 9:30 in the morning and Fino and I are on this "sending utopia songs" trip even if I get to hear the songs in this 20th century PC hahah! I am at my family friends place vegetating or rather recuperating. Its a friday morning and I haven't gone for work and oohhhh such luxury. Don't you just loved those days when you have a valid reason not to work especially when you have been working like a dog (was about to say slumdog heheh!) and putting your heart and soul into it. I am learning a hell of a lot here at my new workplace and I have started enjoying what I do probably for the first time in my life. I never ever thought that the dry and colourless Company Law could hold immense possibilities even for the likes of me.
I have cutest colleague whom we are gonna christen Meggy and about whom I was very apprehensive about initially when I joined and whose been making the rounds of the hospitals with me entirely on her own prerogative. Minus all of that we have fun working together and she helps me out when I am stuck at a loophole trying to make sense out of some case law. Although a cute boy at work would also help the cause cos we are a 4 man army here and we are desperately in need of some entertainment sometimes when the books and the statutes bring out the worst in us. But damn no, Meggy and I ain't that lucky.
In the recent times I've seen a lot of bumps but my friends have definitely helped in making me see the lighter side of everything. I met Motu Boy at the airport (he was on his way to Cal from London)2 weeks back and it was lovely meeting that harum scarum of a boy after a space of three years. He was as boistrous and full of life, all smiling and beaming that made him so endearing to all of us in college. He made such a joke out of all my misdoings that at the end of it I couldn't help but laugh with him at myself. I love this boy and his infectious sense of humour and I'll always associate him with some of the happiest times in my life. I remember one time when She and I had this craving for bread pudding some 10:30 at night and I whined about it to Motu Boy and forgot all about it until voila' the bell rang at 12 at nite and my Santa had actually got me bread pudding from Lucky's coming from half the way across the town. We were paupers those days and for a student to do that meant the world to us. :-)
Hmmmm I wanna go to Noon Wines and have wine( 50 bucks a glass) with Batty and Economist in the evening. Why do they have to be soooooo farrrr away? Grrrrrrrr! A quote to end this post. :-)

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries"

Hiccups and hiccups!

Somewhere between working frantically over this wretched Section 187C and worrying about enrolling into the Bar and getting more excited than I should about the most trivial of things I fell apart and found myself in the hospital with saline being ejected into my veins with little or no clue of how I landed up there. You know how it is when everything is a daze and you wake up to find yourself in a place you would never find yourself in because you haven't had the time to even comprehend about the breakneck speed life is passing you by. I don't make too much sense now but yesterday as I lay in the hospital bed and spoke to Batty Woman as she asked me if I was alright and I finally confessed that no maybe I wasn't and I don't like being all alone here with insipid white all around me and the smell of medicines and my hand inclined upwards. That's when I called up Fino crying saying " Please come and yes I don't know why I am crying but I am." She was there before I knew it and took me home and fed me and took lotsa care just like Mommy would do.
It was a minor ailment but it sure made me think about a multitude of things. Like if I did die would it effect half as many people as I think it would or people wouldn't bother cos I had hurt them sometime in the past or angered them by my behavior. Would they still hold the old grudges against me and look back on my memories thinking she never meant anything to us and we'll let one incident cloud all the good times. The couple of hours in the hospital surely made me think. I realised that the first people I would message or call when I am in trouble would be Batty Woman, Fino and the Economist. Batty and Economist probably think I am looney to be messaging them from Bangalore telling them I fainted in office when I probably should be calling up people nearby. Sigh! But sometimes we are so in tune with some people in our lives that the rest do not matter and it maybe momentary but as long as some people are around the others pale in comparison. But I know times change and hopefully we make our peace with the past and certain people find their way back into your life.
I received the funniest phone call last week sometime from Mr.Hazel Eyes.(I meant to write a whole post on him which I shall very soon cos now I think he deserves a full post considering the fact that he's been there longer than I ever thought he would) He called up in the middle of the night piss drunk from Lucknow saying?"Are you sleeping. Go back to sleep man." I said "You have bloody woken me up now so you jolly well speak to me." He said something about his folks looking for a chick for him to get married to and how he was supposed to choose out of 6 women. I was like alright " And"
" Well your heart will break na if I get married."
" Please why should I care whom you get married to."
But ofcourse I just meant to sound cool heheh! Hmmmmmm so like that a tiny hiccup here and there and life is going on fine I guess but I wait for the good times to show their face again.

Changes are to be ushered in quietly....

Utopia is unimaginably sleepy. What with having hit the bed at 4 in the morn only after being the victim of some psychotic man’s lewd’s gestures in an ATM some half an hour before that when she and Batty Woman ran for their lives back to the cab cos the man insisted on opening his clothes in front of us. Oh God I shudder to think such people exist. Though in retrospect we couldn’t stop laughing about it but it surely scared us.
Oh I have to write about the new year party at the Economists place. So there we were a quite a motley bunch from some interesting walks of life. There were his friends from college in Bombay, his younger brother’s friends from law school ( that kid is just too adorable) , his friends from grad school in London and a couple of school friends thrown in. Fino entered in this exotic white creation and we oohed and aaheed only to be told it was Miss Chirpy’s who was also down for a visit from Delhi. Batty Woman’s 18 year old sibling was there too. One can well imagine what a colourful bunch we were. The Economist played the perfect host and the alcohol kept flowing as the night inched forward to welcome the new year. Sadly I wasn’t even remotely drunk as I only helped myself to three glasses of wine. I cannot say that for the rest though hahah!
Fino was the official barmaid of the evening and the part time DJ as she stood behind the bar cheekily asking “So what do you want?” and giggling simultaneously. Batty Woman was her usal cheerful self except when she got sentimental and vanished for periods when she’d be whispering on the phone. There is this one picture of Economist at the bar with the grumpiest expression on his face almost as if he was saying “Why did I ever invite all of them?” hahah! We women took an instant dislike to a friend’s insignificant other as we chose to call her since she so paled in comparison to her jovial better half. He was the ladies man and she faded into the background. I wonder how the most unlikeliest of couples stick together.
We took some lovely pictures thanks to Miss Chirpy’s fuschia camera. Batty Woman’s brother got his hands onto the guitar later on and he and Fino sang Zombie together and after a while he kept singing his own rendition of “Take me to your heart” until Batty Stopped him saying “Enough. Please go to sleep.” He is such a sweetheart you have to see him to believe it. He and the Economist’s brother have been voted the most favoured of all the younger siblings hehehe!
Last morning we came back to the Economist’s place to pick the brother up and deposit him at the station. In the process we had breakfast there too and played with his dog. ( No I am not a dog person at all. But this one is soooo cuteee) The Rockstar of a brother was suffering from his very first hang over in 18 years of his life and kept exclaiming “How do you guys handle this man?” I had no answer to that question cos honestly I cannot handle a hangover and I have had the worse hangovers in Delhi when the whole day has passed in pain and in the washroom throwing up. Eeyewwww!
I have fallen in love with this bookshop called Blossom’s on Church Street. Batty Woman and I must have picked up atleast 7 books there in the space of a week. The gang even dropped into Zara for a bit last nite and consumed two large pitchers of Mexican Sangria as post party analysis was carried on. Mind you this was after all of us vehemently denied in wanting to have anything to do with alcohol. All in all a quiet new year I say which is a good sign for me. What to you think? :D

Happy Happy New Year!

I am free of all prejudice and no I do not hate everyone equally. I let go of it all the anger, the rage, the feeling of helplessness and even the guilt. Tis gone amost miraculously. Yeayyyyyyy! A very Happy New Year people. We have surely come a long way from sitting with the autowallahs in the autostand and wailing about my lost file this day last year to today when I am sitting in office waiting for the damned watchman to come so that my colleaugue and I can leave. Byeeeeeee guys!

A lesson here, a lesson there

I haven’t written one of my customary long rambling posts for sometime now. Well change after change and I have been trying hard to stay afloat. Being stupid and impulsive also hasn’t helped the cause. As this year comes to an end I heave a sigh of relief. This is one year I am only too happy to say Good Bye to. I have even stopped visiting all your blogs and my sincere apologies for that. I cannot possibly put everything forward or even pour all my heart out cos in some ways this blog has become too public.
I have learnt lessons galore in this past year. I don’t even know where to begin. First and the biggest one would be about managing my finances better and not getting carried away with people who are financially irresponsible. I am still reeling under the pressure of paying debts off and believe me it doesn’t say much about your money management abilities and at 25 one is supposed to be a little more worldly wise than me.
Secondly I learnt that letting people walk over you and being silent about it doesn’t help anybody’s cause. You are left with nothing but utter frustration of unspoken and unvoiced grievances. They say one should always be honest about having unspoken feelings about love well I’ll say sometimes when you are livid for justifiable reasons you should take the ire out. I have even borne the brunt of it in the very recent past when I heard a lot of things I did not want to hear but I am glad they said what they said, I am glad they didn’t sugar coat their words.
I also learnt that we have to pay a price for all the misdoings and every wrong decision made and you don’t ever get away with anything cos your past surely catches up on you. I am struggling with my new job today cos think I had it rather easy the last time and maybe I took advantage of it and thus the present scenario wherein I cry every second day cos they have no belief in my abilities.
I learnt that changing cities was a blessing in disguise and the smartest decision I took in the longest time even if I crib and whine round the clock. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I learnt that even if something feels right from inside it can be all wrong for you and the mistaken things can sometimes turn out to be perfectly fine.
I learnt that I should clearly be listening to the little voice in my head and paying no heed to it was disastrous.
I learnt that being the victim is way easier than being the wrong doer and making peace with myself is of supreme importance.
I learnt that strangely I can go on long after I thought I couldn’t.

Of Desi Girls and weddings!

The first song that comes to my mind is from the very recent past is from this wedding I just came back from. I could not resist blogging about it. Sigh!
I see RedHead on her wedding day being held aloft by her brothers while Nik tries to garland her and her brothers keep holding her higher and higher until Nik calls for his loyal band of followers and they hold him aloft too and they finally garland each other.
I see RedHead being made to stand in the middle as the entire coterie of family and friends dance all around her on “Desi Girl” pointing there fingers towards her and singing along “Whose the hottest girl in the world?” I remember the coy smile on her face and the laughter in her eyes even if I was a tad bit inebriated.
I recollect the exact moment when Nik came on stage and finally shook his leg on “Mehndi Laga Key Rakhna” and the expression in the bride’s eyes as she looked on in wonderment.
I see all of us getting flustered with our bad hair evenings and trying to perfect the art of making our faces up hahah!
I remember us friends being totally in awe of the show put on by the boy’s side on the Sangeet day thinking how the hell are we gonna perform with so many eyes upon us.
I remember the mauves, the greens, the pinks and the purples but the one colour that stands out the most is the rich and vibrant red.
I remember the tinkle of the glasses, the sound of laughter, the stolen cigarettes, the wine, the starry winter sky, the hushed whispers.
I see the bride’s sisters in law and her friends practice dancing on “Jaane kyun” and “Haule Haule” and trying to invent steps at the n’th hour.
I see RedHead bedecked in mehndi and the dark colour of the henna on everybody’s hands but mine cos I neva took leave saying I am gonna be attending a Big Fat Punjabbi Wedding of one of my closest friends.
I see the family rallying around their oh-so-precious RedHead making sure that this was a wedding to remember for years to come.
I see tears of happiness and blessings for the future as the bride and groom left.
I felt listless and empty thinking darn the wedding is over and we shall be going back to our ordinary lives.
I looked back on the first time they met years back as I saw both of them making eyes at one another.
I see them together today and realize that yeah sometimes one does have the happiest ending.

A Message

So I ain't going through a great time right now and I am gonna be off blogging until things settle down in my head and in my life. Na na no crisis situation but I need to make peace with some stuff thats all. Went for the loveliest wedding and a prettier bride there never was. You know those times in life when everything keeps going wrong one after the other and one does the stupidest of things and makes the wrong decisions. So thats what happening so I need to lie low, sit back and let things to ease up. And I have a message for some very precious people who read this and I just wanna say that there is more to me and I know you guys have every right to judge me. You mean the world to me and I'll miss ya but no emotional nonsense over here. You have lost respect for me and I respect your decision. I am trying to make peace in my head and believe you me I don't think highly of myself right now. So we do a detour and bye for now. But I'll be back cos times will change,so will life, people will change too and most importantly some part of me will change.

And we hit rick bottom the harder we try. All the happiness is sucked out. We cry and cry and cry. We haven't cried this much for years now. Friends have come and gone, fights and misunderstandings flit pass by, we have lost files and found them too, fallen in love and fallen out of it, shifted cities, jobs, lives and not once but time and time again, lost faith and found it back almost miraculously and more than anything we have lived through it all. Then why does this feel like the end of the world?I wanna be happy. I wanna get up each morning knowing that it is gonna be a good day and that I won't question my abilities some million times a day. I seem to be loosing belief in my own abilities and today I even asked my Mum if I was that bad a lawyer. I hateeeeee that, hate it from the deepest core of my heart. So i take a pledge that hell I am gonna make it, come anything. I am gonna play by your rules and be bloody good at it. I might stumble and fall but I am gonna get up again and try once more till I master it and I promise this to myself. I am not gonna be this crying, wimpering wuss whose eyes get filled up with tears at one harsh word. Times will change and someday we shall look back and laugh at this day and know that yes we made it through this and we can make it through anything.

Show Me That Wonders Can Be True

Today is one of the first days when work isn’t that hectic. I have some time to myself. I am supposed to be researching on the procedural issues on forming a company in godforsaken Armenia but I thought I’d blog cos I haven’t done so in a while except for my brief and morose post last week. Looking at my last couple of posts I don’t seem to be in a cheerful frame of mine. Sigh! Guess just one of those phases in life and for once it has nothing to do with the opposite sex heheh! What a relief? Maybe we are finally growing up in life, maybe we are actually learning to put past experiences to use. Or I don’t know maybe its because I was sick of feeling bad about myself and what was, what could have been and ranting and raving about the same thingie to my friends and trying to make myself believe something that never was.
The week that has passed by was tragic and we are still trying to come to terms to what happened in Bombay and the impact it’ll have on our country. I so hope that for once we learn, I so hope we don’t move on without a thought. I hope we aren’t indifferent like we have been in the past. We seem to forget so easily and this time we should not. This should be etched in our minds. We were glued on to the updates on the net in office and it was endless. An English team of lawyers who were at our office for a lunch meeting last Monday for a deal we are working together on got stuck in Taj on the fateful day. The poor old dears lasted 36 hours in that man made hell before the commandos rescued them. We heard the statement they made to BBC and my Boss had tears in his eyes as they described the pitiable state of the people in there and the helplessness that dominated every other feeling.
My life is relatively unexciting now from what it use to be. We have surely come a long long way. I know all of us do but the contrast just seems to be too stark. No more going over the top, no more extreme emotions, no more being choked with unspoken feelings, no more suppressed anger, no more sleep deprived existence. Also I don’t seem to be having too many interactions with new people. I don’t have time and all of us lead different lives. I know its never gonna be like before and tis silly to think it can be. But I had wanted a balanced life. I wish Fino was closer and I could just call her up and say “hey lets go for a drink”. This Friday I so wanted to go to some place where they play nice music and to just sit and head bang and sip my Bloody Mary.
I didn’t want this to be a “I so miss Delhi” post cos I don’t wanna go back to a lot of things and the way it was. But I miss having distractions in my life hahaha! Am I actually saying that? I remember sitting in the High Court canteen early in the morning after a particularly eventful house party that went on a tad bit too late and ended with me howling and running out of the car as the person called me and I refused to listen. I remember crying and crying in my drunken state and Batty Woman and Raddy trying to pacify me but to no avail as I looked at my crying reflection in the mirror and cried some more. I didn’t even know exactly what I was crying about. I am amazed at how I was able to make it to the court next morning hahaha!
I do like this me, this new me that is evolving out of the old one that has been left behind. I am more worldly wise now, I won’t get hurt half as easily now or rather I’ll not let myself get hurt. I am not gonna be walked upon and paid no heed to. I refuse to play second fiddle. But a teeny meeny part of me misses the recklessness and yes sometimes I do miss the insanity that was me.

If Wishes Were Horses

I know I chose this expectantly,willingly and more than anything with a sigh of relief but I so wish it wasn't this hard. I wish each day did not seem to pass by agonisingly, so slowly with me questioning myself all the time. I wish things fell into place and this wasn't all higgledy piggledy.I wish this wasn't only about work but it is so . I wish I had something to distract myself with but i don't. I wish I find my rhythm soon and settle down cos I hate this feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Didn't I know how to save a life?

This clearly is no time to be blogging at 12: 20 in the afternoon but hell I have some hundred something documents that I have to go through and I do not feel like doing such insipid work right now. So here I am having reduced my font size to a measly 8 and typing away to glory. The lengths we go to hahhaha! Oh and my Boss keeps getting these funny phone calls cos apparently his number use to be some BPO called Zingo BPO’S before and he is livid every time they call him up saying “ Is this Zingo BPO?” I don’t why but the three of us find it hard keeping our laughter at bay cos Zingo sounds a tad bit funny and this is a law firm at the end of the day and when he gets these phone calls right in the middle of a meeting with some client it is quite disconcerting for him. As of now we are sending a legal notice to Airtel to stop these annoying phone calls or we’ll sue them hahaha!
I have been spending a lot of time alone. I am dead tired by the end of the day and don’t have the strength in me to indulge in other activities but to get home, read for a bit and hit the sack. I haven’t slept so much in the longest time. In Delhi I use to be eternally sleep deprived and here I sleep a minimum of 8 hours but alas when I get up each morning it is almost like I partied till the wee hours of the morning and just got up. What’s with me? Sigh. Oh and I walk for miles altogether. I haven’t made use of my legs half so much in the recent years after having left Pune. Everytime I head to Offiice or back home after work I take a different route cos I want to be familiar with the lanes and bylanes and the houses are so pretty, like dolls houses and the roads are tree lined avenues. I love the weather and yes after Delhi the weather over here is soothing on the nerves.
I have been thinking a lot lately. Well that sounds silly but generally I have been introspecting and I have come to the conclusion that I guess I did run away from circumstances and the situation that had built itself over a course of almost two years. I mean I got the job and saw a way out of the self made disaster and misery. I know I made my life out there sound almost like one long party in this blog. If I want to look back and feel nostalgic it is so easy to think that it was one looooonnnggg party but that is not what it was all about. I am not in talking terms with a lot of people I have mentioned before on this blog. I miss them and I question myself sometimes wondering where did I go wrong. It must be me or was it them or just us?
They aren’t playing any role in my life today but there was a time when my life centred around them and I have to pinch myself to make myself believe that no they had been there, we did have the best of times, that it was real and not a dream. I have no regrets whatsoever. I am at peace over here cos the biggest sign being I am comfortable being alone except once in a while when I call up She and cry cos I had to watch a movie alone or when a certain Bananafish called and I burst into tears cos as usal I had 500 documents to review hahah! Thank you btw! And I am pissed with Hazel Eyes for not having called me this weekend. I am use to talking to you but I’ll never say so. Hmphhhhh! And I do wanna meet you even if I emphatically denied the same to Batty Woman saying you don’t make a difference cos in the strangest of ways you do. You know that and I knew that a long time back.

Sneak Blogging!

How the mighty have fallen? Sneak blogging hahah! Yeah this is a new term I am gonna coin as blogging from my new office is definitely as sneaky blogging can get. I don’t have a moment to breathe and I have been dying to blog the whole week but alas for work. Right now too I have a pile of documents to go through and some random agreement to draft but I put my foot down and decided noooo I really wanna pen my thoughts down. My first day of work wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, in fact it wasn’t horrible at all. My boss is quite the darling but a bloody hard task master and thankfully my colleagues too are quite amicable and not the vamps as I was dreading them to be. I won’t say I love my job and I love what I do cos I am oh so very at sea with finance as previously all I did for 2 years was infrastructure but I am learning, yes I am learning and I’ll get there.
Talk about sounding all sunshiny well it wasn’t so on Friday when I sat through this 4 hour meeting with a client and all the clauses on service tax and sales tax went over my head. By the end of it post meeting and pre lunch I was in tears as I ran out of office towards the cafeteria trying very hard to control those tears from falling as the canteen staff and the bystanders wondered what was wrong with this woman who was hiding her face and crying on the phone. I called up She and howled saying “ I don’t know anything and I left everything for this and I don’t even know what I have gotten myself into.” She is my eternal Feel Good About yourself factor as she said “ For Christ’s sake woman give yourself some more time. Its been only 5 days. 6 months down the line if you feel the same then we’ll talk about it. Come on we know you ain’t dumb.” I still don’t know if I am dumb or not cos I feel like I am the dumbest thing walkin on planet earth almost everyday.
So finally I was asked to remove the kajal that must’ve spread all over my face as a consequence of crying too much and hold my chin up. So I did and yeah I am trying and that’s what is important right! At least I hope so. I am trying to happy about my brand new pristine white apple notebook. It sure looks funky. Sigh! And I did go for one birthday party on Saturday, danced like a bar dancer in some chandni bar and I did get stone drunk and yes I met a cute boy too besides the hot gay men hahaha! Oh and the host of the party was a senior from college and she made me feel utterly at home even though we met almost 4 years later. The evening ended rather disastrously though as I became Miss Blabber Mouth and spoke entirely too much. I am so sorry Fino. Promise next time I am gonna shut up completely. I will not divulge stupid girly secrets to silly boys who pinch and poke and prod too much. Hehehe!
I had the worst hangover in over two months whole of Sunday morning and well into Sunday afternoon as I threw up every 15 minutes. Serves me right! So much so for saying “ Fino I don’t wanna overdo it. I wanna come back home and work on that agreement.” I shifted into my new place last evening. I quite like it especially the pwetty blue tiled wash room. And most importantly met up with my younger looney sister who blackmailed me into borrowing my laptop. She has chopped off her gorgeus mane for some some floosy of a hairstyle heheh! Anyways work beckons. Shall be back soon with funnier tales. On hindsight this post is quite a depressing one. Hmphhhhhh!

Cos I am Miss Brightside

Its 6:30 in the morning and I have been up since 5:15 cos I keep tossing and turning and can't seem to get any sleep. Maybe because this is gonna be the first day of my new job and I don't know why but till last morning it was fine until I started getting the jitters at night wondering how is this gonna turn out to be. I hope I can live it up, live up to my employers expectations, to my own and sort the financial mess out cos believe me right now very few people would wanna be in my shoes considering the state of my finances.I am scared of not being able to settle down and managing this with ease. I get a feeling I will but until I get there I ain't gonna be sure of any of this.I know I am gonna be judged and inspected be with with my work, my appearance, my attitude and just about everything and that is what makes me nervous maybe but I also know that I can handle all of it and it'll be fine with time. At this moment I am trying to convince myself more than anything that I'll be alright and this was the right step in the right direction as someone told me. We can't be sure of anything in life can we?

I was soooooo cranky yesterday. I saw " Life in a Metro" and cried puddles of teardrops hahaha! I don't even know what exactly was bothering me. The new job, not having all the old people around but I do have really close friends here too or I'd think of S and feel teeny meeny bit bad. Sigh! I saw some pictures of an engagement of these two juniors from college on Facebook last night and I swear to God it seemed soooooooooo alien cos they have their entire life planned out and as for me well I don't even know where I am gonna be two years from now forget about being sure about whom I wanna spend the rest of my life with.I thought I was but it was such a fleeting one sided phase and the lesser spoken about the better.

Oh I think I am feeling better already cos yeayyyyy Fino is up and she is surprised that I am awake way to early. I am listening to Mr. Brightside by The Killers and this is gonna be playing in my head all day I am sure. Wish me luck people cos I really need it and Good Morning!

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all