And so it is not quite like I thought it would be as life goes easy on me...

Well I am incredibly bored and the heat is doing looney things to me. I have the strangest of moods when I am obsessing over trivial things that really should not matter to me and the bigger things just do not seem to be that important anymore. For instance last week I was so convinced that a few days more of this agony and I am gonna chuck my resignation letter on my boss’s face and walk away without a single regret. That is so not me. I am the kind of person who weighs all the pros and cons and tries doing the right thing and always in some ways does what is expected of me. But really when one is driven to the wall and you get up in the morning with that nasty feeling at the pit of your stomach then it is high time that you move away. I haven’t taken a holiday in a year and a half and I am doing so and the excuse I have come up with is downright scandalizing. My boss happened to be all cheerful the other day and I knew it that this was the time I say it or sit at the home the whole weekend and mope. So there I was telling him all animatedly on how keen my folks were about me meeting this guy who could possibly be a prospective candidate for marriage. Darn he actually bought it heheeh! So he thinks I am going to Bangalore to meet “The Boy” while I am going to the Jim Corbett National Park for 2 whole days with the whackiest bunch of people hahah!
One of closest friends shifted base from Chennai to Delhi and I am jubilant. It is lovely having her around. We have been joined at the hip since she came to town on Sunday and we never seem to run out of conversation. She is my soul sister and is as batty and deranged as me heheh! The other day we went out for dinner with an old friend whom I got to know only recently. We were acquaintances for more than a decade and we even ended up in the same college but bizarre are the ways of this world as we started talking only after both of us realised that we shared a common love of blogging. So Batty Woman and I met up with Blogger Buddy and her husband for drinks and what a delightful evening we had. I had heard about Blogger Buddy’s husband from her before but meeting both of them as a couple was entirely entertaining and he did take me by surprise and I must say appearances can be very deceptive haha! On Sunday I’d gone to Blues Cafe with Batty Woman and Funny boy and his best pal. Was quite a fiasco as I stormed out of Blues after insisting on paying the bill and not letting Funny Boy pay a penny. I don’t think he is as funny as I thought he was and let us leave it at that. Thank heavens for Batty Woman being there with me that evening or else I had one too many a Bloody Mary and my lips were almost falling off because of an overdose of the salt and the Tabasco sauce and not to forget the state my delusional mind. I have realised one thing though that really how could I ever think I would be able to relate to someone who thinks “sarcasm” is a long word.
I am meeting S today after 3 whole weeks. He was in Goa for a long holiday and had lotsa fun with his friends. I am sooooo looking forward to meeting him. I miss his cartoonish presence in my life. My Dad was in town day before and I went to Ruby Tuesday with him cos I had been wanting to sample the crab cakes they had displayed on the menu for some time now. Now what am I supposed to do if Happy Hours was on so I had two Mojitos. My Dad found it amusing but my Mum calls me up later in the night and screams at me saying how I am on the verge of turning an alcoholic. I was livid. I just had 2 Mojitos. I mean for Christ’s sake it ain’t that big a deal. Okie yeah last time she came to town and stayed with me for a week one night when all my friends came home for dinner I did get drunk on wine, but that was happy tipsy and besides those were my closest friends and I can be myself with them. The funniest was when S and Mamma were making fun of me as S said “ Pia don’t talk your speech is slurred. “ and Mamma says laughingly “She is just like her Dad. Alcohol runs in her veins.” I do share a love hate relationship with her. Sigh! Anyways I am off. Have a great weekend while I try and figure what to pack and take with me for my sojourn into the wilderness.

I can have anything that I desire. Sigh!

Hullo! Guess I am updating after 3 weeks or so. Been so goddamned busy and yesterday was the first Sunday when I could laze around without a worry on my mind about pending work. “Pending Work” what can I say about these two little words that have taken precedence over everything else in my life. Now there are certain aspects of my job which I absolutely detest. I do not like dealing with inanimate objects day in and day out and the insipidity that from my perspective defines the construction industry. Now I know I shouldn’t be passing such dramatic statements cos for builders and promoters this is as good as it gets and its only getting better. But I so hate these arbitrations which take place one after the other and the only role I play is to be typing out the minutes of the meeting and the arbitrators who often mistake me for a stenographer. It did not bother me too much before cos most of them would be elderly people who’d treat me almost with a hint of affection as I’d be young enough to be their grand daughter. But last week there was an arbitration at ASSOCHAM Chamber and darn I’d been working like a dog all morning in office when I was called there for typing and the Chief Arbitrator took me to be a secretary or something and was even surprised when I’d knew the matter as well as I did. He was downright rude cos I was a bit slow and later on when I went to get the print outs my bosses told him that I was a lawyer as well. When I came in later he was scrutinising me from head to toe trying to make out the lawyer in me but his attitude hadn’t changed and he was as patronising as ever. I felt really let down more than anything else cos I had only been trying to do my job well. The opposite party had gotten along this pretty young thing of an advocate who was seemed to be quite a bimbette but just cos she was in black and white ( mind you all she did was to help her seniors hold the files) and I wasn’t the differential treatment. Hell I really don’t care. I don’t happen to be working for a law firm or a senior lawyer cos I chose a different path but that doesn’t mean what I do doesn’t deserve the same amount of respect. It bloody well does and I am working in a very niche field and that pretty young thing wouldn’t know half as much about construction law like I do. Oh my god I am blowing my own trumpet. No no this isn’t me. Just that sometimes it gets to me and yes yes I have got to find what I love and I haven’t as yet or maybe don’t have the means to right now.
Anyways I had quite a nice weekend. Friday night I was out with roomie and a couple of other friends. Roomie’s 17 year old brother is staying with us for a month and he came along. This other friend of mine whom I have started hanging around with only recently isn’t too much of a fan of rock music and sometimes I find it soooo strange cos amongst us Morisson is almost like a tradition and Friday nights are Mori nights. But the sweetheart that he is he comes only cos he knows how much I love this place. Strangely after S I had assumed that the men i’d like would have to like the same things I do cos S just does. We listen to the same music, the same songs, both love reading and adore Harry Potter and haunting the same places weekend after weekend. I know his likes and dislikes inside out and think he does too. Even the food we order we just know that what he doesn’t like I wouldn’t like too and vice versa. And no he is my best friend that’s all hahah! But Funny Boy, as I am gonna christen this new addition in my life, ( though I have no idea how long he intends to be around) doesn’t like half the things I do. I wouldn’t listen to the hindi chammiyyan music that plays in his car unless it is the radio and I have nothing else to listen to. He doesn’t read half as much as I do. He isn’t a lawyer but a B school product and is someone I knew years back and suddenly we seem to have hit it off. But yeah we have the Pune connection and the same army background and most importantly he makes me laugh like no one has in a long long time. He thinks I am very different from the women he is used to being around with cos I use words he doesn’t understand and he has to bang his head on the wall to do so hahaha! But he takes care of me when we are out together and we have so much fun getting out in the middle from Mori and drinking in the car and going back upstairs all drunk and everybody is left wondering what happened to the both of them. He drives down all the way from Gurgaon at 1 at night cos I wanna meet him and calls me 20 times a day. Apparently I am not the ice queen I thought I had become and I really do not need as much space I think I needed. I know all this is momentary and probably frivolous. But after a longtime I don’t mind getting out of my comfort zone and doing silly stuff like messaging all day or good night calls just before we hit the bed. Well well well I have been forbidden to walk down the same path again by my friends and this time I am not gonna fade into the background and put my feelings on the backburner. This time I am gonna say exactly what I feel cos really sometimes when you feel something as strongly as I did, one should just say it or you’ll be left with a regret that you didn’t say what you felt when you should have. I had thought I would always have that regret with S but I did the unthinkable the other day as I realised that life is changing and if I don’t put a closure to that I’ll never be able to move on completely. I am feeling so much at ease with myself and that burden of being the silent and unrequited lover has gone. I have no idea where these new developments with Funny Boy will take me cause the circumstances are frighteningly identical to what I had with S hahaha!But really will life just keep on giving me the same old trash? Someday its gonna come up with some magic too. Till then adios!!!!!!

"Mmmmmagic
You can have anything that you desire"

Going, going, gone

I know I am lonely, so bloody lonely these days. Especially when roomie went home and that one weekend when S didn’t turn up for whatever reason and even if I had something to do each night I still felt the way I did. I am much much better now. I don’t get up in the morning with a yuck feeling coming right from the pit of my stomach. I don’t wait expectantly every time the phone rings. I don’t feel dejected when I open my mail box and there isn’t any mail inviting me for a job interview. I have accepted the inevitable. No this isn’t some rocky phase in my life. It has been way worse before I think. I don’t know what this is at all for that matter. Seems like everything has come to a standstill. It doesn’t move on. It just doesn’t move on. I keep waiting for something to change, something to gimme an inkling of what future has in store for me but to no avail. I am surrounded with people thankfully but then why do I feel lonely still. These aren’t strangers. These are people I have been living with for a year and people who have known me for almost 7 years now. Some of them have seen me grow up and stood by me through one of the worst phases in my life, when I thought I couldn’t go on , when I hit rock bottom and when everything fell apart. This is different now. I am older now so handle things better. I goof up once in a while but manage getting out almost unscathed. At least I hope I do. I don’t appear to be as morose as I use to but hell I think I am way more indifferent now. I am colder and sometimes I feel I am insensitive to people who don’t wanna do something in their life. Not that I have been some go getter forever but how can people just sit around not doing anything about being stuck in a rut but just cribbing. Think I did that myself until I woke up the other day realising how big a fool I have been and tis time to move on from this plastic bubble. It is never gonna be how I want it to be. I am sick of being confused about what to do and how to go about it. So I am just gonna choose one path and follow that blindly or else I swear I am gonna be stuck right at the beginning of this rat race wondering how is my life gonna shape up to be.
I wish this was easy. I wish this was some something that had been planned from before. I wish I didn’t want everything at one go. I wish I had clear vision of how this will turn out to be eventually. I wish there weren’t any temptations to distract me. I wish I didn’t have as many vices that I do. I wish I could leave all of this and go away and not look back even once with any regret. I wish I didn’t have any “what ifs” in my mind. I wish I was all happy happy and did not feel the way I do. I am so glad that in some ways someone sitting thousands of miles away has started making a difference to me. I hope I make a difference too. I hope I make it. I’ve dreamt for so long, I have gotten lost for too long too. Confusion seems to be overpowering everything else. But there will be a way out, there will be light. They say its the big picture that shall finally prevail. Why the hell cannot I see the big picture now? Why can’t these higgledy piggledy pieces of jigsaw puzzle fit in perfectly into one complete beautiful picture? Why can’t I plan this out with someone who is gonna walk by my side? I don’t wake up anymore with questions in my mind where someone is concerned. I don’t care any more. There ain’t gonna be any answers ever. I don’t wanna know whats going on in your head, really I don’t. Its empty and barren up there. It was all in my mind. I made it all up. Darn I know I did. My goals seem nearer now though impossible. I never again wanna settle for something that is lesser than what I can be. I don’t even know where I am going, but hell I think I am finally gonna be on my way......
“What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? Iit's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”
Jack Kerouac

Will you miss me when I'm looking for myself out there?

I am writing after almost a month. Doesn’t seem like it though. Seems only yesterday I had the waffle craving and damn a month actually flashed past by. What have I been up to? Hmmmmm looking for jobs desperately at times and sometimes when I give it all up and put my hands up in exasperation. I don’t know when it is gonna work out. They say it’ll happen when I least expect it. But isn’t it so hard to stop expecting? Really it is. I try to keep my expectations really really low but somehow they find their way back into my head and take over and voila’ before long they rule. They actually do.
Life has been bloody strange lately. I try and adopt a particular philosophy so as to maintain my peace and calm but alas I fail miserably and also surprise myself. I have been running away, running away from certain people in my life cos I don’t wanna face the barrage of questions. I have enough on my mind lately and I get into these crazy moods when I am all out to mess everything up and just walk away. But thankfully sanity prevails and I realise no that is no way to react. There is a right way. Sometimes the right way is the only way or you just turn your back and choose never to look at that path again.
Really if I do get that job and go away for good will it make a difference to the people in my life, people I am close to, people who mean the world to me, to whom I probably mean a bit of the world they exist in. There are times when I wonder whose name would Rad scream the first thing in the morning that she does as soon as she wakes up or whom would the Ice Queen give missed calls to just to gossip in the middle of her MBA classes or whom would She meet for coffee in the evening and rant about the love for her Boy or whom would Mona call just randomly every Sunday saying I am dropping over. And S? Would it make any difference if he didn’t have his buddy around on weekends to go out drinking and head banging, or just watch random movies or doing absolutely nothing at all together but lazing around and who’d make cold coffee for him in the mornings or just be there for him when he needs someone to talk to any time of the day? Who would he take care of when I am not around, who'd sing silly songs with him in the car for hours together? whom would he call 5 times a day? There ain’t gonna be no answers and well nobody is indispensable.
I know I’d miss them so so much. I’d miss each one of them in different ways. But I have to find myself and I do want that journey to begin soon.
“The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!”

Do you feel like a waffle?

I have been eating entirely too much lately. I am so guilty, I am so guilty I am so guilty. I am soooo sure that the weighing scales will be on a rise very soon. But then what in God’s name am I supposed to do if the weather is conducive to food, food and only food. I mean I cannot help but look forward to having hot parathas in the morning before going of for work. I love those parathas made in desi ghee. Yum Yum! On a cold chilly morning parathas are the only incentive that make me get up from my warm and cosy bed and take a shower cos the thought of them keeps me going. Lunch is an ordinary affair. But dinner often turns out to be a treat when I get to feast on some succulent food. Like the other day I got off work and was wondering what to do cos tis being a Saturday I really did not feel like heading home early. She and her boy asked me to meet them at Stone in Def Col. Now to be honest I really cannot afford to be shelling out 1500 to 2000 bucks on a meal since I am running on a tight budget. However some of my closest friends spoil me rotten especially She, her boy and Mona. I am their personal property as they have known me for close to three quarters of a decade now and She and I lived together in Pune for almost 5 years. We have seen real penury when we had nothing but 30 bucks in our pockets and hunger gnawing our stomachs and have had to make do with Maggi and Vada pav’s or Idli Sambar and the likes of it. I remember having to walk in unbearable heat through this particularly sunny stretch of road to reach to our chosen lunch destination and the walk was agonising as She and I cribbed and whined and cursed our luck for having decided to study in this blasted city. We have come a long long way. That calls for a whole new post actually. It is so strange when She and I sit across each other in classy restaurants that we couldn’t have dreamt of all those years back. Hopefully someday soon I’ll be able to do so too and take her out.
Anyways so I reached Stone with She and Boy met us there. Now out of sheer habit before ordering anything I tend to look at the right hand side for the prices. Boy asked me if I wanted to have wine and I politely said no knowing quite well that I really am in no position to be indulging myself only to be bombarded by him for always looking at the prices first and that I can have whatever I want. So there I was sipping Roze and mind you it was French wine and not an Indian make that I generally have. I was so happy and content. We had grilled prawns and I got to have prawn cocktail. Ane no it isn’t a drink. Anyone who even remotely likes sea food will know that it’s more like a prawn salad in mayonnaise. It is served in a tall stemmed glass and maybe that why it’s called a cocktail. By the time the night got a little older I was mellow with the wine and all the prawns I had feasted on. On my way home I was looking for ways and means to get out of this movie scene my roomie had made and I found the perfect excuse. I messaged her saying how happy and drunk I was and how much I loweeeee her. Heheh! Mind you tis loweeee not love ;). She called back saying “Woman now how much wine have you had?” I had had only 4 glasses but I said “8 Glasses”.
“Okie you are obviously ain’t in a state to sit through “American Gangster.”
“No I am not and I giggled.”So me reached home and hit the bed. I went to sleep looking at this stoopid wall paper I have made of two pics of S and mine. We are wearing Santa hats and looking like a pair of fools. I was listening to this song called “Brighter than Sunshine” as I fell asleep looking forward to a fun Sunday. Sunday morning I went half the way across town to wake S up cos his royal highness had to give his car for servicing to some Maruti Service station in an obscure part of Gurgaon. Now which man waits for someone to come from 30 kms away to wake him up? Welcome to S’s world. The lazy bum that he is he refused to get up until I shook him up saying “Hullo I am here. Get up!” I think the funniest part in the day were the cycle rickshaw rides from the service station to the malls. He didn’t lemme smoke on the rickshaw cos he said this wasn’t Delhi and people would get scandalised. We merrily went around singing songs, trying to recognise buildings and bitching about how our college use to feel more like a corporate office and how the MDI building reminded him of Mayo and how much he’d love to stay in such a pretty place. I fell in love with the red brick buildings . I made him sit through this utterly macabre movie called “Touristas” which grossed me out at the end of it and I left him in the theatre to take a breather from the blood and gore. He said he’ll never ever let me choose the movie again hahaha! The most amusing conclusion he and I came to was on Saturday after a crazy night of partying when he said in a very matter of fact tone “Dude you know what! I think we guys drink more than normal people do.
”Food for thought indeed. ;-)
I feel like a waffle.The kinds they serve freshly baked straight from the oven, with the maple syrup and sprinkled with fresh strawberries. I feel like going to Big Chill and having one right now. Anybody game for a waffle?

Will you walk with me in my life?

I just read this beautiful poem by Emily Dickinson. Reminded me of my goals and to be honest I never lost track of them ever. I was never the child who did not know what she wanted to be or the confused teenager wondering what she should take up in High School. I was so clear cut on what I have to do, how to go about it. However yes on the way there have been times I have got so carried away with superficialities that seemed magnanimous during those phases. But some event or the other would happen and I would be jolted back to reality even if I wasn’t willingly inclined to. There I was the 14 year old who almost flunked 9th Grade cos she jus refused to study sciences which she hated from the bottom of her heart. I hated Biology and Chemistry with a passion that is hard to understand. I was such a dunce at Math that I’d practice like a maniac for months but the day of the exam my nervousness would overpower me and I’d mess up the paper. Yeah but the almost flunking bit made me realise I really cannot get away not studying certain subjects that I don’t love and excelling in History, Geography and English won’t suffice. Sometimes in life we have to do something even if it repulses us in order to do something we love later. We cannot do it for the sake of doing cos then it just ain’t enough and maybe doing something we don’t like happily does teach us lessons. Seems it has been 10 years but some things still have to be driven into me. My new job ain’t happening right now. I cannot leave this place as gleefully I thought I would. I have to stick around and maybe I have to do that willingly and happily cos I don’t see any other road in sight. Surprisingly it doesn’t seem to be as horrible as I made it out to be for months and months. I am learning , I am bloody learning lessons. I don’t feel that much at sea anymore. I don’t envy the rest as much as I use to when they start off with their High Court gossip or talking about the latest stance taken by the Bar Council or the scandalizing judgement passed by so and so judge in the High Court. Thats not my world even if I would love to be a part of it and no I am not willing to wait for too long cos I know I love something way way more.

Yesterday was a lovely Sunday after a quiet Saturday. Actually tis wasn’t quiet cos we had a bonfire at home and a charming bunch of comfortably noisy people came over. For a change I did not drink since on Friday I drank too too much and just sulked and sulked in one corner of Morisson and ended up being rude to the two of my most precious people in this city. Saturday I went off alcohol and it was pleasant. We sat all around the fire, chatting, laughing making the silliest jokes on each other, dancing on “Honth raseelay” and baking jacket potatoes while cursing the cold all in perfect harmony. The jacket potatoes were delicious with butter, lime juice and salt. Damn it just so happened that most of the logs had rested themselves on the potatoes and every time we tried taking one out, the logs would get dislodged and come plonking down spreading ash and sparks all over. I slept off at 3 in the morning and later in the day heard stories about how the wood got over and Roomie was contemplating whether to break one of the living room side tables and use it for the fire. Nothing surprises me anymore. They did eventually use an old worn out table lying on the terrace. Amen!


Sunday was fun. I woke up all cheerful in the morning. Had to meet a friend for coffee and my day was perfectly planned out. Roomie was fast asleep exhausted after her looney antics till wee hours of the morning. I was about to go for a shower when phone rang and it was the last person I expected and yes S called up after my rude behaviour on Saturday. I was relieved more than anything else cos many a time I feel he does know but chooses to ignore and once in a while I goof up and I don’t want him to walk away. Lemme walk away one time and see if I did leave an impression in his life. Anyways he’d called to say he was coming over and to order food for him and asking me if I wanted something to drink. We were listening to random songs and discussing Sinatra when I had to leave for a bit. I met up with someone for coffee and all I can say is tis was refreshingly different. I come back home and those two nuts are immersed in monopoly and S beat Raddy hollow while she cribbed and whined. She came over with her boy and then Mona joined too and it was a cosy gathering around our wannabe fireplace and discussions ranged from ridiculous punjabbi jokes to compulsory enlisting in the Indian Army ,the American Elections (Obama or Hilary) and Israel and Palestine. I love politics, I so love reading and discussing the intricacies, the turmoil and all the conflicts. If I don’t do something about this now I’ll always have regrets.
I know one day I’ll walk away. I won’t look back. I’ll walk away cos some things have to be done and I do deserve to do what I love. Everybody will move on. S will go on with his life. I’ll be someone he met along the way and walked with for a little while. Maybe I would have that coveted job I so pine for and maybe I would finally have that one degree I dream of all the time. I’ll be fine, wherever I am I shall be alright. I know myself. Sometimes we are meant to walk alone. Yeah just walk alone........

P.S :- Someone called me a cute drunk after being woken up by me at an unearthly hour . I so hate these drunken dials.

A random note, a lost file, and hope lost and found

I wrote this amidst an arbitration meeting where I was supposed to be listening attentively to what the opposite party's arguing counsel was pleading and I was also asked to make exhaustive notes but alas this is what I sat and wrote. Sigh! I'll never change maybe.

"I realised today and I think I have been feeling this particular way that more than anything in today's day I want to learn the ropes, wanna be able to master my profession , wanna learn the law, be passionate about it. I want to be happy with what I do, I wanna love my means of living. No I do not want my work to define all that I stand for today but I defintely want it to play a more significant and proactive role in shaping em as an individual. I want to be able to talk about what I do as a living as spontaneously and proudly as I see others around me do so. I don't do that at all ever. I want to evolve as a person into someone who is very calm and at peace with herself and her life. I don't want to be this cauldron of emotions. I hate being so. Seems however calm and collected I appear to be on top it is very different within me. My mind is always racing ahead, way ahead. Wish I could put a rein on to it. I would be so much more in control then.
I don't want my life to centre around another person and my moods to be ruled by the comings and goings of that person. I want to be happy happy, have fun and embrace all that life has to offer. I don't live in a fool's paradise and I think I give myself enough reality checks to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground. But sometimes I do hope, even if I try not want the unattainable and even if I almost succeed in convincing myself that somethings shall never be but I don't know from where but hope creeps in. But then we can't live without hope can we, faith is what keeps us going, waiting, watching , hoping , wanting are words very close to my heart that all of us could relate to these emotions. Thats me, a large part of me I guess."
Well could you imagine writing all that down when I was supposed to be doing something entirely different. 2008 started on a strange note for me. I generally don't like to give too much importance to NEW YEAR. I'd just be disappointed later if things did not go my way. Anyways the last day of the year was entirely too melodramatic for me. I cried too much, felt miserable about myself and before I knew it this year ended on such a bad note for me. But then someone told me that "even if things get messed up for you they'll turn out alright ultimately". Wonder of wonders I did find that file when I least expected it, when I'd given up all hope. Life's like that. Isn't it?

Aubade

Being in love with you
Is to abandon the piano:
It is to take up the castanets,
The bugle,
The kettle drum.

It is to sleep naked, with all the doors and windows open,
Fearing nothing.

Being in love with you means many days I am so happy
I can barely feed myself:
I laugh or weep or both and set aside the fork.

It means I wake one morning feeling
Such warmth rising inside me
That I am suddenly confident
All snow would melt
Within my steady gaze;
And I dress quickly
To test this
On the crisp, DecemberLandscape.

Being in love with you further means the rhododendrons
Are in bloom, the mongoose
Is mating, the moon is full and the wind strong
Along the western ghats of South India.

Being in love with you sings arias
In my head, hums loudly
In my bones.
It beats the drum.

Some complain that being in love with you is merely an airtight ferocity,
Or a kind of rococo piety,
But we proclaim it
This Resplendent Helmet,
A radical and luminous sobriety.

Being in love with you is crucial.
Everything depends upon it.
In summer, being in love with you is red, raw and delicious.
In winter it is blue, lucent, and shimmers when touched.

Being in love with you is to forget
For a moment the use of fruit:
It is to stare long at the splendour
Of a green pear
On a white porcelain plate.

Being in love with you is old as Laughing Buddha,
And as fat.

Being in love with you is only now,
Cannot be remembered
Or imagined.

Being in love with you is to notice the basic radiance of all things,
And is thus a simple, unarmed, fundamental bathing.

Being in love with you is as well, a small well-kept apartment
In the middle of busy Kyoto,
Where, with great contentment,
A young couple sit
At a low table
Eating their evening meal
Of sweet hijiki
On beds of warm rice,
The silence broken only
By faint, almost musical
Clinks of chopsticks
Upon the oval bowls.

Being in love with you for even one second
Is enough. The big picture changes.
(When the honey jar is opened,the whole kitchen is instantly sticky.)

Being in love with you is a deep thirst,
An undermining hunger.
It is a desperation like that of a barn swallow caught
In a kitchen mousetrap,
Dragging itself with his wings
And one good leg
Towards the dog-door,
His only hope.

Being in love with you is ludicrous and cannot be explained.
Being in love with you sneaks up on me from behind.
It is a kind of ambush.
Or worse, it is an avalanche
In which I am tumbled furiously
For a time, then stopped cold
In whatever absurd position the snow
Finds me - perhaps only a hat
Or a handVisible to the outside world.

Being in love with you sits on my doorstep
And weeps. It calls pathetically
To be let in the house, rants
About my neglectfulness. I runTo open the door but - when I touch
The doorknob - feel a tap
On my shoulder, turn around
And it is there,
Smiling it galling
Cheshire smile.

It is the holy guardian of archways, the faithful steward of
All tunnels and bridges.

It is alpine and religious, naked and fierce.
It is the kiss of candour, and the cherished cup.
It is "the low down" and "the real dope".

Being in love with you is to dream, at least once, that you live inside me
Like a mysterious Spanish town at twilight: you are the red dirt roadThat winds into town;
You are the squat houses with lamps lit and drapes half-drawn;
On the horizon, you are sunset's silent fire;
You, bouncing are the green and orange swirled ball that children run after
Laughing in the street - and on the porch, the old man, head in hands,
Watching;
You are the young lovers in the town square at nightfall, the moon's play of
Light and shadow on their faces, you are their lips, their kiss;
And yet you are also the several dead drunk matadors, drapedover chairs,
Spread-eagled over the hotel bed;
And you, too, are the town idiot on the tavern roof, dancing a pot bellied
Belly-dance to the slender crescent moon;
And at the farthest edge of town, you yourself are the yelled-at mule, who
Will not budge.

In spring, being in love with you is green, resilient, and sways to the rhythms of wind.
In autumn, it is pale gold and fills the sky.

Being in love with you is centripetal.

Moreover, it choreographs
And christens.
It cradles and cherishes, yet
Confiscates as much as it confers.
It clobbers and clocks, then cloisters - but only to clarify
And cleanse.
It seems to cathart then catnap, but later celebrates
And celestializes.
It cultivates and cumulates until it is continual combustion.
Or, saying the same, is a kind of ever spontaneous consecration.
It cures and cushions,
Compels and completes.
If threatened with congealing, it may creep
Aside, churn and circulate,
Conspiring to colour the cosmos.

Being in love with you is centrifugal.

It is hard to believe
Being in love with you
Was once
That tiny space
In my heart
That has since exploded
Into a vast cathedral
Of sky
Under which I stand alone,
Looking up.

It is raining cats and dogs.
I am drenched.
Being in love with you has soaked me
To the bone
And I will never again
Be dry.
- Michael Londry

One of my favouritest poems. Isn't it exquisite? Kaleidoscopic love heheh!

I don't know where I stand with you and I don't know what I mean to you all I know is everytime I think of you all I wanna do is to be with you.

I woke up this morning.....

Last day of the year and I couldn’t have had a more harrowing day. The last couple of days have been like some bumpy ride. I don’t even know why my eyes fill up with tears so very easily. Anyways guess what the icing on the cake is this momentous day? Well I left this really important file in a rick on Saturday and I haven’t been able to trace the guy as yet and now my job is in jeopardy. I can’t believe this is actually happening to me. All morning I have been at the auto stand outside my office trying to figure out who the guy was who dropped me off the N Block market on Saturday and in the process I am like firm friends with all the auto wallahs and I have to say that some of them are soooooo helpful. God bless them but I so want that file. Seems my life has been split into two parts, the life that was before I lost the file and the life that is threatening to take shape after I lost the file. I don’t know what to do. I am tired of crying, I am tired of sitting outside and talking on the phone to Shivi and my Mum. I am so tired of not being at my seat and the funny glances my boss keeps giving he. He knows I am acting strange but won’t say so. I don’t know how to tell him that the file is gone. I might have to give in my resignation letter a couple of days later and the aftermath of all this isn’t a pretty picture. I am sooooo scared. I don’t know why everything has to come tumbling down all at once. I don’t wanna crib, I don’t wanna sound like some drama queen.
Plus to top it all people I had forgotten make an appearance in my life. People who don’t matter at all. I have had the most random people calling me up last couple of days but the one person whose call I am waiting for hasn’t called. The one person who matters the most is clueless about this upheaval I am going through. I am stubborn too. I don’t like fair weather friends.I removed that lovely Christmassy Picture of ours from my desktop. We look so happyyyyy! I wonder what lesson god is trying to teach me this time. I was trying to comprehend what exactly is gonna come out of me loosing my job in such an ugly fashion. I mean really this is no way to exit. I know I don’t like my job, I know right now my finances are so so screwed that if I worry too much about it I’ll get into depression. But hell I don’t deserve this. Okie I think I have increasingly begun to sound like some cantankerous old maid. But no I am not like that. I am a lot of fun and naughtiness too. Last night I’d gone to a friends place for drinks. I hadn’t wanted to go initially cos the last time we’d met I was quite rude to him but gentleman that T is he invited me over. I have mentioned T in an old old post. He is Mister Hazel Eyes in my story titled The Mask.But yeah facts get blurred with fiction so don't know where I drew the line.We met the first time when P was leaving for UK and we’ve been friends since. T in someways is quite different from the guys I know. He is bloody well read, knows his history like the back of his hands, corrects my pronunciations, uses really interesting words and phrases like “et tu Brutus” and listens to me when I discuss poetry with him.

They don’t make too many men like this anymore hahaha! So there I was at his place with a bunch of people I don’t know and yeah all of them were from Mayo College. A was in town and I knew A in college and A and T were best friends in school so thats why the get together. I surprisingly had a nice time. I drank 3 glasses of white wine( Grover’s Vineyard) and it was way better than the Sula and Riviera I’d have. I met interesting people from colourful backgrounds. Met a lad who has just joined the same battalion my Dad was in and I was so gleeful when he said 3/8 GR. Had a conversation with this cute man who studied art history in Scotland. He was an army brat too. Bumped into an old friend and bonded over Pune times and T was kinda sweet and so hospitable. By the end of the evening I was happy high and all the women had left and I was the only one left. T was very affectionate despite me giving him the cold shoulder the last time we met. Yeah he had been so cheeky the last couple of times on G talk though. T would come hug me and kiss me on my head every now and then and I think I liked that. Damn how crazy am I! I was the last one to get dropped after we dropped young army boy to Dhaula Kuan and I insisted on Romeo and Juliet being played over and over again in the car while we got lost and drove aimlessly around while I had amusing conversations with T about how Radhi thinks he is too nice and why he never takes advantage of drunk women and why he thinks biting his ears ain’t that bad an idea.
I got up in the morning and the first thing on my mind was the file and yeah my mind cannot help think once in a while about T but then no I shall not do so. Oh god I hope I get that file. Damn I don’t wanna go anywhere tonite especially farmhouse parties. I am sure I shall freeze. Byeeee people. Thanks for bearing with this whimsical blogger who tries to make sense out of all the nonsense.See you on the other side of 2008 ! Happy Happy New Year!

Things I'll Never Say

I wonder how I'd think of us. I see us in everything even if tis been just a fraction of a liftime . Stooooopiidddd me,silly you, foolish us. Everytime they'd play our song be it "Dream On" or "That Thing You Do" the first glance would always be at you. Naaa I was wrong when I said I don't believe in fairytales, I do believe in them but I am scared of the endings, bloody scared of them. I believe in serendipity too but I don't seem to want to trust destiny. No I do not want to sound like some female chick lit writer hehehe! These days I think I am sounding like one increasingly. But seriously I do not want to be some cynical pessimistic woman who doesn't believe in magic. Wish I could be the happy me all the time. I'd love to capture it all in a plastic bubble and stay in it forever. Shielded from the world,oblivious to all the pain. Thats Utopia isn't it? I am too dreamy. These desires and castles in the air will someday bring the end of me hehehe!

Okie I am in Chennai now on a holiday with Mum, sis, uncle, aunt and cousin and it hasn't been as much fun as I thought it would be cos my cousin had to fall sick just the day after he landed from the US. Apparently the change in temperature hit him too badly. Well I would understand the difference between -25 and +25 degree celsius. So all I seem to be doing is listening to music, surfing the net and sneaking up to the terrace and smoking and yeah Mum has no idea and I do feel guilty but hell I have my own vices. They have this huge terrace and you could climb higher by getting up on the roof and last night I was having a smoke and happend to look at the moon and it was breathtaking, full moon and the moonlight was indeed playing tricks in my mind. The world surely seems enchanted in moonlight. I have too many memories of this terrace and the moon. I didn't wanna think of the past and how it had been, how it all crumbled down. I came back to my room. I don't give myself that luxury anymore. I try not to. Very hard to keep so much at bay. How do I trust people again? The closest people turn their back to you. I hate my gut feelings sometimes. I pray to god then asking him to take these nasty feelings from the middle of my stomach away.

Wished Libby Merry Christmas today. I miss her so much sometimes. Been hanging aound with Shivi and tis lovely. Keep reminscing the old times, our crazy Pondy Trip. Two of us went all the way to Pondicherry in a rickety old bus, just to chill and have fun all by ourselves. I remember drinking in those quaint french restaurants and walking down the road by the narrow beach, the white sands and the blue blue sea, brilliant shades of blue, turquoise and azure. Almost felt like a hippie after a long time. Sigh! The drudgery of routine life. Gotta get back again, yet again only to escape again.....

"Guess I am wishing my life away
Saying these things I'll never say"

Life or something like it.......

Is 24 really really old people? Mum makes me feel so sometimes. I mean why are we in hurry to marry me off. This has been the on going debate in my life with Mum and Dad these days. For christ’s sake I don’t wanna get married right now. I don’t even feel 24 to be honest about it. Sometimes when I am irritated I feel like a whiny 13 year old, when I am in a naughty mood me feels 8 again, when I feel the love filling me up I am all of 16 and most of the time I am almost 18 and there are instances or moments rather periods when I know I am way older than a lot of people around me. So how could you explain that? Why does marriage have to so high in my parents priority list. No I definitely do not wanna die an old maid, I mean come on who does? All those women who say so and pass statements like “Please I love my singledom and I don’t need anybody” are well living in denial and no I am not one of them. Yeah I do love living alone, been doing it for so long that this right now seems to be the only way of living. But that doesn’t mean I don’t crave for that companion, that friend, philosopher and guide. Okie these words sound too profound maybe. Actually I just want a friend and no I don’t think he’d be on shaadi.com or bharatmatrimony.com. Really strange how I keep hearing news about somebody or the other getting hitched day after day and I am like another one bites the dust. Then I bump into people on the social networking sites and they have all these happy pictures put up and you wonder “damn so does happily ever after actually exist?”. What happens after all these happy happy pictures are taken? What happens after you actually walk into the sunset with your prince? What if there isn’t a prince waiting for you somewhere? For people like me as each day progresses and we go about our lives living happily and moping around once in a while about being alone marriage is a scary word. I mean you know you want it eventually but not right now. I cannot imagine being saddled along with someone just for the sake of it. I am not anti marriage, I am not anti arranged marriages too. Some of the happiest couples I see didn’t know each other until mommy and daddy decided to take matters in their hands.

But hell I haven’t accepted the fact that I won’t meet someone the way I’d love to in this pathway of life. But realization does strike me sometimes that guess its not always like the movies. I guess sometime I would have to settle for the inevitable arranged marriage but now even the thought of meeting someone my parents ask me to gives me the creeps. They’d get some highly educated geek, with a thousand degrees and I would have to judge him based on a few meetings. If not few meetings then phone calls and chatting. It is like some deal which we enter into knowing fully well what the pros and cons can be. On second thoughts isn’t everything a deal? When I was younger and foolish I nursed these notions on how my dream guy should be. I wanted him to be well read, look kinda nice, intellectual till a certain extent and darn the list could go on and on. But in today’s day and age my notions have changed drastically. I just wanna be with someone who I could be the bestest friends with. Yup if you cannot be my best friend then hell I can’t be with you. Ofcourse he should be doing well for himself and decent family background and yadda yadda yadda! Isn’t that understood? Obviously I gave 5 very long years of my to that degree and I wanna study more. I wouldn’t be able to connect with just any village idiot. This one time I was so fixated with this amazing man who someways made me want more out of life, he was such a go getter, still is, dreams so big. I didn’t know him for too long, just a very short period of time in my life but I loved his drive, the tenacity that he is the best and is gonna get exactly where he wants to in life. He is still the same but in another world. But that was just a passing fancy I think or I just made myself believe something that wasn’t there. Today its different I guess. Never thought I’d say this but think we end up connecting with the last people we ever thought we would. Life is such an irony and with every single day I realize it a little more. The twists and turns astound me. I never know what is in store. Sometimes drunken prayers come true. Damn they do and you don’t know what hit you. Sometimes living in denial is the only way to live cos reality scares the living daylights out of you. Sometimes we should count our blessings and the loving people around you cos that’s the only thing which keeps me going. Sometimes the goofiest of people come out with the most classic retorts and you are left with your mouth wide open. I know I am not making too much sense. But then I seldom seem to make sense on my blog. And sometimes you get more than you thought you would and you are left with a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Like a B-52 shot. Hahaha!

Mum keeps telling me how there must be somebody so perfect for me somewhere and maybe he is on shaadi or jeevansathi.com and yeah right I should be the President of United States. No Mum there ain’t anybody perfect out there. I don’t believe in fairytales anymore, I don’t believe in soul mates too. I don’t believe in serendipity. I don’t even know much about happily ever afters and all the cliché Mum. I just don’t and no I am not a love sick looney Mum. Think you know me more than that. I know I pine for something that seems to be impossible right now and I feel sad that I cannot talk about it to you. For the first time in my life I cannot and it hurts. I wonder if you can sense it in my voice. Weren’t you my bestest and oldest friend? Then why would ya want me to compromise. Its never about perfection. Nothing is perfect ever Mum, not the sunshine, not the the raindrops, or the falling autumn leaves, not the snowflakes or even a beautiful sunny day. Sometimes it feels so right but is soooooo wrong and maybe some of us are just meant to love the wrong people and die.

A windmill that my mind seems to be....

Well I haven't put up a new post for more than 10 days now and I just realised that I haven't been writing anyone of my random stories for a little while now. I wonder how one time I could churn out one story after another and now I just cannot stop raving and ranting about the happenings in my life. Am I loosing the ability to create, imagine and spin my tales? Not that I was some out of the ordinary story teller and to be frank most of the pieces I had written were a reflection of my life, passing times, the wonderful and not so wonderful people I have had the good fortune or bad fortune to bump into and have in my life. In retrospect certain people I choose to write about have no idea that they had been written about or are being written about. I remember this conversation with Daddy Long Legs once on the phone when he’d said almost wistfully “Who would ever blog about me?” I chuckled and said “You never know.” I think he finally did read my blog but wouldn’t have read my old old posts to comprehend that I had actually written one whole silly almost poem on him.
What I marvel at the most is passing times and the changing abilities of people to affect you so much, affect every part of your life and “wooohooooooooo” swish of a wand and “abracadabra” and it has all changed, a different season, different times and I look back all dazed with wonderment asking myself did that ever happen, was that me, the me that is today, same old me. It is like I keep moving on and on and on and some people I always hold on to cos they are my anchors and I meet some beautiful people on the way that have driven home the belief that you are never too old to make new friends, to connect at unimaginable levels. It is bizarre really but aren’t we glad for surprises like this. I love surprises, blissful ones when I am taken unawares, when the last thing on your mind takes shape out of nowhere. Seems like God up there insists on astonishing me every once in a while, every time I give up hope, every time I am down and out and noooooo it is never gonna be perfect ever. I won’t have that perfect job the kind I’d be content doing every single day of my life too soon, or find the one love, the kinds I’ve been pining and craving for, tomorrow or have that perfectly sculpted body I have envied in other women, at the blink of an eyelid. It is gonna be a quest, has been a quest. I stumble, make silly mistakes, get blasted at work, become disillusioned, hate the world, hate everybody who has a job they love. I sometimes so hate happy couples and I am fascinated by what keeps them together, I cry, I whine, I drink too much and get oh so very sentimental, cry some more and get up miserable and guilty in the morning. I hate my body too on occasions, hate the sight of it in the mirror, feel my butt looks too big, I eat one piece of chocolate or 2 spoons of rice and get nightmares about becoming almost fat again. I pray to god then to give me some sanity and not be the emotional and nervous wreck I become sometimes.

So I get up in the mornings and tell myself no I am gonna give 100% to my job even if I hate it so what. I am not a shirker or a coward, if I have to learn the hard way then be it. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel right! When I feel despondent about S that teeny meeny little fairy inside me , the one who shows her face rarely whispers in my ears asking me to let him be and that what has to be will be and to cherish what he and I share now and dude believe me on days like this when I am content with wherever he and I are going are the days he calls up early in the morning just to say hi and laugh about the most ridiculous things with me. I went back to the gym the other day after 2 months. I had been jogging in this interim period and was dreading the prospect of checking out the weighing scales what my instructor would have to tell me. Hmmmmmm I have lost weight despite the random drinking binges. I was almost gleeful when I stepped on to the weighing scales. Yeayyyyyyyyyy! Maybe life isn’t as bad I make it out to be , maybe there is some magic at play somewhere . I’ll stumble and fall but get up again and hell I am learning, yes I am learning…….

I only have 5 minutes

Well well well I am supposed to be jotting down 5 minutes of my random thoughts and here I go. I can here the irritating ghati man from the accounts section screaming something about contracts and I hear the word "contracts" once again I swear I am gonna chuck my big black notebook on him. I am bloody bloody thirsty and dehydrated. Yeah I over did it last night. I was 11 down when I finally went home. We had an excessively emotional drinking session. Darn both of us cried, laughed, bitched to our heart's content heheeh! Oh my god I just remembered that drive we went for on the Greater Noida toll road and the blast of the icy wind on my face and the fog. It was bloody scary. I wonder how Rad drove the car through the dense fog and yeah I think she played "Dream On" to get some life into me who was on the throes of passing out. I got up this morning and as usal I did not feel like coming for work. But then I knew I'd would feel awful later if I wasted the day so here I am and its only 2.30 PM in the afternoon. Oh call me silly but I was checking out S and his girl's picture on facebook and dude I felt sooooooooooo miserable. All it takes is a glimpse of that picture and I can feel the prick of tears in my eyes. Enough of the sentimental me. Libby is having her first chemotherapy session today. I pray it goes fine. Love yaaaa woman. S came home the other day.He wanted to spend time with Libby before she left and she was so touched. Everytime I tell her "Darn he doesn't care, " She'd be like "Please he would never bother about me if you did not mean something to him." I've been reading "Istanbul" by orhan Pahmuk and it is beautiful. A little slow maybe but I love the descriptions of the various lanes and bylanes of the city, the little pictures he paints of his childhood and growing up years and the underlying sense of melancholy that has permeated that decadent city. Okie people I am done. I just realised that 5 mintues of randomness doesn't paint a pretty picture of me heheh!I sound like some drunkie, who is the founder member of the sop brigade and who cannot stop but mention S in every post. No more.

Someday we are gonna get so high.......

It was a chilly Tuesday evening last week when Libby and I were lying down on her bed and talking. I'd just come back from office and instead of sitting in the living room that we usually do we were in her dark bedroom sans any lights watching the shadows play tricks on the lone glass wall. She was about to start on her new job the coming Monday and was all excited about the new profile she'd got. I don't even remember what we were giggling about, or was it her customary lecture asking me to stop being so cynical about relationships or was I whining about S again to her? It could've been any one of those when all of a sudden she said "Pia think there is a lump in my breast." I said "What? Check properly. Maybe you are just imagining." A moment's pause and she said quietly" No it feels like a stone. I am not imagining." I had to agree finally because yup it did feel like a stone and it was huge.Radhi came home and we told her and she came to the same conclusion that there was something so not right in there. Radhi and I were adamant that Abby went to the gynacoelogist the next day but stubborn as Libby is she went into complete denial saying no she does not feel like it and we should let her be for a day etc etc.

Later that night I saw Libby reading up on breast cancer on the sly while trying to appear perfectly normal. I didn't utter a word. The next day too she did not mention a doctor until finally on Thursday Radhi managed to pull her to the gynaecologist. I was on the phone with them till they entered the doctor's chamber who advised them to get Libby's mammography and ultrasound report taken as it was clear that there was a lump in her breast but then the possibilities varied ranging from fibroids to fluids and the one word we did not want to hear cancer. Before long they headed to the pathology labs and within a couple hours they had got the reports. Radhi called me up and asked me to come home soon before she left for some sangeet ceremony. Sometimes I think whole of Delhi plans to have weddings the same day as it seems everybody I know has a some sangeet or mehendi or bhajan or bachelor party and the the penultimate great Indian punjabi shaadi to attend these days. Anyways I rushed home and as I turned my key and flung the door open I saw Libby with a tear streaked face as she tried to hide all and any traces of her tears. I walked in and hugged her tight. There was nothing to say really. Radhi was making chai and she asked me to help her with the cups and saucers and it was then when she said "Pia it is malignant. The radiologist confirmed that most likely it is stage 2 plus cancer.I haven't told Libby. We need to get a biopsy test taken as soon as possibly." Both of us were silent trying to come to terms with the fact that the ever smiling mother hen cum child woman Libby is probably afflicted with cancer. That evening at home was some scene right out of a movie and for the first time in my life as I spoke to myself I said noooo I don't want our lives to be right out of some make believe flick. We cried, laughed, smiled, tried to cheer her up, in the process cheer ourselves up. Radhi's whim again as she wanted to make tomato soup and now incidentally till a few weks back the mixer and the plug point were working perfectly fine in sync with each other. But that day the plug point would not work as Radhi tried to blanche the tomatoes so she used the plug point used for my TV. Well the outcome being there was hot tomato puree all over my dressing table, my TV, my new pink suit, Radhi was drenched in tomatoe puree and Libby who had been an innocent bystander got her stole bathed in those blanched tomatoes. We couldn't stop laughing. Atleast it made Libby smile.

The next few days were spent running around and trying to fit in office, court, doctors visits, blasting from irritating bosses, pathology labs and AIIMS everything at one go. Three of us just wanted to feel different. There was an air of gloom hanging around our happy abode. Libby wouldn’t sleep all night, Rad would get breathless and have panic attacks and I would get nightmares all night of death and cancer .Three of us got up each day looking like pale shadows of the people we were. I remember one day when I came home and both of them were sleeping and the house was dark, no music, not a sound coming. I went into my room and locked the door. I needed to get my mind off all this so even though I would not have done so on a normal day I called up S and spoke to him for precisely half a minute. He was like “What happened?” I said “Nothing just wanted to say Hi.” He giggled and said “Hi”. He was still in office. But that one “Hi” was enough for me.
However Libby composed herself too and took everything so well and in such a positive manner. They confirmed that it was cancer on Saturday and this woman has been so strong and has had a smile on her face almost continuously after that. Radhi and I felt so so much better after that. She planned her entire itinerary out as she has to go to a different city closer to home for her chemotherapy sessions. She told us laughingly about how hot she’d look after she comes back in a couple of months as she’d loose any excess weight she had and to top it all she’d be bald too. We’ve been talking and talking, she has burnt a couple of hundred songs on her lap top just so that she could listen to them and think of us and happy times, fun times, drunken times and even soppy times. One time when I called her up in the day to ask what she was up to she sends me a cocky message which said “Burning songs to make myself feel happy during the much awaited honeymoon in the hospital.”
Last night we spoke, exchanged some more stories, I told her my worst fears and she asked me not to worry. I believe her. She had her last drink too, shared her last smoke with me as she got ready for taking a long sabbatical from all these vices. I believe that she’ll be fine, some tiny little voice inside me tells that she will be all hale and hearty. It isn’t going to be easy but my Japanese Princess is a woman of substance and has immense strength and she’ll get over this and someday soon I’ll see her smiling face sitting on the corner sofa in the living room with the lap top , a beer bottle on the side table, giggling to herself as she chats with her many friends. As I type this down I dread the thought of going back to that empty house. I don’t remember the time how it was when she wasn’t staying with Radhi and me. But it shall get better. Life has so much more to it and the past one week has yet again made me realise that it is more important to count our blessings and thank god for giving us the people who love us in our lives than pining for those who did not bother to or chose not to.

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart..we'll always be with you.”

Ahem what a journey it could've been....

My Japanese Princess and I were supposed to go to this small town in Punjab last week as Radhi had lovingly invited us home for Diwali. Sadly on D Day as the countdown to leave had just begun Jap Princess went into one of those pensive and thoughtful moods of hers and came up with statements like “Pia I don’t know why but I get a feeling something is gonna go drastically wrong today.” Darn I am bloody scared of this woman and her intuitions cause as long as her predictions are happy and cheerful it is all hunky dory but when they sound as unfortunate as this then one cannot really help but dread what is in store for them. Besides both of us had not exactly warmed up to the idea of an overnight journey across Punjab in a bus so I was doubly worried and to top it all my darlin’ is the sort who hasn’t even been on a train all her life, let alone a local bus that would carry her right into the heartland of rural Punjab. Anyways I had to act like Miss Know It All who has been living out for the last 7 years and that too in a state like Maharashtra. I also told her how I had been used to travelling by the General Class from Pune to Bombay and not to forget the local trains there. I remember the chaotic train stations especially Dadar and how I would get carried away with the fisher women and the vegetable vendors as they jostled and made their way through to get off at Dadar. That city had some zest for life. I can almost miss it sometimes. There I go again. I am the Queen of Nostalgia. This isn’t about Bombay and I am not a naive 21 year old anymore.
Sorry for digressing and to come back to my story Jap Princess and I had finished packing when Teddy volunteered to drop us to the Bus Stop. We were more than happy to accept the offer as going all the way to the “Purani Dilli” railway station a day before Diwali can be a tiresome experience as we live half the way across the city in South Delhi. We were dreading the traffic as a day before Delhi roads had been choked what with Diwali and Dhanwantary I think the entire city was in a race against time to purchase gold and gifts. Thankfully we got out of GK2 and proceeded to Khelgaon Marg and finally hit Ring road and yeah yeah yeah it was worse than we imagined. It took us an hour and half just to cross a 5km stretch and this journey was interspersed with frantic calls to the Bus guy asking him to make the bus wait. Finally we reached the bus stop only to see the bus leave right in front of our eyes. We ran across all the muck and the mire and screamed, waved our arms wildly and voila’ they actually stopped. After a hurried good bye to Teddy, Jap Princess and I boarded the bus and what a sight greeted us. It was a sleeper bus firstly and I don’t know why but I had nursed the idea that it would be like the luxurious Bombay Pune Volvos. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There were strange men sleeping on the top berths casting sly glances at us and moreover two of our seats were occupied by 4 men and they were delighted to make room for us.
Japanese princess was half in tears as she looked at me and said “Pia I can’t travel like this.” I was so relieved that she said it first before I did cos the idea did not appeal to me anymore and the men looked really shady and there was almost something devious about the entire set up with the dim lights and faded blue interiors. The last straw was when this oily haired man sitting on one of the top berths said “Come baby why don’t ya sleep with me up here”. I snarled at him and turned around and told Jap princess “We are getting down” and so we did promptly enough. We called Teddy at the nick of the time and asked him to wait, called up Radhi and apologised profusely for not coming but travelling in that bus would have been like swimming in a sea full of sharks. Teddy was so cute and Radhi silly as she is blamed herself for getting such bad tickets for us. We lost our way as we took a cycle rickshaw to where Teddy’s car was parked and on the way some drunkard came and tried to pull Jap Princess’s bag from her and she screamed“Piaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. The Cycle Rickshaw driver pushed him away as he fell on the road given the inebriated state he was in. It was some adventure as we finally found Teddy and sat in the car. Both of us just wanted to go homeeeeeeeee. Mum called somewhere amidst all the hullaboo and I updated her on the eventful evening we’d had and instead of the sympathies I thought I would receive Mum was livid saying how could we ever think that two of us young women would travel across Punjab at night time minus any male escorts. Ahhhh well I have learnt my lesson. We came back home gleefully and three days were spent lazing around, going to card parties, shopping at Khan Market, catching up with my reading and thanking our lucky stars that we did not go ahead with the journey which might have been perilous heheh!
Alls well that ends well :).

Celebrate Light Celebrate Life

Heyyylllyooooo everybody! I wish all of you a Happy Happy Diwali. Let the lights shine and show you the way forever and ever. I have made a promise to myself this time, at least I shall try to. I shall not be pessimistic. I shall not delve in the darkness and thrive in self pity as I seem to be doing so often. I shall live life to the fullest, living life as if that is all there is. I am not gonna put my spirits down, I am gonna let it soar in the sky like it wants to. I shall not believe that dreams never come true. Maybe they do. Sometimes I feel the years go by so fast, wonder how I ever made it through. So many places, so many people, some mere faces, some etched in my memory eternally, some who find their way back time and time again and some who are still trying to tip toe their way into it or was I imagining?

To all the people we love at different time
In different ways the different lives lead
The lives we flee
The lives we dream
Hope all your dreams come true
And this time some of mine too.

WHAT IS BEHIND THAT MASK?

It was a masquerade party and the masks had to be bought. She wasn’t as excited she had been planning the party a week back. Life wasn’t as bright it had been a month ago. Was it a month really, just a month that she met him and now it was all over? But then was there a beginning ever or was she imagining it all? When they asked him how long had he known her he’d be surprised himself when he answered saying “a few weeks”. It did not feel like that, not at all. Sometimes he felt he had known her forever. Funny but they hadn’t exchanged more than a greeting all those years when they lead parallel lives so close to each other.
She had been taken aback when he had asked her to meet up for drinks on a Wednesday night but she went and came back all happy and giggly courtesy the three Bloody Mary’s . They hadn’t spoken as much but had just sat next to each other listening to the music in the pub and laughing every now and then. He’d clicked innumerable pictures that day of the both of them as they tried really hard to appear sober but failing miserably as their droopy eyes gave them away. She felt as if he couldn’t have enough of her as she tried really hard to fight those unwanted feelings away. He was taken, a long long time back. She met him too late and now he was Mira’s. Darn lucky woman she thought.
He’d been the one who’d started talking about him self as he spoke about his past, his family, his favourite cousins and even his childhood crushes. Where had he been all these years she thought. Time flew past by when she was with him, they spoke so much that often they wouldn’t be aware of the loud music being played as they exchanged story after story. One day he’d jokingly told her “Think we knew each other before. You are so bloody similar to what I am. “ She ‘d just smile and not say a word. She was happy, she hadn’t been this happy in years.
The most wonderful part about being with him was the laughter, they laughed a lot, both of them, they giggled and smiled, even when on the phone both of them would start their conversation on a fit of giggles and how could she ever forget all the music as they sang themselves hoarse in the car since it didn’t have a music system. It was pure sunshine after a rainy day. However at the back of her mind she always knew that Mira is coming back and that Mira was the closest to his heart. She’d ask god “Then who am I? Why do I feel the way I do?” His past was Mira’s , his future too was Mira’s then where did she fit in? They say live in the present and she did that.
Mira was back and she invited Mira too for the masquerade party. Mira was tiny with an elvish face and amazing zest for life. She loved the way Mira danced and the first time all of them met up after a while she became a silent spectator to the scene unfolding in front of her eyes. She bought masks for both of them that day when she went mask shopping. A pink and green for Mira and a yellow one for him as Mira had instructed her. Yeah how ironical this was a masquerade party and what better than a mask to hide all that she felt. But would these frivolous feathers be enough, what about the eyes, the eyes always gave her away. They filled up with her salty tears with such an ease.

The bell rang as the guests came in one by one, each wore beautiful masks in brilliant colours. He came too with Mira and she opened the door and greeted both of them warmly. “Where is my mask?” He whined like a little child. She handed him his mask. She was already wearing hers. It was a burnt orange one. He put his on as Mira was trying hard to fix hers. Mira looked like a little pixie with her mask as she clung on to him grinning, happiness radiating through her. She walked away, talking to the others, asking them if she could get them a drink, slowly she retrieved to the dark corner in the terrace . A lone tear glistened in her eyes as she looked up at the sky filled with stars. Another mask, the sky wore its gorgeous black velveteen mask sprinkled with stars. Maybe the sky too had much to hide from view of the world just like she did. “What is behind that mask?” somebody whispered softly behind in her ears. She turned around to find a masked stranger. She looked into his eyes, they were hazel in colour. It struck her then that two whole months spent with Neil but she didn’t know the colour of his eyes. She had never dared to look into them and he had never come that close. The fences had always been there, pristine white picket fences but she had chosen to be blind to them. Not anymore. Never again.

“So are you gonna tell me what is behind that mask or maybe I can see right through it.” Said the stranger. She chuckled as she was awaken silently from her reverie. He could see traces of her dimples as they the smile lit up her face , he could make out the cleft and the tiny mole under her lips. She smiled as she ripped the mask of her face .The mask was gone, lost somewhere in the darkness of the night.

Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! :)"

It is so not like me to be putting up more than a post a week but I feel this urge to capture these reflections on life and passing times. Yes last night as we sat in my living room and chatted, reminiscing old days, happy days, the crazy us that used to be, hilarious anecdotes spread generously over five years spent together, for a fraction of a moment I felt like framing this evening and freezing it in time forever and ever. It is lovely to have Fido Dido around. Its lovely to see S and Fido Dido together high fiving on some stupid, amusing joke or just plain listening to their repertoire of stories. Speaking of which I had to, just had to share this small funny episode about S’s tomfoolery. This one time S was escorting a US returned cousin of his around his farm in Jammu. They had just walked into the driveway as a herd of buffaloes crossed the road after their customary evening dip in the pond nearby. Both S and his cousin did not pay much attention to the buffaloes, as S was busy pointing out the landmarks when they came across this water body. S’s cousin got very excited and started jumping around saying “Oh my gosh you guys have a pool too in the farm. Nobody told me. Could I please go for a swim?” S nodded his head well knowing that this wasn’t any swimming pool but just a pond for the animals to laze around in the hot summer evenings and that the buffaloes they had passed by a few moments ago on the road had just spent a merry summer afternoon there in the very same waters. But then the funny bone that S has he let his cousin swim in those filthy waters. I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean where does he hatch all these ideas and if one meets him on a normal day one would feel how prim, proper and well mannered this man is hahaha!
Incidentally I spent two very monotonous hours at the airport yesterday waiting for Fido Dido’s flight to land. I tried calling up people to kill time but they politely said no to me saying they cannot entertain me in the middle of the afternoon. I was loitering around listening to music on the radio and all of a sudden this man started making idle conversation with me. I tried to convey real graciously that I really was in no frame of mind to indulge in such social niceties but he refused to take the hint. I would turn my face away and he would come up with questions like “Yeah the Spice Jet flight from Calcutta is really late. So are you a native of Delhi?” I’d nod and look to the other side. Finally he asks me “ Aap yahan studies karti hain kya? ( Are you are studying over here?) I shook my head. “ Koi company mein kaam karti hain kya?” ( So you working in some company?) All this while I hadn’t bothered looking at his face and replying but this question was the last straw as I turned and looked at him in his eyes saying “Haanji main kaam karti hoon. Wakil hoon.” I saw the astonished look on his face and lo behold he was gone as he darted across the pavilion and disappeared into the crowd. Strange but all I needed to tell him was “Main wakil hoon.” and he knew that I wasn’t that innocent little thing I look like hahaah!

Finally I heaved a sigh of relief as all the 6ft 3 inches of Fido Dido walked out of the arrival lounge with his trolley. Fido Dido and S share the most amazing chemistry that best buddies share after spending half a decade in close contact and they have these famous and utterly idiotic arguments on which school is better as both of them went to boarding schools. S is from Mayo College and Fido Dido is from Doon School and darn it is me stuck in the middle as they try to outdo each other as S calls the Doscos “Gay Pansies” and Fido Dido has his retort ready screaming out aloud saying “ Looser Mayo Fuckers” hahaha! And then there is poor me who hasn’t spent a day of her life in any boarding school. Sigh! Coincidentally my roomie’s friend Gul was down from Calcutta too so last night after all of them came home after work we had a gala time as the alcohol bottles were gotten out after almost a week’s sabbatical. All thanks to Navratra I have been forced to convert into a staunch vegetarian sans’ any onion and garlic because Radhi fasts trying very hard to put on the garb of a religiously inclined person but failing quite miserably and gleefully heheh! I had wine after almost 2 weeks and yes yes I got all tipsy and happy and Fido Dido was a little surprised and he asked S “Does she drink this much? Cos in Pune she wouldn’t.” Now S and I were mere acquaintances in Pune and have started hanging around together only the last two months so as long as he has known me he has known the drunkie me and we call each other drunkie jokingly cos initially we bonded over alcohol before we finally figured that no we actually have a nice time without intoxicants too. S looked back at him saying “Yeah she always drinks an entire bottle of wine and trips on her own.” For christ’s sake those two men make it sound like I lead a life of debauchery hahah! Men I tell you are so judgemental :|. For the record I hate sharing my wine from the deepest core of my heart. I don’t give my wine bottle to no one heheh! Later we went to this new karaoke place called Acquafer in GK2 and sang our hearts out. I was so so happy as having my buddies from college around was an icing on the cake. I sang Ironic after such a long time and thoroughly enjoyed myself as I crooned “ its like meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. Isn’t it ironic?” S and I also sang his all time favourite song “That Thing You Do” . I hadn’t sung it the week before cos S couldn’t make it and I was waiting for him to be around and sing in unison :). T’was such a loweeeelllllllyyyyyy loweeeeellllllyyyyyyy evening with friends, lots of laughter, walks down the memory lanes, music, wine, singing a bit of dancing and yup plans too about the future that seems to have endless possibilties for each one of us :).

Cause I had a Bad Day

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep

Some of my most loved lines from my favourite poem since I was a child. Always gives me inspiration when I am down and out, when I feel there is nothing to look forward to in life, when I feel I need a reason to smile as I wake up each morning. I tell myself that there is so much more to do, so many places to see, new people to meet and this isn't the end. There shall be a new day, a new way, a new start and it shall be alright. Someday all of these higgeldy piggeldy pieces of jigsaw puzzle shall fit in perfectly into one complete picture. I know that I am stronger than what I think I am and that I can go on longer than I think I can. I really do not know what future has in store for me but I pray and hope that the past is not repeated. I hope that someday I'll have my story and I won't just be a bystander watching from outside. I hope that I won't get rude shocks that put an end to everything I believed in. I want something to believe in, I really need to be able to believe that I won't be on the receiving end time after time. I hope that someday this cynical me filled with negative feelings can let go of all the insecurities. I hope that someday there shall be stability which I crave for. I pray that someday this so called unfair life dishes out something marvellous for me that shall be mine forever.

Where is the moment when I need it the most?

I kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Why is the blue sky fading to grey?

Why has the passion gone away?

And I don't need no carrying on....

DREAM ON

Anansi tagged me and as a rule I don’t like doing tags but this one was different and I just could not resist myself and my interpretation of this would be a chronicle of my changing dreams over the years. This has to be an account of some of my happiest and saddest memories, of wishes long forgotten, of moments that shall remain etched in my mind, of longings and disappointments, a delicious walk down the memory lane. Well dreams could be wishes too. So this is gonna be a comfortable mish mash of dreams, wishes and desires.

My earliest dream was as a 4 year old and I wanted my Dad to come back home and be with us as one whole family. Dad was hardly around except for the holidays as he was in the army and I always felt incomplete without him. I longed for him to be back so that we could be a family. Strangely I don’t think my Dad even has an inkling of how much I missed him all those years back as we graduated to having a tumultuous relationship in my mid teens and we’d have the most horrible fights just short of flinging pots and pans at each other. He disapproved of me going out as much as I did and I was as stubborn as he was and wouldn’t budge an inch. I was struggling with my own issues and inferiority complexes and trying to find my own footing in the changing world. But Dad just failed to understand that and he wanted me to be the model child, which I wasn’t. We’d fight like cats and dogs especially when I wanted to go to Pune for college until Mum made him understand that he has to let me go and live my life the way I want to. He gave in and it has been almost three quarters of a decade ever since and Dad and I made peace with each other. Now I can actually sit by his side and sip my wine as he has his customary peg of rum each evening and we’d happily exchange stories and varied experiences.

I also dreamt of being pretty and thin. I was plump as I ate like a pig all those years. I was never fat but plump yeah and my luck that all my friends were thin and slight and I was quite tall for my age and big built. I hated it so much, detested my body that time and I had such a negative body image that it has taken years for me to appreciate what I really have now. Weight has always been a tiny issue for me but in school it was such a big issue. Though if you ask my friends they’d never say I was fat but I don’t know why I always thought I was. I was pretty in my own way and if I’d known that guess I would have looked so much nicer. When I see my old pictures I always have that perpetual frown on my face or trying hard to smile. Now I smile entirely too much and some of my closest friends say that my smile is infectious. I know that weight is gonna be a struggle to maintain and even till the beginning of this year I had put on oodles of weight due to my nocturnal life style and nefarious activities that would include drinking binges a little too often. But 6 months and I lost it all and I am still working at it. Mum was so surprised when she met me this time. I am even taking part in the Delhi Half Marathon on the 28th of October cos when I was 20 and I’d first started jogging I dreamt of participating in the Mumbai International Marathon. Life took me a different way altogether but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do the same things, it maybe a different city and a different time and new people but it is still a marathon and it is still me who believes that running makes me feel good about myself and more in control, makes me believe that I can do it however impossible my goals might seem.


When I was 8 I dreamt of a time when my Dad would be a Brigadier and I could show of to the rest of the army brat pack as my Dad commanded a brigade and I got to travel in those fancy decorated cars with sirens and flags. That never happened cos my father got superceded and years later I promised myself that someday my younger sister and I would make him so proud of us and we would make up for what happened to him. My sister is one hell of a kid, and nobody ever thought she would do as well as she did as she faced her own failures and rose above all that and left all of us spell bound. I keep my fingers crossed as I write this because she is my dearest little prankster and all of 19. As for me I wanna study some more. Probably get a P.H.D and I wanna go abroad and see some more of the world. I lead quite a wandering life as a child as we shifted our base every two years and as an adult too I have been on the move since 18. But now I wanna give myself a chance to study something I love and I know I am passionate about. When I started working and hated my job as much as I did only the thought of studying some more kept me alive. I would be so disillusioned and dejected but I knew that there shall be a new tomorrow someday and that was hope enough. Everybody would be leaving but me and every time anyone gave his or her GRE I’d wonder when my time would come. Well my time is definitely coming next year and FALL 2009 I shall be in Boston COME WHAT MAY.

Not to forget I dreamt of being in love, being in love with someone who would love me for what I was. He would have to love the stupid me, the silly me, the child in me and understand where my insecurities come from. My dream of being in love has been fleeting and sometimes I think I have reveled in self-pity. I didn’t wanna get out of that phase. But I was 18 and utterly idiotic and bewildered. I didn’t even know where all those emotions were coming from. I use to believe in soul mates too but that myth has also been shattered. I don’t know what to believe in. This other plan I devised of keeping away from emotional trauma worked for a year until a little while back when my world turned topsy-turvy all of a sudden and I am left baffled and breathless and it is back to square one. There is no way out of this vicious circle and the ever-elusive love. I am back to writing sentimental, soppy posts and darn it comes so naturally. I like to believe I am a rational human being but apparently there is no logic that works with this. Sounds a wee bit melodramatic but S came out of nowhere and changed my life. I don’t even know what hit me. I dread to imagine how it shall be without him around. I was talking to one of my closest friends P in Bangalore today and she chuckled when she heard the whole story and when I said “I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation,
Sigh! I don’t even dare to dream how it can be if I ever get to be with s.

So that’s that. The dreams, which I wove, the castles in the air I built and life goes on and we dream some more and we dream on and on……

Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On Dream On Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On Dream On Dream On


I tag Raaji, Renovatio and She.

I WISH I KNEW YOU BEFORE

I wish I knew that someone so akin to me was living right next door all those years. I wish I knew that you liked blue over all the other colors and that you prefer pizza to Thai food. I wish I knew that you hated Chinese with the same passion with which I loved it and that my favorite storybook character is your favorite storybook character too. I wish I knew that you didn’t love what you were doing just as much as I didn’t.

I wish I knew that there is someone who dreams just as much as me. I wish I knew that there could be someone goofier than me. I wish I knew that there is actually someone who doesn’t understand my sarcasm and believes all the fairy stories I tell. I wish I knew that someone could go on and on singing those annoying songs in a half broken voice without a thought for my poor ears.

I wish I knew that Sundays could be as much fun, that one could get their car serviced, catch 2 movies, oscillate from one mall to another in the heat, eat brownies and drink gallons of iced teas and window shop all in one day. I wish I knew someone who’d ask me to purchase the weekly groceries when I am in the middle of an oh so important meeting. I wish I knew that some times haphazard plans with an almost stranger turns out to be a lively and charming affair.

I wish I knew someone who could spend hours and hours with me talking about the most innocuous things. I wish I knew that there could be someone who likes sharing childhood memories and funny family anecdotes with me. I wish I knew that someone would want to meet me as much as I want to meet that someone. I wish I knew that someone could walk into your life one fine day and some things would never be the same again.

Darn I wish I knew you, I so wish I knew you before.

"Like a firefly that burns bright...he came suddenly, out of the dark sky. He hovered around for a little while, he lit up my days with laughter and smiles. Then he vanished just as suddenly, my dear firefly."